And I feel...

This morning, when I locked my bedroom door before I took a shower, as I was alone in the house, I thought to myself, with a chill down my spine,why bother? When I tried to lock the monster out, he just busted it down anyway.

When I drive down the last strip of highway in the mornings on my way to my office, I am often brought back to the conversations with the monster, hearing his temper rise as his voice was elevating, and telling me how I don't make him feel special enough, and all of the other things I did wrong.

Earlier in the week my young son and I were talking about the accidental death of Mike Tyson's daughter, and I expressed that although I was not a big fan, I felt sad for his loss. My young son inquired about my feelings and I mentioned the many episodes of domestic abuse and spousal abuse he had been accused of. My son commented to me that the wife must have deserved it, that she probably cheated or whatever? I had to actually control my OWN rage at that comment. My own son, making such a statement, after all that I had gone through.

Later in the week I was having dinner in a restaurant with some friends and I repeated the conversation between my son and I. These are all close friends who knew what I went through and were very, very supportive. However, one of my friends had apparently forgotten about it for a moment, and went off on a sort of tangent about if her sons ever made such a comment, she would explain to them how it would never happen to her, because she is too strong for that and she would never allow it to happen to her. I interrupted her as gently as I could by saying, never say never. She got the point and quickly apologized.

The relationship that I am in is a safe one. I am confident he would never physically harm me. But it seems to be taking on a life of his way or now way. Not at all in a threatening manner. More like, he is more comfortable being at his house. He is not crazy about my mom or spending time with her and as a result, he will no longer come to my house if she is there. If I want to do something he wont do, he simply will say no and he will not do it. No matter what. I think this is just starting to really mess with my head, and is making all the bad, painful memories try to break their way out of repression...