Friday, September 07, 2007

Don't hang on, Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky...

Last night we met at my lawyers office to sign the contracts. My parents were meeting me there as well to sign the contracts on the house we are planning on buying together. AH was surprised to see them there. When I told them the reason they were there, he was shocked. I am thinking he did not think that I was really planning on buying this other house. As we were signing the contracts, it looked like he was going to cry for a moment.

My uncle took us all out to dinner to celebrate. It was bittersweet. I am thrilled to be almost rid of this house and out of this town that is just too painful for me to live in any longer. I am excited about the new house, the new start, the new beginning. It was awkward as my parents and La Petit were all talking about the new house and AH just sat there and said nothing. I felt sad for him. He doesn't ask any questions and sometimes he seems OK, and it makes me wonder if he is just as happy to be rid of me and our life. His lack of communication is disturbing. You can never tell what he is thinking, let alone feeling.

La Petit began his middle school career on Wednesday. Today, he is trying out for the track team. He is growing right before my eyes. He hasn't articulated it to me, but I sense he knows that his Dad may not be along for the ride much longer. There is so much change happening around me that I feel as though I am getting blown away by a strong wind. I only have two hands, I can only hold onto myself and La Petit. I just hope the others will be able to weather the storm without us. Because for the first time ever, I am not going to be there to clean up the mess that gets left behind.

13 comments:

Tab said...

This post made me cry.
I love you Kel and I believe in you and all these exciting and frightening new beginings.No matter how strong that wind may blow my friend,I will always have a hand reached out to you.Always.
xoxo

Mary Christine said...

Wow. Thank you for sharing your brave journey with us.

Beth said...

You are only holding on to what you hold dear, and that is a good thing... just so you know, though... we are here with those fog light beacons... flashing allowing you to find your way to safety.

Scott said...

all we are is dust in the wind....

good luck with your new adventure Kel.. day at a time is all we have to do!

God Bless!

~MsManna~ said...

Hi! Amazing! Wonderful! Stay the course!!!

Syd said...

Take care of yourself Kel. That's the most important thing. All else will fall into place.

MICKY said...

DOES ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS FOCUS ON JESUS CHRIST?
AGENTS FOR SATAN:

A DOZEN STEPS
A REASON A SEASON A LIFETIME
AAWAKENINGS
ALCOHOLIC BRAIN
ANONYMOUS ALCOHOLIC
ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE
BIG SKY MAACK
BLUE'S THOUGHTS
COFFEE BITCH
DRAGON SPEAK
FLOWERDAVES PAGES
FROM THE FIRST CHAKRA (MSB)
HIGHER POWERED
I'M JUST F.I.N.E.
INMATEZ WIFE
IT'S A GIRL THING
LUSH FOR LIFE
MY JOURNEY TO RECOVERY
MY LIFE IN TAMPA
NO COMMENT
OUTRIGHT MENTAL DEFECTIVE
POSTCARDS FROM CUPCAKE MONKEY
RAANCH
RECOVERY ROAD
RIDIN' ON THE WAGON
SCOUT'S NEWCOMER DAZE
SIMPLY ANNA
SOBER CHICK
SOBER MOM
SOBER NUGGETS
SOBERING THOUGHTS
SOBERINSANITY
STAY AT HOME MOTHERDOM
STAYING STRAIGHT EDGE
THIS UNMANAGEABLE LIFE
THY WILL, NOT MINE
TODAAY
TWELVEBEADS
TWO DOGS BLOGGING
YOU AND ME ARE FLOATING...

Are you an agent for SATAN, Kel?
Peace Be With You
Micky

MICKY said...

I LOVE JESUS SO MUCH

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE ANY CAUSE OR REASON TO BE ASHAMED TO LOVE JESUS.

Is not the time coming, and the day hastening, when covetous men shall be ashamed of loving the world, and voluptuous men ashamed of loving their pleasures, and ambitious men ashamed of loving their honors?
For is it not a horrid shame, that a rational creature should be such a sot as to love sin which is most loathsome, and not to love Jesus who is most lovely? to love deformity, and not beauty?
Oh shame, shame! It is a shame that sin should have such esteem, and Jesus such great contempt put upon him. But shame shall before long confound these now shameless wretches, when they shall cry out, "We are ashamed that we loved profits, and not Jesus- houses, lands, lusts, and not Jesus.
This is the confusion of our faces, and shame covers us-- that we should be so foolish, and so blind, that we had not sense, nor reason, to distinguish between sin, which is the greatest and most odious evil, and Jesus who is the greatest and most lovely good." But the time will never come, the day will never be, that a gracious soul shall be ashamed of his sincere love to Jesus Christ. Do you believe that Jesus Christ died on a cross, for your sins, Kel?
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY

MICKY said...

