Never be down, I said don't ever, cause its gonna keep 'em hanging around...

Apologies to anyone who is still reading my blog for my complete slacking off in posting. There has just been too much going on, too many emotions to sort out, too much life getting in the way with life, you know?

First off, thank you for all of your kind words of support and sympathy for the loss of my Father. I am taking it one day at a time and trying to work through my feelings and grief. I am quite sure I am supressing my feelings, because while I often feel sad, it has not completely sunk in that I will never see my Dad again, it is as though he is still in a nursing home or a hospital somewhere and I will get to see him this weekend. Only he is not, and I will not.

I was going to update on all of the things going on for me in this post, but I think I will stick with where I started. I would like to share with you some of the things I learned when I lost my father.

--> Its true when they say you really do not know who your friends are until a tragedy strikes. I have come to realize there are people in my life that I thought would alwasys be there because we have "history", we go back a long way, etc. Well, they call, they show up at the appropriate time and place, but that doesnt mean they are "there" for you.

--> It is also true that there are some friends who will just blow you away with their loyalty and love for you. People who you would not expect to be bothered, show up and become the Rockstars. It is those friends and people in my life that I am grateful for.

--> Family, {{sigh}} Can't pick 'em, can't kill 'em. My brother could not be bothered to come to the funeral home with us to choose th casket and make the arrangements. He was not feeling "well" and it was just too uncomfortable for him. Cause really, I mean, can you even think of a better way to send the first Saturday in June????

--> My brother also sat in the Widows Chair at the wake, like the Godfather himself waiting for the visitors to come forward and kiss his ring. I mean seriously. We are Irish for Petes sake!

--> He then spent the time in between the wakes harassing my mother about when he would be receiving all of my father's jewelry. Harassing her to the point of bringing her to tears. I am still just beyond upset about this and have come to realize that my brother and I will never have a relationship of any kind, especially once my mother passes. He is just disgusting as far as I am concerned. My mother also offered to give him $2,000 from the insurance settlement. His response? "Is that all?" Did you ever???

I can actually go on and on with stories about that week, but it is really upsetting me more than I thought and I just don't want to go there.

I hope you are all well and sober and healthy.

Praying for the healing rain, to restore my soul again...

Last Friday, May 30, 2008 at approximately 2:25 in the afternoon,

my Father left this world for the next one.

I will miss him more than I can ever express in words.

For our rise against the years and years and years....

I have been smoke free for 2 days, 11 hours, 39 minutes

And as a result:

My hair does not smell like cigarettes and neither does my clothing, my car, not to mention my 12 year old son.

I have saved approximately $20.

I am cranky and miserable but stronger than this.

I have not smoked approximately 77 cigarettes.

I have added an additional 14 hours to my life.

(Thanks for all of your support and suggestions)

Or just try again tomorrow...

I have not smoked a cigarette since before going to bed Saturday night. I have always had a love/hate relationship with smoking. I can quit for 6 months, 2 years, whatever, and then randomly decide one day that I can be a social smoker, and smoke one cigarette, and then I am instantly addicted again the next day.

My reasons for quitting are the obvious; health and financial. So far I am feeling OK. I would love to smoke a cigarette right now, or even more so, half a pack of them on my ride home from work. But for the moment, right now, I am going to remain smoke free. Maybe tomorrow I will smoke. Maybe I won't. Taking this, like everything else, one day at a time.

He buzzes like a fridge, hes like a detuned radio...

I am not sure if it is appropriate to blog about this or not, but I do feel a need to share it. a day or so after the Monster beat me, I told a very good, platonic, male friend of mine what happened and he stopped over to see me to see if I was telling the truth about the extent of my injuries, as he tends to think that no one could possibly have as much drama in my life, and I therefore maybe I was exaggerating the extent of my injuries.

Needless to say, he was infuriated when he saw me. As a human being, as a man and as my friend. He could not comprehend something like this being done to someone, let alone someone he loved and cared about. He decided, without my knowledge that he would take a ride and have a talk with the Monster about what is and is not an acceptable way to treat a woman.

It is important to state that my friend is about as calm as they come. He has never been in trouble a day in his life. He is a good guy. I have known him well over 15 years and have never seen him raise his voice or loose his cool. Anyway, as the story was told to me, he took a ride out to his house and sat waiting for him to come home from work. When the monster pulled in the driveway, my friend pulled in behind him. He did not disguise himself, his vehicle or his plates.

He walked over to the car and told the monster that he was a friend of mine and that he needed to step out of the truck as they needed to have a conversation. The monster, refused. He made a statement about how he was recording this and how my friend was trespassing on private property and he should leave. My friend explained, calmly that he would leave just as soon as he steeped out of his truck and spoke to him. Again, the monster, big tough guy who beats on 115 lb women, would not get out of his truck. Now mind you, I do not know for sure what my friends intentions were, if it were to be a conversation or a confrontation. I only know he was doing this in my honor and defense.

Long story short they started to push and pull at each other a bit through the window, and my friend finally said this is ridiculous, walked away and OK, this might sound bad, pulled a hammer out of his car. At this point the monster RAN from his car into his backyard screaming that he would be sorry, he was going to jail, etc. Not so tough when it is a man he is confronted with. My friend then, in anger smashed the windshield of his truck, his cell phone that dropped as he ran from the truck and a few more slams to the hood of the truck. Decided this was not what his intention here was, knew he had crossed a line, got in his car and drove home.

A few hours later, detectives showed up at his house with a warrant for his arrest. He was being charged with felony (!) criminal mischief, and a few other ridiculous bogus felony charges. He admitted what he had done to the detectives, told them why and even went as far to show them some digital pics he had taken of me the day before. The detectives then told him how the monster had quote a violent reputation in his home town, and well, although they should arrest him, it would be best for all involved, if he just came to court the following Tuesday to be arraigned. No point in him having to sit in a jail cell. Everyone has a sister, mother, wife, GF.

My friend had to hire a lawyer. It is important to say, that I felt awful about what he had done, that he got himself into trouble, and was looking at felony charges, possible jail time and restitution for the damage he did to the monsters truck. My friend had no regrets, he felt strongly that the monster deserved this and a whole lot more.

My friend had his court date on Wednesday. He was anxious. He gets to court and he has to have a sit down with his lawyer, the DA and the judge. All charges DROPPED. Not even restitution. The judge said this is what they call western justice, old school style.

Karma, baby.

Won't you take him when he comes to your door...

This is a picture of my father and I taken late last August. It is probably the last picture that we will ever take together, and I wanted to share it with you all.

My Daddy is dying. I'm sure I have posted in the past about his many medical ailments. He has been in the hospital since early December, switching back and forth for physical rehabilitation and back to the hospital. As he has had no success in the rehab, he is pretty much confined to bed, unable to stand up, never mind walk, he is incontinent, and just a very sick man, he was admitted to a nursing home a few weeks ago, which was basically just the rest stop to his final call. Last week he had another bad episode of Congestive Heart Failure, Pneumonia, Anemia, etc. and was rushed to the ER. He has been back in the hospital for over a week. He will not improve. At best, he will plateau, and we will transfer him back to the Nursing Home with Hospice care. He is not eating or drinking much and we refused a feeding tube. We signed a DNR. It is very sad. I do not think he will be with us much longer, and sadly, it is time for him to go. This man, who lies incoherently in bed, filled with cancer, fluids filling his lungs, his heart too weak to pump his blood properly, yelling, confined to a hospital bed, is not my Father. Or at least he is not the father I will choose to remember.

Have faith in you and the things you do...

There is much to be shared here today. I have been writing this post in my head for the last week and just haven't gotten around to put it down here.

First off, I have nothing new to add about the monster. I will update after the next court date which is May 15th. I am better about it every day. I still have anger, and still want him to pay for what he did to me and took from me, but every day I think about it less and less and have chalked it up to a life experience. I am better than him.

Ok, I haven't posted much of anything about the Prince since early this year after his overdose. What I do want to add about the monster, is that the Friday night before he beat me, was the night my Prince came back into my life. We had barely spoken in months, and he knew I had a boyfriend and he wasn't particularly happy about it. He had called that night and needed to come by to get his passport. When I told him that the BF was there, he said forget it and hung up on me. He then called back and said he would come over. I suggested they come over and hang out for a while. He agreed, reluctantly, and they did. I wont get into the details about that night as there is no real relevance, other than basically we had a pleasant evening and I was able to see that my son and I were begininng to be capable of developing a new, adult relationship, despite our opinions about his life choices.

