Wednesday, August 01, 2007

So, I'd settle for one day to believe in you...

Yesterday I was feeling so tired, depressed and overwhelmed with life that I had to call in sick and climb back into bed for a few hours. This is not necessarily a complete digression from my norm, I just need to do this once in a while to catch up with myself.

I am still feeling quite depressed. I continue to feel disappointed and let down by those around me, and I find it ridiculous that I still let these same transgressions get to me time and time again.

My mother in law stopped by for a visit yesterday after she dropped the Prince off at a friends house in our town. She told me she found empty beer bottles in the Princes room and he has come home smelling like alcohol a few times in the last week. Smelling of alcohol but not visibly intoxicated. She did not tell his grandfather this because it will possibly mean he will be asked to find a new place to live if he finds out. She feels that maybe he can learn to control his drinking and just drink socially now. I had to bite down on my lip to stifle the laugh that was growing from deep within me. YEAH RIGHT. I tried, yet again, to explain that the Prince is a master of manipulation and she is enabling him by not calling him out on it and allowing it to continue in her home and that when this progresses and I know it will, how is she going to feel.

She replied with, well he is going to an NA meeting once a week. I told her once a week does not a program make especially since he refuses to work steps, get a sponsor, and embrace sobriety. She is incredibly naive and I will feel bad for her when the shit hits with the Prince, cause I can see it coming. But for the first time in a long time, I am able to function in spite of this knowledge. I think as far as his disease is concerned, I am letting go just a little bit more each day. Maybe it is because I do not see him or speak to him very often these days. Or maybe I am finally giving him the space and dignity he needs from me to fail or succeed. Maybe I am starting to believe in him just a little bit that he will one day get it.

In other ancient history news, the Italian's GF continues the harassment. It is actually becoming quite comical. Last night, my doorbell rang at around 9:30. It was a pizza delivery man with a couple of pies that I did not order. I mean c'mon... sending pizza? Is this the best she's got?? At least be original and send a bucket of chicken. I tipped the kid a few bucks so as to not screw him and called the pizza place and they gave me her # off of the caller ID so I know it was she who sent them. Sloppy work on top of unoriginal.

As some of you may have read over by the Tabster... Friday begins my vacation with a quick stopover in Tabbies neck of the woods where we will have the chance to meet in real life and share a few smiles, laughs and of course lattes. What a beautiful thing this blogsphere is isn't it???


Anonymous said...

How nice for you to meet Tab and spend a bit of time together!
It does sound as though you are letting go a bit. This post had a somewhat different tone in reference to the Prince.
And yes, a pizza? Is she in high school or what? Wait, that's even more like jr. high! Good G-d.
Peace, kel,
P.S. So you are a Fleetwood Mac fan?

pat said...

I am proud of you Kel. In spite of all the chaos around you,you are doing OK. As far as your mother-in-law, she is doing what we all did at one time, she is in denial. As far as your son, I believe he has a long way to go before he gets it. Sadly, many drug addicts in NA believe they can drink. They feel as long as they are not doing drugs,it is OK. They really do not understand the concept of sobriety. I was told that addiction starts between the ages of 12 and 22 and does not stop until around 35 so that means I may have another 10 years with Josh unless he kills himself first. I feel for you Kel, I really do. This entire thing with our sons suck.

Syd said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Syd said...

Kel, it's progress that you aren't trying to control your son. I'm glad that you will have a vacation and meet up with Tab. I'm sure that there won't be a pizza trail there.

Beth said...

Good for you on letting go, ain't easy I know... but you are doing it. I've had instances when I hate to bite my tongue on more than one occasion with my MIL... you're not alone on that one. Glad to hear you are taking everything in stride.

Tab said...

Nobody said letting go would be easy.I think the depression is all part of the process to acceptance.
And you have alot of changes in your heart,mind,and um..LIFE!
{{I was deeply touched in your last sentence about the Prince Kel}}
I am stoked we get to meet and hang out tomorrow!!!!
Hope you are catching your breath and just staying in the day :)
love Tab xo

Alcoholic Brain said...

Kel, you have come a long way since I first started reading your blog. Good for you. I can see you starting to "let go" of situations you cannot control. Courage: To feel the fear but do it anyway. It usually isn't fatal. We are just afraid it might be...

Tab said...

((Missing you))

Trudging said...

I hope things are going well.