As I sat at my kitchen table last night, reading our local paper, a photograph of the local councilman, mayor and an Eaggle Scout being honored caught my eye. The boy had achieved some kind of high court eaggle scout honor. After closer observation, I realized it was a friend of the Prince's. This is the kid who my Prince had taken his first drink with, (which incidentally resulted in the two of them vomiting vodka and grapefruit juice all over my den), they had, in their own words, "started their drug career" together. Everything from marijuana, pills, inhalants to cocaine. Before we were able to get the Prince into a program, the two of them proudly proclaimed together throughout their sophomore and junior years of high school, that they started together, and they would end together, and that rehab was for quitters and they weren't going to end it like that.
While the Prince was in the program, I had heard various reports of the level of this kids drug use. Sometimes I was told he was out of control, popping xanax like candy, he smoked so much pot he was "yellow", sometimes I heard he was clean, just smoking a little pot. I never really get the full story. All I know is, for the last 4 years he has been an active drug user, dealer and who knows what else, and now he has achieved some high eaggle scout honor and is smiling nice and pretty for the camera with the mayor and the councilman with his parents standing, smiling and proud next to him. The same parents who once cursed us out because he heard the boys were smoking hash in my garage. And my prince, well he is stocking shelves for a local marina.
I just can not understand why this has happened to us, and how I can prevent it from happening to La Petite. Why is it that my kids have been unable to achieve any small successes? I know better than to blame myself, but it is getting harder and harder to not these days. I mean this kid was a major player in the local drug culture in our neighborhood and now he is a highly honored scout, one to be looked up to and emulated by the youth in my community? I don't f-ing think so.
I know my bitterness here is palpable. My relationship with the Prince is not in a great place. He does not pick up his cell phone when I call him. This burns me up. We have a family vacation planned for early August and I need to be sure he has cleared the time off with his boss, I have other things I need him to take care of at my house. Belongings of his he needs to go through as I prepare to move out of this house. He has admitted to me that he has smoked pot recently and I know he is still drinking. If he is admitting to pot and alcohol, I am afraid to think what he is really using. I have not seen him since his birthday, so I cant even tell from looking at him.
So clearly I have not moved out of my dark, bleak mood just yet. I am going to try to catch a meeting in the next few days and maybe do some reading. Something here just has to give. I hope I am not becoming too dull and whiny for those of you who read my rantings. Either way I am sending lots of love to you all....
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Monday, July 09, 2007
So here it is, another chance; wide awake you face the dayy...
I spent almost all of yesterday in bed, napping and enjoying the air conditioning, continuing to feel sorry for myself. La Petite has an overnight trip today with his camp. He is very excited and I was able to find pleasure in his delight and excitement about the trip. I had to drop him off early for camp, at 7:20 this morning. He is usually picked up at the house by bus at the house around 8:30 or so.
Last summer, the Prince was still living with me and I had to drop him off at his bus stop for his program and then I would drop off La Petite at camp. This morning reminded me of those days last summer. The Prince had just gotten clean and he looked so good. He had just started seeing a new girl and he was in love. I would get up early, make them breakfast and I would drive them to their stops and it was pleasant, nice actually. Things were hopeful. This morning made me feel sad that the Prince seems so far away from us. I feel kind of like I have been kicked in the teeth, that all I have done for him is forgotten. Do not misinterpret this to mean that I wish he was still living with me, but I do not. It just strikes me as sad, how broken apart my family is. I miss the days of making my kids lunch and their breakfast. It is nice to have peace in the house, but sometimes it is just a little too peaceful. It doesn't feel like a family anymore. We barely cook, we throw something quick together or go out for dinner most nights. It is just so empty.
Saturday morning I woke up early. La Petite had a friend sleep over and they stayed up late playing video games. It was a beautiful hot summer morning and I sat on the porch drinking my coffee. Alone. AH didn't get out of bed until 11:30 and by then I was running around with the boys and starting the day. The kids went swimming and I had some errands to run. Alone. I think that is what is really starting to get to me. So much aloneness. No one to have a freaking cup of coffee with, no one to spend the day with. La Petite is starting to really blossom and is starting to have a nice little social life of his own. I need a partner, a best friend, a lover. Or at least someone to have my coffee with. And this is what stirs up my toxic behavior.
Last summer, the Prince was still living with me and I had to drop him off at his bus stop for his program and then I would drop off La Petite at camp. This morning reminded me of those days last summer. The Prince had just gotten clean and he looked so good. He had just started seeing a new girl and he was in love. I would get up early, make them breakfast and I would drive them to their stops and it was pleasant, nice actually. Things were hopeful. This morning made me feel sad that the Prince seems so far away from us. I feel kind of like I have been kicked in the teeth, that all I have done for him is forgotten. Do not misinterpret this to mean that I wish he was still living with me, but I do not. It just strikes me as sad, how broken apart my family is. I miss the days of making my kids lunch and their breakfast. It is nice to have peace in the house, but sometimes it is just a little too peaceful. It doesn't feel like a family anymore. We barely cook, we throw something quick together or go out for dinner most nights. It is just so empty.
Saturday morning I woke up early. La Petite had a friend sleep over and they stayed up late playing video games. It was a beautiful hot summer morning and I sat on the porch drinking my coffee. Alone. AH didn't get out of bed until 11:30 and by then I was running around with the boys and starting the day. The kids went swimming and I had some errands to run. Alone. I think that is what is really starting to get to me. So much aloneness. No one to have a freaking cup of coffee with, no one to spend the day with. La Petite is starting to really blossom and is starting to have a nice little social life of his own. I need a partner, a best friend, a lover. Or at least someone to have my coffee with. And this is what stirs up my toxic behavior.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Tell me, what are you going to seek? The best through the worst? Virtue through vice?
Every once in a while, I find myself laying in bed, visualizing, actually seeing myself laying in that same bed, but with a greater sense of serenity and maybe being settled and happy for once. I had this feeling last night as I lay down and tried to go to sleep.
I believe this maybe my higher power telling me that some day, things will be different. Maybe not better, maybe not perfect, but different. Or maybe I believe I feel this way when I start to pull my head out of my butt and see that I have been running away again.
For as long as I can remember, I have been doing this. When I start to really feel depressed and sad and the reality of my life becomes too hard to bear, I run from it. I overbook myself. I spend too much time with friends socializing. I stay out of the house as much as I can, I let my bills fall behind, I let the house get messy and I just run and run and run.
It occurred to me yesterday that I am letting the Prince slip away from me. I am angry with him for not graduating HS and not doing anything about it instead of being proud of him for working time. I am angry at AH for being an alcoholic and disappointing me in this marriage and yet I have stayed here for far, far too long. I am angry with my Dad for being so sick and for not being able to take care of me and help me instead of spending more time with him and enjoying the time he has left and appreciating him for who he still is. I am sad because my brother is not the man I wish he was and hurt by the way he treats me and yet I do nothing to try to improve the relationship. I am jealous of friends who have become more successful in both their family and careers, so I pull away from them and allow the friendships to disintegrate and then feel sorry for myself that I have so few real friends left. I am profoundly sad about how little I speak to or see my prince and feel angry and resentful of him for not making more of an effort to be a part of my life, while I sit back and let these feelings fester instead of trying harder to be closer to him.
So I start to run. Push these feelings deep inside of me and avoid returning my therapists phone calls and I go shopping and spend money that I do not have on things I do not need. And I feel alone. So unbelievably alone. And I do no t know how to fix it. I do not know how to fix me. I do not know how to stop feeling sad and sorry for myself and resentful and jealous and the stinking thinking just consumes me until I run myself ragged trying to get away from pain and then I am so exhausted I just sleep. And then I wake up. Alone. And start the cycle all over again.
I believe this maybe my higher power telling me that some day, things will be different. Maybe not better, maybe not perfect, but different. Or maybe I believe I feel this way when I start to pull my head out of my butt and see that I have been running away again.
For as long as I can remember, I have been doing this. When I start to really feel depressed and sad and the reality of my life becomes too hard to bear, I run from it. I overbook myself. I spend too much time with friends socializing. I stay out of the house as much as I can, I let my bills fall behind, I let the house get messy and I just run and run and run.