The Prince had called me Sunday night, just a few hours prior to the beating, asking me if I could help him and his GF plan a trip to the Bahamas later this summer, and did the monster and I maybe want to join them, and then we got into a conversation where we had offered to help finance most of their trip if he would stay clean from that moment until the trip, random drug tests required. He wholeheartedly agreed.

A few days later, he stopped at the house for a visit, and the physical signs of the beating were still incredibly obvious and the monster was also obviously absent. I told him we had broken up and when he inquired about the bruises, etc. I told him I had taken a bad fall. He bought it. His girlfriend, on the other hand, did not. However, I digress and this is a story for another day.

His visits became more and more frequent. His clear eyes evidence that he was taking my challenge/offer seriously. It started with a short visit for a few hours on a weeknight, to him calling Friday afternoons asking what I was doing in the evening and could we all go out to dinner. This lead to us making plans to see an exhibit at a museum, or going together to visit my Dad in the nursing home, staying in the evenings to watch movies together, playing games, etc. The visits got longer and longer and the kids started wanting to go out for dinner less and less and we started cooking meals together, the Prince and his GF (I think I will have to give her a nickname soon) anxious to learn to cook, and slowly they were taking care of the entire meal. Mostly just BBQ, but now we have progressed to full dinners and they are anxious for me to teach them to make sauce. As the visits got longer and longer, he and the GF starting spending the night at my house, and sitting around on Sunday mornings drinking coffee and having breakfast.

We have also begun to actively look for employment together. He can now pass a drug test, so his options are less limited. With my help, he put together a nice resume, and we have been applying all over the place. He has also gotten his drivers learning permit, and has begun taking driving lessons (required for his license) and is contemplating computer trade school possibly next winter.

Since January, he has lost two friends to drug related deaths. He also has a friend looking at jail time for a pretty serious felony assault charge who was offered the option of rehab vs. jail, and went away for three days and came back Sunday evening cause he "couldn't deal". Another friend is well on his way to becoming a career criminal because he just refuses to follow the rules of society and prefers jail to conformity. It is very, very sad. However, I do believe this has given him a priceless reinforcement of the old saying, that an addict will end up in one of three places: Dead, Incarcerated, or in Recovery. I believe my beautiful Prince is seeing that recovery is just the best, if not the only option.

Basically, my son and his GF have been spending more time at my house than not. He looks for excuses to come over and wants to come "home". We are seriously considering converting my attached garage to a small apartment like space for them at the end of the summer, under the conditions of him maintaining his sobriety, they both must find and maintain steady employment (that does not break any laws), and they must contribute financially to the household. I am extremely apprehensive about this. But when he is there, I am as happy as I have ever been. When they are not there, the house feels a little empty. I didn't realize how much I missed him, especially when he is clean. Oh!! How beautiful his eyes are.

This situation has taught me something incredibly valuable, something that I should have realized a long, long time ago. One of the reasons I stayed married to the AH for so long is that I hated the idea of breaking up my family. One of the reasons I was so enamored with the monster is that it felt like a little family. What I didn't realize is that families come in all shapes and forms, and that my family was there all along, we did not need someone else to complete us. With the absence of their father, there is so much less anxiety, stress and sadness in our home. The monster just added a different level of anxiety and stress to our home. My kids and I, well, that's all we ever really needed, we just need each other.

I fought the law...

The monster arrived in court with his own lawyer yesterday. It gives me a sort of twisted kick that he had to retain an attorney and I am sure that is costing him somewhere in the neighborhood of around 5 grand. I hate it when I feel vindictive. Anyway, during the last few weeks leading up to his court date yesterday, I had sent the DA approximately 30 pictures documenting the injuries I sustained at the hands of this animal, medical reports completed by my physician, a written statement from my mother, and copies of previous police reports showing a history of his violent behavior. Essentially, I have made it very simple for the DA to do his job.

The DA told me this morning, that he and his lawyer were very confident and casual at the appearance yesterday. Until the DA informed them that we are, at present, ready to go to trial. Immediately. He told me he thought they would both fall out of their chairs. He said, the assumption with these types of cases is that the charges will be dropped or plead down, that most people lose interest quickly and do not give the DA's office enough cooperation to actually get to a trial. He feels strongly that his attorney will call back next week suggesting the monster will agree to attend anger management classes and perhaps some kind of alcohol awareness classes in exchange for reducing the charges.

Honestly, while I appreciate the fact that this monster is in clear need of Anger Management, that is so not my problem anymore and I am not budging. I want the Assault charges to stick. The DA was right there with me and said he will not accept any plea and will push to take this to trial. It will be dragged out and expensive for the monster if that is the way he wants to do this, unless he decides to act like a man, and accept responsibility for this and pleads guilty. I do not see that happening. If we go to trial, it means I will have to face him and testify in court.

Bring it on Motherf*cker... Bring it on....

I need to be with myself and center, clarify...

So hold on to your chairs... I have news. Last night I went out on a date. A real date. With a grown up. I was scared half to death. This does not in any way imply that I am ready to be back in a relationship. Not by a long shot. But I did feel the need to be validated again, to feel attractive again, to silence the echoes of the monsters voice in the back of my mind telling me that no one else would ever want me.

Apparently I am a decent date. He wants to take me out again. I didnt feel any big sparks or particularly attracted to him, but then something clicked in my head. My relationship with the monster started out so physical. It was pure attraction, an absolute sexual chemistry from the moment we met. We didn't really date, didn't take the time to get to know one another. It all just happened so fast. I didn't take the time to see the red flags, to get to know him before we were so entangled. Apparently, this is important in building a real grown up relationship. I am still learning all of the rules here.

And I really think I am going to be OK.

When the moment arrives and you know your gonna be alright...

Thursday is his second court date. I need to call the DA's office to see if I need to be there. I am torn between wanting to go and not wanting to go. I do not think I need to be there, not at this point. Either way, I will keep you posted.

Anyway, I am feeling better each day. I am feeling more empowered, almost glad to not have him in my life as I am seeing alot of my old friends again lately, I went to the MET on Saturday with a friend and saw an exhibit that I had wanted to see and enjoyed greatly. After viewing the exhibit, we sat at the Balcony Bar in the museum, listening to the small live orchestra, sipping champagne and enjoying a lovely cheese platter on what was probably the first beautiful, warm spring day this season in New York City. If I was still with the monster, I would not have been able to go with my friend, it would have been taken as an insult, it would have caused a huge fight where I would have been called names, probably something would have gotten broken, and to be honest I never would have even considered telling him I wanted to go with my friend.

Something about that afternoon made me feel like the winner. This was one of my normal routine things to do with my girls before I was with him: going to museums, discovering cool, funky restaurants and trying different foods, exploring Central Park and taking gondola rides on the great lake (gross and green, but still cool its in the park) and dinner at the B-House, picnics at wineries, and botanical gardens, etc. He was the one who lacked culture. His social life was comprised of hanging out in the local gin mills in his hometown with the regulars, the people he grew up with that past the age of 40, still make pub crawling their priority, regardless of whether they have families or not.

I hope this isn't sounding too judgemental. But it just suddenly occurred to me on Saturday that my life was better before him, and I am starting to see that it will once again be better without him. He did not bring anything to the table to complement my life. He just brought me down, tried to take me down to his level, because HE was the one who wasn't worthy, HE is the one who is broken and damaged, HE is the one who has the self esteem problem.....

So this is me. Taking back my life with a F-ing vengeance.

Sometime's solutions aren't so simple...

This past weekend was very difficult for me. I found out that the psycho is back with his ex-girlfriend. I can not say I am surprised, he is, in my humble opinion, a sexually compulsive narcissist. Probably a Borderline Personality. And no, I have no formal training to back up my opinions, just from knowing him and the research I have done.

I can not say that it doesn't hurt just a little though. He claimed to have loved me so much, to the point that he had to beat me over his jealous and controlling ways, and yet a week or two after the beating, the arrest, etc. he is back in someone Else's bed, probably living in her house. Meanwhile, I am still unable to sleep through the night, I am in a state of constant fear and paranoia, as is my mother and my son. And yet, he goes goes about his life like it never happened.

I still struggle with my feelings for him. I still feel sad about how it ended, I still miss him. I still reach for the phone to call him when something happens. I miss sleeping in his arms at night. And then there are moments when I am filled with such rage and anger at him. For hurting me, physically and emotionally. For prentending to be someone he is not. For letting me have a taste for the first time in my life of having a nice happy little family. For letting me believe in that lie. For taking away my inherent right to feel safe. For being, just plain evil.

All the more reason to chalk this up to just a bad mistake and put it behind me.

Madness is the gift that has been given to me...

