Friday, December 12, 2008

My soul slides away, but don't lookback in anger...

Today I am struggling with lots of angry feelings. Resentments and anger. When I made the decision to buy a house with my parents in order to help my father and upon his passing, be there for my mother, I knew it would not be an easy ride.

My mother and I are very close. More like sisters or friends than mother and daughter and this sometimes creates a problem within itself. You guessed it: boundary issues. For the most part we get along but lately there been a storm brewing slowly, yet powerfully, within our relationship beneath the surface.

I feel a certain level of resentment from her when I spend alot of time with the new guy. Mind you, I rarely go out with him if La Petit is home, usually only on the weekends when he is with his father or the one night during the week when he has dinner with him. On the opposite weekends, when La Petit is home with me, sometimes New Guy will come over, and so will the Prince and his G/F and we will all order a pizza, watch movies, play a game etc. So it is not interfering with La Petit and leaving him out of the loop. On those weekends when I feel my son needs alone Mommy time, I have no problem telling New Guy that I can't see him.

Earlier this week, I met my mother at a local mall after work to do some shopping. I had planned on meeting new guy afterwards for a quick dinner. My mother got a bit pissy saying why did I need to see him so much? And why during the week? And I understand she is lonely and sad, an alcoholic. I hate that I am feeling and acting selfish and childish, but I need to build a life of my own as well.

If the new guy issue was the only problem, I could deal with it. We own the house jointly and as such, share all of the household expenses equally. We have a joint account and we each contribute the same amount to it each month. This account has a debit card that my mother holds. We sometimes shop together for food and household items together and pay for it out of this account. More often than not, I do more of the food shopping, take car of the puppy's expenses, etc. on my own and pay for it out of pocket. I never think twice about this.

Recently upon reviewing the balances on our account, I came across some charges for a price club like store, and questioned the expenses. Mind you, it is not a matter of trust, I trust my mother one hundred percent, but I couldn't understand where 3 trip to price club at over a hundred dollars a pop in under a weeks time. I do not feel extra food purchases for my brother and Christmas shopping is something that should be paid for using our joint account.

We discussed it briefly and I thought the issue had been put to rest. I didn't intend to sound accusatory, and thought I was behaving responsibly by tracking my own finances. In the evenings, when my mother begins her wine consumption, she has been bringing up the conversation repeatedly and becoming defensive and argumentative about the situation. She is also starting to snip at La Petit and it is becoming a battlefield in my home. I left my husband for that reason, and I am simply incapable of living that way again.

I love my mother and hate to fight with her. I hate how I am feeling today. I need to find a way to step outside of my anger. This is a major character defect of mine. When I am upset, or sad or unhappy or unsatisfied, it turns to anger. And my anger is an ugly thing, I take it out on all of those around me and I can not shake it off easily. After feeling angry last night I lashed out at La Petit and while doing so I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and the woman looking back at me was a scary, scary person.

4 comments:

~ Tabitha ~ said...

excellent-you've seen a side of yourself you don't like..that's a step ahead of denying anything is wrong.
I can understand your feelings about your living with your Mom.
Your intentions were always good Kel..life is moving on now.I hope you and her can find a peaceful way to figure something out...because La Petite does not need another home with fighting..and neither do you.
xoxo

pat said...

Kel,
You said a lot here so I will tell you what I just told Cat. Take the pressure off yourself. You have the answers. All you need to do is listen to what is inside.

Pen to Paper said...

WEll, you recognize it, step one. Step two is to deal with it. You are in control... oh and I agree with pat... don't put too much pressure on yourself, you are after all human and imperfect, so you're aloud to have personality defects.

Cat said...

Hey Kel,

First I want to commend you for buying a home with your mom - after everything - i would have hid myself away - alone - where I did not have to deal with anyone else, exept on my own terms.

I have got to say you have a huge heart and it has gotten you here - my guess is that if you just keep listening to it - it will take you where you need to go in this as well.

I know that frustration feeling when you see that character defect and know what it is - yet feel absolutely powerless to do anything about it.

Cat