Thursday, August 23, 2007

Their anger hurts my ears...

It has been a extremely eventful week. My house is sold. I made an offer on a two family house with my parents, and it was accepted, and my parents have accepted an offer on their home as well. It would seem that by sometime mid-November, I will be divorced, and living in a two family home with La Petit, my parents and myself, in a new neighborhood beginning a new life. I am frightened and excited.

I heard through the grapevine that AH is planning on moving into Queens, which is about 35 miles or so from where we are moving. It seems that taking an active, continuous, and involved role in the lives of his boys, is simply not on his agenda. I do not know why I am letting this bother me so much. His living arrangements are being influenced by his own needs and convenience. My living arrangements are being influenced by the needs of my children and my parents. Ideally, this is not what I would like to be doing. I am going to be forty years old and I am going to move in with my parents. I am going to be a single woman. Way to score a love life with mom and dad living below me. I would love to move closer to my job to cut out some of my commuting time, but it would be unfair of me to do that to La Petit, to move him where he doesn't know a soul, 30 miles away from his friends and family. So I am making the sacrifice. As I always do. I am taking one for the team.

I am starting to feel like I am the one who is always making the sacrifices. That there will never be a time just for me. AH gets to drop what little responsibility he has, and rent a cheap apartment to keep his expenses down and I have to be the responsible one to buy a home in a solid neighborhood with good schools and strap myself financially. And LP is the one who has to suffer for it. I fear he will start to develop abandonment issues. First the Prince left and now his Dad. If I felt confident that AH would stay involved in his life I would not be so worried. But when a boy loses all of the men in his life to alcoholism, addiction and divorce, what is this setting him up for in the future?


Tab said...

These sacrifices are gifts Kel.
You will see what a priviledge it will have been to have always been there for your boys.I understand your frustrations and resentments today though, I really do.
As for the lack of men in thier lives,you are powerless over that one but the family values are in full force with exactly how you are living your life with them today.Believe that Kel.
I think you are doing an amazing job juggling what you need to right now and wow..I am so stoked the houses are all working out now.
THe divorce will be a turning point I bet.Then you will have to get a larger car,maybe a caddy,to make out with your dates in the back seat with your parents in the house and it's not a very cold
I love you Kel..things are looking up.Keep sharing when you can:)
Lots of love always,
Tabster xoxo

Beth said...

A home of your own... are you kidding me? As a kid, it was the only thing I dreamed about. It is a sacrifice I think your kids will be grateful for and what better to go into debt for, if you ask me. AS for what is in store for your kid... no one knows but, I think you will have a kid with a good sense of who he is and wants to be and someone who is willing to do the right thing despite how hard it is. Just because he's got shitty men in his life doesn't mean that he will take after them... I imagine he will take after the ones he admires and looks up to, which is probably not AH and Prince.

pat said...

Change is hard. Divorce is harder. Making the right choices for our kids is the hardest. Remember it is darkest before the dawn but soon you will expereince the warmth and happiness and the security of the light. Man, I really sound like a ham or a ham bone as my grandson would say.

MICKY said...

Greetings Kel
About 3 years ago I dropped into a black hole – four months of absolute terror. I wanted to end my life, but somehow [Holy Spirit], I reached out to a friend who took me to hospital. I had three visits [hospital] in four months – I actually thought I was in hell. I imagine I was going through some sort of metamorphosis [mental, physical & spiritual]. I had been seeing a therapist [1994] on a regular basis, up until this point in time. I actually thought I would be locked away – but the hospital staff was very supportive [I had no control over my process]. I was released from hospital 16th September 2004, but my fear, pain & guilt had only subsided a little. I remember this particular morning waking up [home] & my process would start up again [fear, pain, & shame]. No one could help me, not even my therapist [I was absolutely terrified]. I asked Jesus Christ to have mercy on me & forgive me my sins. Slowly, all my fear has dissipated & I believe Jesus delivered me from my “psychological prison.” I am a practicing Catholic & the Holy Spirit is my friend & strength; every day since then has been a joy & blessing. I deserve to go to HELL for the life I have led, but Jesus through His sacrifice on the cross, delivered me from my inequities. John 3: 8, John 15: 26, are verses I can relate to, organically. He’s a real person who is with me all the time. I have so much joy & peace in my life, today, after a childhood spent in orphanages . God LOVES me so much. Fear, pain, & shame, are no longer my constant companions. I just wanted to share my experience with you [Luke 8: 16 – 17].I love you, Kel, and you will be in my prayers.