Thursday, June 26, 2008

Leave, but don't leave me...

The weekend after I buried my Father, was also the last weekend the Prince was living home with me. He is still drug free, we still speak to each other almost daily, and I still see him often. It is just that we aren't meant to live together. As sad as that makes me.

Being a drug addict, mind you a drug addict who is not currently using, the Prince has long ago mastered the art of manipulation and bullying as a tactic to getting his way. He loves to play the victim, make it all about him.

He very quickly got very comfortable living at my house. Part of the arrangement was he was to secure some kind of employment. He has yet to do so. So I was supporting him and his girlfriend. They would leave me shopping lists of the foods they wanted, they were ordering movies daily off of the pay per view. I was paying for their cigarettes. His sobriety is always so important to me and I felt I was doing what I had to do to keep him clean. Right back to the old enabling ways.

When they first moved in, they made sure to have the house clean before I arrived home from work and to at least start dinner and help La Petit with his homework. The clean house thing is a serious pet peeve of mine. Its my house, I work hard, I like, no I demand it to be kept the way I leave it. So I started coming home to a sink full of dishes, computer wires etc., running through the house, overflowing ashtrays, their room just disgusting and smelly. I was started to really loose it, and it was creating a lot of tension. Especially since he was not looking for work, the only interviews he had gone on, were ones I set up for him. The girlfriend managed to find herself a part time gig at a local supermarket.

The day after my Father passed, to go the funeral parlour to make the arrangements for his wake, my former mother in law was taking my boys shopping to get suits. This created a conflict about who was going to pick up the girlfriend from her job at 4 pm. This healthy, 18 year old girl is apparently unwilling or unable to walk the 2 miles from the supermarket to our home or inconvenience her own family to pick her up. My son called me furious that I had the audacity to be at the funeral parlour and was therefore unavailable to play chauffeur to his girlfriend.

Later in the week, during the wake etc., my Prince had reconnected with alot of his cousins he hadn't seen during all of the years he was out getting high. He started making plans to get together with alot of them. The day after my fathers burial, I was very, very happy to have the out of town relatives, etc., pack up and go home. I am basically a quiet person, I needed my space and quiet. Time alone to work through my feelings and my loss. The Prince tells me his cousin from the East end was going to be coming out and spending the weekend. I told him, no, that was going to happen, this was not a family reunion. He was not going to use my father's death to throw a party for his long lost cousins. He got angry with me. Whatever. So I asked him if he could spend the weekend at his girlfriends house just so I could have some peace. They grudgingly obliged. He stopped in over the weekend to pick up some clothes and he saw that La Petit was home, he was somehow under the impression that he would not be "allowed" in the house for the weekend either. He flipped out and said, "I'll see you in a few months" and stormed out of the house.

I was deeply hurt by his behavior. He was just so hurtful and mean to me. I couldn't believe it. I felt as though I was punched in the face. The old Prince, although clean, was rearing his ugly head. I wish I could say that I miss him living with me, but when he is there, there is no peace or serenity. And I worked too hard to have that in my home.


mother of drug addict said...

I know exactly how you feel, Kelly has been gone a week today, and though I doubt she is clean, I still miss her. I hate argueing with my kids it actually hurts my heart to do so but sometimes it cant be helped. Hopefully they will grow up and realize all we are trying to do is to get them to be responsible adults. Enjoy your peace.

Beth said...

Sometimes the family thing is best done at a distance. Good luck adjusting.

Syd said...

Detaching is a good concept. It's something that is hard to do but has great results. He may storm about, get angry, etc. but in the long run, you have to take care of yourself. Enabling just doesn't work and in fact does harm to both parties.

BHM said...

I hope he is not using,because it sounds like he might be. We let Andrew & a girlfriend live with us till their lazy & demanding behavior finally wore us down. Turns out they were using the whole time.That explained why he never worked & she had a "part time gig" at the supermarket also.
Anyway,I feel you've done the right thing. You need this time to grieve your father, not cater to manipulative selfishness.

Misery Marketing said...

Newly sober angry to be sober people suck. They feel intitled to everythin because they are sacrificing so much. Sure he coud be using but so what. Thats his business. What type of treatment you will live with in your house is your business.

pat said...

It is time for the Prince to grow up and take responsibility for his own life. You did the right thing so do not allow yourself to feel guilty. Hugs. It has been a tough few months for you.

Trailboss said...

I too know how you feel. I love my pill popping son but I don't want to be around him. In fact my husband told him that I do not want to see him nor talk to him until he gets help for his addiction. It was hard at first but it gets easier every day. You see, when he is using I don't like being around him AT ALL. So, I have decided that being an adult I can set the rules for my own serenity.

Syd is right about the enabling. I did it so long with my son when he lived with us (3 years and didn't save a nickel). When he bought his house just 3 miles from us I was thrilled. Now the house is set up to be auctioned off. He hasn't made a mortgage payment in over a year. It is so sad to see what addiction can and will do to a person. I can only turn it over to God and then take care of myself.

Enjoy your peaceful moments.

vicariousrising said...

My heart hurts for you, but your serenity or some semblance of it has to come first. You can't help him if he isn't willing to help himself. Still, I bet it is so hard that you can't just shake some sense into him, even after everything he's put you through.

Lots of love to you always.