I have been seeing a man for the last few weeks who has really forced me to think about alot of things in my life. It is probably not going to come as a surprise to anyone who reads me that my marriage was not a happy or functional one. What is surprising to me is the destruction it left in its path of my well being.
Alcoholism and addiction have been regular fixtures in my life for as long as I can remember. I was raised by alcoholic parents. I married an alcoholic, I raised a drug addict/alcoholic. My brother is an active alcoholic/addict. I am starting to see that this too has damaged me more than I was ever willing to allow myself to admit.
It has also become increasingly clear to me that I have very few people left in my life that I consider to be my friends. I am not sure if this is because I am just so self absorbed in my own mess that I no longer invest myself or if it is because I have felt slightly betrayed by those close to me, or perhaps I have just made poor choices in the people I surround myself with.
I think this is also why I have chosen to have relationships with men who are either unavailable physically or emotionally. Men who were interested in me based more on my appearance than anything else. Fooling myself into believing that I was looking for someone to love me, to take care of me, but on some level knowing that I am incapable of such a relationship at this point in my life because the damage done to me has taught me not to get too close and not too trust. To always expect the worst. I am the queen of self sabotage.
So, I meet this man towards the end of the summer, and typical me behavior, we spend some time together, go for drinks, dinner, and I do not expect or want anything more than that. I assume he is broken or damaged in some way, because, why if he wasn't, would he possibly be interested in me? So new guy as I have nicknamed him, well, he is making me stay. He wont let me run, as is my modus operandi when I feel like someone is getting too close.
It is making me see that my marriage to AH was a very bad one indeed, above and beyond his alcoholism. There was never any kind of emotional connection between us, and as I reflect back on it, I took this as rejection, that I wasn't worthy of being loved, and just kept building those walls. I managed to live the last 20 years of my life without feeling loved or worthy of being loved. I spent years building my own life, one where I could be independent and in control of all scenarios. Because losing control would be showing weakness. Showing weakness would make me human and human beings need human contact. I managed to let myself loose sight of this. Sex became something that could be used to control others, because someone desiring me, fulfilled me, and that was good enough.
Well guess what? It isn't good enough. Not anymore.