Thursday, August 28, 2008

Falling away from me...

As my beautiful blogger buddy Tab pointed out to me in a comment left on my last post, I have not felt so inspired in my blogging lately. This has nothing to do with troll boy, and everything to do with not feeling so inspired in my life lately. I still spend a great deal of time each day reading the posts of all of my blogger buddies, although not always feeling compelled to comment. But trust that I am here, following your lives, your struggles, your conquests and journeys. I still feel deeply connected to so many of you.

As the summer comes to an end, and it's time to begin another school year, I am reminded of all of the changes in my life over the last year. Change is something I tend to be quite ambiguous about. Often I embrace and seek out change to try to satisfy some need deep within myself, to feel something, anything. A change in the scenery, new homes, new jobs, new friends, new experiences. Usually, as I said, to dull the aching pain I often feel deep within myself.

I'm sure it won't surprise any of you that this has not worked out very well for me. I have yet to come to terms with the very real concept that I have to find happiness within myself, it will not come from a new house, a new job, a new man, etc. I can keep on running and searching and hiding and acting like a chameleon, but it isn't going to make me happy.

So, the tale usually unfolds the same way. I make some big changes and think I will finally feel the happiness that I so desperately seek. For a while, I feel OK. And then I am once again alone with myself, maybe in a different place, but I'm still there. It's me that I cant seem to get away from. Not everyone else.


Syd said...

You are so right Kel. It is an inside job. I hope that you find that peace from loving who you are and knowing that there are others who also care about you.

AlkySeltzer said...

In no way are my remarks intended to be negative...pleeze! I read about inspired blogs, inspired life, and whatever. It comes to mind that the greatest musicians, artists, poets, writers, architects, composers, etc. completed their work on (est.) 5% inspiration...and 95% perspiration. The actual numbers do not matter, but what's left is the truism, that greatness is very seldom 'inspired'.

And KEL, you write inspiringly about being uninspired! Your writing comes through to me, as much-inspired, motivated, stimulating stuff. Thank you AGAIN!

Beth said...

Hey, I can totally relate, many times I have changed things in my life, thinking that this was the secret, only to find out that nope the secret is right inside me, and I've got to be comfortable in my own skin before changing the anything else. One day a a time!

vicariousrising said...

Kel, you are such a lovely person inside, but YOU just don't see it. And you're right, you look outside yourself for stimulation and validation. I'm not sure where to point you to start a journey for self discovery, but just know I do know how you feel to some degree. I spent a long time feeling unworthy and not knowing who I was. I made a lot of stumbles (and still do) to get where I am now, including my foray into alcoholism.

Maybe the best way to start is to just be a little nicer to yourself in small ways. Treat yourself the way you would treat others.

I care about you, Kel. We all do. You don't have to be some inspirational guru to inspire our affection.

abbie said...

AUGH!! you're writing MY thoughts!!!

stop it.
:) abbie

Sober T said...

I used to feel like you do. Always searching for something outside of myself to satisfy me. Thankfully, I learned that if I wasn't satisfied by just being, what (or who) in the world was gonna fill that gap? I found that if I'm content with just waking up in the morning, everything else is gravy. Don't pressure yourself. :o)