Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Extra Prayers Please...

My dad was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer two years ago this coming November. Fourteen years before that, at the age of 49, he suffered a massive stroke, leaving him paralyzed on his left side. Shortly after that he was diagnosed with diabetes. He in insulin dependent. Needless to say, he is a very sick man.

When we were given the cancer diagnosis, we were told he would most likely be dead within 3-6 months. We went to Sloan Kettering and found an amazing surgeon that said it was operable, and after a grueling 9-10 hours of surgery, he was able to remove the tumor. The recovery was long and painful. He had many complications, in and out of the hospital for 6 months or so after the surgery. But he was cancer free. A follow up course with chemo would have been ideal, but he isn't strong or healthy enough to withstand the chemo, it would most likely kill him.

He returns to the doc every few months for bloodwork. They do what's called a CA19-9 (or something like that) blood test. Elevated levels in this test indicate pancreatic cancer, although it should not be used as a diagnostic tool, if the levels are elevated, the doc follows up with a MRI or a PET scan. My dads levels remained steady for the first year after the surgery and for the last year they have been creeping up. Over the summer the levels were in the 300s but the MRI was clean. While at his regular MD about 3 weeks ago he asked for this test again. The levels were through the roof. 1900. So we took him back to Sloan, thinking it was a mistake, and he was retested on Monday. Yesterday we found out his levels are over 3000. Not a good sign. They are going to get him in for an MRI later this week or early next week. he is frightened, and depressed. He told my mom Monday night that he was so weak and tired. I am afraid for him. So if anyone can spare an extra prayer for my Dad today, it would be greatly appreciated.


Tuesday, September 26, 2006

The calm before the storm?

Things are calm. But I keep having this feeling of dread like it is the calm before the storm. The princes girlfriend got a job, working afterschool and on weekends, so she hasn't been around a lot the last week or so. It makes him out of sorts. He is restless. Seems a little depressed. Friday night he stayed up all night drinking espresso and playing a computer game so he could sleep away most of Saturday because he didn't have anything else to do. Did the same thing on Saturday night. Sunday night we went to my parents house for dinner. He went, but he had an attitude. He was fighting with his brother all night. Told him to get the F out of the room when he was talking to his GF on the phone. So I told him not to speak that way in his grandparents house or to his brother. Period. He had a tantrum and told me I ruined his night and then went to take a nap.

Last week he told me that the anitdepressants were giving him some rather unpleasant sexual side effects. He is waiting to talk to his doctor at the program about it. His regular doc just left on maternity leave and the new one hasn't gotten to see him yet. He doesn't want me to call, he wants to take care of it on his own.

So of course, now I am worried that this will affect the relationship with the GF. I know it sounds like I am giving my blessing to him being sexual active, and I am not. However, I know that you can not stop them from doing it so I try hard to keep the communication open with this stuff so he will talk to me and I can be sure he is being safe. Its awkward and uncomfortable, but I know he feels like he can tell me everything.

I received a call from his probation officer this morning. She left me a voicemail. He is officially off PINS. I am now on my own. I am pleased because that means he is improving and doing better, but it was the last piece of leverage I had over him at all. I am afraid he will now drop the program and do what he wants.

I guess this is adding to my trepidation today. I can just feel something brewing. Is this just more co-dependent behavior? Or is it ok to feel like this?

Friday, September 22, 2006

Oh... and one more thing...

I tag Trudge.....

P.S. Thanks for your help Tab!! ;)

Here comes the Judge....

I share an office with a woman who was hired about 5 months ago. We have become friendly. I respect and like her. She is in her mid-40s and a widow. She has a grown daughter. She has been looking to meet men on the internet through the personals, like yahoo or something like that. Yesterday she received an interest or a wink or something from a really nice looking man, late 40s successful, blah blah blah. So we got to work writing a clever witty response. Anyway, long story short, I started asking her about the kind of guys she has met on the site and she said not many good ones. That most of them were nothing like what they claimed to be, and a lot of them very either alcoholics or recovered drug addicts, and she wants no part of that.

