Monday, December 29, 2008

That it's too late to apologize...

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday and are getting ready for a peaceful new year. I had a different kind of post planned for today, but something just happened here at work and I need to share it because it has left me sad and confused.

I had written a brief little something last year about a good friend that I work with, during the whole "monster" drama. You can look back at it here: if you are so inclined.

So when I was caught in the abusive relationship with the Monster, I was not "allowed" to be friends with this lady, and even if I was, she was not interested in being my friend anyway as she did not approve of the relationship and kind of had the vision to see what was to come, that the relationship would end up violently if not tragically.

After all was said and done and I came to work broken, bruised and beaten, she came over to me and didn't really say I told you so, but expressed her sadness at what had happened and hoped I had learned and would finally stay away from this man. I did and I did.

We managed to slowly rebuild the friendship. It was difficult, as she had really felt I had hurt her, and I know that I did say some terrible things to her, but I was the one who was in the abusive relationship. I was the one who was forced to tell her things I did not mean because this horrible man was going to knock me across a room if I did not.

So fast forward to last week. She asked me to giver her a ride home as her car was in the shop and invited me to come to her house for a quick visit after work to have a glass of wine and see her Christmas tree. I gracefully accepted. Grateful that I would be welcomed in her home after all the pain and drama of the past year. As we sat chatting, I shared this gratitude with her and we got into a conversation on the rebuilding of our relationship and a few stories of past hurts, etc. At some point in the conversation, I extended an invitation to her and her partner to come to my house one day this week to come to my house and see my tree and maybe have a bite to eat. I did not realize she fully accepted this invite without consulting with her girlfriend and that it was set in stone, that the day would be today.

So now it is Christmas Eve, and Christmas, and a million things to do and a busy week and at some point during the week, I invited new guys parents to my house for dinner tonight, completely forgetting about the invitation I extended to my friend from work. I come back to work today and we are all catching up, and chatting and I mention that the new guys parents are coming for dinner and a few minutes later I get this email from my work friend:

"I need to just kind of “put this out there” because it’s a little unsettling to me that, well, I guess you totally forgot that you had invited me and *** to come over tonight to see your tree and “possibly meet new guy” – but of course you’ve made other plans. It’s awkward for me --and while *** asked me to thank you but said she couldn’t make it because she’s working until 8, I guess tonight when she asks what I ended up doing I can just make up some reason that I told you I couldn’t make it – or I could tell her that we were sort of uninvited because you’d made other plans – but in any case it puts me back to a place I don’t want to be in.

I wouldn’t say anything like this in front of ** (our officemate) but there’s no other time I’d be able to talk to you. I know I used the word “unsettling” but the truth is it’s just plain hurtful. On Tuesday you’d made it very clear that you were extending this invitation. I know I didn’t misunderstand it. I just don’t know what it means that you would just forget about it. "

So of course I sent back my deepest apologies, how flaky of me, how sorry, etc. Only to be followed up with a series of emails about how my behavior makes her vulnerable, and my friendship is conditional, etc. etc. etc. I acknowledge I was wrong in forgetting, but it was not purposely. And certainly never intended to be hurtful.

Ten emails or so later, I have been forgiven, but basically also made to feel like a total loser and bad friend and person. Since when did EVERYTHING have to be so much work? Am I wrong to feel a little miffed about this? Was what I did so awful? Is it no longer acceptable or in vogue to be human and make a mistake?

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land...

Last weekend, I met the new guys parents. Apparently I can really turn it on when I want to, as they loved everything about me. OK, maybe they are just happy that at 48 years old, he has found someone and he is happy.

I was ridiculously nervous. I felt like I was 18 years old and not 40 years old. I couldn't eat a thing all day. I spent hours trying on different outfits, feeling I had to look perfect. I could not understand why it was so important to me that they love me. I mean, clearly, it is better if they do, but still.

The meeting of his parents had started to become sort of a bone of contention with us. We have been seeing each other rather seriously for about 7 months. He spends alot of time with his parents and never invited me although his parents were quite anxious to meet me. I was a bit surprised when the last few weeks he kept asking me if we could go spend a few hours with his parents so I could meet them. I couldn't help but wonder why the sudden change of heart. Was it to appease his parents or me or was it because HE wanted me to meet them. His response was, that it was all three, and basically it was just the right time.

So my friends and family keep insisting that this is a really big "step" in our relationship, that this means we are serious, and he must be marriage minded, blah, blah, blah. I don't think this way at all. Although it did make me feel good that he brought me "home" so to speak. So yesterday he starts this weird little text message fight with me about the state of our relationship and how I seem increasingly unhappy and did I want to continue the relationship. WTF??

We talked it out, and I reassured him that I was very, very happy in this relationship and want very much to stay in it and that I will work harder at showing my feelings as I have a tendency to not let anyone in or to get to close for fear of them seeing the real me and not loving me anymore. Another character defect I am becoming aware of and going to work on removing.

So I guess I am a little afraid of how I am feeling, this is the most grown up relationship I have ever been in. This is a nice, gentle, good man that doesn't need me screwing with his head and his heart while I try to learn how to do this right and selflessly. I have to learn to not pick fights when I am feeling needy and instead ask to be reassured. I have to be willing to give the love I want back in return. I must realize that this isn't all about me, and I can not do things I know will hurt him. I have to be careful not to let this relationship take on a life of it's own and move at a pace I am not ready for. Like everything else in my life, I have to remember to take it one step at a time. And I have to remind myself to have fun and to not take it all so seriously.

So, OK, not one of my more interesting posts, but it is what is going on with me today. Love you all much!

Friday, December 12, 2008

My soul slides away, but don't lookback in anger...