It occurred to me yesterday that I am letting the Prince slip away from me. I am angry with him for not graduating HS and not doing anything about it instead of being proud of him for working time. I am angry at AH for being an alcoholic and disappointing me in this marriage and yet I have stayed here for far, far too long. I am angry with my Dad for being so sick and for not being able to take care of me and help me instead of spending more time with him and enjoying the time he has left and appreciating him for who he still is. I am sad because my brother is not the man I wish he was and hurt by the way he treats me and yet I do nothing to try to improve the relationship. I am jealous of friends who have become more successful in both their family and careers, so I pull away from them and allow the friendships to disintegrate and then feel sorry for myself that I have so few real friends left. I am profoundly sad about how little I speak to or see my prince and feel angry and resentful of him for not making more of an effort to be a part of my life, while I sit back and let these feelings fester instead of trying harder to be closer to him.
So I start to run. Push these feelings deep inside of me and avoid returning my therapists phone calls and I go shopping and spend money that I do not have on things I do not need. And I feel alone. So unbelievably alone. And I do no t know how to fix it. I do not know how to fix me. I do not know how to stop feeling sad and sorry for myself and resentful and jealous and the stinking thinking just consumes me until I run myself ragged trying to get away from pain and then I am so exhausted I just sleep. And then I wake up. Alone. And start the cycle all over again.
Friday, July 06, 2007
Why should I feel sad, for what I never had, nothing, equals nothing...
It has been an interesting week here in my little corner of the world. Last week I posted about having a few extra vaca days, I tacked them on to the 4th of July holiday and took a nice 5 day weekend. AH suggested that since I have this unexpected time off we take La Petit and his friend to Montauk for a few days. I was skeptical about having to spend so much time alone with AH, we do not get along very well, and we rarely spend any time alone together.
We booked a little suite on the ocean, a nice little place and we spent the afternoons alternating sitting by the pool or the beach. In the evenings we walked a bit threw the little town and had dinner and we made a bonfire on the beach to toast marshmallows. Lots of people were setting off some pretty nice fireworks at night, so we had out own little private show. It was pretty cool.
I thought maybe spending some time together would some how renew us, bring us back. It did not. It was not awful or miserable or even terribly painful. But we have progressed to a place where we are more like brother and sister. We can carry on a conversation, but nothing too deep, or we will argue. We have very little left in common, I don't care about his job and he doesn't care about mine. We no longer really have any mutual friends and our philosophies on parenting also differ greatly. His drinking is frightening. Non-stop, from early in the afternoon (if you can consider 11:45 a.m. "early" afternoon) until bed time. He justified it by saying it is Montauk, it is vacation, etc. Not that I made any mention of it. I know better at this point in my life. It was funny, he was trying to encourage me to drink with him. Suggesting a frozen cocktail to me at noon. No one likes to drink alone I guess, not that it stopped him. I worried that La Petit would be embarrassed in front of his friend at the amount his father was drinking. He doesn't appear drunk unless you know him. He does get a little looser, but he carries the same demeanor unless he switches to vodka.
It has been a long time since I have been around him long enough to witness the drinking and his habits. Its funny how it all comes back to you and it just served to show me that there is truly nothing left between us. He offers nothing to me that I want. I can tolerate this until the house is sold, and I feel hopeful that we will part in a positive way. He is still an attractive man and I am sure he will meet someone quickly if he is so inclined. I don't feel love or sadness at the lack of it coming from him anymore. I guess it is more like a mutual, understanding? For lack of a better word.
Anyway, I am still really crazed here at work and I just wanted to post quickly to catch up and send out some love to all of you. I will try to make the rounds this morning.
We booked a little suite on the ocean, a nice little place and we spent the afternoons alternating sitting by the pool or the beach. In the evenings we walked a bit threw the little town and had dinner and we made a bonfire on the beach to toast marshmallows. Lots of people were setting off some pretty nice fireworks at night, so we had out own little private show. It was pretty cool.
I thought maybe spending some time together would some how renew us, bring us back. It did not. It was not awful or miserable or even terribly painful. But we have progressed to a place where we are more like brother and sister. We can carry on a conversation, but nothing too deep, or we will argue. We have very little left in common, I don't care about his job and he doesn't care about mine. We no longer really have any mutual friends and our philosophies on parenting also differ greatly. His drinking is frightening. Non-stop, from early in the afternoon (if you can consider 11:45 a.m. "early" afternoon) until bed time. He justified it by saying it is Montauk, it is vacation, etc. Not that I made any mention of it. I know better at this point in my life. It was funny, he was trying to encourage me to drink with him. Suggesting a frozen cocktail to me at noon. No one likes to drink alone I guess, not that it stopped him. I worried that La Petit would be embarrassed in front of his friend at the amount his father was drinking. He doesn't appear drunk unless you know him. He does get a little looser, but he carries the same demeanor unless he switches to vodka.
It has been a long time since I have been around him long enough to witness the drinking and his habits. Its funny how it all comes back to you and it just served to show me that there is truly nothing left between us. He offers nothing to me that I want. I can tolerate this until the house is sold, and I feel hopeful that we will part in a positive way. He is still an attractive man and I am sure he will meet someone quickly if he is so inclined. I don't feel love or sadness at the lack of it coming from him anymore. I guess it is more like a mutual, understanding? For lack of a better word.
Anyway, I am still really crazed here at work and I just wanted to post quickly to catch up and send out some love to all of you. I will try to make the rounds this morning.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
You say it's your birthday...
Sorry I haven't posted all week. I am happy to say this is not a result of any new drama. Just a busy week at work. I work on a fiscal year that closes tomorrow and therefore this is my hell week.
Last Sunday was my 39th birthday. Thank you Tab for putting up the birthday props!! I love you girl!!! This was probably the nicest birthday celebration weekend that I ever had. I guess when you do not expect too much, it exceeds your expectations!! Last Friday I went out for dinner with a great friend of mine from my old job. She is probably about 14 years older than me, but she is like a sister to me. She lost her brother to Pancreatic Cancer almost 20 years ago so she understands what I have been going through with my Dad the last few years. Her husband, her senior by another 14 years is also currently dying of cancer. Liver Cancer. He is an alcoholic and the abuse to his body is not helping his cause. We are able to speak freely to each other regarding our feelings of her husband and my Dad dying and that is just nice. Refreshing. We do not have to sugar coat it and we can laugh and make jokes about our situations.
Saturday night a few of my gurlies took me into Manhattan for dinner and a show. It was an audience participation show, it was a faux prom, and it was a blast. We laughed and danced all night. I haven't done that in years. My body felt it the next day, though. BIG TIME. Sunday, my real birthday, 33 people from my family, cousins, aunt and uncle and the cousins kids, my mom, La Petit and myself, went to a Mets game. It was coincidence that it landed on my birthday, I am an Yankee fan, but we had a blast. How nice to see all of my cousins, grown with kids of our own, and some of the grown cousins kids even have kids now. It is nice to have family. We wrapped up the day with a BBQ back at my parents. I am getting along much better with my mom these days and it was just a perfect weekend. The only negative part of it was that the Prince did not show up for my BBQ. It hurt me deeply. When I saw him Monday night briefly he said he went out instead and then tried to backtrack and say he thought I would be at the Met game until late that evening even though I told him that morning we were having a BBQ at around 6:30.
I did not freak out, I barely let him see how hurt I was. I just said, Oh. OK. And I let it go. I am very sad at the way our relationship is going. We barely have one at all. He doesn't call me and I don't call him. Maybe just once or twice a week. He is doing his own thing, I haven't gotten any reports from my in laws regarding him drinking or drugging. So I can assume he is behaving. I can only pray. I guess we will just have to give it some time until we are both comfortable with the roles we are going to play in each others lives. I am just not sure what that is going to be at this point. I think I am afraid to get too close to him again for fear of him lying to me and him drinking and drugging. I am trying to accept him for who he is and then I guess the rest will just come naturally?
