Thursday, September 20, 2007

I don't know how to love him...

Received a phone call from my father in law one evening earlier this week. He picked up the Prince from work and did not like the way he looked, implying he looked high or something like it, and he articulated that to the Prince in no uncertain terms. The Prince, in true princely fashion proceeded to freak out on his grandfather and went into his typical rant how everyone is against him and how much it pisses him off to be accused of doing something wrong all the time, and how it is total bullsh*t that he has an 11 pm curfew, blah blah blah.

This, is typical Prince Charming using behavior. I can feel the spiral beginning. I am thinking maybe it is going to be pills this time. I explained to my F-I-L that I knew for a fact that the Prince was smoking pot and drinking regularly, nightly actually. He didn't seem to believe me, or didn't seem to want to hear it is more accurate.

Today, I finally had a conference call with his old HS (he did not graduate this past June as he should have) I have battling with them all summer to get his education back on track. They have finally approved him for home instruction to fulfill the final few credits he needs for graduation. He will receive home instruction from a tutor at the local library for eight hours a week and if he takes it serious, he will graduate in January. He will able to keep his full time job as well. I am trying not to project too much and trying to have a little faith in him (thanks for the cue there Tabby...) that he will do the next right thing.

I often feel as though I have let him down so much. Then in letting him go, I cut him out of my life, and sometimes out of my heart. I am a type A personality. There is very little room for gray area in my life. Our relationship is a formal, pleasant one at best. But to me it seems almost non-existent. We speak occasionally on the phone, when he can spare two seconds for me. I see him once every few weeks. To be fair, I do not often go out of my way to see him either. I am still so hurt and wounded by his choices and I think at some level I am also preparing for what I still fear will be his own death from an overdose.

I love him so much, but I still just do not like him very much right now. That's okay isn't it?

8 comments:

pat said...

I am going to have to write a post just for you.I was actually at a meeting today that spoke exactly on this subject about "letting go of our children".

Tab said...

Kel.Do not let those FEARS stop you from ever believing in your son a whole lot.NO matter how distant or how he lives today.YOU are ALL he has to believe in him.
If something ever does happen to your son that you feared,you will at least have known you never let anything stop you from letting the Prince know he was loved.And he may shape up one day.Don't buy into the anxiety this disease feeds in us Moms and loved ones.
I too have my fears but use them to encourage me to do my best for today as a Mom and just me.
You will get there too Kel.
Believe in you :)
xo

Beth said...

It is OK not to like him very much as long as you love him and are there for him should he ask or need you to be. I can only imagine the pain you must be going through with him, but I know this... you are doing the very best you can and making the best of what is a very undesirable situation. Hang in there girl... there is light at the end of the tunnel even if it is a dim, gray light ;)

working mom NYC said...

Hey, Kel--
Sorry to hear that your fears that the Prince is using seem to be confirmed by everyone who sees him.
I don't feel that letting him go is letting him down. Shielding him from feeling the consequences would be letting him down in the long term. I totally relate to the thing about not liking him right now. Our kids do unlikable things when they're giving in to their addictions. I said the same thing about my son when he was lying, stealing and doing drugs. If you can't be honest about your feelings, what person could you be to those around you? Your extreme honesty is what we admire in you. It is a rare and valuable trait.
Love, XXOXX Lisa

Bouncing off the Bottom said...

Just found your blog. I always, always get so much out of a mom talking about her kids. Thanks so much for the post.

vicariousrising said...

Kel, my heart goes out to you. I understand the loving but not liking someone. Keep taking care of yourself. You are doing the best you can. You are a lovely, wonderful person facing an awesome difficulty.

Lots of love to you,
Judith

Tab said...

xo

Sober Chick said...

Wow, so many challenges. I know I mentioned before to stick with other women that have similar experiences in this area.

When one is ready to commit, it will happen.