Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before...

I have been blogging for almost 2 years now. I have never set up "rules" for my blogging, I blog when I have time, or when I need to vent, or when I have something to share or when I just have something to say. I have made some wonderful connections through my blogging and even had the pleasure to build a real life friendship with one of our blogger peeps. Over the summer when I was at one of my low points, I remember when I was having a meltdown, that I would think about how I was going to put it up on my blog and it would comfort me knowing that there was a place I could go to share my innermost self with or without judgement from the blogging community. I can honestly say, other than the crazy anti-aa guy, I have never had anything but thoughtful, caring people leave me comments. I have come to genuinely care about so many of you and your lives. I consider each and everyone of you a blessing in my life.

Lately, I have not been blogging regularly, but instead, I have been reading more of your blogs out there and I wanted to share some of my feelings about that. I feel as though I am on the verge of one or two things, either a complete breakdown or possibly a complete breakthrough. As I follow the journeys of others out here I feel so much less alone. I see that others have lived destructive lives of alcoholism and addiction and through the grace of g-d and with lots of strength have come through to the other side and choose to live a sober life one day at a time. I am in no way minimizing their battles because I believe it to be just that. I am simply able to find comfort in knowing that there is a program out there, for if and when that time comes, my Prince can find his way to a clean and sober life. I have learned through all of you, that it IS possible and their can be a happy life for him someday despite the demons he must fight. I thank you all for this.

I recently came across a blog where a young woman is sharing her story of her active addiction to heroine. She supports this habit by selling herself. She actually refers to herself as "Street Meat". Her writing is articulate and cohesive. Her story is about as frightening as anything the mother of an addict wants to know. But she is still alive and therefore there is still hope and I have added this young girl to my prayers. I applaud her honesty and I do not judge her or her family. Because as the mother of an addict; I know, there but for the grace of g-d, go I...

I have read the stories of other addicts parents. It amazes and impresses me, that you could live through every parents worse nightmare, the death of your child through this dreadful, horrible disease, and still find the energy to not only get out bed in the morning, but to get onto your computer, and share your story with anyone who cares enough to read it. We are an amazing bunch. We have a common thread and I guess that creates a bond that only other parents living through this can comprehend. And there is no judgement. No ridiculous advise, no finger pointing. WE get it. Collectively, we are the only ones who can understand that addiction CAN and DOES happen to good people.

I seem to have been given more than my fair share of sickness, tragedy and misfortune in my life. It is very easy to feel sorry for myself and do the whole "why me" thing. However it gives me strength to know that my story, when thrown in the mix here, well, it's just another story. No better, no worse. The end of it is far from being written, and I know from all that you share, neither is yours. It just has to be taken one day at a time. Nothing more, nothing less.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Living my life in a slow hell...

I have been seeing a man for the last few weeks who has really forced me to think about alot of things in my life. It is probably not going to come as a surprise to anyone who reads me that my marriage was not a happy or functional one. What is surprising to me is the destruction it left in its path of my well being.

Alcoholism and addiction have been regular fixtures in my life for as long as I can remember. I was raised by alcoholic parents. I married an alcoholic, I raised a drug addict/alcoholic. My brother is an active alcoholic/addict. I am starting to see that this too has damaged me more than I was ever willing to allow myself to admit.

It has also become increasingly clear to me that I have very few people left in my life that I consider to be my friends. I am not sure if this is because I am just so self absorbed in my own mess that I no longer invest myself or if it is because I have felt slightly betrayed by those close to me, or perhaps I have just made poor choices in the people I surround myself with.

I think this is also why I have chosen to have relationships with men who are either unavailable physically or emotionally. Men who were interested in me based more on my appearance than anything else. Fooling myself into believing that I was looking for someone to love me, to take care of me, but on some level knowing that I am incapable of such a relationship at this point in my life because the damage done to me has taught me not to get too close and not too trust. To always expect the worst. I am the queen of self sabotage.