Last Sunday was my 39th birthday. Thank you Tab for putting up the birthday props!! I love you girl!!! This was probably the nicest birthday celebration weekend that I ever had. I guess when you do not expect too much, it exceeds your expectations!! Last Friday I went out for dinner with a great friend of mine from my old job. She is probably about 14 years older than me, but she is like a sister to me. She lost her brother to Pancreatic Cancer almost 20 years ago so she understands what I have been going through with my Dad the last few years. Her husband, her senior by another 14 years is also currently dying of cancer. Liver Cancer. He is an alcoholic and the abuse to his body is not helping his cause. We are able to speak freely to each other regarding our feelings of her husband and my Dad dying and that is just nice. Refreshing. We do not have to sugar coat it and we can laugh and make jokes about our situations.
Saturday night a few of my gurlies took me into Manhattan for dinner and a show. It was an audience participation show, it was a faux prom, and it was a blast. We laughed and danced all night. I haven't done that in years. My body felt it the next day, though. BIG TIME. Sunday, my real birthday, 33 people from my family, cousins, aunt and uncle and the cousins kids, my mom, La Petit and myself, went to a Mets game. It was coincidence that it landed on my birthday, I am an Yankee fan, but we had a blast. How nice to see all of my cousins, grown with kids of our own, and some of the grown cousins kids even have kids now. It is nice to have family. We wrapped up the day with a BBQ back at my parents. I am getting along much better with my mom these days and it was just a perfect weekend. The only negative part of it was that the Prince did not show up for my BBQ. It hurt me deeply. When I saw him Monday night briefly he said he went out instead and then tried to backtrack and say he thought I would be at the Met game until late that evening even though I told him that morning we were having a BBQ at around 6:30.
I did not freak out, I barely let him see how hurt I was. I just said, Oh. OK. And I let it go. I am very sad at the way our relationship is going. We barely have one at all. He doesn't call me and I don't call him. Maybe just once or twice a week. He is doing his own thing, I haven't gotten any reports from my in laws regarding him drinking or drugging. So I can assume he is behaving. I can only pray. I guess we will just have to give it some time until we are both comfortable with the roles we are going to play in each others lives. I am just not sure what that is going to be at this point. I think I am afraid to get too close to him again for fear of him lying to me and him drinking and drugging. I am trying to accept him for who he is and then I guess the rest will just come naturally?
So maybe I will throw out a little gratitude...
- Finding out that I have 2.5 unused vacation days that will give me a 4.5 day weekend starting at 1 o'clock this afternoon
- Spending the last birthday of my 30s with my friends and family and really feeling the love
- La Petit actually skipping onto his camp bus this morning on his way to his first day of camp, he is still such a sweet innocent little thing
- Blogger buddies who share their advice, love and experience with me, it really gets me threw the days and it still amazes me how close to you all I feel
- Friends and family leaving me voice mails singing Happy Birthday, something bout that just brings a big old grin to my face
- The Prince seems to be holding it together, just for today
- The ability to feel gratitude and the means to express it
Have a great day y'all!
Friday, June 22, 2007
Erase myselff, and let go of what I've done...
La Petit "graduated" from the sixth grade yesterday. There was a moving up ceremony and a dance last night to celebrate this milestone. He has been expressing his unhappiness with my decision to sell the house and move to a different neighborhood lately. We moved to this neighborhood when the Prince was the exact same age. We previously lived in a neighborhood that was far more privileged than where we live now. Most of the children were home with nannies while the Dads were out performing surgery and the Moms were getting nose jobs and tennis lessons. It was also a very competitive district and I did not think the Prince would find success there. I thought we would be better off in a neighborhood with people who were more socio-economically in line with us.
We are working people, we do well, we do not want for much, but we aren't wiping our arses with hundred dollar bills either. I have a tendency to need change and lots of it, as though I am chasing something that seems to keep slipping through my fingers, so I then need to move on and look for it somewhere else. This move will be different (if I ever sell my house that is). It will mark the end of my marriage and the beginning of a new life for La Petit and I. It is not possible for me to stay in the house we own now on my own. So staying in the house is not an option for me. I also have a long, traffic filled commute to get to my job so logistically it will greatly improve the quality of my life to move to the northern side of this island we call home.
La Petit is very sad about this. I feel guilt and trepidation about moving him. My town is large and accessibility to drugs and alcohol for the local teens is as simple as walking into the bathroom in the middle school. I know that drugs are a problem everywhere. But I KNOW first hand what goes on in this town, how the teachers covered up fro my Prince, how the police just tell the kids to dump their pot and grind it into the dirt when the kids are caught with it, how our local park, which is heavily wooded is a paradise for the local kids to hang out and get drunk, high and laid till all hours of the night. We have a unique last name and I do not want the Princes reputation to precede his younger brother. My son was notorious in this town. The big stoner, the druggie, if you need something, just call the Prince, he can tell you where to get it, etc. etc.
So although I feel as though I am once again running from my life, I feel the need to change the environment, to get away from the painful memories that haunt me at every corner of this town. I want to be invisible again, anonymous. I want La Petit to start fresh and to embrace a new life for us. But what if it hurts him? What if it makes him resentful and angry? What is he suppresses that anger and it grows into a rage and he can not identify that rage and then he turns to drugs and alcohol to silence that rage and pain and to numb it all out and shut off his feelings? What if one day in the near future I have to let this one go too? What will I have left?
We are working people, we do well, we do not want for much, but we aren't wiping our arses with hundred dollar bills either. I have a tendency to need change and lots of it, as though I am chasing something that seems to keep slipping through my fingers, so I then need to move on and look for it somewhere else. This move will be different (if I ever sell my house that is). It will mark the end of my marriage and the beginning of a new life for La Petit and I. It is not possible for me to stay in the house we own now on my own. So staying in the house is not an option for me. I also have a long, traffic filled commute to get to my job so logistically it will greatly improve the quality of my life to move to the northern side of this island we call home.
La Petit is very sad about this. I feel guilt and trepidation about moving him. My town is large and accessibility to drugs and alcohol for the local teens is as simple as walking into the bathroom in the middle school. I know that drugs are a problem everywhere. But I KNOW first hand what goes on in this town, how the teachers covered up fro my Prince, how the police just tell the kids to dump their pot and grind it into the dirt when the kids are caught with it, how our local park, which is heavily wooded is a paradise for the local kids to hang out and get drunk, high and laid till all hours of the night. We have a unique last name and I do not want the Princes reputation to precede his younger brother. My son was notorious in this town. The big stoner, the druggie, if you need something, just call the Prince, he can tell you where to get it, etc. etc.
So although I feel as though I am once again running from my life, I feel the need to change the environment, to get away from the painful memories that haunt me at every corner of this town. I want to be invisible again, anonymous. I want La Petit to start fresh and to embrace a new life for us. But what if it hurts him? What if it makes him resentful and angry? What is he suppresses that anger and it grows into a rage and he can not identify that rage and then he turns to drugs and alcohol to silence that rage and pain and to numb it all out and shut off his feelings? What if one day in the near future I have to let this one go too? What will I have left?
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Hold on, it's better than you think...
I have to really say thank you to all of my blogger buddies for being there and really listening and really caring about me. I can not express how much it and all of you have come to mean to me. Its truly a beautiful thing, this online bond we have all developed, and I have truly grown to love you all. It means even more, because each of you can relate to my situation from one point of view or another, some of you are in recovery, some are parents of addicts like myself, and some have other family experiences that connect us. The rest of the world, it has been my experience, just don't get it. Seriously, while I appreciate some of the advice my "normie" friends have offered me, trust me when I tell you, sitting down to dinner as a family every night is not going to get my son to stay clean.
To give you a brief update, the Prince and I have still not spoken since Fathers day. His grandparents and father spoke to him at length on Tuesday evening, and basically, from what I can drag out of these, strange, secretive, communication-challenged people, is that they laid down the guidelines. No more drinking and/or drugging. Period. Not if he wants to continue to live under their roof. It was also explained to him that he is still a very, very long way from being welcomed back into living in my home. I do not believe he is working a program although he tells his grandmother he is going to meetings. I am letting it go. I have basically let him go. This is how it has to be. I am not going to say it doesn't hurt like hell. But I know this has to be done. For my own sanity. I am not ready to speak to him yet, because I am not sure I can do so without reacting. When I am ready, I will call him and hopefully we can learn to have a relationship that will be loving without me trying to make decisions for him, or me being angry when he doesn't do what I want him to do.
