Friday, June 05, 2009

And I feel...

This morning, when I locked my bedroom door before I took a shower, as I was alone in the house, I thought to myself, with a chill down my spine,why bother? When I tried to lock the monster out, he just busted it down anyway.

When I drive down the last strip of highway in the mornings on my way to my office, I am often brought back to the conversations with the monster, hearing his temper rise as his voice was elevating, and telling me how I don't make him feel special enough, and all of the other things I did wrong.

Earlier in the week my young son and I were talking about the accidental death of Mike Tyson's daughter, and I expressed that although I was not a big fan, I felt sad for his loss. My young son inquired about my feelings and I mentioned the many episodes of domestic abuse and spousal abuse he had been accused of. My son commented to me that the wife must have deserved it, that she probably cheated or whatever? I had to actually control my OWN rage at that comment. My own son, making such a statement, after all that I had gone through.

Later in the week I was having dinner in a restaurant with some friends and I repeated the conversation between my son and I. These are all close friends who knew what I went through and were very, very supportive. However, one of my friends had apparently forgotten about it for a moment, and went off on a sort of tangent about if her sons ever made such a comment, she would explain to them how it would never happen to her, because she is too strong for that and she would never allow it to happen to her. I interrupted her as gently as I could by saying, never say never. She got the point and quickly apologized.

The relationship that I am in is a safe one. I am confident he would never physically harm me. But it seems to be taking on a life of his way or now way. Not at all in a threatening manner. More like, he is more comfortable being at his house. He is not crazy about my mom or spending time with her and as a result, he will no longer come to my house if she is there. If I want to do something he wont do, he simply will say no and he will not do it. No matter what. I think this is just starting to really mess with my head, and is making all the bad, painful memories try to break their way out of repression...

5 comments:

Cat said...

Kel, I get this. Comments like that put me on the defensive as if I had caused it after so long of trying to figure out how to fix it...

have you been to this blog about stuff like this? http://violenceunsilenced.com/

if not have a visit, it may help, you may write or not but just know there are so many others out there like you, who can relate and understand.

Cat

Pen to Paper said...

Having painful memories brought back to the forefront is never fun. I don't blame him for not wanting to be around the negativity of your mother (just from what you have written about her), but yeah, the other stuff could definitely mess with your head. All I have to say is: if it is getting to be too much, you are in control, and you can make it so that it is a better situation for you, good luck.

pat said...

I just attended a conference on Domestic Violence and it is far more complicated than anyone really knows.

As far as what is occurring in this new relationship; if it is not an equal partnership then it is not a partnership at all. Relationships are about give and take and not about doing all the giving and/or taking.

Syd said...

Kel, I agree with Pat. It is about give and take. It's also about one's identity though. I can understand that there are things that your friend may not want to do, so he says No rather than do them and not want to. Same can go for you, say no or yes but mean it. Maybe those are healthy boundaries. Hard to tell without knowing the situation.

pattycakes said...

sorry i dont know you or him , but he doesnt sound like anyone you need to be involved with . it could one day get to be very violent . dont get back into another one . good luck to you :)