I am feeling unable to focus on much of anything these days. I spend most of my work day reading blogs, trying to figure out whats going on in my head. Yes, I was beaten. Yes, I survived. Others have survived far, far worse abuse for much longer periods of time. Yet, I just have this clenching feeling in my belly all of the time. And I entertain these thoughts like maybe if we had gone to bed earlier that night, like HE wanted to, none of this would have happened. Or, if only I was able to love him like he needed me to, this would not have happened. And I know, I know it is all BS and he is the sick one, and it was going to keep on happening. But I cant shake this feeling of being disappointed in the fact that he is an abuser, and that it had to end this way... How sick is that?

All alone, I can't mend, But I feel, Tommorrow will be okay...

What to say, where to start? Do any of you really want to hear the gory details of how this bastard beat me? And I am capable of having to rehash it again? Probably no, and no, but for my own therapeutic reasons I am going to try to write it out, all of the red flags, all of the weird shit he expected of me, and how I, became a battered woman.

When I met him early on, we went out a few times before we spent the night together. I wasn't looking for a relationship and told him how broken I was and that he didn't want to sign up for me and my issues. The next day, I was a bit standoffish with him and he was all, "whats wrong? we just spent the most amazing night, why are you pulling back-like" How could I treat him this way, and was wrong with me that I could act so cold. Then it was all about the phone calls. Please call me later, be sure to call me as soon as you get in the car, as soon as you get home and I wasn't always available to talk because of my mommy responsibilities and what not and this became a bone of contentment.


Within 2, maybe 3 weeks of seeing each other, he was already proclaiming his undying love for me, he needed constant reassurance that he "mattered" to me. He needed and wanted to be important in my world. When we spent time together it was never enough. When I had to go home, he would become angry and sulky. Disappointed that I didn't feel the same about leaving him. That I clearly didn't love him as much as he loved me and if I did, I would blow off all of my responsibilities and spend more time with him. When I went out with friends, he would find emergent reasons to call me and keep me on the phone for the whole time I was out, then accuse me of making him look foolish in front of my friends. That I should be telling my friends how much I was in love with him and how important our relationship was to me, that it trumped all else. There was also constant warnings about not to speak to other men, because that would make me look like a whore, and how he "expected" that I would act appropriately as his "good little girl" and that he KNEW that I would not dare even wear something even remotely provocatively if I wasn't with him.


After I moved in my new house, he almost immediately moved himself in. The fights were usually over his jealous and insecure ways. I spent too much time talking with my mother, and in his opinion I don't let my mother know just how important he is too me, that he is the love of my life. He complained I did not show enough affection in front of others, meaning if my tongue wasn't down his throat I was being cold and distant and disrespectful. Every argument was the same, that I don't treat him with enough respect, how I make him look like a "chump" (does anyone even use that expression any more?) and that he was the best thing that has ever or will ever happen to me, and that I was going to loose him and I would be sorry for it. How I was going to end up an old lonely bitter woman. That I would soon loose my looks and no one would want me like he did.


He would often question me about my past relationships and marriage. Wanting to know why I stayed married so long if I was so unhappy. I mean, people, sometimes you just have to do what you have to do for whats best for everyone and I really couldn't understand why I had to constantly justify myself, and then he would insult me and say horrible things about me and how pathetic I was that I stayed with this man for so long, and then he would switch gears and insist that he bets that I stilled loved AH and that he is the one who left me and that I was a lying bitch, and how stupid I was for loving a man like that. Then he would imply that I was clearly the reason that my kid was an addict and the reason why my ex drank.


The first real sign that should have sent me running was when he was angry he would literally punch himself in the head, repeatedly. Sometimes with his fists, sometimes with a cell phone or with whatever he had in his hands. He once smashed my cell phone against his head when he saw that a male platonic friend had called me. I was then instructed to call said friend and tell him we were not going to be friends any longer, as he clearly only wanted to sleep with me. This friend will come up later in the story, but probably a post for another day. Does anyone out there have any opinion as to what this means? The head punching thing? I have tried to look it up but never found anything concrete.

He expected me to despise my ex and to cease any relationship with him or his family. He did not see any reason for us to communicate, and if for some reason I had to, it should be done in his presence and I should be nasty and hurtful to him. He did not like me to visit my Dad in the hospital, in case my x was up there visiting and insisted I wait for him to make these visits. This often resulted in much shorter visits than I preferred with my Dad and left me resentful and angry which would then set him off about how disrespectful I was. G-d forgive me if I said I instead of We. WE were a couple. It enraged him how I thought of myself as an individual and not as a part of him.

Another method of controlling me was through my sleep habits. I have always required a tremendous amount of sleep, and we would stay up late, and he would wake me when he got up for work, and then would call me and keep me on the phone talking to him because his commute was so long. I was mentally and physically exhausted all of the time, which I guess allowed him to continue to beat me down emotionally and give him more control. If I objected, he would make me feel awful, as we didn't get nearly enough alone time together and he really looked forward to our time alone late at night and early in the morning, and how I should really make more time for him in my life, if I loved him enough, I would feel the same way, after all he was tired too but suffered through it because of his love for me.

When we fought and argued, he would insult my friends, my family, my clothes and my job. He would stop at nothing to make me feel little and awful. He knew my weaknesses and preyed on them: my son's drug addiction, my mother's alcoholism, my body issues. When we weren't fighting he would say he only said these things in anger and to hurt me because I hurt him so deeply and often.

The initial signs of violence when we fought, he would become enraged and smashed a wine bottle across my kitchen, he smashed and broke my jewelry box, shredded lingerie that I bought to wear for him; because he wanted me to look sexy for him all the time. He has smashed my car windshield, kicked numerous dents into my car, thrown shit and dumped my belongings around my bedroom and home while packing his clothes up, torn down my closet organizers, spit on me, thrown phones, glasses, and other items across the room and into walls. He would dump the contents of my pocketbook on the floor looking for my keys or some other item. The last incident, he literally busted my bedroom door open to get at me to keep beating me.

Nothing I had or did was as good as something he had or had done. The carpentry work in my home was half assed. The cabinets were cheap and installed improperly. The tile work was clearly left over tile the previous owners bought at a fire sale. My backyard was pathetic and small. How could we live on such small lots and so close to our neighbors? My neighborhood was filled with wannabes. My job was a joke. My salary was pathetic.

The physical violence I endured, up to and including the final beating started with a smack across the face, being shoved a few times, being strangled so violently that I was in the air with my feet dangling, confident that I was going to die. Being dragged out of a restaurant by my hair, face smashed into the car door. When he hit, it was usually with a closed fist to the eye. The last beating included many, many closed fist punches to the face, him choking me, throwing me around and across the room, and a few shots to my ribs, that surprised my MD that they were not broken, just severely bruised as to this moment, I am still in pain, and if I sneeze, I still see stars.


But I am out now, I will get over this, it will take time, it is painful, but I will not be a victim any longer, I will not be afraid, and I am going forward with the charges. He is only being charged with 3 misdemeanors. I do not care, if at the bare minimum I leave a mark on his record, I will have prevailed and stood up for myself.

I'm broken, when I'm open...

Ok, Im back, with my tail between my legs. I'm just going to throw it out there...

I went back. Again. It was OK for almost two weeks. Last week. He BEAT me. Badly. My mother thankfully woke up and heard it and called the police and probably saved my life. He was arrested and arraigned and there is an order of protection in place. I am pressing charges to the fullest extent possible.

This picture should give you an idea of just how bad it was, this was taken yesterday, more than one week after the assault.

Stay with me people. I'm in a really bad place and I need to find myself again.

He wants me, if he can keep me in line...

I have been trying to find the words to begin this post for well over an hour already. Let me start by saying, I am breaking the silence.

This is the part where y'all get to tell me "I told you so". Since I first posted about my being back in the relationship with new guy there have been a few instances of violence, the details of which, I will spare you all. None of these provoked by me or instigated by me; which being the intelligent, educated women I am, I know that you never deserve abuse. But still, the other instances I can not say for sure whether or not I hit first.

New Guy had pretty much managed to move into my house unofficially. Meaning, I never invited him to, never gave him a key, and he does not contribute financially to the home. Yet, he still managed to slowly move himself in, a bag of clothes at a time, taking over some closet space, etc. I knew it, I saw it, I was sometimes OK with it and sometimes a little put off by it. So after the episodes of violence, I let go until he would calm down and then I could find a way to get him out of the house and out of my life. I know, I know, Break the Silence, call the police, have him arrested, get support from my friends and family, etc.