So, I meet this man towards the end of the summer, and typical me behavior, we spend some time together, go for drinks, dinner, and I do not expect or want anything more than that. I assume he is broken or damaged in some way, because, why if he wasn't, would he possibly be interested in me? So new guy as I have nicknamed him, well, he is making me stay. He wont let me run, as is my modus operandi when I feel like someone is getting too close.

It is making me see that my marriage to AH was a very bad one indeed, above and beyond his alcoholism. There was never any kind of emotional connection between us, and as I reflect back on it, I took this as rejection, that I wasn't worthy of being loved, and just kept building those walls. I managed to live the last 20 years of my life without feeling loved or worthy of being loved. I spent years building my own life, one where I could be independent and in control of all scenarios. Because losing control would be showing weakness. Showing weakness would make me human and human beings need human contact. I managed to let myself loose sight of this. Sex became something that could be used to control others, because someone desiring me, fulfilled me, and that was good enough.

Well guess what? It isn't good enough. Not anymore.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

There is no pain you are receiving...

I am a little worried about myself these days, not something I do very often. Part of my codependency problem is that I have a tendency to worry about everyone else and not worry about myself. My life is pretty out of control these days and that is not something I am good at coping with.

I have retained a lawyer and filed for a divorce. I am not in the least bit sad or unhappy about this. I am just feeling a little overwhelmed by the process and all that it involves. AH and I haven't spoken a word to each other since I discovered he is no longer contributing to our household financially. My lawyer is also suing him for this. It just gave me a real deep insight into his character and the kind of man he really is. I know divorce is ugly and it brings out the worst in people, but this was just unnecessary.

The Prince is still not working or even actively looking for a job. He has a new girlfriend and he just spends his time with her. I know he is drinking excessively, and at the bare minimum, smoking pot. G-d knows what else. I pray for him to embrace sobriety, I have successfully let it go, and no longer feel responsible.

My dad is not doing well. He is such a sick man, on taop of the debilitating stroke that left him paralyzed 16 years ago, and the pancreatic cancer, and diabetes, in the last few weeks he has come down with pneumonia, had a seizure and congestive heart failure. His doc thinks he may have some skin cancer and now he has a wicked infection on his toe that will be very difficult to treat due to all of his other ailments. This is not a life, this is no way to live. He is deeply depressed and my mom told me he was crying on saturday evening because he knows he is dying and he is so worried about how screwed up my life is that I will not be okay.

La Petit is starting to act out a bit, he is back to not doing his homework. I am trying not to come down too hard on him because it is such a difficult time for all of us. I just feel so sad for him, he is going to feel the brunt of all of this, his parents are divorcing, he is leaving his home, his school his friends, and moving into a new home where he will live with his dying grandfather. Life is just so hard and I wish I could shelter him from it all.

I have been living between my house and my parents house the last week or two. I am a little afraid to stay at home because I do not know how AH is going to react when he is served papers. It is exhausting. I am feeling very displaced, like a homeless person. I need to put some roots down and become the peron I am meant to be. I am not happy with my parenting or coping skills right now. I am not an alcholic, but it runs in my veins like blood. I am drinking more than what would be considered social these days, and I know that is self medicating and it scares me a little. I am depressed and anxious all the time. I am losing faith, and I just dont know if I can keep it all together and get through these next few weeks.

I know it could all be so much worse. I am so saddened to think of all of those people who are losing so much as the wild fires tear through California. I have friends I can talk to and trust, I have a family that loves and supports me, and thankfully I have the financial resources available to me to make the changes I need to. I just have to remember to breathe.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

It's been a long time...

Sorry I have been so completely out of touch and not blogging lately. There is alot going on right now. I need to keep this brief, so much to share and not quite sure where to start.

Basically, I am ready to close on the new house I am buying with my parents and aside for a few little snafus with my old house, I should be closing in a few weeks. AH has really pulled a fast one on me, he unilaterally decided he was no longer going to contribute to our family finances and opened up his own bank account and as a result a bunch of checks bounced after wiping out my line of credit. I hired a lawyer this morning and things are going to get ugly.

Its very sad that this pathetic excuse of a marriage is finally going to come to an end, and it has to end like this. I really thought that I was going to be the exception to the rule and have a nice amicable divorce.

Yeah right.