Tuesday, March 25, 2008

All alone, I can't mend, But I feel, Tommorrow will be okay...

What to say, where to start? Do any of you really want to hear the gory details of how this bastard beat me? And I am capable of having to rehash it again? Probably no, and no, but for my own therapeutic reasons I am going to try to write it out, all of the red flags, all of the weird shit he expected of me, and how I, became a battered woman.

When I met him early on, we went out a few times before we spent the night together. I wasn't looking for a relationship and told him how broken I was and that he didn't want to sign up for me and my issues. The next day, I was a bit standoffish with him and he was all, "whats wrong? we just spent the most amazing night, why are you pulling back-like" How could I treat him this way, and was wrong with me that I could act so cold. Then it was all about the phone calls. Please call me later, be sure to call me as soon as you get in the car, as soon as you get home and I wasn't always available to talk because of my mommy responsibilities and what not and this became a bone of contentment.

Within 2, maybe 3 weeks of seeing each other, he was already proclaiming his undying love for me, he needed constant reassurance that he "mattered" to me. He needed and wanted to be important in my world. When we spent time together it was never enough. When I had to go home, he would become angry and sulky. Disappointed that I didn't feel the same about leaving him. That I clearly didn't love him as much as he loved me and if I did, I would blow off all of my responsibilities and spend more time with him. When I went out with friends, he would find emergent reasons to call me and keep me on the phone for the whole time I was out, then accuse me of making him look foolish in front of my friends. That I should be telling my friends how much I was in love with him and how important our relationship was to me, that it trumped all else. There was also constant warnings about not to speak to other men, because that would make me look like a whore, and how he "expected" that I would act appropriately as his "good little girl" and that he KNEW that I would not dare even wear something even remotely provocatively if I wasn't with him.

After I moved in my new house, he almost immediately moved himself in. The fights were usually over his jealous and insecure ways. I spent too much time talking with my mother, and in his opinion I don't let my mother know just how important he is too me, that he is the love of my life. He complained I did not show enough affection in front of others, meaning if my tongue wasn't down his throat I was being cold and distant and disrespectful. Every argument was the same, that I don't treat him with enough respect, how I make him look like a "chump" (does anyone even use that expression any more?) and that he was the best thing that has ever or will ever happen to me, and that I was going to loose him and I would be sorry for it. How I was going to end up an old lonely bitter woman. That I would soon loose my looks and no one would want me like he did.

He would often question me about my past relationships and marriage. Wanting to know why I stayed married so long if I was so unhappy. I mean, people, sometimes you just have to do what you have to do for whats best for everyone and I really couldn't understand why I had to constantly justify myself, and then he would insult me and say horrible things about me and how pathetic I was that I stayed with this man for so long, and then he would switch gears and insist that he bets that I stilled loved AH and that he is the one who left me and that I was a lying bitch, and how stupid I was for loving a man like that. Then he would imply that I was clearly the reason that my kid was an addict and the reason why my ex drank.

The first real sign that should have sent me running was when he was angry he would literally punch himself in the head, repeatedly. Sometimes with his fists, sometimes with a cell phone or with whatever he had in his hands. He once smashed my cell phone against his head when he saw that a male platonic friend had called me. I was then instructed to call said friend and tell him we were not going to be friends any longer, as he clearly only wanted to sleep with me. This friend will come up later in the story, but probably a post for another day. Does anyone out there have any opinion as to what this means? The head punching thing? I have tried to look it up but never found anything concrete.

He expected me to despise my ex and to cease any relationship with him or his family. He did not see any reason for us to communicate, and if for some reason I had to, it should be done in his presence and I should be nasty and hurtful to him. He did not like me to visit my Dad in the hospital, in case my x was up there visiting and insisted I wait for him to make these visits. This often resulted in much shorter visits than I preferred with my Dad and left me resentful and angry which would then set him off about how disrespectful I was. G-d forgive me if I said I instead of We. WE were a couple. It enraged him how I thought of myself as an individual and not as a part of him.

Another method of controlling me was through my sleep habits. I have always required a tremendous amount of sleep, and we would stay up late, and he would wake me when he got up for work, and then would call me and keep me on the phone talking to him because his commute was so long. I was mentally and physically exhausted all of the time, which I guess allowed him to continue to beat me down emotionally and give him more control. If I objected, he would make me feel awful, as we didn't get nearly enough alone time together and he really looked forward to our time alone late at night and early in the morning, and how I should really make more time for him in my life, if I loved him enough, I would feel the same way, after all he was tired too but suffered through it because of his love for me.

When we fought and argued, he would insult my friends, my family, my clothes and my job. He would stop at nothing to make me feel little and awful. He knew my weaknesses and preyed on them: my son's drug addiction, my mother's alcoholism, my body issues. When we weren't fighting he would say he only said these things in anger and to hurt me because I hurt him so deeply and often.

