Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The ghost of Christmas Past

I am sleepy today. Had to give my first presentation since I started my new job this morning. I think it went well, despite the fact that my head is a little cloudy from the two glasses of cheap straw bottle chianti I drank last night while finishing decorating the Christmas Tree. I used to really really love Christmas, and feel a little sad that I dont enjoy it like I used too. DJ although almost 11, is still so enthusiastic and tries to pretend he still believes in Santa. Its cute and endearing. He is truly the light of my life.

The prince had a friend stay and eat with us last night. A nice enough kid, although I am sure he is a pot smoker as well. But I still feel like if I can get the friends to like and accept me I have a better shot at keeping him under control. So during sinner, I was tired and a little cranky and apparently it showed. DJ asked me why I wasnt smiling at all and said that I usually smile alot during dinner. Its amazing how intuitive that kid can be. So we decorated the tree and I had to fight the rush of sadness that enveloped me at where this so called marriage has taken me. I look back at the ornaments that we had when we were first married and I try to remember feeling happy and excited about my life and future, and I just cannot, try as I might, conjure up the spirit of Christmas past. As I pulled out each ornament, carefully wrapped and dated, all I could think was that at the same time last year, I was sure that this would be the last Christmas I wouls spend unhappy and sad and that this year would be better, and that is the memory that floods me with each ornament I open every year. And each year I vow, how will I make this the last year filled with sadness and regret???

I want to date. I want a boyfriend. I need a hug. I know it is technically wrong to want these things while I am technically still married, but for all intents and purposes I consider myself seperated and I am sure A-hole does too. We have been living in seperate bedrooms for close to two years now. It is time to make the final jump. Just need to find the stregnth. Just need the stregnth. Maybe I will find it Christmas morning in my stocking? No, chances are I will just get more useless Lenox tree ornaments.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

And so it begins....

This is my first blog, if thats what it is even called. Funny, the past few years I have followed a few bloggers thinking they were online journals and have enjoyed the odd feeling of somehow being privvy to someone elses private thoughts and diaries. Ok, so lets see. I woke up this morning feeling completely unrested and for the second time in two days thought about calling in sick today, but as always, thought better of it and got my self up and off to work. My older son was up early, banging around the house and was gone by 6:30 a.m. Thats never a good sign. I am confident he was up to some kind of no-good. Time will tell as it always does. Ok, so felt really depressed when I got up and decided once again that I am just not sure how much longer I can continue living like this. This morning, I did the math and decided that if I can get DJ into private school for next setember, I can get a divorce, sell the house and move, if I can convince A-hole to stay in town, HE can keep KC and let him graduate with his friends and maybe I can find some peace and get on with my life. The lonieliness is really really starting to get to me.