I'm not sure if she saw my jaw drop when she said that. But is this really the way the world looks at people in recovery? That they want no part if an intimate relationship with them? That they aren't worthy of second chance?

When the prince first started using, and it was basically pot and alcohol back then, he was in the ninth grade, and as a result he failed every course including gym, with the exception of English for the year. He would have to take 2 or 3 subjects in summer school to catch up a bit and be allowed to go onto the 10th grade. Of, course he failed summer school as well. I honestly don't think I thought he was doing drugs yet, that would come shortly after.

Well there was a big meeting at the school and we had to make a decision. He could go to the altern. HS program located in the building or he could stay back in the 9th grade. The Alt. program was an inclusion class, it ranged from 10-12th graders the ratio was small, maybe 10:1 or something like that. It was for the kids that didn't fit the "traditional" education model. These kids weren't given homework, because they wouldn't do it anyway, they didn't have to take gym, because "these" kids didn't like to change into sweats or shorts and run around and play. They read the sports pages and wrote a paragraph in order to satisfy the state ed requirements for physical education, they watched the movie instead of reading the books. These were the f-ed up kids, mostly the kids on drugs, on probation, and other problems like that. But there were two classes, one for the kids who had a learning disablilty like my son, and the one for those that didn't. They led me to believe that these kids were not all on drugs, that some smoked a little pot, but half of the HS did, so what was the worry?

After much deliberation, I decided it was probably better to let him go into the Alt. program then to keep him back a year. The district more or less told me this was his best shot at graduating HS. They would push him through. All I could think of was, would any girls date him or want to go to the prom with him if he was in this class.

I clearly remember how I felt that day, I knew he would be judged, and I think that bothered me almost as much as his failing. I can also remember times during the last few years when I would be somewhere and meet someone who has kids in the HS and I wouldn't want to say who my son was cause I know what his reputation is like up there, and I know lots of the other parents didn't want their kids any where near mine.

But I know its a disease. And I can only pray he will keep the desire to stay clean. He seems to making a lot of progress these last few weeks since the relapse on the cruise. We had a family session on Tuesday and she couldn't stop saying how incredible he has been doing, that he is staying awake all day, he is participating for the first time since he started and he is finally dealing with some stuff and opening up.

We started talking about the family dynamics and how unfortunate the relationship is between the prince and his dad. His father spoke briefly and said how the kid needs to respect him and how the prince needs to accept that he is the authority figure, and so on. I interjected that he needs to start seeing the prince as a human being, that in a few months he will be a man, and he needs to learn to accept that and accept the prince and try to save the relationship now, while there are professionals willing to help.

She said there is work that has to be done with the prince and his dad and she is willing to put it on table and "go there" but she needs to know his feelings about it, is he willing. It is all about his father and his active alcoholism. He says he is willing to try. She wants me to sit out for the next session, and try to get them working. It will be ugly I am sure.

So, wow, I am all over the place on this post today. I wanted to say how sad I found my friends comment to be and that I know people are ignorant, but how much it hurt me and I didn't say anything about it, but it hurt me.

Does this make any sense at all?

Have a great weekend all.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

A little something about me.....


Yes, I think after a tv character in the late 60s.

Hmm... Last Sunday I think

Yes, my printing I love, but my script is sloppy and I dont like it. I blame my third grade teacher for this.

I'm not a fan of lunch meat but I love cream cheese with olives and pimentos. Does that count?

6. KIDS?
Yes. Two sons.

Probably not. I'm very needy and always have alot of drama in my life.

Does this blog count?

Yes, but I dont think people always get it that it's sarcasm.


Nah... I'm a big chicken. I don't even do roller coasters.


13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Usually. Im a bit on the anal retentive side. Not only do I untie them. I put them back in their original box.

14. ARE YOU STRONG? Not even a little.

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Not a huge ice cream eater, but I guess it would be vanilla. To match my vanilla life.