I need to be a little honest here, I am secretly thinking deep in my soul, that if I don not see or speak to him, that he will feel guilty and make the right decisions. I know this is ridiculous, and it shows I still have ALOT of work to do on myself. In fact, in reality I am sure the opposite is true. When he was using, and he was in really bad shape, and I was taking him to court and things were just so awful and he was just so sick, we were having a huge fight, police were called, CPS got involved shortly thereafter because it got physical between the Prince and his father, and he was crying. He was begging me to just give up, to just let him do his thing, and I could not imagine a day would ever come that I would be capable of doing such a thing. Well, let me clarify that, I am NOT giving up on him, I will NEVER give up on him, but I need to distance myself from him for now. So maybe he is glad that I am finally giving him some space, giving him enough of the proverbial rope. I just pray he doesn't hang himself with it.
But if he does, I hope I can remember that it was his decision. Not mine, I am finally going to let him own this.
To give you a brief update, the Prince and I have still not spoken since Fathers day. His grandparents and father spoke to him at length on Tuesday evening, and basically, from what I can drag out of these, strange, secretive, communication-challenged people, is that they laid down the guidelines. No more drinking and/or drugging. Period. Not if he wants to continue to live under their roof. It was also explained to him that he is still a very, very long way from being welcomed back into living in my home. I do not believe he is working a program although he tells his grandmother he is going to meetings. I am letting it go. I have basically let him go. This is how it has to be. I am not going to say it doesn't hurt like hell. But I know this has to be done. For my own sanity. I am not ready to speak to him yet, because I am not sure I can do so without reacting. When I am ready, I will call him and hopefully we can learn to have a relationship that will be loving without me trying to make decisions for him, or me being angry when he doesn't do what I want him to do.
I need to be a little honest here, I am secretly thinking deep in my soul, that if I don not see or speak to him, that he will feel guilty and make the right decisions. I know this is ridiculous, and it shows I still have ALOT of work to do on myself. In fact, in reality I am sure the opposite is true. When he was using, and he was in really bad shape, and I was taking him to court and things were just so awful and he was just so sick, we were having a huge fight, police were called, CPS got involved shortly thereafter because it got physical between the Prince and his father, and he was crying. He was begging me to just give up, to just let him do his thing, and I could not imagine a day would ever come that I would be capable of doing such a thing. Well, let me clarify that, I am NOT giving up on him, I will NEVER give up on him, but I need to distance myself from him for now. So maybe he is glad that I am finally giving him some space, giving him enough of the proverbial rope. I just pray he doesn't hang himself with it.
But if he does, I hope I can remember that it was his decision. Not mine, I am finally going to let him own this.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Step one, he says we need to talk...
So, I am writing this from home, on the laptop, which I am terrible at typing on. So please forgive any major typos or errors.
*****EXPLICIT LANGUAGE WARNING*****
If the over use or abuse of the F word offend you... please stop reading now, cause I am in a vicious vile mood...
Ok, so now that the warnings are out of the way, let me just say this. MOTHERFUCKER. I feel as though the last 2 years of my life and my time and my money been pissed away in vain. I have not spoken to the Prince since Sunday. He is actively drinking and I am quit sure he is using again as well. My guess is weed, and I am almost certain he is using coke again.
I mean, WHAT THE FUCK. Seriously. Is this kid on a suicide mission or what??? He has been out of rehab for 11 days. He has come home stumbling drunk at a minimum of 2 of those days. (yes, Tab, my soul sister we are living parallel lives) The amount of money he has gone through leads me to believe he is using again. My in laws called us over for a " family meeting" tonight, due to his behavior to set boundaries or make decisions. I refused to go. If this fucking kid wants to kill himself, then do not let me stand in his f-ing way. Seriously. i am so trying to let go and work a program, but how exactly am I supposed to do that when every time I am supposed to go to a meeting, he fucks up and I am either expected to come clean it up or I need to be home to take care of La Petit. To top it off, the AH goes to his parents, spends 3 hours there, during which time I find a bottle of vodka and a bunch of empties hidden under his bed and when he gets home he has little or nothing to say about what was discussed, only that my kid is a fuck up, and he cant wait till he ends up in jail so he doesn't have to deal.
So, really, someone, please enlighten me. What the Fuck do I do now??? I can't save this kid, I get this now. But I cant take a fucking bat to his skull either. I am just so fucking done, someone, please stick a fork in me. I am just so disappointed. I am just so sad. i just want it to stop. Really, I get it, I am a bad mom. I have been tried and convicted.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
They wannna make me go to rehab, I say noo. no. no...
Today, at exactly 9:42 a.m. my Prince turned 18 years old.
Seriously. My Prince is 18.
How exactly is it possible that I am old enough to be the mother of someone who is old enough to fight for his country, buy cigarettes, and play lotto, but he can not legally buy a beer; yet he has already spent close to the last 2 years of his life in rehab, and he attends both AA and NA meetings???
There is something seriously wrong with this world.
Friday, June 15, 2007
So I held my head up high, hiding hate that burns inside...
The theme of my blog to date has mostly been about my journey of being the mother of a drug addicted/alcoholic son. This has also been the main focus of my life for the last few years. I am finally embracing the twelve steps of al-anon in order to improve the quality of my own life. I do not expect it to be easy, as I have made alot of my own mistakes and continue the cycle of repeating them over and over again. I have also come to learn that I am classically codependent. I am guessing that this will come as no surprise to any of you.
Although the Prince has been all consuming in my life, I have other alcoholics in my life whose disease I have been able to detach from completely and not allow to affect my well being, at least not as deeply as the Prince has. My husband, AH, is an active raging alcoholic. We still live in the same home, but have had separate bedrooms for many many years now. We are currently in the process of selling our home and once it is sold, we will dissolve our marriage and go our separate ways. This is something I should have done many, many years ago, but I have lacked the courage to do so for a million different reasons.
The love and respect has gone out of our marriage a very long time ago. He has never been there for me and he is certainly not there for his children. He proves this just a little more each day. Yet I still find it sad to end it. I live in fear of ending up alone although realistically, I could not be more alone in my life now if I tried. I guess now that the Prince is at least attempting or pretending to attempt to deal with his recovery and I am letting it go a little more with each day, it is forcing me to face my own demons.
I assume it is classic codependent behavior to stay in a relationship that stopped working years ago. I guess it is classic alcoholic behavior that would allow AH to stay with me, knowing it doesn't work, and knowing how I feel. He just locks himself in his room downstairs and drinks and watches TV and shut himself off from La Petit and I at around 8 pm every night and it is just so sad to me. He expects his son to abstain yet he refuses to do so himself.
So my goal for the summer is to begin to learn to love myself and believe that I am worthy of love from another human being and I can still have a fulfilling life and future even though I am now just about pushing forty. This scares me more than I care to admit.
Begging.... serenity.... now, please.
Although the Prince has been all consuming in my life, I have other alcoholics in my life whose disease I have been able to detach from completely and not allow to affect my well being, at least not as deeply as the Prince has. My husband, AH, is an active raging alcoholic. We still live in the same home, but have had separate bedrooms for many many years now. We are currently in the process of selling our home and once it is sold, we will dissolve our marriage and go our separate ways. This is something I should have done many, many years ago, but I have lacked the courage to do so for a million different reasons.
The love and respect has gone out of our marriage a very long time ago. He has never been there for me and he is certainly not there for his children. He proves this just a little more each day. Yet I still find it sad to end it. I live in fear of ending up alone although realistically, I could not be more alone in my life now if I tried. I guess now that the Prince is at least attempting or pretending to attempt to deal with his recovery and I am letting it go a little more with each day, it is forcing me to face my own demons.
I assume it is classic codependent behavior to stay in a relationship that stopped working years ago. I guess it is classic alcoholic behavior that would allow AH to stay with me, knowing it doesn't work, and knowing how I feel. He just locks himself in his room downstairs and drinks and watches TV and shut himself off from La Petit and I at around 8 pm every night and it is just so sad to me. He expects his son to abstain yet he refuses to do so himself.
