I received a call this morning from the Prince's former High School, who has wronged him as much as he has wronged himself the last few years. Since he did not have enough credits to graduate this year, after much ado, the District agreed to offer him home instruction to complete his last few classes.
His former "alternative/special ed" teacher offered to tutor him. Essentially, meaning she would collect her hourly rate of $70 something an hour, for 8 plus hours a week, and actually only tutor him an average of 45 minutes a week. Raping the school district and robbing my son of the education he is entitled to. Whatever. I was too broken and beaten down to fight it. The Prince didnt seem to care either way, he just wanted his diploma without investing any effort into it whatsoever. His typical MO. He fought me when I objected to this arrangement, his grandmother seemed on board as well, so I backed down. How many times am I going to keep allowing this kid to bully and upset me.
As of January, he now supposedly has enough credit to graduate. Mind you, I am confident he in incapable of doing even the most basic math, or identifying a noun or verb in a simple sentence, but according to the district he is now just about entitled to a diploma. All he needs to do is complete a little packet and have his former employee sign off on it stating he worked 300 hours over the summer and they will grant him his final business credit.
I have called my son repeatedly the last few weeks telling him he needs to deal with this and he just keeps blowing me off, and yes-ing me to death and telling me he will take care of it when he gets around to it. When he gets around to it? He doesn't have a job, he doesn'g go to school, he doesn't do a bloody thing except sit around and screw his girlfriend, drink and get high.
The phone call this morning was in regard to an "exit" meeting scheduled for tomorrow to removed his IEP and essentially take him off the roster from the district. Only problem is, they can not move forward until they receive this paperwork providing proof that he worked enough hours to be entitled to the internship credit. The last thing he needs. At 2:30 this afternoon, I am finally able to reach him on the telephone, and he is still sound asleep. I ask him what he is still doing in bed at this hour and he said he is tired. I asked if he was working yet, and he responded no, he was not. I then asked if he was not working, why exactly was he so tired that he needed to be asleep at almost 3 in the afternoon. He informed me he was tired from staying up all night. I started to loose my temper and my cool at this point, getting a bit loud and asking him what exactly his plans were in the grand scheme here? To not work, to not care about an education, to not even bother to get a drivers license, to sponge off of his grandparents, to spend his nights high and drunk and to sleep all day? He responded that it was none of my business anyway and thats when I told him if thats how he felt, he could figure out how to get his diploma on his own and then I hung up on him. Way to be a good mother, Kel. Really showed him who the mature one is.
I then called the school back and told them he was being uncooperative with me and that I was washing my hands of the situation, and for them to communicate directly with him regarding this whole situation and gave them his phone number. When will the anger ever subside with this kid? When will I stop allowing his bad choices to upset me so much? When will I finally just accept that I didn't cause this, I can't control it, and I certainly can't cure it?
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Simple answer kel, it stops when you stop trying to control. Do not do for him what he is capable of doing himself. And I certainly do not mean "what he does not feel like doing". Sadly and I do not mean this in any disrespectful way, his grandparents are a bigger problem here because they enable him just as they enabled their own son, his father. They need as much help as your son does. Things will not change unless the people involved change too and that includes yourself. If the Prince wants a diploma, he should be the one going after it. Why are you doing all the leg work? Why is he not doing any of the leg work? Simple answer, he knows others will do for him what he does not feel like doing himself. Take it from me, the former enabling mother of an addict, the only thing that works is giving up the control and cutting him loose. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it sucks. No, it is not possible to know if this will work. But, this is what needs to be done. You can't control the Prince's alcohol/drug/sex or whatever else he does. You can't control the decisions/actions his grandparents make/do, you can only accept, change & control your own actions/reactions.
Take care of yourself first & foremost because he could have several more years of this behavior before he gets sober.
I totally agree with Pat. Just give him to God and let it go. Take care of Kel and accept that the Prince will eventually get off his ass when no one does anything for him again. If the grandparents want to enable and be used up, that is also something that you can't control. They will eventually figure it out when they get smacked in the face enough. Keep the focus on Kel and you'll be okay.
"When will I finally just accept that I didn't cause this, I can't control it, and I certainly can't cure it?"
IMHO Never. Not fully anyway. This is an ideal, a goal, a practice. If this could be mastered down to the core of our beings then why would we need to continue alanon and recovery and shit like that. So obviously you are falling short of this ideal. So f'in what. You are starting the process as evidenced by you putting the diploma thing in his direct control. I think its ok that you led the horse to water but now stop trying to make him drink.
How you is otha wize? Im officially requesting an inner thoughts/feelings blog from you.
Hi, kel--
It feels really good to be in touch with you again. I think you should let go of the Prince's school efforts, too. He's old enough. I think he'll never stop getting high until the negative consequences really come home to him. The sooner he feels the pain / deprivation of having been absent in his own life, the better. That said, as a mother, I know it's hard to watch them fall flat. But you've done enough with the school thing. It's his job now.
I've seen so many people who got sober reverse all the disastrous flotsam that trailed behind them - they go from being homeless to getting a GED, going to college, etc. If the Prince does come around to wanting to change his life, he can take care of the education issues.
Lisa
p.s. is there a way for us to email outside of the blog? I haven't figured out how to do that....perhaps we could have coffee some time.
Lisa
Oh and kudos on the obscure title quote. You made me search for it.
It's all about learning to let go Kel..You can't change how your Prince lives but you can change how you do.I hope you will take that to heart my friend.
Happy Valentines Day..xo
I give you kudos for not spanking him. As the mom of a newly minted teenage boy, your son's attitude would have made me react likely very similar to you. You are so very hard on yourself. He is of age and needs to clean his own life up. As long as he has his grandparents letting him pick up the pieces and he cannot find the will within himself to change, you cannot fix what ails him.
My heart goes out to you, but he really is not your responsibility to carry.
Lots of love to you. I am really glad to see you posting.
He is old enough to realize how important this is to his future. If he doesn't want to make the effort you can't make him. I think you did the absolute right thing. He should start taking some responsibility for his life and future.
it stops hurting... well, never really. But you'll stop letting it get to you when you let go and let god.
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