Friday, December 28, 2007

Help me, I broke apart my insides...

I used to look forward to taking the time out of my day to blog. I used to look forward to alot of things actually. Like laying in bed at night with La Petit watching television. I used to look forward to picking up a book and not being able to put it down until it was finished, to seeing my friends, going out for dinner and drinks, having a life.

Divorcing AH and moving into my new house was supposed to be a new beginning for me, a new life, a fresh start. Instead I hooked up with the new guy and got involved in a roller coaster ride from relationship hell. My persistent neediness, vulnerability and loneliness allowed me to let this guy practically move into my house, tell me who I can and cannot speak to, hit me, break my belongings, insult me, my friends and family, called me terrible, hurtful names, degrade me, lie to me and cheat on me. And always finding a way to blame it on me.

I had to turn off my voicemail service on my cell phone and my house phone and my text messaging service as well due to the volume of nasty threatening voice mails he was leaving me. He now only leaves them at my office. The last one was him vowing to destroy the rest of my life. Only if I empower him to do so.

OK, so I was alone for Christmas. I survived. I will be alone all weekend and on New Years Eve, I will survive that too. I really do deserve better than this madman who wanted to control, consume and own me. And all the while not offering me very much. He wasn't a very good father, he fought for custody of his daughter only to let his parents raise his child while he does his own thing moving in with one woman after another. He isn't settled into a career, his debt is out of control and he has a history of drug abuse which I learned he was using on one of the weekends that we broke up. Not to mention the serious temper issues. Think there are enough red flags and warning signs here?

Well my New Year resolution is to get over this guy and break the spell he has cast over me and remind myself that I deserve a relationship that is healthy and loving. Not scary and dangerous. And if I cant find one then I will be OK anyway. It really is OK to be alone. That is my new mantra.

Did I mention that I bought a puppy for La Petit for Christmas?


Beth said...

good for you... one day at a time.

vicariousrising said...

It really is OK to be alone. And you're really not alone. Besides all us blogging buddies, you can try to find some sort of higher power. I know it sounds schmaltzy and even I am the last one to really say stuff about it. But sometimes you really have to be in the quiet of your own heart to find that you really are never alone.

I love ya, chica. Keep strong. As much as I wouldn't wish this asshole on someone else, he'll probably move on to a new target when you continue to make it hard for him to get to you.


TodayTodayToday said...

Dont be too hard on your self. So you ignored the obvious bad to get a little pleasure. You learned about what that can cost you and you move on. When I do this and cant seem to do better next time, then I eventually get some help from others but only when the pain is too much. I hate to say that Im a certain way like needy or compulsive because words have the power to reinforce these thoughts in my mind and make me act more needy or compulsive. Self fulfilling profecy. Im not a bible guy but I know in Romans it talks about knowledge of sin creates sin. If I say to myself "hey I make bad decisions sometimes but Im a generally smart, giving, productive person", then its more likely for me that I will go from there and be smart, giving, and productive. If I say Im a loser who cant control his own actions because of the demons inside of me, then I somehow end up acting like a loser with incurable brain demons. And no matter how many resolutions I make to change my behavior I fail because I simply cant enjoy life while fighting demons. Maybe this has nothing to do with this post but I got on a little tear there.

BTW youre right. It is so nice when good things happen and you can even recognize and appreciate them as they are actually happening (refering to your comment on my bloggyblog). Take care Souljah.

Melody Polakow said...

It is definitely OK to be alone.

Hang in there!

Enhance Life said...

I was really "moved" by your post. Once again I could relate it to one of the poems I posted some time ago.

I hope the new year brings you better days. All the best.


Enhance Life said...

Here's the link.
The poem is called
People Come Into Your Life For A Reason, A Season Or A Lifetime

Syd said...

Glad that you've decided to dump the crazy man. You deserve to be treated well and with respect. Don't even look back at this guy as you make tracks away from him.

Anonymous said...

Yes, yo deserve a healthy and happy relationship -- and so so much more. Keep repeating your Mantra.
Glad for the pup!