So my goal for the summer is to begin to learn to love myself and believe that I am worthy of love from another human being and I can still have a fulfilling life and future even though I am now just about pushing forty. This scares me more than I care to admit.
Begging.... serenity.... now, please.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Sometimes I hear my voice, and its been here, silent all these years...
Is it possible that those of us that are affected most by the addiction and alcoholism of the ones we love the deepest can hit OUR bottom also?? That just as an addict must hit their bottom before they are ready to seek help, to admit their powerlessness, that we, their biggest fans, their biggest supporters must also hit our bottom to realize and accept our powerlessness?
Well, my dear blogger buddies, I believe I have hit that bottom with my beloved Prince. I have been doing a lot of reading and praying. I had a really good day at work yesterday. I felt confident in myself for the first time in a long time. I hold a fairly responsible position and much of the last few years, I have felt like a fraud, going through the motions, floundering. Well something changed in me yesterday and the old Kel was back. I remember how to be a professional. How to handle my authority and how to get my job done in the manner in which I am expected to perform it, and I realized I had not been found out for the fraud I thought I was, so maybe I was not a complete fraud after all.
Last night the Prince was to attend an NA meeting. I had decided I was not going to go with him, and I was not going to call him to remind him. Well, when 8:30 came and went and I did not hear from him, I knew he wasn't going. Against my better judgement, I called his cell phone and he was out. He told me that he has decided that he is going to go to AA instead of NA, that NA wasn't for him, and he was going to go AA with a new friend. Just last week he told me that NA was the best thing for him, and it was what he needed to keep him clean. Same old manipulations and lies. Tell Mommy what she wants to hear. I told him that as far as I am concerned, his sobriety has not been a priority and I am washing my hands of it. I love him, but I can not lose any more sleep over this, I can not go back to being the person I was when he was actively using. I informed him that he should prepare to pay the co-payments for the shrink, he can continue to use my insurance, but I was no longer taking responsibility for his sobriety. Financial or otherwise. I am done. I am letting go. Maybe not in the loving way I had hoped to do it... but I am letting go nonetheless.
Well, my dear blogger buddies, I believe I have hit that bottom with my beloved Prince. I have been doing a lot of reading and praying. I had a really good day at work yesterday. I felt confident in myself for the first time in a long time. I hold a fairly responsible position and much of the last few years, I have felt like a fraud, going through the motions, floundering. Well something changed in me yesterday and the old Kel was back. I remember how to be a professional. How to handle my authority and how to get my job done in the manner in which I am expected to perform it, and I realized I had not been found out for the fraud I thought I was, so maybe I was not a complete fraud after all.
Last night the Prince was to attend an NA meeting. I had decided I was not going to go with him, and I was not going to call him to remind him. Well, when 8:30 came and went and I did not hear from him, I knew he wasn't going. Against my better judgement, I called his cell phone and he was out. He told me that he has decided that he is going to go to AA instead of NA, that NA wasn't for him, and he was going to go AA with a new friend. Just last week he told me that NA was the best thing for him, and it was what he needed to keep him clean. Same old manipulations and lies. Tell Mommy what she wants to hear. I told him that as far as I am concerned, his sobriety has not been a priority and I am washing my hands of it. I love him, but I can not lose any more sleep over this, I can not go back to being the person I was when he was actively using. I informed him that he should prepare to pay the co-payments for the shrink, he can continue to use my insurance, but I was no longer taking responsibility for his sobriety. Financial or otherwise. I am done. I am letting go. Maybe not in the loving way I had hoped to do it... but I am letting go nonetheless.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Don't lean on me man, cause you can't afford the ticket...
I am currently reading Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie, and basically, I could have been the model for the book. I am hoping to apply some of the principles I am learning to my life. I really need to master this Letting Go thing.
So I did not make it to a meeting last night after all. The Prince had an NA meeting and I had promised myself that I would start focusing on MY recovery, my well-being, and let HIM focus on his. So I was planning on going to my meeting and he would go to his. This was not an easy decision for me, because I live in fear that if I do not go with him, he will not go. More controlling, co-dependent behavior on my part. If he does not go, he does not go. I can not control this and I will not try any longer.
As I was getting dressed to got to Al-anon, the phone rang, it was my mother in law. She asked if I was going to meet them in front of the church for the meeting, and I said No. She started hesitating and sort of insisting that I go with him. I finally had to tell her to spit out whatever it was she had to say. She suspected the Prince had been drinking, that she smelled "something" but couldn't be sure. I told her to put him on the phone and I confronted him. He went into the denial routine and was very indignant. He hung up on me.
I asked AH to go to the meeting with him because I just wasn't up to this and he got very angry and started spewing how the Prince would be in jail in a year, and how he should just hit the streets now and how he would make sure he ran away if he went to the meeting. So, OK, no support there, I had to go. He was nasty to me when he saw me and told me he didn't want me o go to the meeting with him. Whatever. Its his recovery anyway, I don't think I belong there anymore. I stayed outside and spoke to my MIL for a little bit and when they came for the smoking break, he was really provocative and antagonistic, typical using behavior for him, he didn't look "right" to me. He started to try to block me from closing my car door, and I suggested that he might want to step away, as I was confident the 10-15 big burly guys standing around watching the exchange weren't going to be to receptive to his attacking me, and he finally backed off.
So I do not know if he used or drank or not. I hate that it has to be so confrontational. After reading dear Tabs post this morning, I at least commended her children's honesty, and I envy her ability to see past the moment, and detach with love. If the Prince is using again, and is caught, it will be his third strike and he will no longer be welcome to live at his grandparents home. He will have to make alternate arrangements for sleeping, showering, eating, and being chauffeured around town. I feel he is testing the waters, he doesn't his grandmother will do it to him. He is mistaken.
So I did not make it to a meeting last night after all. The Prince had an NA meeting and I had promised myself that I would start focusing on MY recovery, my well-being, and let HIM focus on his. So I was planning on going to my meeting and he would go to his. This was not an easy decision for me, because I live in fear that if I do not go with him, he will not go. More controlling, co-dependent behavior on my part. If he does not go, he does not go. I can not control this and I will not try any longer.
As I was getting dressed to got to Al-anon, the phone rang, it was my mother in law. She asked if I was going to meet them in front of the church for the meeting, and I said No. She started hesitating and sort of insisting that I go with him. I finally had to tell her to spit out whatever it was she had to say. She suspected the Prince had been drinking, that she smelled "something" but couldn't be sure. I told her to put him on the phone and I confronted him. He went into the denial routine and was very indignant. He hung up on me.
I asked AH to go to the meeting with him because I just wasn't up to this and he got very angry and started spewing how the Prince would be in jail in a year, and how he should just hit the streets now and how he would make sure he ran away if he went to the meeting. So, OK, no support there, I had to go. He was nasty to me when he saw me and told me he didn't want me o go to the meeting with him. Whatever. Its his recovery anyway, I don't think I belong there anymore. I stayed outside and spoke to my MIL for a little bit and when they came for the smoking break, he was really provocative and antagonistic, typical using behavior for him, he didn't look "right" to me. He started to try to block me from closing my car door, and I suggested that he might want to step away, as I was confident the 10-15 big burly guys standing around watching the exchange weren't going to be to receptive to his attacking me, and he finally backed off.
So I do not know if he used or drank or not. I hate that it has to be so confrontational. After reading dear Tabs post this morning, I at least commended her children's honesty, and I envy her ability to see past the moment, and detach with love. If the Prince is using again, and is caught, it will be his third strike and he will no longer be welcome to live at his grandparents home. He will have to make alternate arrangements for sleeping, showering, eating, and being chauffeured around town. I feel he is testing the waters, he doesn't his grandmother will do it to him. He is mistaken.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
In a world full of people, only some want to fly. Isn't that crazy?
Thank you all for being so supportive of yesterdays sad post. I am just in kind a dark place.
The Prince is scaring me. I am having such a difficult time with letting him go. I feel as though the last year and a half have been wasted. He appears to be clean but he is pushing the limits. We are trying to set some boundaries for him, and he is being very resistant. He is starting to play his grandparents and us against each other. I have been pretty straight forward in my opinion that he does not and should not being hanging out every night, and every free moment.
