Thursday, August 30, 2007

Your not in love with someone else, you don't even love yourself...

La Petit finished summer camp last week so this week has involved bouncing him around to various friends and relatives to cover him while I am at work. Last night he slept over his grandparents house and will stay there again tonight. AH and I got home from work at approximately the same time. Financially, this has been a very bad month for us. In fact we are completely broke until payday tomorrow.

We sat on the deck for a little while as it was a lovely night. He then told me that he had received a few calls from my brother and another friend of ours, recently divorced, and they were all at a restaurant/bar/club on the water having some drinks and they had wanted him to go. He could not based on the weeks financial situation. But he wanted to, I could tell, and it got me to thinking about divorced dads. The three men, having the luxury on a Wednesday afternoon to jump on their boats and go to a club and slam beer and pick up women. While the divorced moms are home with their children, prepping for back to school next week, labeling notebooks, pens, etc. I am not saying that this is the case with divorced dads universally, but it seems to be the case in our little circle.

It occurred to me in a few short months, if all goes well with the sale of my home, (the contracts have yet to be signed by the buyers and this is a bit concerning), that he will be among these divorced dads, out every night in the bars, picking up strange women. My inherent reaction is to be jealous, but my intellect tells me that this is not a life I want, I am not interested in another man who drinks. Yet, somewhere deep inside of me, this hurts. I am still very saddened that my marriage has failed. I do not believe it can be fixed. Not unless he chooses sobriety and that is not something he is interested in. And even if he did, I am still not sure we should be together. There is just too much painful history that would need to be overcome and he is incapable of communication. He is angry, I am bitter. Life will be better for La Petit and I on our own.

I was not expecting this process to be so painful. I did not expect to have such mixed feelings. I know alot of it is my insecurity, and this dreaded feeling I have of being alone for the rest of my life, that I will never meet anyone and that he will move on very quickly. I still have to work through the hurt and he will not discuss these things to help me through it. In fact he has not even told me of what his plans are. He knows where we are moving, yet he say nothing about what will happen after the house is sold. I am reluctant to bring it up so as to not rock the boat, I hate fighting and it will start a fight and I am simply too exhausted to fight anymore.

Monday, August 27, 2007

We think we have the answers...

My blog, as most of my adult and probably much of my adolescent life, has been shaped by the addiction, alcoholism and substance abuse of those around me. As I am about to go through some life altering changes over the next few months, I am going to start focusing on my own recovery, and wherever that may take me, in both my life and my blog. This is long overdue in my life and without it, I fear I may lose myself all together and that is just unacceptable to me.

I recall writing in my profile in the early days of this blog that I would never give up, that I was going to go out kicking and screaming. Unfortunately, the real demons of living with this disease have managed to skew my thinking, allowed me to let my guard down and have made me weak and almost broken me. Almost. But not quite yet.

I need to do alot of soul searching. I need to learn who I am and who I want to be and how I want to live this next phase of my life. I need to stop shutting myself down and starting feeling what needs to be felt. I have to give up my resentments. I have to live with my choices, past, present and future. I need to become strong again and stop feeling sorry for myself and to stop expecting others to feel sorry for me too.

I know that alot of these issues will involve addiction, alcoholism, etc. But I am going to put the focus on me for a while and how I am going to gain serenity. I hope that those of you who still read me will continue to do so, even though the focus may change a bit and there will be less focus on my Prince and his journey.

Friday, August 24, 2007

I'm not myself and I don't know how...

Syd tagged me earlier this week and even though I have done this one before, I will do it again, since I am too emotionally exhausted to write a real post.

8 Things about me
1- I am a terrible money manager and I use shopping as a form of therapy and as a result I have acquired way too much debt and entirely too many pairs of shoes.
2- I no longer feel like I am pretty and this bothers me way too much.
3- I just had botox injected into my forehead. I love it and I want more.
4- I have no idea who I really am.
5- I wish every day that I was someone else or living someone elses life.
6- It breaks my heart that my children got screwed when it comes to their parents.
7- In spite of that, I really do believe in my heart that I am a good mother and have done and will continue to do the best that I could. I just wish someone else would acknowledge it once in a while to reinforce it for me.
8- There are a few people in my life that really do love me and I can usually count on them. I just need to learn to reach out when I need to and believe that I am worthy of love.
And that's it for today kids. Wishing you all a peaceful weekend filled with love and serenity as the summer winds down.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Their anger hurts my ears...

