Tuesday, September 04, 2007

My need is such I pretend too much, I'm lonely but no one can tell

My mother asked me last week if I was sure I wanted to end my marriage and buy this house together. I said I was sure about the new house and that ending the marriage was not something I could say was something I was sure about, but it was something I needed to do. My mother, while she is my closest friend, has been instrumental in alot of the decisions I have made in my life. When I told my parents I was pregnant and 20 and planned on getting married, she ran out the next day and planned a wedding, found an OBGYN for me, and my parents began the process of dormering the house so we would have a nice, safe place to live.

I do not mean to sound ungrateful. But sometimes she just steamrolls me and I don't know WTF happened. When I was pregnant with La Petit, the Prince was 5 years old and one day, while cleaning, I discovered that AH had been selling cocaine. He was a social user (if that is possible) in his teens and he had to stop when he took his job that random drug tests. I found a large amount of cocaine in his work bag, and hundreds of smaller little packages. I flushed it down the toilet and could not breathe. I woke him up a few hours later (he worked nights and slept during the day) and told him he needed to get the F out of bed, pack up his stuff and get out of my house.

We argued and argued and I was feeling so physically ill I did not know which direction to turn. I was 26 years old, I didn't have much of an education, just a few college credits, not much of a career path ahead of me, a 5 year old son, another baby on the way, and a drug dealing husband. My mother suggested that my options were so limited that I should stay where I was and make the best of a bad situation, go to counseling and put the whole thing behind me.

AH is the king of pretending something didn't happen. So I took her advice and stayed. A few weeks later my husband was put out of service for 6 or 8 weeks for drinking alcohol on the job. The next day I went into early labor and delivered La Petit 6 weeks early. I really didn't know he was an alcoholic at the time or maybe I did. I think I thrived on the stress and drama. It got to always be all about me and my problem De Jour.

Well, 18 years into this marriage later, I am still not sure what I want to do. My parents are starting to put pressure on me, how good he is to my Dad, how there is so much worse out there, the devil I know, etc. I know I need to end this. There is no love between us and I am so f-ing tired of being alone even when he is there. I am so tired of being responsible for everything and he takes none. This is not a family or remotely close to one. He wants to live a different life now. I can see it more and more. He likes to be on his own when La Petit and I are away for the weekend. He is making plans, starting to connect with old friends. He is ready to continue his alcoholic life without us.

10 comments:

Alcoholic Brain said...

Great post. If you are lovable, that's what you deserve. It's hard to do the "right thing." You're in my prayers...

Tab said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tab said...

Kel~As you move along your new journey in letting go , you may find yourself tuning in more closely to your intuitions and feeling more confident in the choices you make in your life as a smart beatiful independent woman.
Your Mom will see that too.She has nothing but good intentions.
I believe you are doing what is right because YOU do.Keep taking good care my friend..
and give your Ma' a hug from me:)
love Tab xo

Syd said...

Kel, I know what you are saying. It is painful due to guilt but as my sponsor says, "Screw guilt". You just need to do what is right for you.

pat said...

I do not want to be one of those people who tells you what to do because everyone MUST make their own decisions in this life. However, I can relate to all of what you are saying because I went through this same exact thing with my own parents when I made the decision to end my own marriage after 24 years. As a matter of fact, they did not speak to me for three months because I left HIM. All I can say is that I needed to make that decision because I was dying inside. I could not envision my life living the way in which I was living. It was a bold move on my part, a really bold move and today three years later I have no regrets. It was not easy. Change is never easy but sometimes very necessary. Lots of hugs.....

Mary Christine said...

These things are so hard. I am sorry that you are going through it.

Thanks for your kind comment on my blog today. I do appreciate it.

Beth said...

If you know that the road you're taking is the right one for you don't let people make you second guess yourself, especially your family.

TodayTodayToday said...

Damn this life business. Sorry to hear you started smoking again. I started again 5 months ago after 10 years. I dont care. I like it and I know I will quit again someday in the next year. Anyway being alone sucks especially when you are married. Mothers suck especially when the were raised south of Tennesee. Thanks for the concern about the meds. Now Ive gone two days without anything only because Im to self absorbed to go to the pharmacy. I dont feel too bad physically right now but obviously Im not in great mental or spiritual shape and I never know if its real or med related but my pesimisism(?) does seem to surface when I screw up and dont stay on my meds regular. Maybe its just how I feel when the meds arent covering it up or maybe its being away from the meds themselves. Anyway I hope you get through this inevitable divorce bullshit becuase I know that someone as interesting as you with a silhouette as good looking as you will be able to enjoy many more fullfilling or pure fun relationships in the future. I know I could do the same but I havent completely destroyed my marriage yet so I guess I'll hang on for a while and see how it turns out. I think you are right in resisting the marriage break up even when its obviously right and inevitable because you dont want any woulda, shoulda, couldas later.

MICKY said...

ONCE MORE
Once more unto the meeting, dear STEPPERS, once more;
or close the Group up with our Chairman dead.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest STEPPISM, and INSANITY:
But when the blast of the “drunkalogues” blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the ZOMBIE;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye to HOW IT WORKS;
Let it pry through the portage of the head
Like the brass cannon; let the mind be PROGRAMMED
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O'erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill'd with the wild and wasteful SHAPE SHIFTING REPTILES.
Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide
Hold hard the breath and bend up every BRAIN CELL
To his full height. On, on, you noble STEPPER
Whose mind is completely gone!
Fathers that, like so many PSYCHOPATHS
Have in these parts from morn till even fought
And sheathed their BIG BOOKS for lack of argument:
Dishonour not your SPONSORS; now attest
That those whom you called “old-timers” did beget you.
Be copy now to men of grosser blood,
And teach them how to go INSANE. And you, good woman,
Whose brain was altered with BUCHMANISM, show us here
The mettle of your pasture; let us 13th STEP you
That you are worth your breeding; which I doubt not;
For there is none of you so mean and base,
That hath not noble LUST in your eyes.
I see you stand like BILL & BOB HEADS in the slips,
Straining upon the start. The game's afoot:
Follow your SPONSOR, and upon this charge
Cry “KEEP COMING BACK!” IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT!
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
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HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

MICKY said...

Greetings Kel
Do you believe that you are a sinner? Did you know that Jesus Christ died on a cross for your sins, Kel? Do you know that you are altering your brain structure by attending AA? AA and the 12 Steps are Satanic - there is no mention of JESUS CHRIST!! Think about it Kel? The people in AA don't care about you because they are Satan's disciples. I care about your ETERNAL soul, Kel! I beg you to get out, now!! Believe me, Kel! I love you, Kel?
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY