Thursday, June 26, 2008

Leave, but don't leave me...

The weekend after I buried my Father, was also the last weekend the Prince was living home with me. He is still drug free, we still speak to each other almost daily, and I still see him often. It is just that we aren't meant to live together. As sad as that makes me.

Being a drug addict, mind you a drug addict who is not currently using, the Prince has long ago mastered the art of manipulation and bullying as a tactic to getting his way. He loves to play the victim, make it all about him.

He very quickly got very comfortable living at my house. Part of the arrangement was he was to secure some kind of employment. He has yet to do so. So I was supporting him and his girlfriend. They would leave me shopping lists of the foods they wanted, they were ordering movies daily off of the pay per view. I was paying for their cigarettes. His sobriety is always so important to me and I felt I was doing what I had to do to keep him clean. Right back to the old enabling ways.

When they first moved in, they made sure to have the house clean before I arrived home from work and to at least start dinner and help La Petit with his homework. The clean house thing is a serious pet peeve of mine. Its my house, I work hard, I like, no I demand it to be kept the way I leave it. So I started coming home to a sink full of dishes, computer wires etc., running through the house, overflowing ashtrays, their room just disgusting and smelly. I was started to really loose it, and it was creating a lot of tension. Especially since he was not looking for work, the only interviews he had gone on, were ones I set up for him. The girlfriend managed to find herself a part time gig at a local supermarket.

The day after my Father passed, to go the funeral parlour to make the arrangements for his wake, my former mother in law was taking my boys shopping to get suits. This created a conflict about who was going to pick up the girlfriend from her job at 4 pm. This healthy, 18 year old girl is apparently unwilling or unable to walk the 2 miles from the supermarket to our home or inconvenience her own family to pick her up. My son called me furious that I had the audacity to be at the funeral parlour and was therefore unavailable to play chauffeur to his girlfriend.

Later in the week, during the wake etc., my Prince had reconnected with alot of his cousins he hadn't seen during all of the years he was out getting high. He started making plans to get together with alot of them. The day after my fathers burial, I was very, very happy to have the out of town relatives, etc., pack up and go home. I am basically a quiet person, I needed my space and quiet. Time alone to work through my feelings and my loss. The Prince tells me his cousin from the East end was going to be coming out and spending the weekend. I told him, no, that was going to happen, this was not a family reunion. He was not going to use my father's death to throw a party for his long lost cousins. He got angry with me. Whatever. So I asked him if he could spend the weekend at his girlfriends house just so I could have some peace. They grudgingly obliged. He stopped in over the weekend to pick up some clothes and he saw that La Petit was home, he was somehow under the impression that he would not be "allowed" in the house for the weekend either. He flipped out and said, "I'll see you in a few months" and stormed out of the house.

I was deeply hurt by his behavior. He was just so hurtful and mean to me. I couldn't believe it. I felt as though I was punched in the face. The old Prince, although clean, was rearing his ugly head. I wish I could say that I miss him living with me, but when he is there, there is no peace or serenity. And I worked too hard to have that in my home.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Well it's my birthday too...

Happy Birthday to me.

Today I turn 40 years old.

Is that really possible?

My eyes are open, and I am ready to move forward.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Never be down, I said don't ever, cause its gonna keep 'em hanging around...

Apologies to anyone who is still reading my blog for my complete slacking off in posting. There has just been too much going on, too many emotions to sort out, too much life getting in the way with life, you know?

First off, thank you for all of your kind words of support and sympathy for the loss of my Father. I am taking it one day at a time and trying to work through my feelings and grief. I am quite sure I am supressing my feelings, because while I often feel sad, it has not completely sunk in that I will never see my Dad again, it is as though he is still in a nursing home or a hospital somewhere and I will get to see him this weekend. Only he is not, and I will not.

I was going to update on all of the things going on for me in this post, but I think I will stick with where I started. I would like to share with you some of the things I learned when I lost my father.

--> Its true when they say you really do not know who your friends are until a tragedy strikes. I have come to realize there are people in my life that I thought would alwasys be there because we have "history", we go back a long way, etc. Well, they call, they show up at the appropriate time and place, but that doesnt mean they are "there" for you.

--> It is also true that there are some friends who will just blow you away with their loyalty and love for you. People who you would not expect to be bothered, show up and become the Rockstars. It is those friends and people in my life that I am grateful for.

--> Family, {{sigh}} Can't pick 'em, can't kill 'em. My brother could not be bothered to come to the funeral home with us to choose th casket and make the arrangements. He was not feeling "well" and it was just too uncomfortable for him. Cause really, I mean, can you even think of a better way to send the first Saturday in June????

--> My brother also sat in the Widows Chair at the wake, like the Godfather himself waiting for the visitors to come forward and kiss his ring. I mean seriously. We are Irish for Petes sake!

--> He then spent the time in between the wakes harassing my mother about when he would be receiving all of my father's jewelry. Harassing her to the point of bringing her to tears. I am still just beyond upset about this and have come to realize that my brother and I will never have a relationship of any kind, especially once my mother passes. He is just disgusting as far as I am concerned. My mother also offered to give him $2,000 from the insurance settlement. His response? "Is that all?" Did you ever???

I can actually go on and on with stories about that week, but it is really upsetting me more than I thought and I just don't want to go there.

I hope you are all well and sober and healthy.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Praying for the healing rain, to restore my soul again...

Last Friday, May 30, 2008 at approximately 2:25 in the afternoon,

my Father left this world for the next one.

I will miss him more than I can ever express in words.