The fight that seemed to escalate the most was his issue with my soon to be ex-husband. He has been wanting me to call him and tell him how much I despise him and how I wasted my life with him and how bad the sex was, etc., etc., etc. Yesterday would have been my 19th wedding anniversary. I have no regrets in leaving my husband. I do not love him now and I haven't in a very long time. However, I am an adult, and I truly do not feel the need to call this man and act like a teenager and tell him how much I hate him. In fact, I really do not even hate him any longer, he is just that guy that I used to be married to. I feel nothing for him. We have children together. Granted it is not a "friendly" divorce. We do not speak, and when we do, it is quick and cold and usually involves something to do with money or my son. I have taken to keeping these conversations a secret from NG. Which is seriously ridiculous. Seriously.

Yesterday, I read Judiths comment to my Valentines Day post and it really struck a cord. I often feel the same way and have told that to NG about how nice it is to get flowers for no apparent reason especially for a freaking Hallmark holiday. Last night, NW brought me home flowers after work. For no apparent reason. We went to see my dad at the nursing home and then went out for a quick bite to eat. During dinner, his daughter called asking to be picked up from her mothers house, because there was alot of fighting and drama going on and she just wanted to come "home".

Trying to keep a long story short, during the drive to pick up his daughter we got into an argument about my oldest dearest friend and her husband, whom we had spent some time with over the weekend. She is also my cousin. Her husband is kind of a jerk who can't seem to find himself, but he has a heart of gold. He is socially inept. We have this thing where we constanly pick on each other, but it is all in good fun, we make fat jokes at each other, remarks about wrinkles, looking old and ugly etc. It has ben going on for 16 years. Well, NG took offense to this and told me he was going to say something to said friends husband the next time we saw them. It escalated into a heated argument with him smashing his cell phone into my windshield and breaking it. We picked up his daughter and although he promised to keep his cool, he continued to scream and lash out and freak out on me, in front of his daughter.

When we arrived back at my house, I told him I thought it would be best if he took his daughter home and they didnt spend the night and we would continue the conversation tomorrow (today) when he was calmer and not in front of his daughter. Well, he wasn't leaving, and he swore to be calm... yeah right. I went to bed and he came in and started the fight up again. I ignored him completely, which just further enraged him. I tried to get out of the bed and leave the room, and he blocked my way and I knew the punches were going to fly. His daughter came running into the room about the time he started spitting in my face repeatedley and spewing profanities at me. I was able to get by and get my hands on the phone and called 911. He started pcaking his things at this point, but not before he tore down my closet organizers and thrashed my room once again. I was just happy and lucky to get him out of there without catching another beating.

The police came and they kept him calm and I filed a report. The breaking of the windshield occured in a different county so if I want to pursue that I will have to file with that county today. I could have had him arrested, but his daughter would have ended up with social services and I just couldnt do that to her. The police informed me to file a report as soon as he leaves the first threatening voice mail and he will be immediately arrested. I can then file for an order of protection. He called my house this morning and left a message saying he left some of his stuff and he "accidentally" took some of my stuff and we needed to get it straight. I havent heard from him since, but it is only a matter of time before the threats start coming in.

I know I need to be free of this man. I know I deserve better. I do not lack self esteem (or maybe I do?) I just love him when the times are good and I now realize he is never going to change and he is crazy and dangerous and he will kill me someday. I do not want to be another statistic. I can not change him. I just know he will move on quickly and back to his ex girlfriend and that will hurt. Why does this bother me? Why do I care what this madman does? The sooner he moves on the safer I will be. Why am I already missing him? How exactly do I recover from this?

Ok. Breaking the silence. 'nuff said.

All of her lovers, all talk of her notes, and the flowers that never sent...

I have always found Valentines Day to be the cruelest of holidays. Especially to those who were in bad and unhappy relationships (present company included), alone, and not by choice; widowed; or in current situation my Mom finds herself in, spending each day after work sitting by my Daddy's hospital bedside watching him slowly, painfully and miserably die. After having spent your day at work, sitting at your desk watching the flowers and chocolates being delivered to the other ladies in your office and feeling inadequate or unloved or just plain sad, and having to endure hearing their plans for romatic candlelight dinners out. I just find it so mean and hurtful.

This year, I was the recipient of the dozen long stemmed roses delivered to my job. I was horrified. I know I should have felt loved, appreciated and special, but I did not. It just made me feel like I was throwing my "good fortune" of being with a man who is willing to shell out a hundred bucks for flowers that will be dead by Monday in the faces of others who lack the same so-called good fortune.

I am a very private person. I do not share much with my co-workers and I have very few friends left. My peers do not know I am seeing someone and that is the way I prefer it. I felt like an idiot. I was surrounded by all the busy bodies wanting to know about the new beau. As if they are entitled to know my personal business simply by virtue of sharing the same office space 40 plus hours a week and our paychecks being signed by the same accountant. It was incredibly uncomfortable and awkward for me. I know, I know, I seem to lack the warm and fuzzy gene.

I am also aware that new guy sent these roses for exactly this reason. All part of the control issue. He does not agree with my philosophy that my private life is exactly that: MY PRIVATE LIFE. I do not feel compelled to announce from the rooftops that I am in a relationship. I do not want to be the girl at work who makes the other girls feel badly because they did not get flowers. Maybe I am overreacting. But still. I think I have PMS.

Hope all my friends out there are feeling some love today, but even if you are not, please know, that I love and appreciate all of you so much for being exactly who you are.

Never speak a word again, I will crawl away for good..

I received a call this morning from the Prince's former High School, who has wronged him as much as he has wronged himself the last few years. Since he did not have enough credits to graduate this year, after much ado, the District agreed to offer him home instruction to complete his last few classes.

His former "alternative/special ed" teacher offered to tutor him. Essentially, meaning she would collect her hourly rate of $70 something an hour, for 8 plus hours a week, and actually only tutor him an average of 45 minutes a week. Raping the school district and robbing my son of the education he is entitled to. Whatever. I was too broken and beaten down to fight it. The Prince didnt seem to care either way, he just wanted his diploma without investing any effort into it whatsoever. His typical MO. He fought me when I objected to this arrangement, his grandmother seemed on board as well, so I backed down. How many times am I going to keep allowing this kid to bully and upset me.

As of January, he now supposedly has enough credit to graduate. Mind you, I am confident he in incapable of doing even the most basic math, or identifying a noun or verb in a simple sentence, but according to the district he is now just about entitled to a diploma. All he needs to do is complete a little packet and have his former employee sign off on it stating he worked 300 hours over the summer and they will grant him his final business credit.

I have called my son repeatedly the last few weeks telling him he needs to deal with this and he just keeps blowing me off, and yes-ing me to death and telling me he will take care of it when he gets around to it. When he gets around to it? He doesn't have a job, he doesn'g go to school, he doesn't do a bloody thing except sit around and screw his girlfriend, drink and get high.

The phone call this morning was in regard to an "exit" meeting scheduled for tomorrow to removed his IEP and essentially take him off the roster from the district. Only problem is, they can not move forward until they receive this paperwork providing proof that he worked enough hours to be entitled to the internship credit. The last thing he needs. At 2:30 this afternoon, I am finally able to reach him on the telephone, and he is still sound asleep. I ask him what he is still doing in bed at this hour and he said he is tired. I asked if he was working yet, and he responded no, he was not. I then asked if he was not working, why exactly was he so tired that he needed to be asleep at almost 3 in the afternoon. He informed me he was tired from staying up all night. I started to loose my temper and my cool at this point, getting a bit loud and asking him what exactly his plans were in the grand scheme here? To not work, to not care about an education, to not even bother to get a drivers license, to sponge off of his grandparents, to spend his nights high and drunk and to sleep all day? He responded that it was none of my business anyway and thats when I told him if thats how he felt, he could figure out how to get his diploma on his own and then I hung up on him. Way to be a good mother, Kel. Really showed him who the mature one is.

I then called the school back and told them he was being uncooperative with me and that I was washing my hands of the situation, and for them to communicate directly with him regarding this whole situation and gave them his phone number. When will the anger ever subside with this kid? When will I stop allowing his bad choices to upset me so much? When will I finally just accept that I didn't cause this, I can't control it, and I certainly can't cure it?

Mommas gonna make all of your nightmares come true...

I have been withholding some information from my blog. I know it's my blog and I get to choose what I will or will not share here. Yet, I feel incredibly dishonest and guilty and need to come clean. I have been back with new guy. I make no excuses for this. I am not perfect, in fact I am pretty broken and screwed up, but there is some ridiculous strong connection I have with this man that I can not ignore.