As usual, his priorities are all F-ed up. He has his grandmother driving him all over the island at his whim, to hang out. She is always obliging. I wouldn't be. He doesn't even offer to contribute towards gas. And at $3.43 a gallon, he really should. He thinks his curfew should be later. He is hanging out with people I do not know or have never heard of. He is right back to where he was a few years ago. He just doesn't give a sh*t what anyone says. I know I am supposed to be taking it one day at a time. But I just can't do it. Seriously. That sick, sinking feeling is back with a vengeance.
I just called him and tried to talk to him. Of course it turns into an argument. I know my way of speaking to him doesn't help matters. I come off as angry and he goes on the defense. He seems to have the maturity level of a 13 year old. He just wants to live in the moment and have a good time. He was supposed to graduate from HS on June 24th, he is not going to as he is missing two classes. He has made no effort to find out what needs to be done in order to complete the requirements, and he seems to really care less. I want to help him, but how much is too much when it comes to helping our addicted children? Isn't there a point where he has to stand up and act like a man and stop taking from everyone and start taking responsibility for himself?
He doesn't worry about his future and he doesn't worry about his sobriety. He is confident that he will not relapse, yet it is more important to him to hang out than it is to get back into therapy or to attend meetings. He thinks it is Bullshit that he is expected to do these things.
Tonight I will go to an Al-anon meeting and try to get something out of it. Because, quite honestly, I feel as though I am going crazy. I can no longer hold the weight of the world on my shoulders. I really really wish things were different. I had this fantasy that when he completed the program things would be good, he would seek recovery and work a program, he would beat this, and I could breathe again.
In other news the Italians girlfriend is actively harassing me again via email. I mean, c'mon, seriously, move on. I know I have. I just don't know what to do about it. She is a sick woman.
The Prince is scaring me. I am having such a difficult time with letting him go. I feel as though the last year and a half have been wasted. He appears to be clean but he is pushing the limits. We are trying to set some boundaries for him, and he is being very resistant. He is starting to play his grandparents and us against each other. I have been pretty straight forward in my opinion that he does not and should not being hanging out every night, and every free moment.
As usual, his priorities are all F-ed up. He has his grandmother driving him all over the island at his whim, to hang out. She is always obliging. I wouldn't be. He doesn't even offer to contribute towards gas. And at $3.43 a gallon, he really should. He thinks his curfew should be later. He is hanging out with people I do not know or have never heard of. He is right back to where he was a few years ago. He just doesn't give a sh*t what anyone says. I know I am supposed to be taking it one day at a time. But I just can't do it. Seriously. That sick, sinking feeling is back with a vengeance.
I just called him and tried to talk to him. Of course it turns into an argument. I know my way of speaking to him doesn't help matters. I come off as angry and he goes on the defense. He seems to have the maturity level of a 13 year old. He just wants to live in the moment and have a good time. He was supposed to graduate from HS on June 24th, he is not going to as he is missing two classes. He has made no effort to find out what needs to be done in order to complete the requirements, and he seems to really care less. I want to help him, but how much is too much when it comes to helping our addicted children? Isn't there a point where he has to stand up and act like a man and stop taking from everyone and start taking responsibility for himself?
He doesn't worry about his future and he doesn't worry about his sobriety. He is confident that he will not relapse, yet it is more important to him to hang out than it is to get back into therapy or to attend meetings. He thinks it is Bullshit that he is expected to do these things.
Tonight I will go to an Al-anon meeting and try to get something out of it. Because, quite honestly, I feel as though I am going crazy. I can no longer hold the weight of the world on my shoulders. I really really wish things were different. I had this fantasy that when he completed the program things would be good, he would seek recovery and work a program, he would beat this, and I could breathe again.
In other news the Italians girlfriend is actively harassing me again via email. I mean, c'mon, seriously, move on. I know I have. I just don't know what to do about it. She is a sick woman.
And now some gratitude...
- Cool new Bermuda- like dress shorts from Old Navvy that I bought last night, today I am stylin!!
- Feeling the love from my blogger buddies
- I was able to teach my boss a little something about the business this morning that she didn't know
- The ability to not engage as this psycho chick continues to harass me
- A nice healthy salad for lunch today
- Hope for a much brighter future, and the realization that what will, be will be...
Love on you all!!
Monday, June 11, 2007
Where'd you go? I miss you so...
I have spent the past few says feeling haunted. The ghosts of my past and present, the good ones, the bad ones and the ugly ones. I spent Friday night with one of my younger nieces. She is in her early twenties. She had a hard life, she is the product of two parents who never should have been together or married. They were abusive to each other, alcohol, and I assume drugs. They ultimately divorced and neither of them seemed to realize that parenting their two young girls should be their priority, these girls have ultimately been on their own since their early teens. The older daughter ended up pregnant at 15, a beautiful bright young thing, who now has two children from two different fathers, living with an abusive, jealous, cheater. She does not have the means at this time to get herself out of this relationship. It just brought back to me the days of my youth, where alcohol was such an omnipresent force in my life, and the lives of all those related to me.
Saturday evening I took La Petit and his friend to TGIFs for dinner. While we waited for a table I found myself surrounded by young families. Young, smiling couples with toddlers. It made me yearn for a time in my life when my children were small and I was still filled with hope for a fulfilled life. No concept of what future awaited me. A life filled of sickness, drug and alcohol abuse all around me, unhappiness, dysfunction and adultery.
We had the puppy for the weekend and after dinner, AH and I sat out on the deck while the puppy ran around playing. Our conversation basically consisted of our, or more specifically my trepidation of how the Prince is going to respond to his new freedom since his "release" from his program. He is officially free, and all things considered, the weekend seemed to go OK, so far he seems to have remained clean and sober. He is steering clear of his old friends so far. He is seeing a new girl that I have not met yet. I am not thrilled with the way he is choosing to spend his time. He is back to "hanging out", with no particular destination. My humble opinion is that he should not be sitting around in parks all night with his friends, making out or whatever. I think this is setting him up for a relapse. But I am trying hard to keep this opinion to myself.
My mother called me yesterday and basically expressed her fear that my Dad seemed to be dying and that perhaps I should come for dinner to see him, and he was requesting my brother be there also. My father is a very sick man, and yes, statistically, he is not long for this world, but he had chemo last week and he is always very week and very ill after a treatment for a few days. Of course, in the event that I was wrong, I obliged the request. It is very sad to see my Dad. He has really withered away to nothing, and he is not so with it. He barely contributes to the conversations, and he loses his patience quickly.
AH and the Prince were both working, so it was just La Petit and I. My brother arrived shortly after us and he also came alone. It was strangely reminiscent of my younger years. It was bittersweet to sit outside just the four of us, a shadow of a family past. There is no running from time and this vibrant young family of years ago, has seen the painful effects of what the years can do to you. My father, sickness has left him but a fragment of the father of my youth, a powerful, strong man, the family patriarch, his voice alive with laughter. My brother, his long curly locks now very thin and mostly gray, diabetes has taken 3 of his toes and will ultimately probably take his leg, years of drug and alcohol abuse have dimmed the brightness of his eyes, and leathered his skin. My mother, just an older, tireder version of who she used to be. Self medicating the pain of watching the man she loves slowly deteriorate and die over the last 16 years, as she slowly drinks herself to death. And myself, sad to recall the easier, lighter days of my youth. Disappointed in what became of the grown up me and the loneliness I feel, and how much I miss that vibrant young family.
Saturday evening I took La Petit and his friend to TGIFs for dinner. While we waited for a table I found myself surrounded by young families. Young, smiling couples with toddlers. It made me yearn for a time in my life when my children were small and I was still filled with hope for a fulfilled life. No concept of what future awaited me. A life filled of sickness, drug and alcohol abuse all around me, unhappiness, dysfunction and adultery.
We had the puppy for the weekend and after dinner, AH and I sat out on the deck while the puppy ran around playing. Our conversation basically consisted of our, or more specifically my trepidation of how the Prince is going to respond to his new freedom since his "release" from his program. He is officially free, and all things considered, the weekend seemed to go OK, so far he seems to have remained clean and sober. He is steering clear of his old friends so far. He is seeing a new girl that I have not met yet. I am not thrilled with the way he is choosing to spend his time. He is back to "hanging out", with no particular destination. My humble opinion is that he should not be sitting around in parks all night with his friends, making out or whatever. I think this is setting him up for a relapse. But I am trying hard to keep this opinion to myself.
