Wednesday, June 24, 2009

What's it all about?

Taking the cue from Syd today and sharing a little about what I'm about....

  1. Today I am all about me, it's my Birthday, and I love my birthday, and all of the attention that comes with it. Narcissistic much?
  2. Feeling proud of myself that as a single mother, I managed to make the best possible summer camp plans for my Little Prince, and pay for it, without any interaction from his father, who could care less.
  3. Coffee. I consume way too much of it, but I love it.
  4. Having good friends that really care about me and make me a better person.
  5. The sadness that I felt last night when my Mom told me about our recently widowed cousin, who yesterday, took a walk with her daughter, my good friend, and went to the movies with her grandchildren. My mom was half-way through a giant bottle of cheap red wine when she told me about this, and the realization that we are never going to do those things, well, it just hurts.
  6. I am not a perfect mother and my children are not perfect. I'm learning though, that I am doing my best to be good enough and they will either love me for it or have to deal with it in therapy later on. Such is life.
  7. I miss my father. Especially today on my birthday, he would have called me singing the Happy Birthday song to me all day.
  8. I do not however, miss his illness, pain and suffering. Sometimes God knows when to come calling for his sons.
  9. Red velvet cupcakes. Yummy.
  10. A flirty new skirt to wear on my birthday today.
  11. Being in a relationship with a good man. Although it is not ideal, it is good enough and I am learning to let things happen at that their own pace.
  12. My beautiful sweet pup. He loves me unconditionally, flaws and all.
  13. Letting go of the past. Slowly, but surely.
  14. Not having to own the Princes problems anymore.
  15. Enjoying planting a garden with my mother. All of the rain has really helped it flourish.
  16. Feeling hopeful about my future. I can make it on my own. I can find happiness. Even if I am alone.
  17. Looking forward to some alone time this summer. I'm feeling ready to get to know myself again. (Flaws and all)
  18. Reading and learning from the experiences of my blogger buddies. Even though I rarely comment anymore.
  19. Learning to cook with fine fresh ingredients. I never knew there could be real joy in cooking for the people in my life that I love, and planting my own fresh herbs for the first time this summer... cant wait to use them!
  20. Becoming more comfortable in my own skin. One day at a time...

So what are YOU all about right now?

Friday, June 05, 2009

And I feel...

This morning, when I locked my bedroom door before I took a shower, as I was alone in the house, I thought to myself, with a chill down my spine,why bother? When I tried to lock the monster out, he just busted it down anyway.

When I drive down the last strip of highway in the mornings on my way to my office, I am often brought back to the conversations with the monster, hearing his temper rise as his voice was elevating, and telling me how I don't make him feel special enough, and all of the other things I did wrong.

Earlier in the week my young son and I were talking about the accidental death of Mike Tyson's daughter, and I expressed that although I was not a big fan, I felt sad for his loss. My young son inquired about my feelings and I mentioned the many episodes of domestic abuse and spousal abuse he had been accused of. My son commented to me that the wife must have deserved it, that she probably cheated or whatever? I had to actually control my OWN rage at that comment. My own son, making such a statement, after all that I had gone through.

Later in the week I was having dinner in a restaurant with some friends and I repeated the conversation between my son and I. These are all close friends who knew what I went through and were very, very supportive. However, one of my friends had apparently forgotten about it for a moment, and went off on a sort of tangent about if her sons ever made such a comment, she would explain to them how it would never happen to her, because she is too strong for that and she would never allow it to happen to her. I interrupted her as gently as I could by saying, never say never. She got the point and quickly apologized.

The relationship that I am in is a safe one. I am confident he would never physically harm me. But it seems to be taking on a life of his way or now way. Not at all in a threatening manner. More like, he is more comfortable being at his house. He is not crazy about my mom or spending time with her and as a result, he will no longer come to my house if she is there. If I want to do something he wont do, he simply will say no and he will not do it. No matter what. I think this is just starting to really mess with my head, and is making all the bad, painful memories try to break their way out of repression...