Anyway, that said, things are better. The fighting has subsided and it has been agreed that there will be ABSOLUTELY no hands. Am I crazy? Perhaps. I just don't know anymore. I am trying to get some balance in my life. I want to be in a loving relationship and I want it to be with this man. We still argue and fight. Too often for my taste. However, I am not used to fighting, or discussing, or laughing, loving, enjoying sex, talking about my feelings etc. in a relationship. My marriage was just so incredibly dysfunctional that I am still learning these things and it just doesn't come easy or natural. Admitting I am wrong, is so difficult for me. When we get into an argument, my immediate reaction is to tell him to get the F out and never come back, and this is how it usually goes down. I am simply unable to admit that I love him and don't want him to go and to ask him to stay or to forgive me.

It is as if I am a teenager still, and in some respects I believe that I am. I was married so young to someone so screwed up emotionally that I just stopped growing in that area of my life and then I had the audacity to bring children into this world when I was just a child myself and not equipped at all to deal with it. And then I stayed and stayed and stayed and I do not understand myself what I thought would change. I became so complacent and I did whatever I wanted without question and wasted so many years of my life and caused immeasurable damage to my children, who I truly, truly love with all of my being.

Last night La Petit told me he knew I had been seeing New Guy when I was still married to his father. I was. I denied it. I mean, seriously what kind of mother am I? Do I tell my son that his father and I stopped loving each other a long, long time ago and that I was so needy and desperate for love and affection that I couldn't wait until I moved out of the house to find a man? Should I have been honest and let my son think I am a slut and teach him that it is OK to not honor your marriage vows and that you should put your own wants and needs ahead of all else? Or do I stick to my lies and let him loose respect for me?

Why is everything so difficult?

Do you breathe me anymore...

Today I am sad. Very, very sad, down to the very bottom of my soul and I can not talk to anyone about it and can not even bring myself to blog about it.

People Suck.

People who judge other people really Suck.

Everything Sucks.

This can't be it...

Help me walk another mile, just one more mile...

A day or so after the Prince's release from the hospital after the overdose, I spoke to his grandmother to see how he was doing since I was having a difficult time reaching him directly. She told me he was fine, but there had not been much conversation with him regarding his lifestyle, and what would and would not be tolerated from him if he was to continue living in their home as the girlfriend had been over around the clock and he lied to her as to why he was in the hospital, he told her he had low blood sugar, no mention of a drug overdose or that he was in trouble and needed help. If she were to find out what really happened, I am assuming she would not be happy and either break up with him or insist he get help, two scenarios that he is clearly not interested in entertaining.

I also inquired as to whether or not he had returned to work. His grandmother said to me, that no, not yet, but that SHE had to call his job and see if he was on the schedule for the upcoming days. I felt my blood boil. "YOU are calling?" I asked. I suggested that since he was 18 years old, and it is HIS job, that perhaps it would be better for him to start accepting some responsibility and maybe HE should actually call HIS job to see when he was supposed to be there. I suggested that maybe it would be better for him if she not do everything for him and that perhaps it would actually be to his benefit to start acting like a man and not a 5 year old and that maybe, just maybe if she stopped enabling him and throwing a pillow under his ass and covering up for him that maybe, just maybe, he would be forced to act like a man and either crash or burn. Needless to say, my advice was not appreciated.

I hung up the phone feeling very sad and discouraged and a bit guilty as it was my decision when he refused to embrace a clean and sober lifestyle to not allow him to live in my home any longer. I felt then, as I do now, that even though it was so painful to put him out of my house, that I could no longer enable him and I would not continue to let him steal from me, brings drugs into my home, and verbally abuse his brother and myself. I needed peace and serenity back in my life. I believed I was doing what was best for all of us. I never expected his grandparents, his grandmother specifically, to enable him to the extent that they have. I had to learn to detach myself from the situation, and to try to continue to love him in spite of his disease and the decisions he makes.

I finally spoke to my son about a week after his release from the hospital. It was very difficult for me to not go back to my old ways and lecture him, and demand he acknowledge he has a problem and to seek treatment. I was able to keep my anger mostly in check. I was a bit short with him and tried to make it clear to him that I would always be available to help him get help when he was ready. Once again, my unsolicited opinion and advice was not received warmly.

Yesterday the Prince called me at my office. The first thing he said to me was, "Mom, I need your help." My heart soared. I was ready to grab my coat and run out the door to take him to a meeting, a treatment facility, to the moon if need be. The words I have been longing to hear, finally spoken. I was cautious in choosing my words as the conversation continued, I told him, "Of course Baby, whatever you need." His response sunk my heart as fast as his initial words made it leap. He wanted my help buying a new computer. My disappointment was more than palpable. Then I became confused. I am not an expert in technology and I often turn to the Prince when I make any kind of technology purchases, I didn't understand how he could possibly need MY help with this, and I so inquired. He then proceeded to laugh and tell me that he needed my help financially, as in he needed MY money to buy a new computer. I could hardly contain my laughter. My typical response when he asks me for money is that he should get a job. He responded that he had a job, and could pay me back. I asked him if he had been back to work since the "incident". He said, well no, but he was planning on calling today to see if he was back on the schedule. This kid, just doesn't get it. So I said good luck with the computer and goodbye.

Letting go, with love, and just a little bit of anger.

And considerately killing me...

My phone rang at 4:30 a.m. on January 2nd. We all know that a phone ringing at 4 a.m is never a good thing. It was my ex-father in law, telling me my Prince was being taken to the hospital via ambulance as he had been found outside the house, unconscious, barely breathing and wearing only a pair of sweatpants.

He gained consciousness a few hours later, but was way, way out of it. He was nodding, and he was bloated and his heart rate was irregular and his brain was not getting enough oxygen as he kept pulling out the oxygen tubes and ripping out the IV lines. He told me during one "awakening" that he had taken morphine.

It was determined that he had overdosed on Morphine. My guess is that it was heroine, but due to the privacy laws, they can not disclose what his toxicology reports showed. Since he told me morphine, and heroine shows up as morphine, they could only confirm to me that, that was in his system, in considerable amounts. I do not know if there were other drugs in his system, although I suspect there were. I love that I can pay for his insurance, and sit by his bed trembling in fear that he will not wake up, but he is entitled to privacy as far as to what almost killed him.

He was kept in the ICU for two days until they stabilized him and he was released over the weekend. Back to his grandparents house. They are quiet, proud people, who do not like to discuss these things, and I do not think there has been a consequence or any kind of ultimatums given to my son as far as seeking treatment, getting help or getting out. This disturbs me. I have also not spoken to my son since he was released. He does not return my phone calls. I am hoping that he is just feeling ashamed for his actions. But somehow, I don't think so. He was very flippant about the whole situation, like, "Yeah, so what, I did morphine, I didn't die". He has no recall of what happened to him that night.

So this is me, starting the new year, letting him go. I love him, but I can not watch him kill himself any longer.

May we all have a vision now and then...

Just wanted to wish you all a very healthy and happy new year. I, for one am hopeful that this new year gives me an opportunity for growth and change and strength and a new beginning. I wish nothing but the best to each and everyone of you, and I thank you for the many ways you have touched my heart and my life with your kind words of support and love to this cyber-stranger/blogger. Happy New Year to you and yours!!

Help me, I broke apart my insides...

I used to look forward to taking the time out of my day to blog. I used to look forward to alot of things actually. Like laying in bed at night with La Petit watching television. I used to look forward to picking up a book and not being able to put it down until it was finished, to seeing my friends, going out for dinner and drinks, having a life.

Divorcing AH and moving into my new house was supposed to be a new beginning for me, a new life, a fresh start. Instead I hooked up with the new guy and got involved in a roller coaster ride from relationship hell. My persistent neediness, vulnerability and loneliness allowed me to let this guy practically move into my house, tell me who I can and cannot speak to, hit me, break my belongings, insult me, my friends and family, called me terrible, hurtful names, degrade me, lie to me and cheat on me. And always finding a way to blame it on me.

I had to turn off my voicemail service on my cell phone and my house phone and my text messaging service as well due to the volume of nasty threatening voice mails he was leaving me. He now only leaves them at my office. The last one was him vowing to destroy the rest of my life. Only if I empower him to do so.

OK, so I was alone for Christmas. I survived. I will be alone all weekend and on New Years Eve, I will survive that too. I really do deserve better than this madman who wanted to control, consume and own me. And all the while not offering me very much. He wasn't a very good father, he fought for custody of his daughter only to let his parents raise his child while he does his own thing moving in with one woman after another. He isn't settled into a career, his debt is out of control and he has a history of drug abuse which I learned he was using on one of the weekends that we broke up. Not to mention the serious temper issues. Think there are enough red flags and warning signs here?

Well my New Year resolution is to get over this guy and break the spell he has cast over me and remind myself that I deserve a relationship that is healthy and loving. Not scary and dangerous. And if I cant find one then I will be OK anyway. It really is OK to be alone. That is my new mantra.