The initial signs of violence when we fought, he would become enraged and smashed a wine bottle across my kitchen, he smashed and broke my jewelry box, shredded lingerie that I bought to wear for him; because he wanted me to look sexy for him all the time. He has smashed my car windshield, kicked numerous dents into my car, thrown shit and dumped my belongings around my bedroom and home while packing his clothes up, torn down my closet organizers, spit on me, thrown phones, glasses, and other items across the room and into walls. He would dump the contents of my pocketbook on the floor looking for my keys or some other item. The last incident, he literally busted my bedroom door open to get at me to keep beating me.

Nothing I had or did was as good as something he had or had done. The carpentry work in my home was half assed. The cabinets were cheap and installed improperly. The tile work was clearly left over tile the previous owners bought at a fire sale. My backyard was pathetic and small. How could we live on such small lots and so close to our neighbors? My neighborhood was filled with wannabes. My job was a joke. My salary was pathetic.

The physical violence I endured, up to and including the final beating started with a smack across the face, being shoved a few times, being strangled so violently that I was in the air with my feet dangling, confident that I was going to die. Being dragged out of a restaurant by my hair, face smashed into the car door. When he hit, it was usually with a closed fist to the eye. The last beating included many, many closed fist punches to the face, him choking me, throwing me around and across the room, and a few shots to my ribs, that surprised my MD that they were not broken, just severely bruised as to this moment, I am still in pain, and if I sneeze, I still see stars.

But I am out now, I will get over this, it will take time, it is painful, but I will not be a victim any longer, I will not be afraid, and I am going forward with the charges. He is only being charged with 3 misdemeanors. I do not care, if at the bare minimum I leave a mark on his record, I will have prevailed and stood up for myself.


Misery Marketing said...

Please be real careful about who you date from now on. The obvious signs were there from the beginning. People who want too much too soon just want to suck the life out of you to fill themselves up. They dont have to be violent to be worth breaking up with either. I say this like you have the ability to chose good relationships. You may not. Id guess you probably dont. Get help Kel. Get a bunch of recovering girls hang with and help you make healthy decisions. If you can afford it ALSO (not rather than) get a professional psychologist and follow her/his advice. Id be screwed were it not for my recovery friends coming and forcing me to get off the couch or challenging my decisions about my life when everyone can see the mistake but me. I cherish friends who will tell me the truth even if it hurts. I also cherish friends who tell me their opinions as if it were truth even when I dont agree with them. BTW I find it easy to know myself but rather hard to accept myself. I'll even try to invent myself to hide myself. Much Cyberlove to you Kel!

Wife de Dingus said...

Totally file the charges... you will probably not be the last of his victims- and having something record will only help other women in the future.

You are doing a great job- keep it up!

vicariousrising said...

Ditto what Misery said, smart fella.

And telling you the truth, even when it hurts does not mean the "truth" as that asshole was telling it. There is a huge difference. I'm not sure you can discern it for yourself yet, and that is a scary place to be. But usually when people are generally saying "you suck" is just not the least bit constructive.

Warm fuzzies for you! Keep talking and let it out. I hope it makes you feel better.

Miss Independent said...

I commend you for the strength that you have shown in posting this. It is a huge step toward healing, and not healing in a way that means you'll go back, but healing in a way that as it happens you will realize that you area woman of dignity and honor and that no woman deserves what you have gone through.
I one heard something that I now live by and that is....believe people when then show you who they are the 1st time. Not the 29th or the 30th time, but the first time. The first time they lie, are dishonest, lack dignity, dont call or show up, believe that there will be many many more days of this, because that is who they are. This goes for men as well as women. Live from truth because with the truth you can and will survive everything.
Hugs to you and lots of prayers. God Bless

Tab said...

And so the journey begins.....xo

Syd said...

Kel, the warning signs were there from the start. This fellow is not only a control freak but probably has a mental disorder. I am glad that you are pressing charges. It seems that there would be enough for assault and battery with intent to kill. I hope that you will do as Misery said and get some professional help for yourself. A good therapist can help you to love yourself. And to take care of yourself. Thanks for sharing something so painful here.

working mom NYC said...

Hey Kel--
I check your blog every day and was so happy to see that you posted again. Thank you again for your incredible honesty. I saw a lot of similarities in the behaviors of your brute and the one I just divorced. My ex didn't hit me but he did most of the other things you've described. I am researching more info about abusive men in order to understand why I stayed in the relationship for 20 years, and how it affected the way I view myself today. If we had better self esteem, we wouldn't have allowed ourselves to be treated so badly.

Therapy has helped me a lot...
Big hug..

Beth said...

I'll say it again because really, there isn't anymore to say:

I hope you KNOW that you ARE of INFINITE worth.

Bouncing off the Bottom said...

One of the great gifts of sobriety has been that I stopped needing to either make myself or other people up. I took everyone (including myself) exactly as they obviously were--warts and all. Doing that is a great way to get comfortable with yourself and other people--and to know a creep as soon as you meet. This experience is not wasted if you learn from it. And do file charges. I agree with wife--he'll do it again. I'm giving you an e-hug, even though we just met.