Last weekend, I met the new guys parents. Apparently I can really turn it on when I want to, as they loved everything about me. OK, maybe they are just happy that at 48 years old, he has found someone and he is happy.
I was ridiculously nervous. I felt like I was 18 years old and not 40 years old. I couldn't eat a thing all day. I spent hours trying on different outfits, feeling I had to look perfect. I could not understand why it was so important to me that they love me. I mean, clearly, it is better if they do, but still.
The meeting of his parents had started to become sort of a bone of contention with us. We have been seeing each other rather seriously for about 7 months. He spends alot of time with his parents and never invited me although his parents were quite anxious to meet me. I was a bit surprised when the last few weeks he kept asking me if we could go spend a few hours with his parents so I could meet them. I couldn't help but wonder why the sudden change of heart. Was it to appease his parents or me or was it because HE wanted me to meet them. His response was, that it was all three, and basically it was just the right time.
So my friends and family keep insisting that this is a really big "step" in our relationship, that this means we are serious, and he must be marriage minded, blah, blah, blah. I don't think this way at all. Although it did make me feel good that he brought me "home" so to speak. So yesterday he starts this weird little text message fight with me about the state of our relationship and how I seem increasingly unhappy and did I want to continue the relationship. WTF??
We talked it out, and I reassured him that I was very, very happy in this relationship and want very much to stay in it and that I will work harder at showing my feelings as I have a tendency to not let anyone in or to get to close for fear of them seeing the real me and not loving me anymore. Another character defect I am becoming aware of and going to work on removing.
So I guess I am a little afraid of how I am feeling, this is the most grown up relationship I have ever been in. This is a nice, gentle, good man that doesn't need me screwing with his head and his heart while I try to learn how to do this right and selflessly. I have to learn to not pick fights when I am feeling needy and instead ask to be reassured. I have to be willing to give the love I want back in return. I must realize that this isn't all about me, and I can not do things I know will hurt him. I have to be careful not to let this relationship take on a life of it's own and move at a pace I am not ready for. Like everything else in my life, I have to remember to take it one step at a time. And I have to remind myself to have fun and to not take it all so seriously.
So, OK, not one of my more interesting posts, but it is what is going on with me today. Love you all much!