Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Mommas gonna make all of your nightmares come true...

I have been withholding some information from my blog. I know it's my blog and I get to choose what I will or will not share here. Yet, I feel incredibly dishonest and guilty and need to come clean. I have been back with new guy. I make no excuses for this. I am not perfect, in fact I am pretty broken and screwed up, but there is some ridiculous strong connection I have with this man that I can not ignore.

Anyway, that said, things are better. The fighting has subsided and it has been agreed that there will be ABSOLUTELY no hands. Am I crazy? Perhaps. I just don't know anymore. I am trying to get some balance in my life. I want to be in a loving relationship and I want it to be with this man. We still argue and fight. Too often for my taste. However, I am not used to fighting, or discussing, or laughing, loving, enjoying sex, talking about my feelings etc. in a relationship. My marriage was just so incredibly dysfunctional that I am still learning these things and it just doesn't come easy or natural. Admitting I am wrong, is so difficult for me. When we get into an argument, my immediate reaction is to tell him to get the F out and never come back, and this is how it usually goes down. I am simply unable to admit that I love him and don't want him to go and to ask him to stay or to forgive me.

It is as if I am a teenager still, and in some respects I believe that I am. I was married so young to someone so screwed up emotionally that I just stopped growing in that area of my life and then I had the audacity to bring children into this world when I was just a child myself and not equipped at all to deal with it. And then I stayed and stayed and stayed and I do not understand myself what I thought would change. I became so complacent and I did whatever I wanted without question and wasted so many years of my life and caused immeasurable damage to my children, who I truly, truly love with all of my being.

Last night La Petit told me he knew I had been seeing New Guy when I was still married to his father. I was. I denied it. I mean, seriously what kind of mother am I? Do I tell my son that his father and I stopped loving each other a long, long time ago and that I was so needy and desperate for love and affection that I couldn't wait until I moved out of the house to find a man? Should I have been honest and let my son think I am a slut and teach him that it is OK to not honor your marriage vows and that you should put your own wants and needs ahead of all else? Or do I stick to my lies and let him loose respect for me?

Why is everything so difficult?

12 comments:

Misery Marketing said...

From your previous blog:
"The new guy has turned out to be a madman and he beat the crap out of me last night and tried to strangle me. This abuse has been going on for a few weeks. Starts with a fight because he gets jealous angry or controlling and then it escalates into him freaking out, destroying and breaking things and last night it got out of control and he hit me. Hard. My jaw is all out of line and my neck is bruised from him trying to choke me." As a rule this behavior doesnt go away on its own. I have a friend who beats up his wives. He marrys them with all good intentions and promises and they all end in restaining orders. One day he's gonna kill somebody. Hopefully it wont be a kid who had no choice about who his mom trusted. Anyway I know you hate when people "judge" your situation (even though you put it on a public blog) but you sound like a crack addict. Cant live with it, cant live without it. Well its true that you probably cant live with it.....but......

pat said...

Kel,
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but I do not. I do however wish I had a way of making you see within yourself because there is something in you that is directing the choices you are making. Somewhere along this road called the journey of your life, you did not receive the love & affection you so needed and deserved and somewhere along this same road, you began to make the choice to settle for second best, when you actually deserved the best. Kel, I do not know much about your childhood, but I am guessing you did not get the unconditional love every child deserves. As far as this man, I believe you are searching for someone to love you and you have settled for him. No human being deserves to be abused either mentally, physically or sexually and I believe this is happening to you. I wish you could see in yourself what I can see in you and that is a strong loving caring compassionate woman who is very lonely and very insecure and though you have no control over your past you certainly have control over your future. I am glad you shared your truth. Thank You. It helps us all learn.

Misery Marketing said...

Im glad you're not mad at me. You're so money. You're so money and you dont even know it. What ever road you travel I still wanna know you as much as possible in the blogosphere. Besides Im working on my detatchment black belt. It doesnt matter what you do, it only matters what I do. Im learning to love people for their potential but I also understand that I have to make healthy choices for myself and for those I am responsible for. By the way before I read your post the title alone was killer.

Syd said...

