Thursday, March 27, 2008

Madness is the gift that has been given to me...

I am feeling unable to focus on much of anything these days. I spend most of my work day reading blogs, trying to figure out whats going on in my head. Yes, I was beaten. Yes, I survived. Others have survived far, far worse abuse for much longer periods of time. Yet, I just have this clenching feeling in my belly all of the time. And I entertain these thoughts like maybe if we had gone to bed earlier that night, like HE wanted to, none of this would have happened. Or, if only I was able to love him like he needed me to, this would not have happened. And I know, I know it is all BS and he is the sick one, and it was going to keep on happening. But I cant shake this feeling of being disappointed in the fact that he is an abuser, and that it had to end this way... How sick is that?

9 comments:

Misery Marketing said...

Hey Kel,
Of coarse its gonna be hard. These feeling are the reason you put up with all that shit in the first place. If nothing changes nothing changes. Love ya.

Beth said...

That my friend is normal... we feel that way about our abusers, even though we know better, we can't help but try to shoulder some, if not all of the blame.

It is hard to suppress those thoughts, and to change your thinking, but start by tell yourself: "I am a beloved daughter, friend, mother and my life has a meaning and purpose. I am of infinite worth and deserve to be treated with the utmost respect."

Syd said...

Kel, what we do or say to someone isn't going to change them for the better. They have to change themselves. I suggest that you get with a sponsor and revisit Steps One through Three. These are the acceptance steps. They taught me that I can't change anyone but myself. And no amount of wanting the other person to be different is going to make any difference at all.

pat said...

Know that you are thought of each and every day.

working mom NYC said...

Hey, Kel--
Thanks for your new posting. I spent my last therapy session talking about abuse and why we endure it. My therapist told me of one of her clients, a well-to-do pediatrician, who was beaten by her husband. She stayed with him for years...she couldn't leave until she worked things out in her mind about why she was with him and what might happen if she ended it. I do think that your beast and my beast put us down because they saw our vulnerabilities and capitalized on them to make us feel inferior. In reality, I think they felt inferior and figured we would leave them if we really saw them for who they were. We finally did see, and then we left. We don't have take it any more!

vicariousrising said...

It must be really tough right now. Sure, if you'd gone to bed earlier it might not have happened... that day. It still would've happened. And you might have been killed. The "what ifs" are not good in this scenario. Honestly, the "what ifs" are most likely going to end up with you hurt worse, not with him becoming a prince of a man.

Hang in there. Do you have a counselor you can talk to? You really should be seeing someone. And/or a womens group of some sort. It isn't weakness to need support. It's strong to ask for it when you need it. I've learned that one the hard way.

Love you!

Sylvia said...

Hi. I am doing okay and after reading your posts to catch up, I really hope you are feeling and doing some better. In all of this you are the most important person. You have to take care of yourself no matter what. You deserve respect. None of his actions were about you. They were about his problems and unfortunately you were the one to take the brunt of his anger and rage. You are not to blame or responsible for the things he did and does. You are only responsible for YOU. (If you want to talk offline, email me at
2feeleys@gmail.com)

Pam said...

for me...the pain was alot about the death of a dream. The dream that every thing was going to one day "be good". Giving up on that dream is hard...it's hard to digest that everything will "never" be good with him. You're holding the glass slipper but it doesn't fit him. And all your trying to make it fit him won't change a thing.

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