Monday, September 10, 2007

Through these eyes Ive seeen the shape of thinggs to come...

After a long weekend, including a large family party on my father's side, meeting cousin's I did not even know I had, running around with La Petit procuring the last of the supplies he needs for school, running shoes for his participation in the middle school track team, helping him complete two book reports for his summer reading and the million other responsibilities we mothers have on weekends, I fell, exhausted into bed last night somewhere around 9:30 and tried to indulge myself with a little reading. My eyes did not stay open past 10:30. I awoke somewhere around 1:30, maybe 2:00 a.m. to an unidentifiable noise of some kind. I did not give it much thought, as La Petit is a restless sleeper and often bumps into or kicks the walls in his sleep.

Unable to fall back to sleep, I decided to make a trip to the loo, and as I came out of my room, I noticed the kitchen, hall and bathroom lights were all blazing and the odor of alcohol was stifling in the house. Upon entering the bathroom, I noticed a "puddle" ( I think you can figure out what the puddle was without me having to say sit) on the bathroom floor and the shower curtain half pulled down. Time to play hide and seek the drunk. I found him in La Petits bed. (La Petit has been sleeping in the Princes old room as his air conditioner is broken.) Passed out drunk, laying on top of La Petits skateboard, helmet and various other mess that he had left on his bed before he went to sleep last night. I guess I should be grateful that he was at least wearing underwear, as I often find him passed out drunk and naked.

I left him there, and just did a quick search of the house to make sure he didn't leave any lit cigarettes around, as is my biggest fear living with him is he will burn my house down while we are sleeping and kill us all.

Please, G-d, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can't change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference...


pat said...

I love that you are using the Serenity prayer. Guess what? You are finding the courage to change the things you can change by moving out of that house and away from all that damn self-destruction your husband seems to have. The important thing right now is for you and your son to be safe. Many Hugs are being sent your way, Kel.

Tab said...

{{Right beside you my friend}}

Beth said...

at least he didn't burn down the house, indeed. I'm glad you're getting out of this situation.

Syd said...

Kel, it sounds like your decision was a good one. You can't live in that chaos for long without totally detaching.

vicariousrising said...

Oh, Kel, you cannot get out of that situation fast enough. The Serenity prayer is absolutely the right mantra for you.

Much love and good thoughts for you and La Petit...


MICKY said...

I imagine AA to be a cancerous growth in our society. I'm a SINNER, who has been sober for over 22 years. I've seen this "cult" virtually destroy people where they become these Bill & Bob zombies devoid of any emotion. I imagine most of the Steppers are not dealing with their core issues and become addicted to the "droning Bill & Bob heads" who pop up and expel meaningless diatribe from their mouths. Alcoholism is the only "disease" one doesn't recover from & one is continually confessing ones non - existent sins, which intensify the guilt and fear when one is not at a meeting (indoctrination session). I imagine AA meetings numb and shutdown the critical thinking section of ones brain. I know a guy who has been sober for over 30 years and I imagine him to be quite mad - he doesn't even know what he's feeling most of the time apart from feeling depressed. I imagine AA to be the road to hell and that it's anti - Christ and the Steppers sell their souls to the "cult", because they are too terrified to face their “demons” & recover their true selves. That "inner child" who is waiting to be freed is slowly pushed down until it disappears into oblivion. That "child" is God! "Unless you become like little children...." "The kingdom of God is within you!" I hear things like; "I need to do the Steps!" "I need more meetings!" "I had cancer or my wife died or I lost my job!" "But! Guess what! I didn't pick up a drink". They might as well say; "I fell of my chair but I didn’t pick up a drink”! "Meaningless”! Why? Because one is not expressing ones feelings! Ones process is all about feelings! How does one recover if one doesn’t feel ones pain, fear, & shame & understand that these feelings, especially if they are overwhelming; are feelings, from ones childhood. All AA does is suppress these feelings until one ends up a semi - depressed zombie like the lunatic who has been sober for over 30 years. Can you see how dangerous this "cult" is? A madman, Bill Wilson, started it and if you want to end up like him, keep going to meetings. The sure way to insanity is "Meetings!" "Meetings!" "Meetings!" Are you INSANE, Kel?
Peace Be With You

MICKY said...

I don't attend AA meetings anymore -- thank God. I imagine leaving AA becomes more difficult the longer one has been exposed to this evil, soul-destroying cult. I read with some sadness of a Stepper who wanted to leave but found it difficult because AA was his whole life. One becomes trapped & I imagine most Steppers feel safe albeit quite isolated from the real world. I imagine most Steppers don't have the guts to quit (AA) because of the indoctrination ("If you quit AA -- You will drink").
My process (recovery) started in 1994 (therapy, etc) but it took me many years to make a complete break from all 12 Step programs (I was also going to SLAA, CODA, ACOA). I imagine most alcoholics are terrified of intimacy (emotional cowards) & attending 12 Step programs is the ultimate escape (from intimacy). I would suggest that quite a few of the Steppers are "pussies" because they won’t face life "full on" without the "crutch" of 12 Step programs. How do you FEEL, Kel?
Peace Be With You

MICKY said...