My mother called me yesterday and basically expressed her fear that my Dad seemed to be dying and that perhaps I should come for dinner to see him, and he was requesting my brother be there also. My father is a very sick man, and yes, statistically, he is not long for this world, but he had chemo last week and he is always very week and very ill after a treatment for a few days. Of course, in the event that I was wrong, I obliged the request. It is very sad to see my Dad. He has really withered away to nothing, and he is not so with it. He barely contributes to the conversations, and he loses his patience quickly.
AH and the Prince were both working, so it was just La Petit and I. My brother arrived shortly after us and he also came alone. It was strangely reminiscent of my younger years. It was bittersweet to sit outside just the four of us, a shadow of a family past. There is no running from time and this vibrant young family of years ago, has seen the painful effects of what the years can do to you. My father, sickness has left him but a fragment of the father of my youth, a powerful, strong man, the family patriarch, his voice alive with laughter. My brother, his long curly locks now very thin and mostly gray, diabetes has taken 3 of his toes and will ultimately probably take his leg, years of drug and alcohol abuse have dimmed the brightness of his eyes, and leathered his skin. My mother, just an older, tireder version of who she used to be. Self medicating the pain of watching the man she loves slowly deteriorate and die over the last 16 years, as she slowly drinks herself to death. And myself, sad to recall the easier, lighter days of my youth. Disappointed in what became of the grown up me and the loneliness I feel, and how much I miss that vibrant young family.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Waking up to find another day...
It seems the Prince and I are, (or really more the Prince) are about to enter a new, and very exciting and frightening stage in our lives. Tomorrow, he is exiting his program. He leaves there on a fairly positive note. Although he was unable to achieve many of the goals the program sets for the kids, he did manage to stay in there, and follow the rules. His classes are over tomorrow and he will turn 18 next Saturday. He has gone as far as he can go there and it is time he enters the real world.
When we started this phase of his recovery more than 15 months ago, I was scared, broken and hopeless. With each passing day of his recovery I looked forward to a time that my Prince would be well again. Not fully understanding this disease and the true depths of how immersed my eldest son was entrenched in it. Or perhaps I did fully understand the disease, and maybe needed to kid myself to get through those long painful first weeks.
As each week of his sobriety passed I gained strength and began to feel hopeful for the first time in a very long time. While I do not know what it feels like to be addicted to drugs and alcohol, I can not begin to explain to you how deeply, profoundly painful it is to be the mother of a child who is. When he first began his program, he was tasked with writing an essay describing his tenure with drug and alcohol use and abuse. He "accidentally" left it where I could find and of course I read it. It was a disturbing piece of literature, beginning with his abuse of the Ritalin he took to treat his attention deficit. Cigarette smoking, followed by marijuana, alcohol, cocaine, vicodin, inhalants, robotripping, triple cs, and crack cocaine (He also relapsed on heroin once). His spiral was fast and furious.
I am not a buzz kill or a hypocrite. I remember how much fun it was on a Friday night to drink with your friends, and how it felt to loose your inhibitions and laugh and have a good time. I never much cared for pot. I smoked it a bit in High School, but honestly it was peer pressure that sucked me in. By the time I was a senior I had already been over the pot smoking phase. I tried cocaine for the first time later that year, I liked it, but not enough to make a habit of. I dabbled with it socially for the next year or two, but again, I didn't like the way it made me feel and the sensation of wanting more when I did it. I started dating a guy who abused it. He used to ask me to drive him to some pretty shady neighborhoods to procure it, and I didn't like that scene one bit. More than one time he was ripped off, sold baby powder or baking soda instead of the real thing and our lives starting revolving around him buying coke. This was just not what I signed up for and I broke up with him. Somehow I am digressing here, as I tend to do when I am feeling too much stress. I guess what I am trying to say is that I was young and wild once too, but somehow, there but for the grace of G*d, I was not an addict.
During those early weeks of his recovery, I barely ate or slept. He would go to his program, come home, curl up in his bed and sleep for hours each day. His depression was palpable. Although he never showed any suicidal tendencies, I lived in fear each day of discovering him in that room dead. Then the self-mutilation started, intensified, and passed. Yet, slowly, he was coming back to us. He was spending more time with us. He was smiling and laughing and his eyes! Those beautiful eyes were clear again. My little Prince Charming was back again. And I cherished every moment as though it were the last, because I knew in my heart, that when it comes to addiction, any moment could be the last.
One of the biggest difficulties I faced was the pulling of my two sons. I am somewhat proud to say that I have raised two mommas boys. Or maybe this was my downfall. Neither of them have ever been close to their father, they both come to me for everything. They both share everything with me. They both command and demand my attention. The Prince was so fragile then, that he took up so much of my time. Looking back now, his behavior was manipulative and unacceptable. My behavior was overbearing and enabling. He used his sobriety as a weapon against me. Making statements such as if I didn't let him do this or that, he would get high. Look, if he wants to get high, he is going to get high. My actions or reactions do not cause it or control it, I know this now. But the fear. That, and my willingness to do anything to keep him sober.
I have come to count on his program as his lifeline. He hates it there, does nothing but bitch about the counselors, the program, the place itself, but he goes. But he followed the rules, he has maintained some short term sobriety, with a few slips, but he keeps getting back up. It worked for us.
We are now trying to figure out his aftercare plans. He has agreed to return to seeing his old shrink for his therapy. He will attend NA meetings to help maintain sobriety, he will work full time and finish his last two classes needed for graduation over the summer. He will reestablish a social life. Herein lies my concerns.
He talks the talk, but he doesn't walk the walk. He has been in enough programs to know importance of People Places and Things. I have gone to enough NA meetings with him to see there are plenty of younger guys working the program, staying clean. There are new kids he is meeting at his new job. People he has met without any association to his drug use. But he stills insists on maintaining a friendship with a kid he used to use with. He says it will not effect his sobriety, and he can handle it. Mind you, this man-boy has not been out of the house on his own for over a year, save the short few days he was on modified curfew and during those few brief hours, he managed to steal dust off to huff, and smoked pot. A week later he relapsed on cocaine. I just do not feel secure in his ability to stay sober, or his desire to really. I know this is my problem. I know I need to trust him and pray for strength and hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Really, I know these things. I just cant go through it all again. It just hurts too damn much to watch him unravel and self destruct again.
Ok, so fifteen months into his recovery and I am still scared and maybe a little less broken, but my hope is quickly fading. We went together to a meeting last night. Before it started we spoke a bit about the rooms and what it means and he got a little indignant as he usually does, and I asked him if he plans on getting a sponsor and he said No. He said he had people to talk, I tried to explain that sponsorship was more than that. I was grateful at the meeting more than one person shared on the importance of having a sponsor and working the steps. But I could see in his eyes that he really doesn't think he is like "these" people. He refused to share, he refused to participate in the reading, he declined my offer to buy him some literature to maybe read on his own. He said he doesn't "do" the reading out loud thing. I asked him why exactly he was going to the meetings, if he was going simply to appease me then he shouldn't bother, that my time would be better spent at meetings of my own, working at healing myself.
We both have our crosses to bear. I hate this F-ing disease.
When we started this phase of his recovery more than 15 months ago, I was scared, broken and hopeless. With each passing day of his recovery I looked forward to a time that my Prince would be well again. Not fully understanding this disease and the true depths of how immersed my eldest son was entrenched in it. Or perhaps I did fully understand the disease, and maybe needed to kid myself to get through those long painful first weeks.
As each week of his sobriety passed I gained strength and began to feel hopeful for the first time in a very long time. While I do not know what it feels like to be addicted to drugs and alcohol, I can not begin to explain to you how deeply, profoundly painful it is to be the mother of a child who is. When he first began his program, he was tasked with writing an essay describing his tenure with drug and alcohol use and abuse. He "accidentally" left it where I could find and of course I read it. It was a disturbing piece of literature, beginning with his abuse of the Ritalin he took to treat his attention deficit. Cigarette smoking, followed by marijuana, alcohol, cocaine, vicodin, inhalants, robotripping, triple cs, and crack cocaine (He also relapsed on heroin once). His spiral was fast and furious.