It has been a extremely eventful week. My house is sold. I made an offer on a two family house with my parents, and it was accepted, and my parents have accepted an offer on their home as well. It would seem that by sometime mid-November, I will be divorced, and living in a two family home with La Petit, my parents and myself, in a new neighborhood beginning a new life. I am frightened and excited.

I heard through the grapevine that AH is planning on moving into Queens, which is about 35 miles or so from where we are moving. It seems that taking an active, continuous, and involved role in the lives of his boys, is simply not on his agenda. I do not know why I am letting this bother me so much. His living arrangements are being influenced by his own needs and convenience. My living arrangements are being influenced by the needs of my children and my parents. Ideally, this is not what I would like to be doing. I am going to be forty years old and I am going to move in with my parents. I am going to be a single woman. Way to score a love life with mom and dad living below me. I would love to move closer to my job to cut out some of my commuting time, but it would be unfair of me to do that to La Petit, to move him where he doesn't know a soul, 30 miles away from his friends and family. So I am making the sacrifice. As I always do. I am taking one for the team.

I am starting to feel like I am the one who is always making the sacrifices. That there will never be a time just for me. AH gets to drop what little responsibility he has, and rent a cheap apartment to keep his expenses down and I have to be the responsible one to buy a home in a solid neighborhood with good schools and strap myself financially. And LP is the one who has to suffer for it. I fear he will start to develop abandonment issues. First the Prince left and now his Dad. If I felt confident that AH would stay involved in his life I would not be so worried. But when a boy loses all of the men in his life to alcoholism, addiction and divorce, what is this setting him up for in the future?

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Friends.... how many of us have them?

Although I have never been officially invited to particpate in HNT, today I am crashing....

The Tabster and I on the lovely English Bay....

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

These eyes, a cold and vacant stare...

I am back in my office this morning, still feeling fatigued, but the jet lag slowly subsiding. I did not sleep well last night at all, but did not toss and turn and wake to the horrific nightmares I have been having lately. This is something that has happened to me my entire life. When I am ill or under a great deal of stress, I have terrible, frightening nightmares.

I am harbouring so much resentment against AH that it raises my blood pressure. Upon arriving at the airport on the first day of our trip, my luggage was lost. Three pieces: two of mine and one carrying all of La Petits clothing. I totally started to lose it. Now, I know this is not the end of the world, but I was wearing shorts and a tank top, and I was going to Alaska. The hundred dollar credit the airline was offering me as a consolation was not going to cut it. I resigned myself to find a store just to buy a toothbrush and a pair of jeans to wear and hope for the best that it would turn up later in the day. As we were leaving the airport, AH, a heavy smoker who had not smoked a cigarette in over 8 hours was getting super cranky, and the porter helping us with our luggage suggested we take one more quick trip around the carousel before exiting the airport. Well AH was basically like, Nope. We have looked, it isn't here, give it a rest, you are over reacting as usual. This just set the tone for the vacation. I lost it, started crying my eyes out and as a result, La Petit followed suit. AH was completely indifferent as usual. The luggage situation worked itself out, and it was located before we got into a cab on the way to our hotel. The point being, he just didn't give a sh*t how I felt, this was the first of many nasty fights we had over the vacation.

It is important to mention that my family pays the bill for the entire trip. These trips do not cost this man a penny out of his pocket with the exception of his bar bill (which is normally quite expensive as you can imagine) and any excursions or shopping we do on the trip. We travel in luxury, large beautiful suites on the ship, etc. Later in the week we got into another huge argument in front of my whole family and I stormed back to our suite. He comes in a few minutes later to continue the fight and we basically get down to how we both want out of the marriage in a big way and then I was even more enraged, questioning how dare he allow my family to pay for his vacation when he clearly does not wish to be a part of it anymore.

