Monday, July 30, 2007

I'll wait for you there, Alone...

I have been struggling with my feelings lately. My feelings about getting older, about being alone vs. being lonely, feelings of dissappointment, rejection. You name it, I am feeling it.

Let me begin at the beginning here. I recently turned 39. Began my fourtieth year. My Prince no has not lived with me since November of 2006. He refers to his grandparents house as his "home" now. I have just put an offer on a two family house I am interested in buying so I can share a residence with my parents and help my mother with my father as his health deteriorates at a rapid pace. I mentioned this to the AH over the weekend and he made no reference to whether he was invited to join us or not. So in a matter of a few short months I will probably, finally be divorced. It will be just La Petite and I and my parents. Somehow this seems like a great big step backward not forward.

I spoke with my therapist last week about my contuinued reluctance to leave this man whom I have not felt romantic love for in a very, very long time. A man who does not meet or fulfill a single one of my needs, a man who treats his children like third class citizens. And yet, I am still plagued with doubts. And I think I am finally understanding why. I am hurt that he doesnt want me either. Arent I just a bit too old to be feeling this way? Still the constant need to be needed, just a little girl wanting to be wanted by a boy? I am scared to death that I will end up alone and yet I have alone for the better part of 10 years. This man does not fulfill me emotionally, physically or spiritually. It is like I have a tenant living in my house who occasionally eats meals with us and runs errands for me.

I guess I have always been reluctant to feel my feelings. This is perhaps the reason why I have excelled in co-dependency. My therapist suggested that my self esteem seems to be at issue here. That I do not feel that I am worthy of being loved. As I reflect on this I realize that the two men in my life that I always thought would love and want me, well they do not. The soul mate moved on and lives a parrallel life to me. Life with an active alcoholic that he thinks he can cure, and her son that he thiks he can save. And AH, it seems has had enough and is willing to travel his owns life path now. With no interference or emasculation from me.

So it will be just me. What a strange journey this will be, and I hope you will all stay by my side as I travel it.

6 comments:

Beth said...

It's an interesting road ahead of you... and I'll be there cheering you on... just go at your own pace.

pat said...

Kel,
You will never be alone in your journey and one day you will discover that you are indeed a person worth love. Never never feel like you are alone.

Hugs and support always,
Pat

Tab said...

I'm not going anywhere.
Nope.
Tab xo

Pat said...

Kel,
You don't know me, but I know you. I have known so many people in your space in life and have loved them and tried to help them to find the goodness inside themselves.
Let me explain: Part of my desire to help others is because I have been down that road too. I have been divorced and widowed and I do understand. I have been a Facilitator in a group at my church for the past 11 years. this group includes people who are separated, divorced or widowed. You have taken the first step in making your way to a new life, because you have the guts to express your pain. Many do not do that, just hold on to the grief and become angry, unforgiving, lonely people. Don't know about your spiritual beliefs, but you must know that The Creator does not create junk. You are a masterpiece of His, you just have to recognize that.
I have turned my understanding into articles on the net. You may visit there by putting my name, Patricia Hubbard into Google, which will lead you to some of my helpful articles, free for the asking. Look for the ones with EzineArticles in the address, click on one of them and that will lead you to all of my articles.
There is another Patricia Hubbard who writes for children, that is not me, sorry to say, (she is in a quite lucritive business.)
Don't give up, don't give in. You are a valuable child of God. I wish you the best! Pat

Redhead Gal said...

Hi Kel,

I hope you have a great visit with Tab. You are certainly in a new place in your life, but you have the ability to make the most of it, I can tell by reading your blog.

just another addict said...

I am right beside you. You are NEVER alone, kel.
Peace,
Scout