SOUND OF SOBRIETY

Hello darkness, my old friend,
Ive come to talk crap again,
An AA meeting softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the 12 Steps that were planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of sobriety.

In restless meetings I walked alone
Bill Wilson Clones, made of stone
Neath the halo of an OLD TIMER,
I turned my collar to the 1st and 3rd Step
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING
That split the night
And touched the sound of sobriety.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand STEPPERS, maybe more.
STEPPERS reading the BIG BOOK,
STEPPERS hearing without listening,
STEPPERS writing their 4th STEP
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of sobriety.

Zombies said I, you do not know
Sobriety like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might BRAINWASH you,
Take my arms that I might 13th Step you.
But my words like the higher power fell,
And echoed
In the halls of sobriety

And the STEPPERS ranted and raved
To the AA god they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the sign said, KEEP COMING BACK
IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT
And the 12 STEP ZOMBIES.
Whispered in the sounds of sobriety.

Peace Be With You
Micky

MICKY said...

Friends, Romans, Steppers, lend me your ears;
I come to bury Wilson, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them;
The good is oft interred with their bones;
So let it be with Wilson. The noble Micky
Hath told you Wilson was psychotic:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Wilson answer'd it.
Here, under leave of Micky and the rest -
For Micky is an honourable man;
So are they all, all honourable men - Come I to speak in Wilson's funeral.
He was my friend, faithful and just to me:
But Micky says he was a 13th STEPPER;
And Micky is an honourable man.
He hath brought many STEPPERS home to AA
Whose stories, did the Church Halls fill:
Did this in Wilson seem ambitious?
When that the Alkies have cried, Wilson had a cigarette:
Emphysema should be made of sterner stuff:
Yet Micky says he was a psychopath;
And Michael is an honourable man.
You all did see that at the AA Convention
I thrice presented him an AA medallion,
Which his HIGHER POWER thrice refused: was this HOW IT WORKS?
Yet Micky says he was a manic – depressive scam artist, who talked to dead people;
And, sure, he is an honourable man.
I speak not to disprove what Micky spoke,
But here I am to speak what I do know.
You all did love him once, not without cause:
What cause withholds you then, to laugh at him?
O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And the 12 STEPS have lost their reason. Bear with me;
My BIG BOOK is in the coffin there with WILSON,
And I must pause till I can borrow another one.
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

MICKY said...

WAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

Don’t take the 12 STEPS away from me
Don’t leave my SPONSOR in misery
We are a FELLOWSHIP of ZOMBIES
If you go then I’ll have to CHAIR A MEETING
‘Cause WAKING up his hard to do

Remember when you held my BIG BOOK
And you 13th STEPPED me all through the night
Think of all the CRAP, we’ve talked
Our HIGHER POWER will be mad
WAKING up Is Hard To Do

They say HOW IT WORKS, is hard to do
Now I know, I know that it’s true
There are no DUES or FEES
Our PRIMARY PURPOSE
Is to be, BILL WILSON CLONES
WAKING up is hard to do

I wish we were ENGAGING IN CONTROVERSY
I beg of you, to be FEARLESS & THOROUGH
Can’t we give our OLD IDEAS another try
Come on baby, let’s do a STEP or TWO
WAKING up is hard to do.
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

MICKY said...