Did I mention that I bought a puppy for La Petit for Christmas?

and I will be the one, to hold you down...

I am in a very bad and dangerous place. The new guy has turned out to be a madman and he beat the crap out of me last night and tried to strangle me. This abuse has been going on for a few weeks. Starts with a fight because he gets jealous angry or controlling and then it escalates into him freaking out, destroying and breaking things and last night it got out of control and he hit me. Hard. My jaw is all out of line and my neck is bruised from him trying to choke me. I brought this man into my family and into my sons life and took him out last week and let him back in and he was removed by the police last night and now I have to hurt my son once again and I think I am going out of my mind and I need help and have lost friends already over this man and I am scared to death and he is mean and scary and nasty and says horrible things to me during his outbursts. I need to break free. I need a new life. I need to find myself and I have no idea how to do that.

You shut your mouth, how dare you say...

I have gone back and read my first post from 2 years ago around the same time of year. I am pleased to report, that although my life today is far from perfect, I do feel that I am in a much better place today then I was back then. I am no longer filled with the sadness and loneliness of a lousy, dysfunctional marriage, the paralyzing fear, dread and guilt of being the mother to a drug addicted child, the fear of being alone and of the unknown.

This is not to say I am functioning at what most would consider to be a "normal" level (hey, whats "normal" anyway?) but I do feel as though I have come a long way, and I have learned to let go with love and to not blame myself for those things that I can not control. I am trying to learn to trust myself just a little. I am also acutely aware of my shortcomings and flaws and I am trying to make sense of the mess in my own head.

My experience has been that when you are desperately unhappy and lonely and feeling unloved, is that you will run from those painful feelings and look to compensate for what your life is lacking. To somehow find a way to fill that void, that empty hole in your soul. Many of the coping mechanisms I chose to help myself were self destructive. I know, no big shocker there. Its what those of us who live with addiction do. Some of us abuse drugs, alcohol and other substances, some of us enable those around us to do so, some of become so codependent that it is hard to see where we begin and those that we love end.

One of my most unhealthy choices was the method in which I handled my personal relationships. I had affairs that ended badly. I confuse love and desire. I also form unhealthy friendships. I have a tendency to make friends easily, and then I latch on to them and get too close too quickly. And then these so called friends seem to want to have a say in how I handle my day to day decisions. I also have a problem where my friends seem to have no problem telling me exactly how they feel without regard for my feelings, or for pointing out my flaws. And for some reason, I find myself unable to defend these perceived attacks allowing people to walk on me and to hurt me and for me to find myself pulling further away and retreating even deeper into my own head. I often find I am the one who is willing to go any distance to help my friends out, always the one to be there and lend a hand and then I often find myself disappointed when I am in need and there is no one available to me.

The situation with New Guy. I am not sure what I am doing. I am in new, unsafe, uncharted water with this man. He makes my head spin a little. One of my best friends, recently voiced her opinion that she thinks he is all wrong for me and basically told me she will not sit around and watch me self destruct if I chose to stay with this man. She then followed up by offering me her opinion that I am most likely a Borderline Personality. (her g/f is a shrink). Then gave me a big pep talk about how I am ill and need help and that my current therapist isn't worth the paper I write his checks on and blah blah blah. She wants to help me, to save me. Slam. Another attack. She then pointed out the dead look behind my eyes.

New guy has a wicked insecure jealous side. Part of me knows that it isn't the right relationship for me for the long term. Part of me says who is talking about the long term anyway? Part of me wants to sit back and enjoy the ride and see where it goes. Part of me says run as fast as you can, this guy makes you feel too much and that is dangerous for me. Another part still says he is going to try to consume me and nothing good will come from that. Part of me wants to trust my friends who claim to know me and only have my best interests at heart and think this is no good for me. Part of me says these same friends want something from me. They like that I am needy and broken and my inadequacies make them feel better about themselves. Part of me knows every one loves that I am the poor little week girl. Always available because she has no where else to go. Part of me wants to take this chance and learn from it. Maybe it will be a mistake and this guy could kill me someday or maybe it wont be and I will find happiness and peace at last.

And part of me thinks, seriously, WTF? Will I ever be normal?

I remember when, I lost my mind...

In case you are wondering, I am most certainly not OK. I am finally out of the house and my divorce is moving forward. I am living in the new house with La Petit and my parents. It is exactly what I wanted.

Enter New Guy. He has turned out to become a bit possessive, jealous, consuming and, well, let's just say crazy. When it is good, it is so good. When it is bad and I am not giving him exactly what he needs, well it is g-d awful and scary.

I am having a really hard time deciphering what is real and what is in my head here. I do not not do relationships well to begin with. I will post more when I can make some sense of what is going on in my head and I can share.

Hope you all are well.

Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before...

I have been blogging for almost 2 years now. I have never set up "rules" for my blogging, I blog when I have time, or when I need to vent, or when I have something to share or when I just have something to say. I have made some wonderful connections through my blogging and even had the pleasure to build a real life friendship with one of our blogger peeps. Over the summer when I was at one of my low points, I remember when I was having a meltdown, that I would think about how I was going to put it up on my blog and it would comfort me knowing that there was a place I could go to share my innermost self with or without judgement from the blogging community. I can honestly say, other than the crazy anti-aa guy, I have never had anything but thoughtful, caring people leave me comments. I have come to genuinely care about so many of you and your lives. I consider each and everyone of you a blessing in my life.

Lately, I have not been blogging regularly, but instead, I have been reading more of your blogs out there and I wanted to share some of my feelings about that. I feel as though I am on the verge of one or two things, either a complete breakdown or possibly a complete breakthrough. As I follow the journeys of others out here I feel so much less alone. I see that others have lived destructive lives of alcoholism and addiction and through the grace of g-d and with lots of strength have come through to the other side and choose to live a sober life one day at a time. I am in no way minimizing their battles because I believe it to be just that. I am simply able to find comfort in knowing that there is a program out there, for if and when that time comes, my Prince can find his way to a clean and sober life. I have learned through all of you, that it IS possible and their can be a happy life for him someday despite the demons he must fight. I thank you all for this.

I recently came across a blog where a young woman is sharing her story of her active addiction to heroine. She supports this habit by selling herself. She actually refers to herself as "Street Meat". Her writing is articulate and cohesive. Her story is about as frightening as anything the mother of an addict wants to know. But she is still alive and therefore there is still hope and I have added this young girl to my prayers. I applaud her honesty and I do not judge her or her family. Because as the mother of an addict; I know, there but for the grace of g-d, go I...

I have read the stories of other addicts parents. It amazes and impresses me, that you could live through every parents worse nightmare, the death of your child through this dreadful, horrible disease, and still find the energy to not only get out bed in the morning, but to get onto your computer, and share your story with anyone who cares enough to read it. We are an amazing bunch. We have a common thread and I guess that creates a bond that only other parents living through this can comprehend. And there is no judgement. No ridiculous advise, no finger pointing. WE get it. Collectively, we are the only ones who can understand that addiction CAN and DOES happen to good people.

I seem to have been given more than my fair share of sickness, tragedy and misfortune in my life. It is very easy to feel sorry for myself and do the whole "why me" thing. However it gives me strength to know that my story, when thrown in the mix here, well, it's just another story. No better, no worse. The end of it is far from being written, and I know from all that you share, neither is yours. It just has to be taken one day at a time. Nothing more, nothing less.

Living my life in a slow hell...

I have been seeing a man for the last few weeks who has really forced me to think about alot of things in my life. It is probably not going to come as a surprise to anyone who reads me that my marriage was not a happy or functional one. What is surprising to me is the destruction it left in its path of my well being.

Alcoholism and addiction have been regular fixtures in my life for as long as I can remember. I was raised by alcoholic parents. I married an alcoholic, I raised a drug addict/alcoholic. My brother is an active alcoholic/addict. I am starting to see that this too has damaged me more than I was ever willing to allow myself to admit.

It has also become increasingly clear to me that I have very few people left in my life that I consider to be my friends. I am not sure if this is because I am just so self absorbed in my own mess that I no longer invest myself or if it is because I have felt slightly betrayed by those close to me, or perhaps I have just made poor choices in the people I surround myself with.

I think this is also why I have chosen to have relationships with men who are either unavailable physically or emotionally. Men who were interested in me based more on my appearance than anything else. Fooling myself into believing that I was looking for someone to love me, to take care of me, but on some level knowing that I am incapable of such a relationship at this point in my life because the damage done to me has taught me not to get too close and not too trust. To always expect the worst. I am the queen of self sabotage.

