Monday, August 27, 2007

We think we have the answers...

My blog, as most of my adult and probably much of my adolescent life, has been shaped by the addiction, alcoholism and substance abuse of those around me. As I am about to go through some life altering changes over the next few months, I am going to start focusing on my own recovery, and wherever that may take me, in both my life and my blog. This is long overdue in my life and without it, I fear I may lose myself all together and that is just unacceptable to me.

I recall writing in my profile in the early days of this blog that I would never give up, that I was going to go out kicking and screaming. Unfortunately, the real demons of living with this disease have managed to skew my thinking, allowed me to let my guard down and have made me weak and almost broken me. Almost. But not quite yet.

I need to do alot of soul searching. I need to learn who I am and who I want to be and how I want to live this next phase of my life. I need to stop shutting myself down and starting feeling what needs to be felt. I have to give up my resentments. I have to live with my choices, past, present and future. I need to become strong again and stop feeling sorry for myself and to stop expecting others to feel sorry for me too.

I know that alot of these issues will involve addiction, alcoholism, etc. But I am going to put the focus on me for a while and how I am going to gain serenity. I hope that those of you who still read me will continue to do so, even though the focus may change a bit and there will be less focus on my Prince and his journey.

9 comments:

Krista said...

I can't wait to stalk you!! Thanks for your comment and support the other day.

Bryan said...

I sit with anticipation in reading your next writing. I have just recently found you and am breathing fresh air for the first time. I bow to your brutal honesty.

Tab said...

Kel-Welcome to the begining of a whole new adventure along your journey in letting go.You will never ever give up Kel..parish such a phase..what we do do though is surrender after exhausting ourselves in trying to change the things-we never could..etc.
Your journey has been an inspiring one to follow and I love you all the more for it my friend.
Stay true to you and watch how it will transform so much of yesterdays pain into tomorrows courage and serenity.As for today,
you just do your best to stay in it :)
Tab xo

Tab said...

PS>I look forwards to reading more about YOU :)
xo

Beth said...

Good for you! I will be here.

Syd said...

I'm glad that you wrote what you did. It indicates that you are moving forward with your recovery. Keeping the focus on yourself is important although very hard at times. You have a lot of courage.

Trudging said...

...waiting for the applause to die down.

You are absolutely right! All any of us(AA, Alanon or whatever)is focus on our own recovery. We can never recover for someone eles no matter how much we love them. It sucks but, it is true.

Scott said...

the great thing is, yea ya gotta do all this stuff you listed but only just for today, and NEVER alone!

God Bless

Tab said...

Hey Kel..just a note to say Hi :)
xo