Wednesday, February 20, 2008

He wants me, if he can keep me in line...

I have been trying to find the words to begin this post for well over an hour already. Let me start by saying, I am breaking the silence.

This is the part where y'all get to tell me "I told you so". Since I first posted about my being back in the relationship with new guy there have been a few instances of violence, the details of which, I will spare you all. None of these provoked by me or instigated by me; which being the intelligent, educated women I am, I know that you never deserve abuse. But still, the other instances I can not say for sure whether or not I hit first.

New Guy had pretty much managed to move into my house unofficially. Meaning, I never invited him to, never gave him a key, and he does not contribute financially to the home. Yet, he still managed to slowly move himself in, a bag of clothes at a time, taking over some closet space, etc. I knew it, I saw it, I was sometimes OK with it and sometimes a little put off by it. So after the episodes of violence, I let go until he would calm down and then I could find a way to get him out of the house and out of my life. I know, I know, Break the Silence, call the police, have him arrested, get support from my friends and family, etc.

The fight that seemed to escalate the most was his issue with my soon to be ex-husband. He has been wanting me to call him and tell him how much I despise him and how I wasted my life with him and how bad the sex was, etc., etc., etc. Yesterday would have been my 19th wedding anniversary. I have no regrets in leaving my husband. I do not love him now and I haven't in a very long time. However, I am an adult, and I truly do not feel the need to call this man and act like a teenager and tell him how much I hate him. In fact, I really do not even hate him any longer, he is just that guy that I used to be married to. I feel nothing for him. We have children together. Granted it is not a "friendly" divorce. We do not speak, and when we do, it is quick and cold and usually involves something to do with money or my son. I have taken to keeping these conversations a secret from NG. Which is seriously ridiculous. Seriously.

Yesterday, I read Judiths comment to my Valentines Day post and it really struck a cord. I often feel the same way and have told that to NG about how nice it is to get flowers for no apparent reason especially for a freaking Hallmark holiday. Last night, NW brought me home flowers after work. For no apparent reason. We went to see my dad at the nursing home and then went out for a quick bite to eat. During dinner, his daughter called asking to be picked up from her mothers house, because there was alot of fighting and drama going on and she just wanted to come "home".

Trying to keep a long story short, during the drive to pick up his daughter we got into an argument about my oldest dearest friend and her husband, whom we had spent some time with over the weekend. She is also my cousin. Her husband is kind of a jerk who can't seem to find himself, but he has a heart of gold. He is socially inept. We have this thing where we constanly pick on each other, but it is all in good fun, we make fat jokes at each other, remarks about wrinkles, looking old and ugly etc. It has ben going on for 16 years. Well, NG took offense to this and told me he was going to say something to said friends husband the next time we saw them. It escalated into a heated argument with him smashing his cell phone into my windshield and breaking it. We picked up his daughter and although he promised to keep his cool, he continued to scream and lash out and freak out on me, in front of his daughter.

When we arrived back at my house, I told him I thought it would be best if he took his daughter home and they didnt spend the night and we would continue the conversation tomorrow (today) when he was calmer and not in front of his daughter. Well, he wasn't leaving, and he swore to be calm... yeah right. I went to bed and he came in and started the fight up again. I ignored him completely, which just further enraged him. I tried to get out of the bed and leave the room, and he blocked my way and I knew the punches were going to fly. His daughter came running into the room about the time he started spitting in my face repeatedley and spewing profanities at me. I was able to get by and get my hands on the phone and called 911. He started pcaking his things at this point, but not before he tore down my closet organizers and thrashed my room once again. I was just happy and lucky to get him out of there without catching another beating.

The police came and they kept him calm and I filed a report. The breaking of the windshield occured in a different county so if I want to pursue that I will have to file with that county today. I could have had him arrested, but his daughter would have ended up with social services and I just couldnt do that to her. The police informed me to file a report as soon as he leaves the first threatening voice mail and he will be immediately arrested. I can then file for an order of protection. He called my house this morning and left a message saying he left some of his stuff and he "accidentally" took some of my stuff and we needed to get it straight. I havent heard from him since, but it is only a matter of time before the threats start coming in.

I know I need to be free of this man. I know I deserve better. I do not lack self esteem (or maybe I do?) I just love him when the times are good and I now realize he is never going to change and he is crazy and dangerous and he will kill me someday. I do not want to be another statistic. I can not change him. I just know he will move on quickly and back to his ex girlfriend and that will hurt. Why does this bother me? Why do I care what this madman does? The sooner he moves on the safer I will be. Why am I already missing him? How exactly do I recover from this?

