Monday, September 17, 2007

The life Ive left behind me, is a cold room...

So, can anyone please advise me on how to delete ridiculous, unwanted comments?? I have been hit hard this past weekend.....

My niece has been staying with me for the last week, she is staying another week. She is not related to me by blood. She is the daughter of a girl who had been my best friend for most of my life, since junior high school maybe. Her daughter was born three months before the Prince, and we basically raised them together. Her marriage failed within a year of her daughter being born, and she then entered one dysfunctional relationship after another, never securing stable employment, never home to take care of her daughter, etc. A year or so she got involved with a man who was still married, yet he wanted to own her as well. She ended up quitting what little employment she had at the time, spending all of her time with this so called man and ultimately, lost her apartment, her car and most of her self-respect. Her daughter had to move to North Carolina to live with her grandparents. This man beats her up, throws her out of the house and then begs her to come back and then the cycle repeats itself again. I have heard from more than one person that cocaine and alcohol abuse play a large part in their lives. This is ultimately what has damaged our relationship, she is toxic, and I fear this man will one day kill her and I can not do anything about it. Once again, me trying to control a situation that is outside of my control.

My niece has told me that the Prince is using pot and alcohol on a daily basis. I knew this, and I suspect cocaine as well. He has one of those friends social pages and his picture on his profile is a picture of him in the backseat of someones car, swigging directly from a large bottle of something wrapped in a brown paper bag. How charming. So not only is he still choosing a dangerous path to take, he is doing it once again with pride. Letting the whole world know that he thumbs his nose up to sobriety.

He has sold a cell phone, and another hand held video game. His response is that he can not "find" the video game and he gave the cell phone to a friend cause it didn't work. I wonder when exactly did he decide that I was a complete idiot? He has been trying to get his hands on another video system that belongs to him and La Petit. I know this is because he wants to sell it. I am not going to let him take it. It is back to having that feeling of being completely unable to trust him and not wanting him in my home at all. Not even for a few minutes.

In spite of this all, I am in a remarkably good place. I am able to function and focus on myself and La Petit and plan for our future. That future is very close. In approximately one and a half months we will move into our new home. Hopefully sooner. I am very excited. I feel more and more secure that I am doing the right thing. I spent some time with an old friend over the weekend, someone I hadn't seen in many many years. She is still married to the same man that she dated in high school, we were in each others wedding parties. She has two beautiful children, they bought a lovely home near the beach. You can see she is happy. She admits to lots of bumps in the road but she is still happy and her life is a nice one. She does things. She plays volleyball on a team, she goes to the gym. Her life is full and she looks complete. For the first time in a very long time, I felt nothing but pure happiness for another person. I am seriously prone to jealousy and self pity (I know, this is a huge shocker to those of you who have been reading my blog for a while) and for once, I felt GOOD to see another human so settled and having a good life. For the first time ever I felt that I could be in that position in a few small places.

This letting go business is tough stuff. But I am finally understanding that I must be in control of my own life, feelings and ultimately my destiny. Maybe I am going to have to let my guard down just a bit and be a little vulnerable and not worry so much about everyone else. There could be a life out there for me after all...

11 comments:

Syd said...

There is a life out there and you are beginning to see and feel it. I'm sorry about the Prince but perhaps telling him that it's time to get his own digs might be a wakeup call. You are evolving and growing. Just keep your boundaries in place no matter what. That includes deleting the unwanted comments. You should be able to delete any comments that you don't want. You can also elect to approve of each comment that comes through.

pat said...

Kel,
Believe it or not you are doing great. You are taking the steps and experiencing growth. How wonderful. I am sorry about your son. Selling his own personal belongings is not a good sign but I can see that you are handling it one day at a time. As far as the comments, I believe we all have had a visit from this person this past week. And because I do have "one nice" bone in my body,that is all the air time I will give sweet Micky.

pat said...

Oh by the way to get rid of his comments hit the little trash can sign under his comment and this should bring up delete.

Beth said...

You are doing great. I'm glad your new life is commencing...

as for deleting comments, you can do as pat said... other option is to set up comment moderation, that way you can read each comment and post or not post them. Go to your blogger settings to set it up.

Tab said...

yep ..a life..and a beautiful one at that Kel..!
We can find inspiration when we feel happiness for others..it is like opening the windows and doors to our hearts and next thing you know the happiness sweeps back to us in gentle breezes.
I believe in your Prince Kel.
I just don't think our boys set out to hurt themselves or us for no reason.My son too..he is pushing his limits.I do feel concerned for him but no longer allow myself to worry..then I would feel like I was losing hope.
And that scares me more than anything.Maybe you feel stronger today because you too are learning that in letting go we can stil love our boys and but detach with love love love.I know you believe in him too Kel.
I love that you are opening the windows in your heart for others..
You just watch what comes in :)
Sending you bundles of love and hugs always..Tabster xo

Trudging said...

I am still amazed that I can be in a good place while a lot of crap is swirling around me.

TodayTodayToday said...

I wiil now comment using song titles only: We'll make great pets. Mommys little monster. Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me. It's like screaming at a wall. Your emotions make you a monster. I wanna be a drug sniffing dog. Peace dog.

working mom NYC said...

Hi Kel--
I've been catching up on your latest posts after being away...Tab's phrase "Detach with Love" - I do believe that it's the right thing to do, and that you are moving in that direction. And I like what you said about your old friend who has a fulfilling life - it feels good to be happy for someone else, even if that person is enjoying some of life's sweet bonuses that are being denied us at the moment.
Thanks for inspiring me again.
Love - Lisa

Scott said...

letting go is tough indeed, take it a day at a time...

GOd Bless!

Jaqui said...

Thank you sooo much. I've been reading your blog for awhile and I think its awesome how strong you are with all your going through.

vicariousrising said...

I really like how you sound in this post. I hope you can continue to find little oasises like this as you go down your path. You deserve it. I am looking forward to your move too!