Steppers are continually captivated by their past memories (drinking stories) & are fascinated with the dead & unchanging image of what it was like for them as practicing alcoholics. Why do they attend meetings? So they can hear the other Bill & Bob clones talk about the past & stay in the land of the dead. 12 Step programs are the greatest horror story, because the Steppers have been so indoctrinated -- they aren't aware they are lifeless robots. They can do nothing to save themselves while they continue to attend 12 Step meetings. I have had a mutation of the mind (METANOIA) -- through the saving grace of Jesus Christ. Salvation is always the ending of the mind's fascinated identification with the dead & unchanging image of what it was". It is the complete reversal of the "natural" order of things, a METANOIA -- the Greek word for repentance, meaning precisely a turning-around of the mind, so that it no longer faces into the past, the land of the shadow of death, but into the Eternal Present.
So long as the mind is captivated by memory, and really feels itself to be that past image -- which is "I", it can do nothing to save itself; its sacrifices are of no avail, & its law gives no life".
Buchman, Wilson & Smith have done an excellent job; Wilson talked to "dead people" & if you too want to talk to DEAD PEOPLE [ZOMBIES], attend an AA meeting.
Peace Be With You

MICKY said...

"Hey Bob"

Hey, hey BOB, my higher power, will always do
I've waited so long for BOOZE to be through
BOB, I can't wait to meet you
My love, my love

Hey BILL, I've had a BRAINSTORM too
Hey, hey, hey BILL, I want to meet you too
If your PROGRAM is true, if you love AA, BILL!!
The BIG BOOK will always be real
My love, my love

AA means planning a life for two
Being together the whole day through
True SOBRIETY means waiting and hoping that soon
The 12 STEPS will come true
My love, my love
Peace Be With You

MICKY said...

From Bill's Story:
Co - founder of AA, Bill Wilson's story has been in every edition of the book Alcoholics Anonymous.
With ministers, and the world's religions, I parted right there. When they talked of a God personal to me, who was love, superhuman strength and direction, I became irritated and my mind snapped shut against such a theory.
To Christ I conceded the certainty of a great man, not too closely followed by those who claimed Him. His moral teaching -- most excellent. For myself, I had adopted those parts which seemed convenient and not too difficult; the rest I disregarded.
My friend suggested what then seemed a novel idea. He said, "Why don't you choose your own conception of God?" That statement hit me hard. It melted the icy intellectual mountain in whose shadow I had lived and shivered many years. I stood in the sunlight at last. It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. I saw that growth could start from that point. Upon a foundation of complete willingness I might build what I saw in my friend. Would I have it? Of course I would! Thus was I convinced that God is concerned with us humans when we want Him enough. At long last I saw, I felt, I believed. Scales of pride and prejudice fell from my eyes. A new world came into view. The real significance of my experience in the Cathedral burst upon me. For a brief moment, I had needed and wanted God. There had been a humble willingness to have Him with me -- and He came. But soon the sense of His presence had been blotted out by worldly clamors, mostly those within myself. And so it had been ever since. How blind I had been.
At the hospital I was separated from alcohol for the last time. Treatment seemed wise, for I showed signs of delirium tremens.
There I humbly offered myself to God, as I then I understood Him, to do with me as He would. I placed myself unreservedly under His care and direction. I admitted for the first time that of myself I was nothing; that without Him I was lost. I ruthlessly faced my sins and became willing to have my new-found Friend take them away, root and branch. I have not had a drink since. Simple, but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meant destruction of self-centeredness. I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all. These were revolutionary and drastic proposals, but the moment I fully accepted them, the effect was electric. There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never know. There was utter confidence. I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. God comes to most men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound.
For a moment I was alarmed, and called my friend, the doctor, to ask if I were still sane. He listened in wonder as I talked.
Finally he shook his head saying, "Something has happened to you I don't understand. But you had better hang on to it. Anything is better than the way you were." The good doctor now sees many men who have such experiences. He knows that they are real.
While I lay in the hospital the thought came that there were thousands of hopeless alcoholics who might be glad to have what had been so freely given me. Perhaps I could help some of them. They in turn might work with others.
There is no mention of JESUS CHRIST in the BIG BOOK or the 12 STEPS. Wilson was used by SATAN to delude millions of people.
John 3:16 (chapter 3, verse 16 of the Gospel of John) is one of the most widely quoted verses from the Christian Bible. It has been called the "Bible in a nutshell" because it is considered a summary of some of the most central doctrines of traditional Christianity:
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have eternal life.
A typical interpretation of the verse might go as follows:
· For God so loved the world... - God is a God of love and this love motivates his action in the rest of the verse
· ...that he gave... - there was God giving something, his son as a sacrifice
· ...his only begotten[1] Son... - the human Jesus of Nazareth is also the Son of God, and also the Second Person of the Trinity
· ...that whosoever... - that salvation is open to all who will believe
· ...believeth... - being saved is based on belief or faith, rather than based on human works.
· Him... - the belief being in Jesus, the Saviour
· ...should not perish... - implies the fate of those who do not believe, that is the doctrine of hell
· ...but have everlasting life. - shows the reward of those who believe, that is the doctrine of heaven. I love you, Kel! Do you love me? How do you FEEL?
Peace Be With You