16. SHOE SIZE? 8. I went up a size with each of my kids.

17. DO YOU LIKE RED OR PINK? Pink!!!!!!


19. WHAT IS THE MOST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I have good hair and Im naturally thin.


21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING- I am wearing my fabulous new black pleated skirt from INC. and even more fabulous black Enzo Angiolini stiletto pumps with a peek a boo hole at the toe. LOVE THEM!!

22. LAST THING YOU ATE? Half a bag of those super sweet candy corns. The ones with the chocolate in them. I live on candy and coffee.

23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Nada. I am still in the office. Mostly everyone is gone. Its like a cemetary in here. I love it this time of day.

24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Silver. I always liked the silver one best.

25. FAVORITE SMELL? Fabric softener when the dryer is on.



28.DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO TAGGED YOU? I wasnt tagged. I cut and pasted it off of another blog.

29.FAVE DRINKS-Starbucks... Non-fat vanilla latte.


31. EYE COLOR? Green. Cat green. Very blah.

32. HAT SIZE? -I have no idea!! I usually buy them for $5 on the street in Manhattan.

33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope. But need glasses for tv, movies and driving.

34. FAVORITE FOOD? -Cheese and bread.


36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIES? I forgot the name of it, but it was REALLY BAD. It starred Hillary Duff and her sister. I took the Prince and his girfriend.



39.There does not seem to be a question here..?

40. FAVORITE DESSERT? -Carrot cake... no raisins please, or creme brulee



43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Sellevision, by Augusten Burroughs, I absolutely love everything he has written.

44. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Its red, and it has a vendors name on it. It was a sample.

45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Reruns of Greys Anatomy

46. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Hearing the prince actually giggle. My little one telling me he loves me.


48. THE FARTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? San Francisco or The Caribbean Im not sure which is farthest, actually I guess its San Fran. Geography... so not my thing.

49. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? I can accesorize well??? Im not very talented at anything.

50. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? -Brooklyn, 1968.

51. WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?-I stole it from a blog that I found by checking out some of Tabs links...

Thursday, September 14, 2006

This post is actually not about the Prince....

So last weekend my neighbors who are not married, they are bothe divorced and are living together, we are all really close friends, invited us over to play cards. We usually spend holidays together, our kids are great friends, the families are close. My parents are crazy about the Boyfriend, he is about 10 years older than me. The girlfriend, who I consider to be one of my closest friends, is my age.

I am not much of a card player. I have ADD issues. I cant sit still very long, so I dont play, I tend to run around, serving everyone, cleaning up, making more coffee etc. This couple tends to drink a bit too much for my taste. Needless to say, my parents and AH love to hang out with them. So anyway, I go upstairs to wash some dishes and make some coffee to try to wrap the evening up, and Im in the kitchen and the boyfriend comes up behind me, wraps his arms around my waist and starts kissing my neck. I mean, WTF is that about?? I didnt know what to say. I was startled. I squirmed away and I was like, are you kidding me??? And he starts telling me how he cant stop thinking about me, blah blah blah. I need this??? So I try to nicely explain that it isn't gonna happen, that # 1 I am not interested, #2 your girlfirend is my best friend #3 what kind of piec of crap are you???? My parents were down the stairs, so was his girlfriend and so was AH. Now, dont get me wrong, AH and I dont have a relationship like that anymore, but still this guy is his friend.

What is wrong with people? What gives them the right? So now, of course I have been upset all week thinking, maybe I sent him signals, maybe I was unconciously leading him on. I often come to them, as a couple for help and advice, they are good to me. Maybe my neediness came off as something else?

Tonight is bowling night. We bowl on the same team. It will be awkward. The first thing I have done for myself in g-d knows how long has now been tainted. Will the drama in my life ever end??

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Co-dependency and Cleanliness...

I think one of the reasons I am so reluctant to get myself to an Al-anon or Families Anon meeting is that I am afraid if I "accept" or let go, then I will lose him. That I will be giving my blessing for him to continue with his suicide mission. I know how ridiculous that sounds but I cant help but have the feeling that if I take care of me then I cant take care of him.