So, I meet this man towards the end of the summer, and typical me behavior, we spend some time together, go for drinks, dinner, and I do not expect or want anything more than that. I assume he is broken or damaged in some way, because, why if he wasn't, would he possibly be interested in me? So new guy as I have nicknamed him, well, he is making me stay. He wont let me run, as is my modus operandi when I feel like someone is getting too close.

It is making me see that my marriage to AH was a very bad one indeed, above and beyond his alcoholism. There was never any kind of emotional connection between us, and as I reflect back on it, I took this as rejection, that I wasn't worthy of being loved, and just kept building those walls. I managed to live the last 20 years of my life without feeling loved or worthy of being loved. I spent years building my own life, one where I could be independent and in control of all scenarios. Because losing control would be showing weakness. Showing weakness would make me human and human beings need human contact. I managed to let myself loose sight of this. Sex became something that could be used to control others, because someone desiring me, fulfilled me, and that was good enough.

Well guess what? It isn't good enough. Not anymore.

There is no pain you are receiving...

I am a little worried about myself these days, not something I do very often. Part of my codependency problem is that I have a tendency to worry about everyone else and not worry about myself. My life is pretty out of control these days and that is not something I am good at coping with.

I have retained a lawyer and filed for a divorce. I am not in the least bit sad or unhappy about this. I am just feeling a little overwhelmed by the process and all that it involves. AH and I haven't spoken a word to each other since I discovered he is no longer contributing to our household financially. My lawyer is also suing him for this. It just gave me a real deep insight into his character and the kind of man he really is. I know divorce is ugly and it brings out the worst in people, but this was just unnecessary.

The Prince is still not working or even actively looking for a job. He has a new girlfriend and he just spends his time with her. I know he is drinking excessively, and at the bare minimum, smoking pot. G-d knows what else. I pray for him to embrace sobriety, I have successfully let it go, and no longer feel responsible.

My dad is not doing well. He is such a sick man, on taop of the debilitating stroke that left him paralyzed 16 years ago, and the pancreatic cancer, and diabetes, in the last few weeks he has come down with pneumonia, had a seizure and congestive heart failure. His doc thinks he may have some skin cancer and now he has a wicked infection on his toe that will be very difficult to treat due to all of his other ailments. This is not a life, this is no way to live. He is deeply depressed and my mom told me he was crying on saturday evening because he knows he is dying and he is so worried about how screwed up my life is that I will not be okay.

La Petit is starting to act out a bit, he is back to not doing his homework. I am trying not to come down too hard on him because it is such a difficult time for all of us. I just feel so sad for him, he is going to feel the brunt of all of this, his parents are divorcing, he is leaving his home, his school his friends, and moving into a new home where he will live with his dying grandfather. Life is just so hard and I wish I could shelter him from it all.

I have been living between my house and my parents house the last week or two. I am a little afraid to stay at home because I do not know how AH is going to react when he is served papers. It is exhausting. I am feeling very displaced, like a homeless person. I need to put some roots down and become the peron I am meant to be. I am not happy with my parenting or coping skills right now. I am not an alcholic, but it runs in my veins like blood. I am drinking more than what would be considered social these days, and I know that is self medicating and it scares me a little. I am depressed and anxious all the time. I am losing faith, and I just dont know if I can keep it all together and get through these next few weeks.

I know it could all be so much worse. I am so saddened to think of all of those people who are losing so much as the wild fires tear through California. I have friends I can talk to and trust, I have a family that loves and supports me, and thankfully I have the financial resources available to me to make the changes I need to. I just have to remember to breathe.

It's been a long time...

Sorry I have been so completely out of touch and not blogging lately. There is alot going on right now. I need to keep this brief, so much to share and not quite sure where to start.

Basically, I am ready to close on the new house I am buying with my parents and aside for a few little snafus with my old house, I should be closing in a few weeks. AH has really pulled a fast one on me, he unilaterally decided he was no longer going to contribute to our family finances and opened up his own bank account and as a result a bunch of checks bounced after wiping out my line of credit. I hired a lawyer this morning and things are going to get ugly.

Its very sad that this pathetic excuse of a marriage is finally going to come to an end, and it has to end like this. I really thought that I was going to be the exception to the rule and have a nice amicable divorce.

Yeah right.

Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all

You know, it just amazes me sometimes how quickly things can spiral downwards. This has been a very trying week or two. Earlier this week the Prince was laid off of his job. He worked for a Marina, and with the summer and therefore the season over, they don't need him any longer. Understandable and predictable, but he was devastated. Of course he hasn't done much in the way of looking for work since then.

He just called me a few minutes ago. Last night he was "jumped" by three guys and they beat the hell out of him and stole his cell phone. Nice. I wasn't very nice to him about and I feel badly but it is just so f-ing frustrating. He just doesn't get it.

I am just so tired of this. My life is poised and ready for change and it is so close, it just can't happen fast enough for me and I just don't know what to do with this Prince of mine. Besides letting him go....

I don't know how to love him...

Received a phone call from my father in law one evening earlier this week. He picked up the Prince from work and did not like the way he looked, implying he looked high or something like it, and he articulated that to the Prince in no uncertain terms. The Prince, in true princely fashion proceeded to freak out on his grandfather and went into his typical rant how everyone is against him and how much it pisses him off to be accused of doing something wrong all the time, and how it is total bullsh*t that he has an 11 pm curfew, blah blah blah.

This, is typical Prince Charming using behavior. I can feel the spiral beginning. I am thinking maybe it is going to be pills this time. I explained to my F-I-L that I knew for a fact that the Prince was smoking pot and drinking regularly, nightly actually. He didn't seem to believe me, or didn't seem to want to hear it is more accurate.

Today, I finally had a conference call with his old HS (he did not graduate this past June as he should have) I have battling with them all summer to get his education back on track. They have finally approved him for home instruction to fulfill the final few credits he needs for graduation. He will receive home instruction from a tutor at the local library for eight hours a week and if he takes it serious, he will graduate in January. He will able to keep his full time job as well. I am trying not to project too much and trying to have a little faith in him (thanks for the cue there Tabby...) that he will do the next right thing.

I often feel as though I have let him down so much. Then in letting him go, I cut him out of my life, and sometimes out of my heart. I am a type A personality. There is very little room for gray area in my life. Our relationship is a formal, pleasant one at best. But to me it seems almost non-existent. We speak occasionally on the phone, when he can spare two seconds for me. I see him once every few weeks. To be fair, I do not often go out of my way to see him either. I am still so hurt and wounded by his choices and I think at some level I am also preparing for what I still fear will be his own death from an overdose.

I love him so much, but I still just do not like him very much right now. That's okay isn't it?

The life Ive left behind me, is a cold room...

So, can anyone please advise me on how to delete ridiculous, unwanted comments?? I have been hit hard this past weekend.....

My niece has been staying with me for the last week, she is staying another week. She is not related to me by blood. She is the daughter of a girl who had been my best friend for most of my life, since junior high school maybe. Her daughter was born three months before the Prince, and we basically raised them together. Her marriage failed within a year of her daughter being born, and she then entered one dysfunctional relationship after another, never securing stable employment, never home to take care of her daughter, etc. A year or so she got involved with a man who was still married, yet he wanted to own her as well. She ended up quitting what little employment she had at the time, spending all of her time with this so called man and ultimately, lost her apartment, her car and most of her self-respect. Her daughter had to move to North Carolina to live with her grandparents. This man beats her up, throws her out of the house and then begs her to come back and then the cycle repeats itself again. I have heard from more than one person that cocaine and alcohol abuse play a large part in their lives. This is ultimately what has damaged our relationship, she is toxic, and I fear this man will one day kill her and I can not do anything about it. Once again, me trying to control a situation that is outside of my control.

My niece has told me that the Prince is using pot and alcohol on a daily basis. I knew this, and I suspect cocaine as well. He has one of those friends social pages and his picture on his profile is a picture of him in the backseat of someones car, swigging directly from a large bottle of something wrapped in a brown paper bag. How charming. So not only is he still choosing a dangerous path to take, he is doing it once again with pride. Letting the whole world know that he thumbs his nose up to sobriety.

He has sold a cell phone, and another hand held video game. His response is that he can not "find" the video game and he gave the cell phone to a friend cause it didn't work. I wonder when exactly did he decide that I was a complete idiot? He has been trying to get his hands on another video system that belongs to him and La Petit. I know this is because he wants to sell it. I am not going to let him take it. It is back to having that feeling of being completely unable to trust him and not wanting him in my home at all. Not even for a few minutes.

