Wednesday, May 10, 2006

The mistakes I've made

It has been a while since I have last posted, exactly a month I think. Not that anyone seems to care or read this but I have to remember I am doing this for me. The prince has been in his new day treatment program for 3 weeks now. The program usually lasts anywhere from 9-14 months to complete. My hope is that he will stay in it until June 2007 and will graduate High School from there. He is doing well. Seems to be clean for the last few weeks. He looks good, his eyes are clear, and I forgot how beautiful they are. His appetite is amazing and I think he has gained back most of the 30-40 lbs he lost while he was getting high.

Its a tough program for the family to manage. He isnt allowed out. He isnt allowed any visitors. No internet or instant messaging. He has to wear shirts with a collar on them, no hats, hoodies, overly baggie jeans or white sneakers. He is not allowed to speak to or have any contact with any of his drug using friends, which is all of his friends. He gets really sad and moody and depressed. More often than not when I get hoe from work, he is laying in bed curled into a fetal position depressed and asleep. My maternal instinct is to do something to take away his pain. But the new me has learned that he must learn how to deal with and actually FEEL his feelings and emotions without the aid of mind altering substances or alcohol. It is so easy to believe he is cured and better now and to let him back into the world. It seems like a distant memory how horrible and scary our lives were just 4 short weeks ago. I have to remind myself and him that it took years to get to this ugly place called addiction and it will take a lot longer than 3 weeks to get out of it. It will be a lifetime battle. It scares me.

I have made so many mistakes as a mother and as a person. I need to find the stregnth to break the cycle and start taking steps to make these things right again and to not repeat them.