Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Why do you come here? And why do you hang around?

Good morning all. Yes, I'm still around, just feeling incredibly lazy about blogging. I still check in with you all each morning though.

Having some really mixed feelings about the holidays and the loss of my Dad this past spring. I feel as though I should miss him more than I do. I keep having this same reoccurring dream about him, that he dies, we all go to his funeral, and then it turns out he wasn't really dead after all, and he is back, and then he just dies again. In the dream, I am thinking how my job just isn't going to believe this and won't give me the time off to go to his funeral again.

My father had been so sick for so long, that it was difficult to be around him. Painful almost. He suffered a massive stroke many years ago that left him paralyzed on his left side, then throw in the pancreatic cancer, numerous surgeries, and chemo therapy and it was like looking at the walking dead. It was difficult for him to get around, he walked with a cane, but very, very slowly. He fell more often then he did not. He lost control of his bowels not long before he entered the hospital for the last time. He would often vomit violently without notice and for hours on end. He had no life, and little dignity left for the last few years.

Being around made me anxious and nervous. I could barely stand to watch him fall. It just broke my heart to see him so sick, so broken. Although I miss my father, I am almost grateful that he is no longer with us. It just seems fairer that he is out of his misery, although he fought like hell to stay in this world. And that is where I feel so guilty.

I often long for the days of my early twenties when he was sick, but still functioned in life. My children were young, and although I was never happily married, I was content enough. Drugs, alcohol and addiction hadn't had their evil way with my family yet. Everything now is just, well, its just different. My mother is sad and lonely and drunk on wine most of the time. Her health isn't great and she doesn't seem to care. My Prince seems to be clean, I see him often enough, but I often have doubts if he is using by the hours he sometimes keeps. Sober people don't stay in bed till 5 or 6 in the evening on a Sunday, you know?

So I think I will throw out some gratitude for the things in the life that I do have to try to lift me up a bit this day.

  • That I have a job that should remain secure through the fiscal nightmare our country is going through.
  • La Petit having a better week in school so far and seems to be making a little more effort to take it a little more serious.
  • For the pretty red wrapping paper I am using to wrap all of my presents in. I haven't done that in a really long time and it just looks so elegant.
  • For the sweet man I am still dating. Taking it slow and easy in this relationship is nice.
  • The Prince having and maintaining a decent job. I don't think he fully understands how bad the economy and job market is, and how lucky he is to have a job in the first place.
  • For my precious puppy Saki, Sorry Lou, I am all about the my dog!! He is the love of my life and I have never been an animal person!
  • For good friends that don't turn heir backs on me because I as bad at returning phone calls as I am about keeping my blog up to date.
  • The gym membership I purchased a few weeks ago,haven't made it there yet, but I do have my gym bag in the car, just ready and waiting for me to get motivated.
  • For all of the great bloggers out there that continue to awe and inspire me with their experience, strength and hope.


J-Online said...

Great list. This time of year can really be difficult when it comes to missing loved ones. I hope you can remember the good times and feel a sense of peace. Many blessings, Jen

Cat said...

Kel your description of your father in his end stages left me feeling vulnerable, like good writing can only do.

I have found lately that when I am feeling a little unmotivated making that list of good stuff is so very helpful to clear my head.

I am glad your posting and have missed ya!

Syd said...

Coincidentally, I'm missing my dad today too. I'm glad that my dad was healthy up to the end and died peacefully in his sleep. Thanks for sharing about your dad.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Thank you for sharing about your father, this time of year can be difficult for those who have lost family and I am grateful for your post on missing family and your dream. When I feel vulnerable and lost I do at time find list making for what I do have is really amazing.

Many hugs to you and thank you for your blog,

Lou said...

You were by your father's side the last couple weeks. You have no reason to feel guilt. Do you think he is whole & healthy now? I believe in an afterlife, so I think his pain is gone. And I believe he sees you making strong choices, and it makes him joyful.
If you look back on the last couple years, you are in a better place all around. Your gratitude list is great.
Except for the dog part...(pic?)

steveroni said...

Hi, Kel. I've been reading you, but haven't commented lately. Dja miss me? Yeah, ya know--it's ALL ABOUT ME! Right?

NOT about your father who had a helluva hard time of it during his last years.

NOT about your wine-bottle-toting mom who has no clue what "it" is.

NOT about you, who is doing so well, coping with children--O God, bless you mothers everywhere!-- (Short prayer there!).

NOT about your "man" who sounds like a patient, loving and needed person in your life at this time.

NOT about your gratitude for all the gifts you Higher Power has bestowed upon you.

Well, maybe it just IS about all those things. Thank you for a wonderful post today!

vicariousrising said...

It's understandable that you feel relief at your father's passing. It's normal after all his illness and you shouldn't feel unduly guilty.

It was nice having an update from you. Hang in there. I believe that the best is yet to come. Just keep looking forward.

Pen to Paper said...

Good for you on the gratitude. And, I have to say that it is okay to be glad that your dad is in a better place, because he is. He is no longer bound to the frailty of human existence and his spirit is free to be the man you remember as your dad. Oh and pretty red wrapping paper is the best!

Fractalmom said...

I miss my mom too. Fortunately, or not, she died in the summer so I miss her most then. Her birthday was on Thanksgiving (about every six years or so...) and I REALLY miss her at that time, but then I am usually over it by Christmas. Your list was a good one, and I am glad you have things to list!!

Misery Marketing said...

I think Im gonna be sick. I dont wanna do this.