In spite of this all, I am in a remarkably good place. I am able to function and focus on myself and La Petit and plan for our future. That future is very close. In approximately one and a half months we will move into our new home. Hopefully sooner. I am very excited. I feel more and more secure that I am doing the right thing. I spent some time with an old friend over the weekend, someone I hadn't seen in many many years. She is still married to the same man that she dated in high school, we were in each others wedding parties. She has two beautiful children, they bought a lovely home near the beach. You can see she is happy. She admits to lots of bumps in the road but she is still happy and her life is a nice one. She does things. She plays volleyball on a team, she goes to the gym. Her life is full and she looks complete. For the first time in a very long time, I felt nothing but pure happiness for another person. I am seriously prone to jealousy and self pity (I know, this is a huge shocker to those of you who have been reading my blog for a while) and for once, I felt GOOD to see another human so settled and having a good life. For the first time ever I felt that I could be in that position in a few small places.

This letting go business is tough stuff. But I am finally understanding that I must be in control of my own life, feelings and ultimately my destiny. Maybe I am going to have to let my guard down just a bit and be a little vulnerable and not worry so much about everyone else. There could be a life out there for me after all...

I'm in a New York State of Mind

As I drove to work this morning, there was more than the normal amount traffic due to some stormy weather. I listened to the radio and observed the moments of silence in remembrance of those who perished six years ago here in my beautiful NYC. I could swear, that as the last of the four bells chimed in honor of those lost that day, the sky opened up and the rain fell hard and fast, as though the heavens themselves were still weeping for those lost.

I am reminded that although my life is far from perfect, and the lives of my family are more than a little dysfunctional, I thought this would be a good time to step outside of myself and shout out a little gratitude.

Some Grati-tuesday

Although I have many friends and family who work in lower Manhattan, I am so fortunate to have not lost anyone on that frightful Tuesday six years ago.

My town is home to many of New York's finest and bravest and more than a few of the heroes that fell that day were locals. I am honored to have shared a zip code with these fine men.

I have reconnected with a member of my family whom I used consider my little sister. I had wronged her terribly around this same time six years ago, and caused her much pain and sorrow, but she has forgiven me despite that and we are together once again.

I live in a country where I am free to worship whatever G-d I choose, or none at all.I do not have to believe in a war that my country is involved in, but I can be thankful to our soldiers defending my right to feel that way and putting themselves in harms way each and every day to ensure that right for my children and their children.

The mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters of these fine young men and women who surely do not sleep at night, praying for the best, but fearing the worst.

I have changed jobs twice since that terrible Tuesday, each position furthering my career and my bank account. It is good to be an American woman in 2007.

Six years ago today, my Prince was beginning his middle school career. Within two years, he became addicted to a large spectrum of drugs and alcohol. He almost died while huffing inhalants, he has been in drug related fights that had left him with broken bones and spirit, he failed out of school, and almost destroyed himself and those who loved him the most. Today he is anxious to finish high school through home schooling, has completed one and a half years of rehab, he holds a full time job and he is not actively using cocaine to my knowledge. He does not completely embrace recovery, but he is alive and hopeful for the first time in a long time.

I am learning that I can not control the feelings, actions or behaviors of those around me. I am learning to let go. I am willing to accept progress not perfection.

I live in a place that was irrevocably changed six years ago today. I saw firsthand the destruction and pain that was caused by hate and ignorance. I also saw firsthand, an entire city, and an entire country stand together that day in unity, brought together by a madman. And we are still standing.

May G-d bless America.

Through these eyes Ive seeen the shape of thinggs to come...

After a long weekend, including a large family party on my father's side, meeting cousin's I did not even know I had, running around with La Petit procuring the last of the supplies he needs for school, running shoes for his participation in the middle school track team, helping him complete two book reports for his summer reading and the million other responsibilities we mothers have on weekends, I fell, exhausted into bed last night somewhere around 9:30 and tried to indulge myself with a little reading. My eyes did not stay open past 10:30. I awoke somewhere around 1:30, maybe 2:00 a.m. to an unidentifiable noise of some kind. I did not give it much thought, as La Petit is a restless sleeper and often bumps into or kicks the walls in his sleep.

Unable to fall back to sleep, I decided to make a trip to the loo, and as I came out of my room, I noticed the kitchen, hall and bathroom lights were all blazing and the odor of alcohol was stifling in the house. Upon entering the bathroom, I noticed a "puddle" ( I think you can figure out what the puddle was without me having to say sit) on the bathroom floor and the shower curtain half pulled down. Time to play hide and seek the drunk. I found him in La Petits bed. (La Petit has been sleeping in the Princes old room as his air conditioner is broken.) Passed out drunk, laying on top of La Petits skateboard, helmet and various other mess that he had left on his bed before he went to sleep last night. I guess I should be grateful that he was at least wearing underwear, as I often find him passed out drunk and naked.

I left him there, and just did a quick search of the house to make sure he didn't leave any lit cigarettes around, as is my biggest fear living with him is he will burn my house down while we are sleeping and kill us all.

Please, G-d, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can't change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference...

Don't hang on, Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky...

Last night we met at my lawyers office to sign the contracts. My parents were meeting me there as well to sign the contracts on the house we are planning on buying together. AH was surprised to see them there. When I told them the reason they were there, he was shocked. I am thinking he did not think that I was really planning on buying this other house. As we were signing the contracts, it looked like he was going to cry for a moment.

My uncle took us all out to dinner to celebrate. It was bittersweet. I am thrilled to be almost rid of this house and out of this town that is just too painful for me to live in any longer. I am excited about the new house, the new start, the new beginning. It was awkward as my parents and La Petit were all talking about the new house and AH just sat there and said nothing. I felt sad for him. He doesn't ask any questions and sometimes he seems OK, and it makes me wonder if he is just as happy to be rid of me and our life. His lack of communication is disturbing. You can never tell what he is thinking, let alone feeling.

La Petit began his middle school career on Wednesday. Today, he is trying out for the track team. He is growing right before my eyes. He hasn't articulated it to me, but I sense he knows that his Dad may not be along for the ride much longer. There is so much change happening around me that I feel as though I am getting blown away by a strong wind. I only have two hands, I can only hold onto myself and La Petit. I just hope the others will be able to weather the storm without us. Because for the first time ever, I am not going to be there to clean up the mess that gets left behind.

Ch- Ch- Changes...

Well, this is it. Tonight I am signing the contracts for the sale of the home I currently own with AH, and I will sign the new contract for the house I am going to buy with my parents.

The times... they are a changing...

Wish me luck y'all.

My need is such I pretend too much, I'm lonely but no one can tell

My mother asked me last week if I was sure I wanted to end my marriage and buy this house together. I said I was sure about the new house and that ending the marriage was not something I could say was something I was sure about, but it was something I needed to do. My mother, while she is my closest friend, has been instrumental in alot of the decisions I have made in my life. When I told my parents I was pregnant and 20 and planned on getting married, she ran out the next day and planned a wedding, found an OBGYN for me, and my parents began the process of dormering the house so we would have a nice, safe place to live.

I do not mean to sound ungrateful. But sometimes she just steamrolls me and I don't know WTF happened. When I was pregnant with La Petit, the Prince was 5 years old and one day, while cleaning, I discovered that AH had been selling cocaine. He was a social user (if that is possible) in his teens and he had to stop when he took his job that random drug tests. I found a large amount of cocaine in his work bag, and hundreds of smaller little packages. I flushed it down the toilet and could not breathe. I woke him up a few hours later (he worked nights and slept during the day) and told him he needed to get the F out of bed, pack up his stuff and get out of my house.

We argued and argued and I was feeling so physically ill I did not know which direction to turn. I was 26 years old, I didn't have much of an education, just a few college credits, not much of a career path ahead of me, a 5 year old son, another baby on the way, and a drug dealing husband. My mother suggested that my options were so limited that I should stay where I was and make the best of a bad situation, go to counseling and put the whole thing behind me.

AH is the king of pretending something didn't happen. So I took her advice and stayed. A few weeks later my husband was put out of service for 6 or 8 weeks for drinking alcohol on the job. The next day I went into early labor and delivered La Petit 6 weeks early. I really didn't know he was an alcoholic at the time or maybe I did. I think I thrived on the stress and drama. It got to always be all about me and my problem De Jour.

Well, 18 years into this marriage later, I am still not sure what I want to do. My parents are starting to put pressure on me, how good he is to my Dad, how there is so much worse out there, the devil I know, etc. I know I need to end this. There is no love between us and I am so f-ing tired of being alone even when he is there. I am so tired of being responsible for everything and he takes none. This is not a family or remotely close to one. He wants to live a different life now. I can see it more and more. He likes to be on his own when La Petit and I are away for the weekend. He is making plans, starting to connect with old friends. He is ready to continue his alcoholic life without us.