My mother asked me last week if I was sure I wanted to end my marriage and buy this house together. I said I was sure about the new house and that ending the marriage was not something I could say was something I was sure about, but it was something I needed to do. My mother, while she is my closest friend, has been instrumental in alot of the decisions I have made in my life. When I told my parents I was pregnant and 20 and planned on getting married, she ran out the next day and planned a wedding, found an OBGYN for me, and my parents began the process of dormering the house so we would have a nice, safe place to live.
I do not mean to sound ungrateful. But sometimes she just steamrolls me and I don't know WTF happened. When I was pregnant with La Petit, the Prince was 5 years old and one day, while cleaning, I discovered that AH had been selling cocaine. He was a social user (if that is possible) in his teens and he had to stop when he took his job that random drug tests. I found a large amount of cocaine in his work bag, and hundreds of smaller little packages. I flushed it down the toilet and could not breathe. I woke him up a few hours later (he worked nights and slept during the day) and told him he needed to get the F out of bed, pack up his stuff and get out of my house.
We argued and argued and I was feeling so physically ill I did not know which direction to turn. I was 26 years old, I didn't have much of an education, just a few college credits, not much of a career path ahead of me, a 5 year old son, another baby on the way, and a drug dealing husband. My mother suggested that my options were so limited that I should stay where I was and make the best of a bad situation, go to counseling and put the whole thing behind me.
AH is the king of pretending something didn't happen. So I took her advice and stayed. A few weeks later my husband was put out of service for 6 or 8 weeks for drinking alcohol on the job. The next day I went into early labor and delivered La Petit 6 weeks early. I really didn't know he was an alcoholic at the time or maybe I did. I think I thrived on the stress and drama. It got to always be all about me and my problem De Jour.
Well, 18 years into this marriage later, I am still not sure what I want to do. My parents are starting to put pressure on me, how good he is to my Dad, how there is so much worse out there, the devil I know, etc. I know I need to end this. There is no love between us and I am so f-ing tired of being alone even when he is there. I am so tired of being responsible for everything and he takes none. This is not a family or remotely close to one. He wants to live a different life now. I can see it more and more. He likes to be on his own when La Petit and I are away for the weekend. He is making plans, starting to connect with old friends. He is ready to continue his alcoholic life without us.