Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Co-dependent??? Me?????

I received the most enlightening comments from Alcoholic Brain on my post of August 9th. I don't know how many thousands of dollars I have spent and the countless hours in therapy, but one comment from a fellow blogger, and I was knocked out!! Co-dependent? Me?? Wow. I mean seriously. Shouldn't I have picked up on this by now??

Sometimes I guess it takes an outsider to point out the obvious I guess. I have been so busy trying to save everyone around me, that I tend to lose myself in the process. I have had a miserable marriage pretty much from day one. I don't love the man any longer and I haven't in a very long time. I often question whether or not I ever did. I don't need him necessarily finacially any more, I have a better job and make more money. He has lost his ambition years ago and has pretty much remained stagnant in his job for the last 17 years. I guess that is part of his disease. It is coming out more and more in the princes therapy that his father and his drinking are a huge part of his problem. My own therapist, who has known AH for years as we all went to him for family therapy when the prince began his problems, at one point asked that AH not come back to family therapy as he didn't participate, he was difficult and was not helping matters. He also questions me on a regular basis as to why I am still with him, and refers to him as a cancer. Like as in, if I surgically remove the cancer from my life, it will hurt and it will leave a scar but I will heal and be well again.

We have separate bedrooms. We have not been intimate in I can not tell you how long. But we don't fight a lot, and for the most part we try to function as a family. While we were on the cruise, I tried to talk to him about his drinking, and the problems it causes and he turned it around and blamed me and said I don't sleep with him, blah blah blah, and that he wouldn't stop drinking but he would control it. Yeah. Right. He is also lazy. And selfish. Our lawn is so overgrown it is embarrassing. The neighbors are commenting. He said he was "letting it grow out". If it isn't done by the weekend, I am hiring a service. He tends to oversleep in the mornings. Guess drinking a bottle of vodka alone in bed at night tends to make you sleepy in the mornings, and the prince gets picked up at 730 and I leave right after that. Last week, I realized he was still home when we were leaving, and he should be on the train by 545 if he wants to make it to work on time at 7 a.m. So I woke him up and he got up and acted like he was leaving right after us. My neighbor told me he was home until at least 11. Now, I'm not unreasonable, but I don't think it is right to go to work late at your convenience, when I am running my ass back and forth every day, getting in late for work, and leaving a bit early, and working at home at night to make up for it so I can get the prince and my little guy off to their programs and be home early enough to get there when they do. I am exhausted. And it just pisses me off that I deal with everything. He has needed a car for months. More than months. But again, he is too lazy to deal with looking for one. He finally finds one last week and he tells me on Monday, that he is nervous it will be gone when he goes back for it so he is thinking of leaving work early to go get it. I'm like.... Are you F-ing kidding me????? You cant leave early to get your kids, but you can leave early to get a car???? I just walked away.

I could go on for page and pages about this, but it is actually starting to give me anxiety. So co-dependent. Huh. Who knew there was an actual word for it. I thought I was just weak and stupid.