Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Sometimes you are better lost than unseen...

Honestly. I didn't do this. It isn't my fault so why must I be the one who suffers so terribly?  This really can't be it... How then possibly was I sovery-prophetic  when I started this?

And I sent love to the moon....

The moment was shortly after Daniel graduated high school; a year after he was supposed to.  I was spending the weekend with a man that I clearly should not have been spending the weekend with.  There seemed to always be so much drama surrounding Daniel at the time and in my own life as well.  I guess, truth be told I was following my normal path of self destruction, and running away from my life and reality.  We were sitting riverside and he had made me a beautiful county style breakfast when he called.  I was exhausted. Overwhelmed with the current circumstances of my own life and I let the call go to voicemail.  He called again, I tried to answer, but the call dropped and I blamed it on the rural area I was in and didn't give it much thought until a bit later when I received an urgent text message from him begging me to call him as he was in trouble.   Finally when what was left of my maternal instincts kicked in and I found a place where I had decent cell service and finally reached him.  He picked up the phone in tears, calling me mommy and telling me the worst thing had happened.

Every single hair on my body stood up on its end, as I naturally assumed the worst and assumed someone else had died.  He finally calmed down enough to tell me his girlfriend was pregnant and he didn't know what to do.  I tried to calm him down and explain to him that I was three hours away and would leave ASAP and would be home to help.  He was scared.  He was desperate,  she didn't want to keep the baby, as she was only 17 years old, and he wanted to keep it.  He begged me for help because she couldn't tell her parents and she was angry at him and blaming him and telling him he needed to call me and figure it all out.  He didn't want to tell his father as he had consistently and repeatedly lectured him on the importance of birth control.  My heart was broken.  My baby was hurting and I realized for the first time since we buried his brother that I needed to step up and be Daniels mother again.

I promised I would be there and would support any decision they made.  And I did.  I spoke with his gf at length, with kindness, and understanding. We all sat down together.  We were so honest with each other.  I shared with them both the painful decision I had made when I was at a similar age to terminate an unwanted pregnancy, and the after effects of that decision.  I believe we collectively and thoughtfully came to the painful decision of terminating the pregnancy.   Please do. It think this was a decision we came to lightly, but one that was in the  best interest of them both. We went through this ordeal as a family, every moment of it, and although it was horrific, we did manage to come through it stronger. We were all so very sad and vulnerable and we spent a solid week together helping her though the situation, physically, mentally and emotionally.   While I wouldn't recommend d it as a bonding tool, and I am not proud of what we had to do, it brae minded me that I was still Daniels mother and he still needed and counted on me and the end of the day I was able to be there for him, and we were able to grow in our relationship and forgive each other for the sadness the precluded this sad time.