Monday, January 07, 2008

And considerately killing me...

My phone rang at 4:30 a.m. on January 2nd. We all know that a phone ringing at 4 a.m is never a good thing. It was my ex-father in law, telling me my Prince was being taken to the hospital via ambulance as he had been found outside the house, unconscious, barely breathing and wearing only a pair of sweatpants.

He gained consciousness a few hours later, but was way, way out of it. He was nodding, and he was bloated and his heart rate was irregular and his brain was not getting enough oxygen as he kept pulling out the oxygen tubes and ripping out the IV lines. He told me during one "awakening" that he had taken morphine.

It was determined that he had overdosed on Morphine. My guess is that it was heroine, but due to the privacy laws, they can not disclose what his toxicology reports showed. Since he told me morphine, and heroine shows up as morphine, they could only confirm to me that, that was in his system, in considerable amounts. I do not know if there were other drugs in his system, although I suspect there were. I love that I can pay for his insurance, and sit by his bed trembling in fear that he will not wake up, but he is entitled to privacy as far as to what almost killed him.

He was kept in the ICU for two days until they stabilized him and he was released over the weekend. Back to his grandparents house. They are quiet, proud people, who do not like to discuss these things, and I do not think there has been a consequence or any kind of ultimatums given to my son as far as seeking treatment, getting help or getting out. This disturbs me. I have also not spoken to my son since he was released. He does not return my phone calls. I am hoping that he is just feeling ashamed for his actions. But somehow, I don't think so. He was very flippant about the whole situation, like, "Yeah, so what, I did morphine, I didn't die". He has no recall of what happened to him that night.

So this is me, starting the new year, letting him go. I love him, but I can not watch him kill himself any longer.

9 comments:

TodayTodayToday said...

Im sorry this is happening to your family. I wish we could shake this illness out of people. Its so deceptive that it almost seems like we can talk sense to them and it even seems like they get it sometimes. But insanity is just insanity. Its nobodys fault. I hope some stroke of luck will lead your son out of this maze he is trapped in. So many stars have to align for an alcoholic or addict to get clarity and then willingness but it does happen. It seems like you realize that detachment and acceptance and all that alanon stuff is the way for you to go so Im happy that you have an idea of how to cope with this stuff. I believe I can live a serene and happy life no matter what happens around me even when it seems so far away and impossible to get there. I believe that for you too.

Melody Polakow said...

I am so sorry.

Tab said...

I sympathize with you on this one Kel.I have heard those words and attitude from the back of an ambulance with my son.It scared me to the core.Then as the ambulance was driving towards the hospital at the crack of dawn..the paramedic driver quietly said to me that he was like my son once.

I had to let my son go too Kel.
But not before reassuring him I believed in him with all my heart that he deserved to be well.And he was still a valued member of our family.Just not high or drunk.

There are no easy solutions here.
I know you are in a tough spot in your heart and life right now my friend.I so encourage you to find some support and stick with it.
Your life is worth it - just like your sons.

xo

Syd said...

Kel, you are a brave lady. Letting your son go is hard but the best thing for you and ultimately for him. He will do what he chooses and no one can stop that. You are doing something good for yourself by taking care of yourself and not buying into the insanity of the whole thing. I am sorry that this has been the start to your year. Maybe it will turn into something good....

pat said...

Kel,
I have been down this road more than once and it is one the most difficult and horrible things a mother can experience. What makes it worse is there is not one damn thing you can do about it. I have seen far too many young people lose their lives to drugs. I have seen my own son on the edge of death. Just know I am with you in spirit and in thought and that I will keep your son in my heart.

Beth said...

Prayers for him and you... One day at a time.

Jaqui said...

I'm sorry. If your son does not realize that this should be a wakeup call then you are doing the right thing. When my sister was a day away from death (according to the doctor) because of her drug use we thought that would change her. You never know what makes people finally understand how serious their problem is.

JUST ANOTHER ADDICT said...

Kel, I'm not a mother so I can't begin to pretend I know how deeply this goes for you and how hard it has to be to let him go.
Just dont ever give up hope for yourself; for him. There is ALWAYS hope, Kel. Hope from a distance in your case.
I am sorry you are going through. I care about you and will continue to keep you in my prayers.

Athena said...

Kel - I am so sorry that I am only now posting this - It may seem odd, but you have been on my mind much the past few days... maybe you can relate, but I sometimes do not feel adequate to the task of offering a comforting word, one that you will know is sincere... But I truly am sincere in hoping that this all works out for the best, that your son will seek help, and that you will know that you are not alone...

What you are doing, what I am doing, I believe is the right thing - We love them, and we wait until they are ready for us to help them

~Hugs~