Wednesday, October 24, 2007

There is no pain you are receiving...

I am a little worried about myself these days, not something I do very often. Part of my codependency problem is that I have a tendency to worry about everyone else and not worry about myself. My life is pretty out of control these days and that is not something I am good at coping with.

I have retained a lawyer and filed for a divorce. I am not in the least bit sad or unhappy about this. I am just feeling a little overwhelmed by the process and all that it involves. AH and I haven't spoken a word to each other since I discovered he is no longer contributing to our household financially. My lawyer is also suing him for this. It just gave me a real deep insight into his character and the kind of man he really is. I know divorce is ugly and it brings out the worst in people, but this was just unnecessary.

The Prince is still not working or even actively looking for a job. He has a new girlfriend and he just spends his time with her. I know he is drinking excessively, and at the bare minimum, smoking pot. G-d knows what else. I pray for him to embrace sobriety, I have successfully let it go, and no longer feel responsible.

My dad is not doing well. He is such a sick man, on taop of the debilitating stroke that left him paralyzed 16 years ago, and the pancreatic cancer, and diabetes, in the last few weeks he has come down with pneumonia, had a seizure and congestive heart failure. His doc thinks he may have some skin cancer and now he has a wicked infection on his toe that will be very difficult to treat due to all of his other ailments. This is not a life, this is no way to live. He is deeply depressed and my mom told me he was crying on saturday evening because he knows he is dying and he is so worried about how screwed up my life is that I will not be okay.

La Petit is starting to act out a bit, he is back to not doing his homework. I am trying not to come down too hard on him because it is such a difficult time for all of us. I just feel so sad for him, he is going to feel the brunt of all of this, his parents are divorcing, he is leaving his home, his school his friends, and moving into a new home where he will live with his dying grandfather. Life is just so hard and I wish I could shelter him from it all.

I have been living between my house and my parents house the last week or two. I am a little afraid to stay at home because I do not know how AH is going to react when he is served papers. It is exhausting. I am feeling very displaced, like a homeless person. I need to put some roots down and become the peron I am meant to be. I am not happy with my parenting or coping skills right now. I am not an alcholic, but it runs in my veins like blood. I am drinking more than what would be considered social these days, and I know that is self medicating and it scares me a little. I am depressed and anxious all the time. I am losing faith, and I just dont know if I can keep it all together and get through these next few weeks.

I know it could all be so much worse. I am so saddened to think of all of those people who are losing so much as the wild fires tear through California. I have friends I can talk to and trust, I have a family that loves and supports me, and thankfully I have the financial resources available to me to make the changes I need to. I just have to remember to breathe.


Teresa Finney said...

I love the ending of this blog, "I just have to remember to breathe". You are very right. For whatever it is worth, I think that alone can get us through miles and miles of hurt. Allow yourself to cry. Allow yourself to feel. No more pushing it down with booze only for it to resurface when the alcohol dissipates. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Things will absolutely get better, I PROMISE. You justt have to believe you are worth it.
Thank you for your kind words in my blog!


Syd said...

Kel, I think that you are aware of what you are feeling and seem to have the tools to get yourself through these times. I feel the sadness in your words but as you remember to breathe, also remember that you aren't alone. If I could just remember that I need to turn to my HP when things get rough, I'd be in a much more serene place.

Jaqui said...

Stay strong. As they say “God never gives you more than you can handle.” It may seem tough now but your doing things that will ultimately make life for you and your family better. Just remember that.

pat said...

You are on overload but I guess I do not need to tell you that. Take all the problems that are overwheming you right now and store them into individual tiny compartments. Then take one problem at a time and try to deal with just that one. You are going to be alright. You are doing what needs to be done. Focus and by all means do breathe.

TodayTodayToday said...

Why do I get scared for other people when they seem to be losing faith but pretty indifferent about it when I'm lossing faith? Its like I can believe that God could make your life better but not mine. Must be a self-worth issue.

Beth said...

Definitely remember to breathe... a passed out kel on the LIE is not something I want to hear about. Besides, holding your breath is a really bad idea in general, LOL.

On a serious note, I'm so sorry about your Dad. It's hard watching your parent's be sick and such, but the time you will have him will be memorable so make each moment count.

And just remember to take it one day at a time... life is chock full of moments like this... you've survived before this time you will thrive, if you remember who you are and where you want to be.

Alcoholic Brain said...

I see growth here Kel. You have come a long way since I first visited your blog. Hang in there. You will do well.

Trudging said...

Hang in there buddy and remember God is in charge.