Monday, August 04, 2008

The more I see the less I know, the more I'd like to let it go...

Still no word or contact from or with the Prince. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss him and that I worry about him and want to just call him and hear his voice. But there is the stubborn part of me that just won't. I mean, I am the adult here, and I think an adult conversation with him is called for. But I know it will be fruitless. He is going to do whatever it is he is going to do, and I can not get passed the way he treated me that evening. {{{sigh}}} Going to try to let go and let g-d.

I spend way too much of my time worrying about the future and La Petit. Will he choose the same road as his brother? He has pretty severe ADHD and although he is quite capable, he does not do as well in school as he should. He is a bit lazy and just wants to have fun. He is a real homebody, prefers to be home than to be out with friends. His play time is usually spent with close friends that I am friends with the Moms and we do things together, or family etc. He did ask to go to a movie Friday with a friend but I had made other plans and would not be available to pick him up and he wanted to walk home the mile from the movie theatre at 9:30 pm. I would not allow it. Then I felt guilty. But I just don't think a boy who turned 13 less than a week ago should be walking the streets alone at 9:30 at night.

Sometimes he is this sweet little boy, without a stitch of body hair (or man hair as I like to call it) dancing around my house, making soap "potions" and singing in the shower, snuggling in bed with his Mom. And then sometimes he catches serious at-ti-tude and I see the teenager starting to emerge, and it just scares me. I so can not go through that again, and I know there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I also suffer from parent envy. I see the kind of parents some of my friends are and I feel I just don't measure up and their kids seem so much more together because of it. I mean, is my the only kid around who isn't in the gifted and talented program? Who isn't on the honor roll? Who isn't a local star athlete?

Nope, I am the mother of a drug addict. A member of the elite broken-hearted-moms club (credit to you, Lou; for giving us this apropos title!) My youngest son, the jury isn't in yet, but I can not help but wonder if it was my parenting skills (or lack there of) that have left my children to reap what they must sow.

Alcoholism runs deeply through our veins. So throw some genetics in there and I just feel, well, doomed.

So, anyway, I'm staying in the day, in a I wish I was someone else kind of way...


pat said...

I think I could have taught my boys better coping skills.Why is it we do not know any better until it is too late.

Princess Powerless said...

Hi Kel... Just found your blog. Alcoholism runs in these veins, too. Not to mention the tendencies to 1) second-guess myself and 2) compare myself to others.

You made a tough but smart choice about what your kid can and cannot do. Sometimes the right thing is very hard to do... We love our kids and want to give them everything, but kids need limits, too!

I don't have kids so I'll quit before I say something stupid. (By way of qualification I was a kid, I've worked with kids as a childcare giver, and I have neices and a nephew.)

Anyway, looking forward to reading more of your blog. Sounds like you're as powerless as I am. :-)

AlkySeltzer said...

Gosh, I'm meeting (anonymously) another BHM. How many of you are OUT there? Certainly hope you all have sponsors. Lou is a cyber-friend of mine also, BTW.

Anna and I have 2 hers and 2 mine we are fortunate none of them are alkies or druggies. But that had abs. NOTHING to do with US or how we raised them. So also, how you raised him/them, did not make them addictive (IMO!). I MUST stop beating myself up about things over which only God has control.

NOTE: Our kids, all grown, DO display all the "isms" of our disease...heheh

Lou said...

Kel, I think a group with other mothers (or Al-Anon type) would help you. Thoughts really get out of control when it's just you talking in your head.

It's a tough world to be raising kids, especially as a single mom.
I do agree your younger son is at a pivotal age.

You are right about them walking around at night. I wish I had better supervised where my son was.
Believing what he told me was not such a good idea in hindsight.

Princess Powerless said...

(feeling dumb)What's a BHM?(/feeling dumb)

LOL the program gave me this message when I tried to use the correct html carats:

Your HTML cannot be accepted: Tag is not allowed: (feeling dumb)

kel said...

Princess- BHM = Broken Hearted Mom...

~ Matilda ~ said...

We can't change how our kids live their lives as they grow up-
Only how we chose to deal with it
when it's not what we dreamnt for them all those nurturing years they were dependent on us.
Now it's our time to take care of ourselves-Letting them learn to take care of themselves-somehow.
Don't give in and don't give up.

I will be by again for a read.

Fractalmom said...

Hi Kel. I just subscribed to your blog LOL. We have a lot in common.

I raised five of them. Strict as you can get too. Supportive, and two of them were VERY gifted. One was valedictorian of her class. Three full scholarships to almost ivy league colleges.

She was also the heroin addict two years later.

Honey. You just do the best you can. And Pray alot.

Bottom line, there are kids raised by two heroin addicts who do NOT use...and kids raised by upper middle class ppl who DO use.

Bottom bottom line. Using drugs is a bad choice you can make, or not make. Some kids make it. Some don't.

Beth said...

You're doing the best you can, that is all anybody expects of you. Don't be so hard on yourself.

vicariousrising said...

Good lord, Kel, you shouldn't be comparing yourself to other mothers and their precious offspring. You have no idea of how well they and their kids are doing behind closed doors or which ones will grow up to be axe murderers.

I can completely commisserate about the young son with ADHD. My son is 13 and has ADHD. He's the sweetest kid going, but when he's off his meds, he can get pretty rambunctious. As in, "hmm, I think I'll cut the dog's tail" because the idea of consequences does not occur to him when that part of his pre-frontal lobe isn't getting enough juice.

And the fact he's already on a highly regulated narcotic to assist his ADHD scares the crap out of me. But, I think addressing his issues and managing them is better than him self-medicating later. Plus, we have the opportunity to discuss what is happening. Being aware is half the battle.

In my family, I'm the only alcoholic of the 3 kids. But I would also argue I am the most well-adjusted now. Or maybe it would be better to say: I'd much rather be me fucked up than fucked up the way my siblings are. What made me react to my upbringing differently than my younger siblings? No way of knowing for 100% certain. One thing my therapist says is that each kid gets a different set of parents because the parents are in different phases of their own lives as each child comes along. Therefore, each child is not really raised under identical circumstances.

All we can do is try our best and try to learn from our mistakes and be openminded. What matters is what we do from today going forward.

Fractalmom said...

also to be noted. A whopping 75% of untreated ADHD kids grow up to be users of drugs.

And, sigh, I know what it is like. My oldest granddaughter is ADHD and on the Daytrana patch, which works ten times better than any other thing she was on.

Syd said...

Kel,I am sorry that I left out your blog. It was unintentional as I was switching over to the "feed" system on Blogger. I'm sure that I missed a few others as well.

Anyway, I would be concerned too about La Petit because of the ADHD that tends to be associated eventually with addictions. So counseling and medication might be something to consider.

As far as comparing with others, it's a waste of time IMO. Al-Anon has taught me that it doesn't matter really what others think or do as long as I'm doing what I can. And that it is wasted energy to compare myself to others. There is always someone richer, more intelligent, more handsome,etc. I've learned to be happy with who I am and accept myself without daily mental beatings.
Hang in there.

Misery Marketing said...

Wow I can relate. My son sounds just like La Petite. I feel like the dumbest shittiest parent in the world. My son didnt pass his test. In fact he bombed it so now he has to repeat 3rd grade. Im putting him in a private school but he is still so very upset. I think he feels stupid and it kills me. He is very smart but even if he actually was dim i still hate to see him like that. I just have to remember that he has a God too and maybe he will look back on things like this in his life and see why they were the best thing for him. If not then we all die in the end and are lives are just blinks of an eye anyway.