I know there will be a grieving process for the relationship, and I am no longer kidding myself that it will be a nice warm and fuzzy amicable divorce. He is becoming more and more obnoxious and distancing himself even further away from his children. I know he is in full active alcoholism right now, and that I can not help or save him or make him into the father I want him to be, but the resentment is eating me alive. I can go on and on about the comments and actions he has made over the last week or so where he clearly doesn't want to do anything with his son. If it is me he doesn't care to spend time with he should put it out there, and not hold it against La Petit. Then, when LP acts really clingy and wont leave my side, he blames me for babying him and not cutting the cord.

I am filled with such mixed feelings and remorse towards this man. I look back to our beginnings and see the pattern that became our life and his ability to stay just slightly outside of us, never quite being one of us. And I wonder was there something I could have done different? Did I keep him at bay? Push him away? Did I like that he was a stranger in our lives? And why the F has he stayed in it???

Monday, August 13, 2007

Snap back to reality...

Hello to all my blogger buddies out there. I arrived back in NY yesterday after a nice long relaxing vacation with my family. Quite possibly the best part of that vacation was the wonderful experience of meeting my blogger buddy Tab on the first night of my trip. She is every bit as wonderful and beautiful in person as she appears in her blog. I will share more about our visit with her permission later this week.

We took a week long cruise to Alaska andit was COLD but the scenery was breathtaking. If there was ever a doubt in my mind that God exists, it is long gone now. No other power in this universe could be capable of creating such beauty and serenity.

I am super jet lagged and tired to the point that I didn't even make it back to my office today. I am not unpacked, I am basically a disaster and I feel a serious depression setting in. Alot of changes are underway in my world, but more on that later this week when I am up to it. I just wanted to check in and send out some love to all my blogger peeps and let you know I didn't drop off the face of the Earth. Hope you are all well.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

So, I'd settle for one day to believe in you...

Yesterday I was feeling so tired, depressed and overwhelmed with life that I had to call in sick and climb back into bed for a few hours. This is not necessarily a complete digression from my norm, I just need to do this once in a while to catch up with myself.

I am still feeling quite depressed. I continue to feel disappointed and let down by those around me, and I find it ridiculous that I still let these same transgressions get to me time and time again.

My mother in law stopped by for a visit yesterday after she dropped the Prince off at a friends house in our town. She told me she found empty beer bottles in the Princes room and he has come home smelling like alcohol a few times in the last week. Smelling of alcohol but not visibly intoxicated. She did not tell his grandfather this because it will possibly mean he will be asked to find a new place to live if he finds out. She feels that maybe he can learn to control his drinking and just drink socially now. I had to bite down on my lip to stifle the laugh that was growing from deep within me. YEAH RIGHT. I tried, yet again, to explain that the Prince is a master of manipulation and she is enabling him by not calling him out on it and allowing it to continue in her home and that when this progresses and I know it will, how is she going to feel.

She replied with, well he is going to an NA meeting once a week. I told her once a week does not a program make especially since he refuses to work steps, get a sponsor, and embrace sobriety. She is incredibly naive and I will feel bad for her when the shit hits with the Prince, cause I can see it coming. But for the first time in a long time, I am able to function in spite of this knowledge. I think as far as his disease is concerned, I am letting go just a little bit more each day. Maybe it is because I do not see him or speak to him very often these days. Or maybe I am finally giving him the space and dignity he needs from me to fail or succeed. Maybe I am starting to believe in him just a little bit that he will one day get it.

In other ancient history news, the Italian's GF continues the harassment. It is actually becoming quite comical. Last night, my doorbell rang at around 9:30. It was a pizza delivery man with a couple of pies that I did not order. I mean c'mon... sending pizza? Is this the best she's got?? At least be original and send a bucket of chicken. I tipped the kid a few bucks so as to not screw him and called the pizza place and they gave me her # off of the caller ID so I know it was she who sent them. Sloppy work on top of unoriginal.

As some of you may have read over by the Tabster... Friday begins my vacation with a quick stopover in Tabbies neck of the woods where we will have the chance to meet in real life and share a few smiles, laughs and of course lattes. What a beautiful thing this blogsphere is isn't it???