Monday, December 03, 2007

You shut your mouth, how dare you say...

I have gone back and read my first post from 2 years ago around the same time of year. I am pleased to report, that although my life today is far from perfect, I do feel that I am in a much better place today then I was back then. I am no longer filled with the sadness and loneliness of a lousy, dysfunctional marriage, the paralyzing fear, dread and guilt of being the mother to a drug addicted child, the fear of being alone and of the unknown.

This is not to say I am functioning at what most would consider to be a "normal" level (hey, whats "normal" anyway?) but I do feel as though I have come a long way, and I have learned to let go with love and to not blame myself for those things that I can not control. I am trying to learn to trust myself just a little. I am also acutely aware of my shortcomings and flaws and I am trying to make sense of the mess in my own head.

My experience has been that when you are desperately unhappy and lonely and feeling unloved, is that you will run from those painful feelings and look to compensate for what your life is lacking. To somehow find a way to fill that void, that empty hole in your soul. Many of the coping mechanisms I chose to help myself were self destructive. I know, no big shocker there. Its what those of us who live with addiction do. Some of us abuse drugs, alcohol and other substances, some of us enable those around us to do so, some of become so codependent that it is hard to see where we begin and those that we love end.

One of my most unhealthy choices was the method in which I handled my personal relationships. I had affairs that ended badly. I confuse love and desire. I also form unhealthy friendships. I have a tendency to make friends easily, and then I latch on to them and get too close too quickly. And then these so called friends seem to want to have a say in how I handle my day to day decisions. I also have a problem where my friends seem to have no problem telling me exactly how they feel without regard for my feelings, or for pointing out my flaws. And for some reason, I find myself unable to defend these perceived attacks allowing people to walk on me and to hurt me and for me to find myself pulling further away and retreating even deeper into my own head. I often find I am the one who is willing to go any distance to help my friends out, always the one to be there and lend a hand and then I often find myself disappointed when I am in need and there is no one available to me.

The situation with New Guy. I am not sure what I am doing. I am in new, unsafe, uncharted water with this man. He makes my head spin a little. One of my best friends, recently voiced her opinion that she thinks he is all wrong for me and basically told me she will not sit around and watch me self destruct if I chose to stay with this man. She then followed up by offering me her opinion that I am most likely a Borderline Personality. (her g/f is a shrink). Then gave me a big pep talk about how I am ill and need help and that my current therapist isn't worth the paper I write his checks on and blah blah blah. She wants to help me, to save me. Slam. Another attack. She then pointed out the dead look behind my eyes.

New guy has a wicked insecure jealous side. Part of me knows that it isn't the right relationship for me for the long term. Part of me says who is talking about the long term anyway? Part of me wants to sit back and enjoy the ride and see where it goes. Part of me says run as fast as you can, this guy makes you feel too much and that is dangerous for me. Another part still says he is going to try to consume me and nothing good will come from that. Part of me wants to trust my friends who claim to know me and only have my best interests at heart and think this is no good for me. Part of me says these same friends want something from me. They like that I am needy and broken and my inadequacies make them feel better about themselves. Part of me knows every one loves that I am the poor little week girl. Always available because she has no where else to go. Part of me wants to take this chance and learn from it. Maybe it will be a mistake and this guy could kill me someday or maybe it wont be and I will find happiness and peace at last.

And part of me thinks, seriously, WTF? Will I ever be normal?


pat said...

What is normal anyway? Normal means different things to different folks. What I do see is a woman who has not given up on life and is in the process of searching for who she really is. You are doing great, Kel. You are learning. Trust your inner self, it generally does not fail us if we really listen.

Syd said...

Kel, you are so right that we look to compensate for what our life is lacking. And we look in wrong places many times. If you like this fellow and have no reservations about him, then trust your instinct. However, if you are sticking with him because you don't have anyone else or feel unworthy, then those probably aren't good reasons. I am a bad one to offer dime store psychology.

vicariousrising said...

You have written a really important and thoughtful post, Kel. If nothing else, you should give pause to all relationships before throwing yourself in because of your feelings of reservation. I think those instincts are good ones, they are probably ones of self-preservation and just unfamiliar because they are coming with recovery.

Continue to take care of yourself and don't rush. I have to tell myself this all the time lately. You're not alone.

Tab said...

No Kel,You will never be "normal" cause that belief is right in there will unicorns and
You have grown,I sure know that much from reading your blog AND watching how you have let go of your first born so to start letting go of stuff and take care of YOU...the one who will never be normal but beautiful just the way she is :)
BTW-You do have some friends there for you!(*Ahem)Just might not feel like it in the dark hours.
(And no better friend to have to turn to than yourself first and foremost!)Hope you are still reading your book :)
love you-
Tab xo

Beth said...

What is normal, anyway? You be you... that all you need to worry about.

Anonymous said...
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TodayTodayToday said...

Hey Kel! I hope things are going good for ya. You really made me think about just how much I play couch quarterback or act like some 900 number shrink. Thanks.