Today I am struggling with lots of angry feelings. Resentments and anger. When I made the decision to buy a house with my parents in order to help my father and upon his passing, be there for my mother, I knew it would not be an easy ride.

My mother and I are very close. More like sisters or friends than mother and daughter and this sometimes creates a problem within itself. You guessed it: boundary issues. For the most part we get along but lately there been a storm brewing slowly, yet powerfully, within our relationship beneath the surface.

I feel a certain level of resentment from her when I spend alot of time with the new guy. Mind you, I rarely go out with him if La Petit is home, usually only on the weekends when he is with his father or the one night during the week when he has dinner with him. On the opposite weekends, when La Petit is home with me, sometimes New Guy will come over, and so will the Prince and his G/F and we will all order a pizza, watch movies, play a game etc. So it is not interfering with La Petit and leaving him out of the loop. On those weekends when I feel my son needs alone Mommy time, I have no problem telling New Guy that I can't see him.

Earlier this week, I met my mother at a local mall after work to do some shopping. I had planned on meeting new guy afterwards for a quick dinner. My mother got a bit pissy saying why did I need to see him so much? And why during the week? And I understand she is lonely and sad, an alcoholic. I hate that I am feeling and acting selfish and childish, but I need to build a life of my own as well.

If the new guy issue was the only problem, I could deal with it. We own the house jointly and as such, share all of the household expenses equally. We have a joint account and we each contribute the same amount to it each month. This account has a debit card that my mother holds. We sometimes shop together for food and household items together and pay for it out of this account. More often than not, I do more of the food shopping, take car of the puppy's expenses, etc. on my own and pay for it out of pocket. I never think twice about this.

Recently upon reviewing the balances on our account, I came across some charges for a price club like store, and questioned the expenses. Mind you, it is not a matter of trust, I trust my mother one hundred percent, but I couldn't understand where 3 trip to price club at over a hundred dollars a pop in under a weeks time. I do not feel extra food purchases for my brother and Christmas shopping is something that should be paid for using our joint account.

We discussed it briefly and I thought the issue had been put to rest. I didn't intend to sound accusatory, and thought I was behaving responsibly by tracking my own finances. In the evenings, when my mother begins her wine consumption, she has been bringing up the conversation repeatedly and becoming defensive and argumentative about the situation. She is also starting to snip at La Petit and it is becoming a battlefield in my home. I left my husband for that reason, and I am simply incapable of living that way again.

I love my mother and hate to fight with her. I hate how I am feeling today. I need to find a way to step outside of my anger. This is a major character defect of mine. When I am upset, or sad or unhappy or unsatisfied, it turns to anger. And my anger is an ugly thing, I take it out on all of those around me and I can not shake it off easily. After feeling angry last night I lashed out at La Petit and while doing so I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and the woman looking back at me was a scary, scary person.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Why do you come here? And why do you hang around?

Good morning all. Yes, I'm still around, just feeling incredibly lazy about blogging. I still check in with you all each morning though.

Having some really mixed feelings about the holidays and the loss of my Dad this past spring. I feel as though I should miss him more than I do. I keep having this same reoccurring dream about him, that he dies, we all go to his funeral, and then it turns out he wasn't really dead after all, and he is back, and then he just dies again. In the dream, I am thinking how my job just isn't going to believe this and won't give me the time off to go to his funeral again.

My father had been so sick for so long, that it was difficult to be around him. Painful almost. He suffered a massive stroke many years ago that left him paralyzed on his left side, then throw in the pancreatic cancer, numerous surgeries, and chemo therapy and it was like looking at the walking dead. It was difficult for him to get around, he walked with a cane, but very, very slowly. He fell more often then he did not. He lost control of his bowels not long before he entered the hospital for the last time. He would often vomit violently without notice and for hours on end. He had no life, and little dignity left for the last few years.

Being around made me anxious and nervous. I could barely stand to watch him fall. It just broke my heart to see him so sick, so broken. Although I miss my father, I am almost grateful that he is no longer with us. It just seems fairer that he is out of his misery, although he fought like hell to stay in this world. And that is where I feel so guilty.

I often long for the days of my early twenties when he was sick, but still functioned in life. My children were young, and although I was never happily married, I was content enough. Drugs, alcohol and addiction hadn't had their evil way with my family yet. Everything now is just, well, its just different. My mother is sad and lonely and drunk on wine most of the time. Her health isn't great and she doesn't seem to care. My Prince seems to be clean, I see him often enough, but I often have doubts if he is using by the hours he sometimes keeps. Sober people don't stay in bed till 5 or 6 in the evening on a Sunday, you know?

So I think I will throw out some gratitude for the things in the life that I do have to try to lift me up a bit this day.

  • That I have a job that should remain secure through the fiscal nightmare our country is going through.
  • La Petit having a better week in school so far and seems to be making a little more effort to take it a little more serious.
  • For the pretty red wrapping paper I am using to wrap all of my presents in. I haven't done that in a really long time and it just looks so elegant.
  • For the sweet man I am still dating. Taking it slow and easy in this relationship is nice.
  • The Prince having and maintaining a decent job. I don't think he fully understands how bad the economy and job market is, and how lucky he is to have a job in the first place.
  • For my precious puppy Saki, Sorry Lou, I am all about the my dog!! He is the love of my life and I have never been an animal person!
  • For good friends that don't turn heir backs on me because I as bad at returning phone calls as I am about keeping my blog up to date.
  • The gym membership I purchased a few weeks ago,haven't made it there yet, but I do have my gym bag in the car, just ready and waiting for me to get motivated.
  • For all of the great bloggers out there that continue to awe and inspire me with their experience, strength and hope.