Having some really mixed feelings about the holidays and the loss of my Dad this past spring. I feel as though I should miss him more than I do. I keep having this same reoccurring dream about him, that he dies, we all go to his funeral, and then it turns out he wasn't really dead after all, and he is back, and then he just dies again. In the dream, I am thinking how my job just isn't going to believe this and won't give me the time off to go to his funeral again.
My father had been so sick for so long, that it was difficult to be around him. Painful almost. He suffered a massive stroke many years ago that left him paralyzed on his left side, then throw in the pancreatic cancer, numerous surgeries, and chemo therapy and it was like looking at the walking dead. It was difficult for him to get around, he walked with a cane, but very, very slowly. He fell more often then he did not. He lost control of his bowels not long before he entered the hospital for the last time. He would often vomit violently without notice and for hours on end. He had no life, and little dignity left for the last few years.
Being around made me anxious and nervous. I could barely stand to watch him fall. It just broke my heart to see him so sick, so broken. Although I miss my father, I am almost grateful that he is no longer with us. It just seems fairer that he is out of his misery, although he fought like hell to stay in this world. And that is where I feel so guilty.
I often long for the days of my early twenties when he was sick, but still functioned in life. My children were young, and although I was never happily married, I was content enough. Drugs, alcohol and addiction hadn't had their evil way with my family yet. Everything now is just, well, its just different. My mother is sad and lonely and drunk on wine most of the time. Her health isn't great and she doesn't seem to care. My Prince seems to be clean, I see him often enough, but I often have doubts if he is using by the hours he sometimes keeps. Sober people don't stay in bed till 5 or 6 in the evening on a Sunday, you know?
So I think I will throw out some gratitude for the things in the life that I do have to try to lift me up a bit this day.
- That I have a job that should remain secure through the fiscal nightmare our country is going through.
- La Petit having a better week in school so far and seems to be making a little more effort to take it a little more serious.
- For the pretty red wrapping paper I am using to wrap all of my presents in. I haven't done that in a really long time and it just looks so elegant.
- For the sweet man I am still dating. Taking it slow and easy in this relationship is nice.
- The Prince having and maintaining a decent job. I don't think he fully understands how bad the economy and job market is, and how lucky he is to have a job in the first place.
- For my precious puppy Saki, Sorry Lou, I am all about the my dog!! He is the love of my life and I have never been an animal person!
- For good friends that don't turn heir backs on me because I as bad at returning phone calls as I am about keeping my blog up to date.
- The gym membership I purchased a few weeks ago,haven't made it there yet, but I do have my gym bag in the car, just ready and waiting for me to get motivated.
- For all of the great bloggers out there that continue to awe and inspire me with their experience, strength and hope.