I have been struggling with my feelings lately. My feelings about getting older, about being alone vs. being lonely, feelings of dissappointment, rejection. You name it, I am feeling it.
Let me begin at the beginning here. I recently turned 39. Began my fourtieth year. My Prince no has not lived with me since November of 2006. He refers to his grandparents house as his "home" now. I have just put an offer on a two family house I am interested in buying so I can share a residence with my parents and help my mother with my father as his health deteriorates at a rapid pace. I mentioned this to the AH over the weekend and he made no reference to whether he was invited to join us or not. So in a matter of a few short months I will probably, finally be divorced. It will be just La Petite and I and my parents. Somehow this seems like a great big step backward not forward.
I spoke with my therapist last week about my contuinued reluctance to leave this man whom I have not felt romantic love for in a very, very long time. A man who does not meet or fulfill a single one of my needs, a man who treats his children like third class citizens. And yet, I am still plagued with doubts. And I think I am finally understanding why. I am hurt that he doesnt want me either. Arent I just a bit too old to be feeling this way? Still the constant need to be needed, just a little girl wanting to be wanted by a boy? I am scared to death that I will end up alone and yet I have alone for the better part of 10 years. This man does not fulfill me emotionally, physically or spiritually. It is like I have a tenant living in my house who occasionally eats meals with us and runs errands for me.
I guess I have always been reluctant to feel my feelings. This is perhaps the reason why I have excelled in co-dependency. My therapist suggested that my self esteem seems to be at issue here. That I do not feel that I am worthy of being loved. As I reflect on this I realize that the two men in my life that I always thought would love and want me, well they do not. The soul mate moved on and lives a parrallel life to me. Life with an active alcoholic that he thinks he can cure, and her son that he thiks he can save. And AH, it seems has had enough and is willing to travel his owns life path now. With no interference or emasculation from me.
So it will be just me. What a strange journey this will be, and I hope you will all stay by my side as I travel it.