Thursday, August 30, 2007

Your not in love with someone else, you don't even love yourself...

La Petit finished summer camp last week so this week has involved bouncing him around to various friends and relatives to cover him while I am at work. Last night he slept over his grandparents house and will stay there again tonight. AH and I got home from work at approximately the same time. Financially, this has been a very bad month for us. In fact we are completely broke until payday tomorrow.

We sat on the deck for a little while as it was a lovely night. He then told me that he had received a few calls from my brother and another friend of ours, recently divorced, and they were all at a restaurant/bar/club on the water having some drinks and they had wanted him to go. He could not based on the weeks financial situation. But he wanted to, I could tell, and it got me to thinking about divorced dads. The three men, having the luxury on a Wednesday afternoon to jump on their boats and go to a club and slam beer and pick up women. While the divorced moms are home with their children, prepping for back to school next week, labeling notebooks, pens, etc. I am not saying that this is the case with divorced dads universally, but it seems to be the case in our little circle.

It occurred to me in a few short months, if all goes well with the sale of my home, (the contracts have yet to be signed by the buyers and this is a bit concerning), that he will be among these divorced dads, out every night in the bars, picking up strange women. My inherent reaction is to be jealous, but my intellect tells me that this is not a life I want, I am not interested in another man who drinks. Yet, somewhere deep inside of me, this hurts. I am still very saddened that my marriage has failed. I do not believe it can be fixed. Not unless he chooses sobriety and that is not something he is interested in. And even if he did, I am still not sure we should be together. There is just too much painful history that would need to be overcome and he is incapable of communication. He is angry, I am bitter. Life will be better for La Petit and I on our own.

I was not expecting this process to be so painful. I did not expect to have such mixed feelings. I know alot of it is my insecurity, and this dreaded feeling I have of being alone for the rest of my life, that I will never meet anyone and that he will move on very quickly. I still have to work through the hurt and he will not discuss these things to help me through it. In fact he has not even told me of what his plans are. He knows where we are moving, yet he say nothing about what will happen after the house is sold. I am reluctant to bring it up so as to not rock the boat, I hate fighting and it will start a fight and I am simply too exhausted to fight anymore.

9 comments:

bub said...

Glad I found your blog. Good luck with all the things that are going on in your life.

Syd said...

It is painful to think about a life together being over. I sometimes just wish that there weren't all the cumulative years that were so bad. Maybe then, we would have a chance to love each other in that special way again. I'm trying but it is so very hard to resurrect those old feelings from ashes.

Redhead Gal said...

Kel, I wish you luck and love on your new journey. It will all work out the way it's supposed to in the end.

Tab said...

These feelings are all part of your new journey in exploring the amazing woman behind these peoples lives.You are now stepping into your own and those people you love and loathe,well,it is only natural the feelings need to be dealt with from within you so you can move on.
It does take time but may find it won't always be so painful my friend Kel.
I think you are a beautiful human.
Thank you for sharing.
xo

Cookie M. said...

I'm so glad that I have found another Al-Anoners blog!! I look forward to reading more of your blog. Hang in there your not a failure!!

~CookieM

Namenlosen Trinker said...

Regarding the divorced men luxuriating vs. the divorced moms at home: No, it's not universal, but it's far more widespread than just your little circle. I see it all the time. It ain't fair. But as one friend of mine says, "Of course, life isn't fair; if it were fair, it would be called fair, not life!"

~e~ said...

I stumbled across your blog and this post touched me. That insecurity of not finding someone who is right for you is just that. Insecurity. I felt the same way when I knew it was time to go (albeit not for the same reason). 9 years later I am with my perfect mate (4 years now). It wasn't until I had truly figured out 'me' and what I needed/wanted and wasn't willing to settle. After 5 happy single years, I am with my best friend. We live, work and love together every day, even if at times we want to strangle one another. That's normal. And that thing about divorced men; it's true in many cases, but not all. And you just can't spend too much time worrying on that. Believe and it will happen. Happiness, I mean...

vicariousrising said...

Hi Kel. I haven't been able to participate much in the blog world in the past month, but I've thought of you often. You know, as sad as this post is, I think it holds a lot of maturity. You've come a long way. Just keep looking, and I think you'll see there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just know that this blogging buddy is there with you in that tunnel. I believe in you.

Just keep trudging.

Tab said...

Just stopping by to drop you off a bundle of love n hugs..xo Tab