Ok. Breaking the silence. 'nuff said.


Wife de Dingus said...

I think you are "missing him" because it is a conflict left unresolved.

I worked in a womens shelter years ago and your story is very familiar. Your New Guy has issues you can't help him with, plain and simple.

Take care of yourself today. You did the right thing by calling 911 and especially by breaking the silence.


vicariousrising said...

It isn't quite the same at all, but I don't know if you've followed any of my saga regarding my ex-best friend. I am mightily struggling with not contacting him. I miss him terribly, yet I strongly suspect (the healthy, self-esteemed me, that is) what I miss is not the real him, it's the him I want him to be.

Staying away from this man is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. My relationship with him, which was for over 15 years, largely defined the adult me. But in the end, he was an asshole who was bad for me. My love for him was going to destroy me if I kept going back. Heck, I was thinking about leaving my husband because I was so confused about his passive/aggressive behavior with me and how he'd never be straight about anything. Even now, I still feel like it is because he is in need of help - and gosh darn it if I don't think I'm the one who can't give it to him.

It's a total mind fuck and one I have to live without. Life is better this way, even if it hurts sometimes.

I hope I didn't come off sounding pedantic and know-it-all-ish. I hate it when people do it to me and I don't mean or wish to minimize what you are going through at all. I truly care and hope for the best for you.

Tab said...

My heart goes out to La Petite.
As for you Kel..I hope you will open that god damned book I gave you and actually read it.But I know you won't - until you have reached your own codependency bottom.Good luck and stay safe.

Beth said...

Good for you, prayers and good vibes headed your way.

pat said...

I think there is a name for him and its called Border Line Personality. This man is dangerous, my friend. Is your life or that of your child's worth it? I really do not want to read about your murder in the newspaper, Kel. Please help yourself by getting help with this thing. You can't go it alone because this type of person is very good at manipulation and he will continue to suck you in.

Tab said...

No text recieved ?

Syd said...

Kel,I think that I've written this before. Get away from this person. I believe that for some reason you feel you don't deserve better but you do. What does he have to do to convince you? The guy is mentally ill. Get a sponsor and talk to that person. Go to Al-Anon or co-dependency meetings. But get some help.

working mom NYC said...

Hey, Kel--
Thanks for your honest revelations. I am just getting out of an abusive marriage (verbal abuse, plus throwing things around), and it is so freeing not to live in that state of being a hostage to someone else's mental illness. Sometimes I think he was angry because he was depressed, and for many men, rage is a "manly" way to express depression. Anyway, you are way too good for NG and this is a time when you can actually be free - from NG and from AH - it's a wonderful feeling, I tell you! That thing about keeping some of your stuff, etc. as a hook to keep you relating to him - been there, done that. Hopefully it's stuff you can just let go.

I feel (fear) for NG's daughter, and I'm sure La Petite will fare far better without NG in his life.

I can't wait to see you!
Big hug,

Misery Marketing said...

Hey Kel, Sorry this is so tough. It makes me think of the movie Old Yellow. Dont shoot him though. Just get away.

I just got back from Dads surgery and it didnt go well. Looks like radiation and fighting it for a few years. The doc said we are shooting for 2 more years. I guess I better hurry up a grow up since he is always the one bailing me out of jams. I so grateful I moved a block away from him a few years ago. Hey heres a thought: maybe your poor relationship choices and quick attatchments have something to do with you being scared of losing your Dad. Wow. I am sooo unqualified to play cyber-psychiatrist but its just a thought. Of coarse understanding things doesnt ever really change what we have to go through to deal with them.

Pam said...

I lived in that house darlin'.
This is what I learned about me. When I missed him...what I was really feeling was the death of a dream.
I had a "dream" of how it could be with him. As long as he was around, even thru the violence there was a CHANCE that the dream could come true. When he was was as if the Dream had to die also.
It's hard to give up a dream isn't it?
It's OK darlin'
Where you are is OK.
It's OK to let a dream die.

Beth said...

hey you... update please...

working mom NYC said...

Hey, Kel--
How are things? Your many readers want you to post again! I finally did....
Hope you're well, and that we can meet again soon.

Misery Marketing said...

Hey Kel, I hope you are doing ok.