Ah, the Pink Floyd lyrics again. Glad that you are a fan. As far as your situation, I can step back and see that you are vulnerable and needy and that the new man has stepped in at an opportune time. That being said, as long as you don't expect the new man to change his behavior and you're happy with the situation then it seems okay. But if you're not happy and staying in this because you think that he's the only one there is, give this some more thought. I think that you deserve better. Maybe running instead of walking to your sponsor and an Al-Anon meeting would help.

JUST ANOTHER ADDICT said...

Hmmm....I am at somewhat of a loss for words, but only somewhat ;-)
We all have our own path to walk and, ultimately only we can make our own decisions. But in doing so, we do need to remember that we impact other people's lives with our choices. I say that to say this -- 1. remember that your choices greatly impact Le Petit and 2. I am very concerned and also here for you.
Please take care of yourself and your son.
Love to you!
(P.S. depending on Le Petit's age, yes I do think you talk to him about staying in a relationship that was loveless, etc. He needs to learn about how to have a good relationship. However, I believe I remember he is too young for that kind fo discussion.)

Beth said...

Well, hmm... my only words to you are is to be effing careful. You're a grown woman who is more than capable of making good choices. I will pray that this is a good choice for you.

Misery Marketing said...

"You're so money. You're so money and you dont even know it." It's from the movie Swingers. Its just means your are superfly, the shit, the bombdiggity, men want you and women want to be you, or in regular terms your real cool and real attractive. The "and you dont even know it" line means maybe you dont know it or believe it yourself. You should definitely watch Swingers. It would be good therapy right now.

Tab said...

I am sure once the nightmare gets to be too much-you will wake up..and actually read that god damn book I gave you!OR something?
Till then Kel,you know what you are doing-just hope you don't get too hurt.xo

vicariousrising said...

My best remark is ditto misery marketing. He's right, you know. Hope you don't hate me either.

You deserve so much better than this. But I am really glad you shared it.

dirtydishes said...

I have never read your blog before today, but I feel the need to comment. I was in a phyically abusive relationship for over five years. The fights would usually start out with me saying or doing something "wrong." I never had any clue what it could be at any given moment. It would end up with me being beaten into submission, and apologizing all over the place, and then sex. Really good sex. I was constantly trying to be what he wanted me to be, so he would love me. I was always trying to avoid being beaten, but sometimes I would get fed up and try to provoke him. Then I would be even more ashamed of myself because "I deserved it." But it always was my fault, something I did wrong. One day I was taking a nap, and woke up to getting my face smashed into the headboard of the bed by my hair. I was a bloody mess. That was my breaking point, I had finally suffered enough.( I thought, but he talked me into coming back eventually and things went back to busuness as usual in no time flat) It's like I needed Supreme Court case evidence to make it not my fault, just once. Anyway, I look back on that period in my life with so much regret now. Why did I stay for so long? Because I sincerely believed that no one else would have me. The more he beat me, the more that became ingrained into the way I saw myself. I was nothing without him. The longer you stay with someone who abuses you, the worse you feel obout yourself, and the harder it is to get away. I left my abuser so many times, and he was a master manipulator. He would always go to any lengths to get me back. Begging, pleading, promising, even buying an engagement ring once. Of course I said yes, but looking at that ring everyday for a bout a month was the thing that got me off my ass and I finally left him for good, but not without a big fight. It's the hardest thing I have ever done. He stalked me for months afterward. That was before there were any stalker laws. He would come to my home in the middle of the night, to my work, called my parents and all my friends. I guess he finally got closure when he slept with my "best friend", and made sure I found out about it, he called and told me. Keep in mind this one thing. He does not beat you because of you. He beats you because he is a sick man and a woman beater. I will bet my boots, he beat the woman before you, and he will beat the one that comes after you. Today, I thank God I got out of there alive, but it took a long time. I hope you get some help. You don't have to be a victim anymore unless you choose too. You are not going to be the one that changes this man's behavior, and we all know what happens to martyrs. You will be in my prayers, as well as your children.

Misery Marketing said...

Hey Kel! Missin you.

working mom NYC said...

Hi, Kel--
Long time since I read your blog or wrote in mine, but I've thought many times about you and this is the first chance I've had to read what's going on and has been going on in your life. Have to say that new guy sounds like he's going to make you more unhappy than no guy at all. My STBX was abusive and I'ev finally gotten away from him. You deserve better, girl!

I'm going to write a quick update in my blog - hope you connect with me 'cause I'd love to catch up (Parent Angst).

Lisa