Wednesday, February 20, 2008

He wants me, if he can keep me in line...

I have been trying to find the words to begin this post for well over an hour already. Let me start by saying, I am breaking the silence.

This is the part where y'all get to tell me "I told you so". Since I first posted about my being back in the relationship with new guy there have been a few instances of violence, the details of which, I will spare you all. None of these provoked by me or instigated by me; which being the intelligent, educated women I am, I know that you never deserve abuse. But still, the other instances I can not say for sure whether or not I hit first.

New Guy had pretty much managed to move into my house unofficially. Meaning, I never invited him to, never gave him a key, and he does not contribute financially to the home. Yet, he still managed to slowly move himself in, a bag of clothes at a time, taking over some closet space, etc. I knew it, I saw it, I was sometimes OK with it and sometimes a little put off by it. So after the episodes of violence, I let go until he would calm down and then I could find a way to get him out of the house and out of my life. I know, I know, Break the Silence, call the police, have him arrested, get support from my friends and family, etc.

The fight that seemed to escalate the most was his issue with my soon to be ex-husband. He has been wanting me to call him and tell him how much I despise him and how I wasted my life with him and how bad the sex was, etc., etc., etc. Yesterday would have been my 19th wedding anniversary. I have no regrets in leaving my husband. I do not love him now and I haven't in a very long time. However, I am an adult, and I truly do not feel the need to call this man and act like a teenager and tell him how much I hate him. In fact, I really do not even hate him any longer, he is just that guy that I used to be married to. I feel nothing for him. We have children together. Granted it is not a "friendly" divorce. We do not speak, and when we do, it is quick and cold and usually involves something to do with money or my son. I have taken to keeping these conversations a secret from NG. Which is seriously ridiculous. Seriously.

Yesterday, I read Judiths comment to my Valentines Day post and it really struck a cord. I often feel the same way and have told that to NG about how nice it is to get flowers for no apparent reason especially for a freaking Hallmark holiday. Last night, NW brought me home flowers after work. For no apparent reason. We went to see my dad at the nursing home and then went out for a quick bite to eat. During dinner, his daughter called asking to be picked up from her mothers house, because there was alot of fighting and drama going on and she just wanted to come "home".

Trying to keep a long story short, during the drive to pick up his daughter we got into an argument about my oldest dearest friend and her husband, whom we had spent some time with over the weekend. She is also my cousin. Her husband is kind of a jerk who can't seem to find himself, but he has a heart of gold. He is socially inept. We have this thing where we constanly pick on each other, but it is all in good fun, we make fat jokes at each other, remarks about wrinkles, looking old and ugly etc. It has ben going on for 16 years. Well, NG took offense to this and told me he was going to say something to said friends husband the next time we saw them. It escalated into a heated argument with him smashing his cell phone into my windshield and breaking it. We picked up his daughter and although he promised to keep his cool, he continued to scream and lash out and freak out on me, in front of his daughter.

When we arrived back at my house, I told him I thought it would be best if he took his daughter home and they didnt spend the night and we would continue the conversation tomorrow (today) when he was calmer and not in front of his daughter. Well, he wasn't leaving, and he swore to be calm... yeah right. I went to bed and he came in and started the fight up again. I ignored him completely, which just further enraged him. I tried to get out of the bed and leave the room, and he blocked my way and I knew the punches were going to fly. His daughter came running into the room about the time he started spitting in my face repeatedley and spewing profanities at me. I was able to get by and get my hands on the phone and called 911. He started pcaking his things at this point, but not before he tore down my closet organizers and thrashed my room once again. I was just happy and lucky to get him out of there without catching another beating.

The police came and they kept him calm and I filed a report. The breaking of the windshield occured in a different county so if I want to pursue that I will have to file with that county today. I could have had him arrested, but his daughter would have ended up with social services and I just couldnt do that to her. The police informed me to file a report as soon as he leaves the first threatening voice mail and he will be immediately arrested. I can then file for an order of protection. He called my house this morning and left a message saying he left some of his stuff and he "accidentally" took some of my stuff and we needed to get it straight. I havent heard from him since, but it is only a matter of time before the threats start coming in.

I know I need to be free of this man. I know I deserve better. I do not lack self esteem (or maybe I do?) I just love him when the times are good and I now realize he is never going to change and he is crazy and dangerous and he will kill me someday. I do not want to be another statistic. I can not change him. I just know he will move on quickly and back to his ex girlfriend and that will hurt. Why does this bother me? Why do I care what this madman does? The sooner he moves on the safer I will be. Why am I already missing him? How exactly do I recover from this?

Ok. Breaking the silence. 'nuff said.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

All of her lovers, all talk of her notes, and the flowers that never sent...

