Thursday, August 31, 2006

So what do I do now?

The prince started his program on or about April 16th. The two months before that he spent a week in a psych hospital and then did their outpatient program for about a month, went back to HS for a week or so and then back into the outpatient program at the hospital until I could get him into the program he is in now. So, essentially, he has been on lockdown since February 19th. He was allowed out for an hour or two once, maybe twice a week while I was trying to get him in the program he is in now. Since the program he has been supervised 24/7 with the exception of the few hours on the night when he took off a few weeks ago. And, thankfully he did not use that night. In order for him to do anything, meaning, in order for him to have someone come over, etc. He needs to write a written request. He is 17 years old. On the one hand it breaks my heart because he is almost a man and he is being treated like a child. On the other hand he has made some decisions that led him into full addiction and he needs to rehabilitated and I still do not believe he is there yet.

But honestly, it has amazed me since day one that he has been so cooperative. I mean, seriously, what other teenager will stay in the house 24/7 for the better part of 6 months, the summer leading into senior year, without an argument? So anyway, his girlfriend and her family have season tickets for the Jets, and they invited him to a preseason game. Her aunt will be taking them, and she is retired NYPD, doesn't smoke or drink and knows completely of his situation and I feel comfortable letting him go with them.

He wrote his request yesterday, and then he had a bit of an attitude at the program, because he wasn't participating and was falling asleep, he claimed to not be feeling well, and he called his grandmother to come home. Today they were going to a water park and he didn't want to go and I let him stay home with his grandmother. He is not into water parks or rides and honestly, I am happy to be saving the cost of the trip plus the days expense for the program. The well is running a bit dry.

I spoke to our family counselor a few minutes ago and they are denying his request. I am stunned. Baffled. They said because he had an attitude yesterday. I'm sorry, but this just seems to be a little punitive to me. He has not been a model patient, that I am sure, but he goes willing, participates to the best of his ability and he is still clean, and still going. I have been getting a bad vive the last few days that he is trying to get out. Alot of kids got thrown out while we were on vacation for any number of reasons, and it turns out a few parents pulled their kids out this week, apparently alot of the parents use the program as a summer babysitting service to keep their kids relatively under control. Kind of like, well if you do this over the summer, you can go back to HS in September. So I think he has it in his head that he can leave soon. I mean WTF??? What is wrong with these parents? These kids need more than 60 days outpatient treatment to get their lives back in order. It is my belief that adolescent addiction needs to be treated different that adult addiction. Clearly I am no professional, but I know they need to get to the underlying problems and deal with that because I think a lot of these kids self medicate and then the disease kicks in.

So what do I do? Do I let him go against their wishes? If I don't let him go, he will surely go off the wall. He will freak out and probably take off and I just cant deal with that again right now. I know that is probably just more of my co-dependent behavior, but honestly, he is looking so forward to it. I was excited for him, I am now just sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Co-dependent??? Me?????

I received the most enlightening comments from Alcoholic Brain on my post of August 9th. I don't know how many thousands of dollars I have spent and the countless hours in therapy, but one comment from a fellow blogger, and I was knocked out!! Co-dependent? Me?? Wow. I mean seriously. Shouldn't I have picked up on this by now??

Sometimes I guess it takes an outsider to point out the obvious I guess. I have been so busy trying to save everyone around me, that I tend to lose myself in the process. I have had a miserable marriage pretty much from day one. I don't love the man any longer and I haven't in a very long time. I often question whether or not I ever did. I don't need him necessarily finacially any more, I have a better job and make more money. He has lost his ambition years ago and has pretty much remained stagnant in his job for the last 17 years. I guess that is part of his disease. It is coming out more and more in the princes therapy that his father and his drinking are a huge part of his problem. My own therapist, who has known AH for years as we all went to him for family therapy when the prince began his problems, at one point asked that AH not come back to family therapy as he didn't participate, he was difficult and was not helping matters. He also questions me on a regular basis as to why I am still with him, and refers to him as a cancer. Like as in, if I surgically remove the cancer from my life, it will hurt and it will leave a scar but I will heal and be well again.

We have separate bedrooms. We have not been intimate in I can not tell you how long. But we don't fight a lot, and for the most part we try to function as a family. While we were on the cruise, I tried to talk to him about his drinking, and the problems it causes and he turned it around and blamed me and said I don't sleep with him, blah blah blah, and that he wouldn't stop drinking but he would control it. Yeah. Right. He is also lazy. And selfish. Our lawn is so overgrown it is embarrassing. The neighbors are commenting. He said he was "letting it grow out". If it isn't done by the weekend, I am hiring a service. He tends to oversleep in the mornings. Guess drinking a bottle of vodka alone in bed at night tends to make you sleepy in the mornings, and the prince gets picked up at 730 and I leave right after that. Last week, I realized he was still home when we were leaving, and he should be on the train by 545 if he wants to make it to work on time at 7 a.m. So I woke him up and he got up and acted like he was leaving right after us. My neighbor told me he was home until at least 11. Now, I'm not unreasonable, but I don't think it is right to go to work late at your convenience, when I am running my ass back and forth every day, getting in late for work, and leaving a bit early, and working at home at night to make up for it so I can get the prince and my little guy off to their programs and be home early enough to get there when they do. I am exhausted. And it just pisses me off that I deal with everything. He has needed a car for months. More than months. But again, he is too lazy to deal with looking for one. He finally finds one last week and he tells me on Monday, that he is nervous it will be gone when he goes back for it so he is thinking of leaving work early to go get it. I'm like.... Are you F-ing kidding me????? You cant leave early to get your kids, but you can leave early to get a car???? I just walked away.

