Thursday, April 03, 2008

Sometime's solutions aren't so simple...

This past weekend was very difficult for me. I found out that the psycho is back with his ex-girlfriend. I can not say I am surprised, he is, in my humble opinion, a sexually compulsive narcissist. Probably a Borderline Personality. And no, I have no formal training to back up my opinions, just from knowing him and the research I have done.

I can not say that it doesn't hurt just a little though. He claimed to have loved me so much, to the point that he had to beat me over his jealous and controlling ways, and yet a week or two after the beating, the arrest, etc. he is back in someone Else's bed, probably living in her house. Meanwhile, I am still unable to sleep through the night, I am in a state of constant fear and paranoia, as is my mother and my son. And yet, he goes goes about his life like it never happened.

I still struggle with my feelings for him. I still feel sad about how it ended, I still miss him. I still reach for the phone to call him when something happens. I miss sleeping in his arms at night. And then there are moments when I am filled with such rage and anger at him. For hurting me, physically and emotionally. For prentending to be someone he is not. For letting me have a taste for the first time in my life of having a nice happy little family. For letting me believe in that lie. For taking away my inherent right to feel safe. For being, just plain evil.

All the more reason to chalk this up to just a bad mistake and put it behind me.

7 comments:

Syd said...

Kel, I hear what you are saying. And in a way I understand. I too wanted my wife to be different but have come to realize that there is nothing that I can do to change anyone. And there is nothing that you could have done to have changed this man. I have learned that if I focus on myself and am healthy emotionally then my changed attitudes affect the attitudes of others. It would be difficult for me to put what happened behind me, until I understood through therapy and this program my need to put up with abuse.

Tab said...

What ya using for a bookmark ?
xo

Misery Marketing said...

You're right. He's psycho. He probably doesnt even know he's lying. But again its not about him.

Beth said...

It get better, one day at a time.

working mom NYC said...

Hey, Kel--
It's like a wound - it takes time to heal. If you stay away from him, you will think about him a little less every day, and his absence will be less painful. I really believe that you will get completely over him, if you stay out of his sphere of influence.
Lisa

pat said...

I am with working mom on this one. Take it one day at a time. Things will get better. Hugs.

vicariousrising said...

Keep yourself safe, and that includes your self-esteem. It will get better as time passes. My thoughts and prayers are with you always.