I have always found Valentines Day to be the cruelest of holidays. Especially to those who were in bad and unhappy relationships (present company included), alone, and not by choice; widowed; or in current situation my Mom finds herself in, spending each day after work sitting by my Daddy's hospital bedside watching him slowly, painfully and miserably die. After having spent your day at work, sitting at your desk watching the flowers and chocolates being delivered to the other ladies in your office and feeling inadequate or unloved or just plain sad, and having to endure hearing their plans for romatic candlelight dinners out. I just find it so mean and hurtful.

This year, I was the recipient of the dozen long stemmed roses delivered to my job. I was horrified. I know I should have felt loved, appreciated and special, but I did not. It just made me feel like I was throwing my "good fortune" of being with a man who is willing to shell out a hundred bucks for flowers that will be dead by Monday in the faces of others who lack the same so-called good fortune.

I am a very private person. I do not share much with my co-workers and I have very few friends left. My peers do not know I am seeing someone and that is the way I prefer it. I felt like an idiot. I was surrounded by all the busy bodies wanting to know about the new beau. As if they are entitled to know my personal business simply by virtue of sharing the same office space 40 plus hours a week and our paychecks being signed by the same accountant. It was incredibly uncomfortable and awkward for me. I know, I know, I seem to lack the warm and fuzzy gene.

I am also aware that new guy sent these roses for exactly this reason. All part of the control issue. He does not agree with my philosophy that my private life is exactly that: MY PRIVATE LIFE. I do not feel compelled to announce from the rooftops that I am in a relationship. I do not want to be the girl at work who makes the other girls feel badly because they did not get flowers. Maybe I am overreacting. But still. I think I have PMS.

Hope all my friends out there are feeling some love today, but even if you are not, please know, that I love and appreciate all of you so much for being exactly who you are.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Never speak a word again, I will crawl away for good..

I received a call this morning from the Prince's former High School, who has wronged him as much as he has wronged himself the last few years. Since he did not have enough credits to graduate this year, after much ado, the District agreed to offer him home instruction to complete his last few classes.

His former "alternative/special ed" teacher offered to tutor him. Essentially, meaning she would collect her hourly rate of $70 something an hour, for 8 plus hours a week, and actually only tutor him an average of 45 minutes a week. Raping the school district and robbing my son of the education he is entitled to. Whatever. I was too broken and beaten down to fight it. The Prince didnt seem to care either way, he just wanted his diploma without investing any effort into it whatsoever. His typical MO. He fought me when I objected to this arrangement, his grandmother seemed on board as well, so I backed down. How many times am I going to keep allowing this kid to bully and upset me.

As of January, he now supposedly has enough credit to graduate. Mind you, I am confident he in incapable of doing even the most basic math, or identifying a noun or verb in a simple sentence, but according to the district he is now just about entitled to a diploma. All he needs to do is complete a little packet and have his former employee sign off on it stating he worked 300 hours over the summer and they will grant him his final business credit.

I have called my son repeatedly the last few weeks telling him he needs to deal with this and he just keeps blowing me off, and yes-ing me to death and telling me he will take care of it when he gets around to it. When he gets around to it? He doesn't have a job, he doesn'g go to school, he doesn't do a bloody thing except sit around and screw his girlfriend, drink and get high.

The phone call this morning was in regard to an "exit" meeting scheduled for tomorrow to removed his IEP and essentially take him off the roster from the district. Only problem is, they can not move forward until they receive this paperwork providing proof that he worked enough hours to be entitled to the internship credit. The last thing he needs. At 2:30 this afternoon, I am finally able to reach him on the telephone, and he is still sound asleep. I ask him what he is still doing in bed at this hour and he said he is tired. I asked if he was working yet, and he responded no, he was not. I then asked if he was not working, why exactly was he so tired that he needed to be asleep at almost 3 in the afternoon. He informed me he was tired from staying up all night. I started to loose my temper and my cool at this point, getting a bit loud and asking him what exactly his plans were in the grand scheme here? To not work, to not care about an education, to not even bother to get a drivers license, to sponge off of his grandparents, to spend his nights high and drunk and to sleep all day? He responded that it was none of my business anyway and thats when I told him if thats how he felt, he could figure out how to get his diploma on his own and then I hung up on him. Way to be a good mother, Kel. Really showed him who the mature one is.

I then called the school back and told them he was being uncooperative with me and that I was washing my hands of the situation, and for them to communicate directly with him regarding this whole situation and gave them his phone number. When will the anger ever subside with this kid? When will I stop allowing his bad choices to upset me so much? When will I finally just accept that I didn't cause this, I can't control it, and I certainly can't cure it?