I could go on for page and pages about this, but it is actually starting to give me anxiety. So co-dependent. Huh. Who knew there was an actual word for it. I thought I was just weak and stupid.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Bad Blogger

I am a bad blogger and that bothers me because I really get a lot of pleasure out of it and I find it helps me to organize all of the troublesome thoughts that bog down my barely functioning brain. This first thing I do in the morning when I sign on to my computer at work is read all of the blogs I follow (can you say "theft of service"?? LOL) When a fellow blogger leaves me a comment they are usually very insightful and helpful and I feel like a part of something and that maybe someone out there does care.

I am feeling incredibly sleep deprived. I have started taking antidepressants a few weeks ago, and although they are starting to help with some of the anxiety, I still can not sleep. I still wake up in a complete panic every night at around 3 am and can not clear my mind and fall back to sleep. This has been going on for weeks and weeks and it is really starting to show.

The prince has been doing well. We went on a cruise out of San Juan a few weeks ago. I was a nervous wreck about the possibility of him getting his hands on some alcohol or worse. I was quite pleased when we boarded the ship to see a sign stating that as of July 31st you had to be 21 to drink on board with proper id at all times. This brought me tremendous relief as it was damn near impossible for the kid to get his hands on anything. It was the first bit of freedom he has had since starting his program. He checked in just abut every two hours and I believe he was sober the entire trip. The last night he may have managed to get his hands on some alcohol but I wisely went to bed before he did so I don't know for sure. I couldn't deal with any drama. I know that is a bad thing, but it was a great relaxing week and I didn't want to ruin it.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Who knows?

The evening of my last post was a mess. I picked him up from the bus and he immediately started badgering me about seeing the girlfriend. I told him it wasn't going to happen for a few days and he needs to stop asking and to start focusing on his program and his desire to stay sober, and stop concerning himself with the girlfriend right now. Then he started pissing and moaning about wanting his internet back. I could see he was getting riled up and I knew that it was going to be a wild bad night with him so I called my parents and had them come pick up my younger son as I can not subject him to another night of hell. Then I called my shrink and begged him to see me that it was an emergency. There was some drama between the prince and his father. Like I said, he was in a bad mood and looking to fight. His girlfriend pulls up to the house with some friends and the prince walks over to the car and talks to them for a minute and then walks back to the house with a white paper bag in his hands. We were sitting on the porch and asked to see what was in the bag. He knows this is the protocol. He got snippy and had a nasty sneer on his face and said it was Georgi Vodka, but he wouldn't show it to us. Now his Dad gets up and blocks his way into the house and wont let him pass till he gives up the bag. They are in each others faces and kind of chest butting each other and both of them are screaming to me to call the cops because they each felt the other was assaulting them. Finally his Dad knocks the bag out of his hand to the ground and out pops an ice cream sundae from Coldstone. I mean, WTF, why couldn't he just tell us that? So much drama.....

So my parents are now hysterical, they want me and my younger son out of the house and they take the little one and my mom comes with me to the shrink and I was going to drive her home afterwards and then go home after I cooled down. I have barely driven down the block when my cell rings and it is the prince screaming at me, demanding to know why I left him home alone with his father. I said I was going to see my therapist and I would be home in an hour or so. He got belligerent and didn't believe me because he saw my mom get in my car. He thought I was leaving. So 5 minutes later my husband calls me and says the prince packed a bag and took off. Just F-ing great. So I told him he needed to call the police and report him and then to call his father to help buffer if they bring him home that I couldn't deal another minute and F it, I was going home with my mom and was going to sleep there with my little guy.

I went to the shrink and discussed my options as to what I could do if he didn't come home and how I could get him back into his program if he refused and as always he was great and gave me solid advice. I went back to my parents house and called his program and let them know he took off again and that we filed a report with the police.

A few hours later, the prince called me and told me he was "safe", and that he would be home sometime the next day. No f-ing way was I going down that road again, so I told him that was completely unacceptable and his options were limited. He could go home right now or he call his grandfather to pick him up and he could stay there over night or he would be setting something into motion that would end up unpleasant for all of us, meaning I call the PO the next morning, pushed he PINS into place and he goes before a judge and risks being sent to residential. He told me he would think about it. He sounded sober. (thank god)

Another few hours pass and he calls me back saying his grandfather is picking him and he will spend the night there but that he wasn't going to the program in the morning because he was tired. I again told him, either you go or I do what I have to do. I agreed that he could go in late and that we would meet him there at around 3 for a crisis meeting.

At the meeting he was nasty and belligerent again, refusing to sign a behaviour agreement and pretty much saying he was not coming back. I was sick. He slept the whole ride home and went to his room when we got home and basically stayed there all night. I went in at around 9 to give him his meds and saw he was writing his essay. A good sign. Means he was going back.

It was a long week or two. He started up with the emotional blackmail again, telling me if he didn't get his internet back he would relapse again. I refused to give in to it. I refuse to accept responsibility for his sobriety any longer. I cant make him not use.

On a positive note, his drug screens were clean, so at least when he took off he didn't use. I really thought he would. He seems to be back on track again. Calming down and accepting that he is back on grounding. He gives me attitude but in smaller doses and I am trying to not let it send me over the edge. Last week I thought I was having a breakdown. For real. Serious scary anxiety attacks that were crippling me. I called my regular MD and he managed to fit me in. He put me on some antidepressants which I have been resisting for months. But I think it is starting to help. He also prescribed a xanax type of pill that I can take if it is really bad, but again, Im a little afraid to take that.

Thanks for all of the words of encouragement and I appreciate any advice or thoughts any one out there has.....

Peace to you and yours.