Thursday, February 14, 2008

All of her lovers, all talk of her notes, and the flowers that never sent...

I have always found Valentines Day to be the cruelest of holidays. Especially to those who were in bad and unhappy relationships (present company included), alone, and not by choice; widowed; or in current situation my Mom finds herself in, spending each day after work sitting by my Daddy's hospital bedside watching him slowly, painfully and miserably die. After having spent your day at work, sitting at your desk watching the flowers and chocolates being delivered to the other ladies in your office and feeling inadequate or unloved or just plain sad, and having to endure hearing their plans for romatic candlelight dinners out. I just find it so mean and hurtful.

This year, I was the recipient of the dozen long stemmed roses delivered to my job. I was horrified. I know I should have felt loved, appreciated and special, but I did not. It just made me feel like I was throwing my "good fortune" of being with a man who is willing to shell out a hundred bucks for flowers that will be dead by Monday in the faces of others who lack the same so-called good fortune.

I am a very private person. I do not share much with my co-workers and I have very few friends left. My peers do not know I am seeing someone and that is the way I prefer it. I felt like an idiot. I was surrounded by all the busy bodies wanting to know about the new beau. As if they are entitled to know my personal business simply by virtue of sharing the same office space 40 plus hours a week and our paychecks being signed by the same accountant. It was incredibly uncomfortable and awkward for me. I know, I know, I seem to lack the warm and fuzzy gene.

I am also aware that new guy sent these roses for exactly this reason. All part of the control issue. He does not agree with my philosophy that my private life is exactly that: MY PRIVATE LIFE. I do not feel compelled to announce from the rooftops that I am in a relationship. I do not want to be the girl at work who makes the other girls feel badly because they did not get flowers. Maybe I am overreacting. But still. I think I have PMS.

Hope all my friends out there are feeling some love today, but even if you are not, please know, that I love and appreciate all of you so much for being exactly who you are.


Tab said...

Ya of these days you are going to pass out from holding your breath so long in life woman.
I hear your frustrations but sometimes I worry you are holding yourself too responsible for other people in life..You are an awesome person for being by your Dads side,keeping a fulltime job and Mother on your own.
As for your private life,I don't blame you for being private - hence the title "private life".
But as your friend , I do hope you are careful not to do any more harm to that big heart of yours by putting up with a companion who does not treat you with the respect you so deserve.And make do mistake Ke,you DO deserve respect.
Now..the warm and fuzzy gene..damn woman..I have met you in person and you have a dynamite warm and fuzzy gene..You just need to be around the right peeps to let it out.Just say'in.
Now would you please keep in touch with me more often before I have to show up at your god damned door with two lattes and a limo!

Tab said...

..I think I am PMS'ing too..sorry about that

Misery Marketing said...

My wife fell asleep reading to our son and I didnt wake her up. I spent like 3 hours watching tv and playing guitar in my bed room. Thats what I think about Valentines this year.

Syd said...

I understand the desire for privacy. I also don't like attention heaped on me. But on the other hand, I think that it has to do with the deep down feeling that maybe I don't deserve attention. I hope you know that you deserve love and respect and honor.

vicariousrising said...

My sister loves getting flowers, especially for Valentine's Day. She is one of those women who thinks all is forgiven if a man gives her flowers. This includes one of her exes who threw her around.

For that reason, my husband has explicit instructions to NEVER get me cut flowers. To me, they seem like men trying to get out of jail free. If he wants to get me some sort of blooms, he can get me something to plant in the garden AND help me take care of it. That's romantic.

The warm fuzzy gene isn't something you buy in a store or gets pressed out of a cookie cutter. I'm pretty sure you have one.

Beth said...

your warm & fuzzy gene is there, it's in hibernation from all the crap you've been through. As you heal and move on, it'll start to come out again.

pat said...

You are over-thinking things here, Kel. However, I understand the office thing. I have seen flowers delivered to women at the hospital were I once worked for 20 years. What amazed me the most was how much it was staged. Many of these women "made" their respective SO send them there just to show off and make the statement that "they were so special". I too am private in my affairs and never needed to have "said" flowers delivered in such a public arena so all the girls could sway in awe. I prefer them at home sent unexpectedly and for the right reasons.And if you can't be kind to me on a daily basis, do not give me flowers because it means "shit" to me.

McMine and Take.... said...

I can fully appreciate your wish for a private life, it is no ones business, and dont let no one control you...take care, and drive on... you are strong also...

working mom NYC said...

Hey, Kel--
I didn't get much in the way of Valentine's booty this year - one vaguely racy email message, but no flowers or candy. I didn't really mind, though. My (soon-to-be) ex used to give me cheap candy and sometimes a rose. It meant absolutely nothing to me. I stopped giving him anything because he was never pleased with my gift. On the radio they were talking about how the ideal amount to spend on a Valentine's Day gift is around $200. Hah!
I think it's mostly a Hallmark & 1-800-Flowers marketing thing anyway. A heartfelt letter would mean more to me than almost anything I've ever gotten on V-Day.
This year I REALLY don't care - just happy not to be married to the bastard any more. It really is OK not to have any romantic love in my life right now, because it's always come with some unwelcome baggage. Some people are lucky in love - I never have been. I would rather have peace and self-acceptance. If I can get that, then maybe I won't pick a jerk when I get ready to start dating again. Now that would be a change of pattern!
Chin up - we'll get through this. I'm with Tab, though - you deserve better, hon!