The last week or so I have been focusing my energy more on myself. Not driving my self crazy, trying to eat and sleep, taking care of me for a change. And I notice he is a bit indifferent. Like if I am not all over him, he still functions, of course he still BREATHES, and me, I am back to being a basketcase. What is wrong with me???

I feel like he needs me to be rooting for him at all times. He still needs to be mothered, he hasnt showered in a week. Seriously. He has this thing about showering. When he was high on coke and weed and pills and alcohol all the time, I thought it was like normal drug addict behavior. Then after he got into rehab, he still wasn't showering, so I thought it was because he was so severely depressed. After a few weeks, and adjustments to his meds, and getting rid of the toxic girlfriend, I blamed it on laziness. He has a new girlfirend, I mean, who will kiss a guy who hasnt showered or brushed his teeth in over a week?

Is this normal recovery behavior? Or as usual is the prince unique in his battles???? Or is this just something else I need to let go of??

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Bloodlines and other fun stuff.....

Good afternoon all. I don't know about where you are, but here in NY it is a beautiful, sunny, perfect September day. I hate that I am at work and not outside somewhere enjoying it.

Bowling, was great. I had so much fun. I laughed and wore horrible neon tri color rental shoes that countless others have worn. I laughed, and I could breathe. I should mention, that I am not a good bowler. Not by a long shot, but apparently it is good to have a lousy bowler on your team cause it gives you a better handicap or something like that. I will learn more about these bowling rules and words as I go along. I am a research freak and a perfectionist.

I went out Saturday and bought some bowling shoes. If I had a clue how to post a pic, I would gladly share them with you, but, alas, I have no idea how to do that.

I have so much I want to share today, since I haven't posted in a few days but am working on a project with a deadline, so I will have to be brief.

So. Ok, the prince. Does it make me a really really bad mother that I actually can not completely wait for him to grow up and move out of my house? Things are status quo right now. Not a bad thing. But he just manipulates me and when I call him on it he gets such a freaking attitude and talks to me like I am a piece of poop. I am just so over it. He has this complete sense of entitlement that I can not comprehend. He actually started pulling the "It is my fault he is in rehab" bit again this weekend. Yes, Prince Charming, I apologize for marrying and procreating (not necessarily in that order) with a man before getting his complete genetic makeup and family history and mixing his alcoholic tainted blood with the bloodline of my alcoholic family, however, I did NOT put the coke up your nose and make you snort it, or hock my jewelry to support your habit and pretty much stop going to school. These were your choices. Your options. And you know what? I still don't feel he is getting clean for the right reason. When we further discussed his dirty urine, his response was that it was "Just Weed". I can not tell you how that statement makes my blood boil. He was like, at least I didn't relapse on blow, be glad I didn't "rail some lines". I'm thinking, oh my little prince, you should be glad I don't beat you where you stand........

Thursday, September 07, 2006

And today is another day

I think I am finally getting this. I can't control his behavior or his choices or his disease. It is not my fault. (note to self: keep repeating until you believe it)

I didn't tell his father yet and I didn't discuss the dirty urine with him at length except for the conversation we had on the phone. He smoked on the cruise, said he knew he f-ed up, and that obviously he cant be around it he isn't strong enough.

I am proud of him for "owning" this. I spoke to his counselor this morning and we just keep moving forward. One step forward, two steps back.

Oh. And I joined a bowling team ( can you say Pathetic Loser?) , I know it is so circa 1957, but it is for me. I am doing something just for me.

I am breathing.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

And I spoke too soon.....

The prince just called me.

He had a dirty urine. He smoked weed on the cruise.

I cant breathe.

It just never F-ing ends.

Back to School, Back to work, Back to Reality....

Well I am back at work after a nice long four day weekend. My little guy started back to school this morning, and the prince is back in his program after a week off. I'm tired. Still have insomnia. Bad insomnia.