Have you tried fishing? Not your common or gardening angling, but “reel fishing”! Not with worms or artificial flies, but with “real meat”, like the 12 STEPS or the BIG BOOK. We used to do it every summer…well! It was your summer and our winter. You’ve probably gathered, that I used to live in Australia.
We’d hire this boat, quite a big one it was, Ethel and the kids, Bill 44 and Bob…he’d be 37 by now. We’d do a picnic basket – lovely it was, our 5th Step, sobriety dates, drinking stories, a couple of bottles of wine and the 12 x 12. And off we’d sail over the reef. The sun would beat down, often the sea would be as calm…no calmer than the 12th STEP and we’d just drift. We’d put our lines over then and just wait – play AA tapes, talk crap, and ring our SPONSORS. Wonderful it was. Mind you, Ethel, didn’t care for the bait, it was the smell you see and the sight of HOW IT WORKS cluttering up the deck. “Micky”, she’d say! “The AA PROGRAM is putting me off my dinner”! Well, it didn’t bother me or the kids, it wasn’t like that, the OXFORD GROUP had delivered it quite fresh but Ethel used to say that CHAPTER 5 “sneered” at her and made noises, offensive noises, when the gases escaped from its crap. The kids loved that “Mum”! They’d say when it did it – “RARELY HAVE WE SEEN A ZOMBIE FAIL WHO HAS THOROUGHLY FOLLOWED OUR PATH,” Well she didn’t like that, not Ethel, strict BUCHMANITE, she was, thought it was very disrespectful. She would go into one of her sulks and it would last for “bloody hours”.
Mind you, she did get a bit more excited when Bill shared his story. Well she had to with Bill frothing at the mouth and banging his fist against the side of the boat. And then there would be more…Bob got into the act, tearing chunks out of the 12 Steps, spitting everywhere, snapping at Bill. But I don’t think she really approved, not Ethel. She said it was senseless 13th STEPPING. Well I suppose it was if you look at it that way! But there are lots of 12 STEP PROGRAMS aren’t, there?
It went wrong when Bill did the 9th Step! Huge it was, more like the 5th step, really. Again and again he raved on like a psychopath, but he wouldn’t shut up. Clever “bugger”! He had learned you see. Well I was determined that I was going to do a personal INVENTORY. I threw the BIG BOOK, all the picnic stuff in the water. Bill went mad; I’d never seen him so upset. He tore the rod out of its restraints and hurled it in the water. I didn’t stop to think, that’s always been my problem, “being sober” – Bill followed the rod! Well! He was gone in “two bites” and I didn’t catch the PROGRAM. It seemed to know, it sort of “grinned” at me and then just made off. Bob wasn’t too pleased either…he’d missed his HIGHER POWER!!
It's just too much, Kel? HA! HA! HA! HA! Do you love me, Kel? Thinking about doing some AA FISHING, Kel? HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! Kel! Kel! Kel! Kel! Kel! Kel! Kel! Kel!

MICKY said...

HOW IT JERKS
Rarely have we seen a person fail who thoroghly followed us home. Those who are not BRAINWASHED are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this garbage, usually men and women who are constitutionally capable of thinking for themselves. There are such fortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born premature. They are naturally capable of building and developing muscles, which demands rigorous training. Their chances are 6/4 on.
There are those, too, who are gravediggers and undertakers, but many of them do become ZOMBIES if they have the capacity to be dishonest.
Our stories disclose in a twisted way, who we like, what happened, and who we hate now. If you have decided you want a cup of tea and are willing to go to any lengths to become emotionally shutdown, SHIFT SHAPING REPTILES - then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked, we thought we could find someone to 13th Step. And we realised, we could. With all the madness at our command, we beg of you to become Bill Wilson Clones - from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our BIG BOOKS and the result was nil until we let go of our SPONSORS.
Remember that we deal with alcohol, frothy, bubbly, and powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is one who has all power that one is the BARMAN. May you find Him now!
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the bar. We asked the BARMAN for a couple of stiff whiskies.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program to INSANITY:
1.We admitted we were powerless over Coca - Cola, and decided to drink Pepsi, instead.
2.Came to believe that Cold Power was a detergent.
3.Made a decision to turn our heads when we saw an attractive blonde.
4.Did a body search of the new members.
5.Admitted to our DOG, to elves, and to another super being the exact nature of our songs.
6.Were entirely ready to have SUPERMAN remove the effects of kryptonite.
7.Humbly asked CLARK KENT to remove our brains.
8.Made a list of all persons who owed us money, and became willing to charge them interest.
9.Made direct hits wherever possible, except when someone moved the target.
10.Continued to talk crap and when we were wrong, promptly talked more crap.
11.Sought through our mail and computer to improve our conscious contact with BATMAN, as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of ROBIN and the return of SPIDERMAN.
12.Having had a stroke as the result of these steps, we tried to carry out the garbage, and fell flat on our backs.
Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain their homes and 13th Step the newcomers, at the same time. We are not psychopaths. The point is, that we are willing to become psychotic. The principles we have set down are guides to psychosis. We claim that Bill Wilson was a psychopath.
Our description of the landscape, the chapter to the Gnostic, and our family photos before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were ugly and could not manage our own appearance.
(b) That probably no photographer could have improved our looks.
(c) That a PLASTIC SURGEON could and would if he were sought.