Thursday, August 28, 2008

Falling away from me...

As my beautiful blogger buddy Tab pointed out to me in a comment left on my last post, I have not felt so inspired in my blogging lately. This has nothing to do with troll boy, and everything to do with not feeling so inspired in my life lately. I still spend a great deal of time each day reading the posts of all of my blogger buddies, although not always feeling compelled to comment. But trust that I am here, following your lives, your struggles, your conquests and journeys. I still feel deeply connected to so many of you.

As the summer comes to an end, and it's time to begin another school year, I am reminded of all of the changes in my life over the last year. Change is something I tend to be quite ambiguous about. Often I embrace and seek out change to try to satisfy some need deep within myself, to feel something, anything. A change in the scenery, new homes, new jobs, new friends, new experiences. Usually, as I said, to dull the aching pain I often feel deep within myself.

I'm sure it won't surprise any of you that this has not worked out very well for me. I have yet to come to terms with the very real concept that I have to find happiness within myself, it will not come from a new house, a new job, a new man, etc. I can keep on running and searching and hiding and acting like a chameleon, but it isn't going to make me happy.

So, the tale usually unfolds the same way. I make some big changes and think I will finally feel the happiness that I so desperately seek. For a while, I feel OK. And then I am once again alone with myself, maybe in a different place, but I'm still there. It's me that I cant seem to get away from. Not everyone else.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Whatever happened is over now for you...

And the troll has been visiting, comment moderation enabled.


Sunday, August 10, 2008

I need you to need me...

Syd suggested this: Type your name and "needs" into Google to see what 10 things come up. I wasn't tagged directly, but decided since I was just vegging here on the computer, I would play along, although I am quite sure the last thing any of you guys NEEDS is a double post from me, on a Sunday no less!!!

Kel needs to get a few things (hmmm... new shoes?)

Kel needs a photographer. (to photograph me in my new shoes?!)

Kel needs to return. (oh no! not the new shoes!)

Kel needs to be on tv again. (I wasn't aware that I ever needed to be on tv in the first place...)

Kel needs a man. (hmm, how apropos, please see my last post!)

Kel needs to find his (her) inner caveman. (Didn't know I lost my inner caveman!)

Kel needs to be more organized. (oh, how true, how true...)

Kel needs a little excitement. (not so much, I think grounding is more like it)

Kel needs to man up and admit he (she) did wrong. (sigh, once again please see my last post...)

Kel needs professional help. ('nuff said...)

Happy Sunday y'all and feel free to consider yourself tagged if you want to play along...

Take one step at a time, no reason to rush...

I am not in such a good place in my head right now.

I am making a mess of the few good things I have in my life because I am needy, insecure and just plain broken.

I have been dating a nice man, a good man, a man with some issues of his own but issues that are by far way less than the freight train of baggage that I carry around with me.

I do believe I managed to screw it up this weekend, because I was feeling needy and insecure and was unable/unwilling to communicate and articulate my feelings and instead shut down, and shut him out and went back to my old game playing ways.

This man is 48 years old and doesn't do the game playing thing and I am pretty sure I have screwed it up permanently.

Ohhh, kel. Will you ever learn??

Monday, August 04, 2008

The more I see the less I know, the more I'd like to let it go...

Still no word or contact from or with the Prince. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss him and that I worry about him and want to just call him and hear his voice. But there is the stubborn part of me that just won't. I mean, I am the adult here, and I think an adult conversation with him is called for. But I know it will be fruitless. He is going to do whatever it is he is going to do, and I can not get passed the way he treated me that evening. {{{sigh}}} Going to try to let go and let g-d.

I spend way too much of my time worrying about the future and La Petit. Will he choose the same road as his brother? He has pretty severe ADHD and although he is quite capable, he does not do as well in school as he should. He is a bit lazy and just wants to have fun. He is a real homebody, prefers to be home than to be out with friends. His play time is usually spent with close friends that I am friends with the Moms and we do things together, or family etc. He did ask to go to a movie Friday with a friend but I had made other plans and would not be available to pick him up and he wanted to walk home the mile from the movie theatre at 9:30 pm. I would not allow it. Then I felt guilty. But I just don't think a boy who turned 13 less than a week ago should be walking the streets alone at 9:30 at night.

Sometimes he is this sweet little boy, without a stitch of body hair (or man hair as I like to call it) dancing around my house, making soap "potions" and singing in the shower, snuggling in bed with his Mom. And then sometimes he catches serious at-ti-tude and I see the teenager starting to emerge, and it just scares me. I so can not go through that again, and I know there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I also suffer from parent envy. I see the kind of parents some of my friends are and I feel I just don't measure up and their kids seem so much more together because of it. I mean, is my the only kid around who isn't in the gifted and talented program? Who isn't on the honor roll? Who isn't a local star athlete?

Nope, I am the mother of a drug addict. A member of the elite broken-hearted-moms club (credit to you, Lou; for giving us this apropos title!) My youngest son, the jury isn't in yet, but I can not help but wonder if it was my parenting skills (or lack there of) that have left my children to reap what they must sow.

Alcoholism runs deeply through our veins. So throw some genetics in there and I just feel, well, doomed.

So, anyway, I'm staying in the day, in a I wish I was someone else kind of way...