I let the prince go to the game Friday and it all worked out well. He had a great time. I told him when he got home that he didn't really have permission but that I felt he deserved it and he said Thank you. Wow.

Saturday night I took him and the girlfriend to the movies. And guess who was at the movies? One of the Jets. The quarterback. Pennington or something like that. He was really nice and shook hands with my boys and gave them an autograph. We laughed all weekend about how the football guy was stalking my son.

Since we had a long weekend, I had wanted to take the boys to the Renaissance Faire up at Sterling Forest in Tuxedo NY. We had been there a few years ago and I remember the kids really liking it and enjoying themselves. When I suggested to them that we go again, the prince responded with, "Oh, yeah, the place where you wouldn't let me get the baby dragons (actually little lizards)." I couldn't believe it, apparently he has been keeping a mental inventory of all the times he feels I wronged him and he thinks I should be making amends to him. Me, cause I'm such a bad mother. All of these leading him into his addiction.

Well, we went, of course the girlfriend came with us and yes, of course I gave in and bought the damn lizards. When we got home that night he was like the long lost little boy that I haven't seen in so long. He was busy with his brother setting up the tank for the lizards. He was talking to them in the sweetest most gentle voice I have ever heard him use, he was calling them, buddy, like, "Come here buddy, I wont hurt you." It just made me feel so warm and happy. He was like his old self.

Today he went back to the program. The bus was late and he was getting very anxious and complaining about how much he hates it and how he wants OUT OF THERE by January. I didn't want to argue or start a fight, so I just kept saying, then he should really start working towards that, that I thought it was good he had a goal. I heard from his psychiatrist this morning and she wants me to give him his meds even earlier at night cause he is still very lethargic. Otherwise, she is going to lower his dosage. I think that is a mistake. But I am not a professional, so what do I know.

So, all in all the prince is doing well. At least for the moment. His father, the AH, on the other hand is useless. He supposedly works overtime on the weekends. But every single Saturday morning when he gets up, you can smell the alcohol seeping out of his pores, his room smells, he actually leaves a trail of eau de vodka. So Saturday I was going to take my little guy out for Japanese before I took the prince and the GF to the movies. AH was home with them all day Friday and Friday night until I got home. He slept until noon, took them to Wendys for lunch and gave my little guy mac n cheese for dinner. They never left the house. Anyway, I was leaving for Japanese and he gave me an attitude, asking why he wasn't invited for Japanese. I said someone needed to stay home with the prince since he doesn't like Japanese and I like to try to spend some alone time with the little one. He replied that he had to stay home the day before with them, I said since he felt that way, maybe HE should have taken my little guy for Sushi the night before..... he had no comment but told me to get home ASAP as he had to get to work. Yeah. Right.

So we are eating our sushi, having a nice time and he calls my cell and asks how long we will be, and I say soon, he says, good, cause my brother just called him and invited him to go play cards and he wasn't going to work. Nice.

When we got home from the movies, we had lost power from the storm. I called him and told him and you think he might have come home, but of course he did not. He didn't show up till I called him at my brothers at noon the next day telling him had to get home because I had to get the little one to a birthday party. Again, when he got hime the smell of alcohol was so strong it made me nauseous. He said they stayed up until 6 am playing cards. I know some of the people there are known coke users/abusers. Its just sad he doesn't get it. Really sad.

PS- I want to thank you all for all of your incredible comments and support. I can not tell you how much it means to me and how much it helps me, especially from those of you who have been or are in my position.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Rain on my parade

I stayed up all night hoping the rain will come tonight and rain out the football game so I wouldnt have to worry about it, but apparently they do not rain out football games. So, I was forced to make a decision.

As conflicted as I feel, I have decided to let him go to the game. I hope it does not come back to bite me in the behind. I didnt even tell him yet that his request was denied. I will discuss it with him tomorrow. I am going to take it as an opportunity to explain to him how very proud I am of him for getting clean. I am also going to tell him how he needs to start taking the program a little more serious, and that just because he is there in body he must also be there in mind.

Wish me luck.