I am not a buzz kill or a hypocrite. I remember how much fun it was on a Friday night to drink with your friends, and how it felt to loose your inhibitions and laugh and have a good time. I never much cared for pot. I smoked it a bit in High School, but honestly it was peer pressure that sucked me in. By the time I was a senior I had already been over the pot smoking phase. I tried cocaine for the first time later that year, I liked it, but not enough to make a habit of. I dabbled with it socially for the next year or two, but again, I didn't like the way it made me feel and the sensation of wanting more when I did it. I started dating a guy who abused it. He used to ask me to drive him to some pretty shady neighborhoods to procure it, and I didn't like that scene one bit. More than one time he was ripped off, sold baby powder or baking soda instead of the real thing and our lives starting revolving around him buying coke. This was just not what I signed up for and I broke up with him. Somehow I am digressing here, as I tend to do when I am feeling too much stress. I guess what I am trying to say is that I was young and wild once too, but somehow, there but for the grace of G*d, I was not an addict.
During those early weeks of his recovery, I barely ate or slept. He would go to his program, come home, curl up in his bed and sleep for hours each day. His depression was palpable. Although he never showed any suicidal tendencies, I lived in fear each day of discovering him in that room dead. Then the self-mutilation started, intensified, and passed. Yet, slowly, he was coming back to us. He was spending more time with us. He was smiling and laughing and his eyes! Those beautiful eyes were clear again. My little Prince Charming was back again. And I cherished every moment as though it were the last, because I knew in my heart, that when it comes to addiction, any moment could be the last.
One of the biggest difficulties I faced was the pulling of my two sons. I am somewhat proud to say that I have raised two mommas boys. Or maybe this was my downfall. Neither of them have ever been close to their father, they both come to me for everything. They both share everything with me. They both command and demand my attention. The Prince was so fragile then, that he took up so much of my time. Looking back now, his behavior was manipulative and unacceptable. My behavior was overbearing and enabling. He used his sobriety as a weapon against me. Making statements such as if I didn't let him do this or that, he would get high. Look, if he wants to get high, he is going to get high. My actions or reactions do not cause it or control it, I know this now. But the fear. That, and my willingness to do anything to keep him sober.
I have come to count on his program as his lifeline. He hates it there, does nothing but bitch about the counselors, the program, the place itself, but he goes. But he followed the rules, he has maintained some short term sobriety, with a few slips, but he keeps getting back up. It worked for us.
We are now trying to figure out his aftercare plans. He has agreed to return to seeing his old shrink for his therapy. He will attend NA meetings to help maintain sobriety, he will work full time and finish his last two classes needed for graduation over the summer. He will reestablish a social life. Herein lies my concerns.
He talks the talk, but he doesn't walk the walk. He has been in enough programs to know importance of People Places and Things. I have gone to enough NA meetings with him to see there are plenty of younger guys working the program, staying clean. There are new kids he is meeting at his new job. People he has met without any association to his drug use. But he stills insists on maintaining a friendship with a kid he used to use with. He says it will not effect his sobriety, and he can handle it. Mind you, this man-boy has not been out of the house on his own for over a year, save the short few days he was on modified curfew and during those few brief hours, he managed to steal dust off to huff, and smoked pot. A week later he relapsed on cocaine. I just do not feel secure in his ability to stay sober, or his desire to really. I know this is my problem. I know I need to trust him and pray for strength and hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Really, I know these things. I just cant go through it all again. It just hurts too damn much to watch him unravel and self destruct again.
Ok, so fifteen months into his recovery and I am still scared and maybe a little less broken, but my hope is quickly fading. We went together to a meeting last night. Before it started we spoke a bit about the rooms and what it means and he got a little indignant as he usually does, and I asked him if he plans on getting a sponsor and he said No. He said he had people to talk, I tried to explain that sponsorship was more than that. I was grateful at the meeting more than one person shared on the importance of having a sponsor and working the steps. But I could see in his eyes that he really doesn't think he is like "these" people. He refused to share, he refused to participate in the reading, he declined my offer to buy him some literature to maybe read on his own. He said he doesn't "do" the reading out loud thing. I asked him why exactly he was going to the meetings, if he was going simply to appease me then he shouldn't bother, that my time would be better spent at meetings of my own, working at healing myself.
We both have our crosses to bear. I hate this F-ing disease.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
There's blood on the streets it's up to my ankles...
As inspired by Anonymous Alcoholic... Today I gave blood for the first time in a really long time. It really felt good to do something for someone other than myself. That, and they gave me some free cookies.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
It's hard to believe, that there's nobobdy out there...
I attended my first ever Al-anon meeting last night. I have very mixed feelings about it. I am supposed to attend 6 beginner meetings before I make a decision if the program is right for me. After we went over the basic "business" of the meeting, they broke out the "beginners", there were 4 of us. A long time al-anoner explained her story to us, child of an alcoholic, married an alcoholic, etc., and then she explained the program. I liked her but she was mousy.
She then gave an opportunity to share. Me, being the timid little mouse that I am, offered to share first. I advised them, that they should let me know when they had heard enough as I liked to talk and love having the "spotlight". The woman next to me kept shaking her head in agreement as I spoke. When it was her turn, she shared that she also has a drug addicted son. Crack-cocaine is his DOC. She is a classic enabler. She needs help. The next woman was 30, she was adorable, she looked 23. Her husband was in a 28 day program detoxing from alcohol. His alcoholism led him to get physical with her and that was the straw that broke the camels back. The last one to share, was embarrassed to tell her mild story, after hearing our horror stories. Her husband of 2 years has been clean and sober for 17 years. She didn't know him when he was drinking, she is just trying to gain some insight into the disease. She was very sweet.
During the break we were given beginners packets which included literature and pre-printed phone lists. There was also literature available for purchase and pamphlets. I stayed for the second half of the meeting and the topic was unacceptable behavior. One lady shared about her drug addicted twin sons, one got clean and got his act together, the other did not. OK, I was feeling good, that was three mothers of addicts in the room. Things were looking up for me. A few others shared about their husbands alcoholic behaviors, and another started babbling about her best friend who takes advantage of her. There was no mention of drugs or alcohol. I think she may have been a co-dependent type who was working this program because there doesn't seem to be a CODA group near us. I hate to say it, but she annoyed me. Alot. I know I won't like everyone, and I know I don't walk in her shoes, or know what her struggles are, but she was awfully upset and carrying on about her friend asking her to babysit every weekend and her inability to say no.
I believe I may have made a new friend in the other beginner Mom with the crackhead son. We had a lot in common. We live near each other, we exchanged phone numbers and decided to try another beginners meeting at a different group on Sunday night. I was feeling quite sad over the weekend about how few friends I have these days. It seems my old friends are moving forward with their lives and I am stuck here in this loop of pain. I also have been feeling as though I have no opportunities to make new friends in my life and didn't expect this to happen.
Ok, so now, here is where I feel like a total nutcase. Is it weird that I like the NA meetings better? The NA people were grittier. I felt more comfortable with them. There are no "pre-printed" phone lists, they passed around a meeting list and hand wrote their names and numbers. When we introduced ourselves at Al-anon, you only give your name, not why you are there. There was less hugging. They stressed the anonymity thing repeatedly. I was more nervous walking into Al-anon than I was at NA. It's funny Scout recently shared some pics of her home group, it was pretty run down, however the NA home group that I was attending with the Prince could have been the long lost twin cousin of her place. The meetings are in a tiny dingy, dirty, smelly room in the basement of a church. Paint peeling from the walls. Mismatched chairs, wobbly tables and crowded to the hilts. I loved it. Last night the meeting was held at a Catholic School cafeteria. It was very nice. Very roomy. the tables and chairs all matched. There was no strange odor. The coffee was instant. I did not feel totally at home. They closed with the "Our Father" rather than the Serenity Prayer. I was not too comfortable with that. I am trying to embrace a higher power, but I am not sure it will be the G-d of my catholic upbringing.
She then gave an opportunity to share. Me, being the timid little mouse that I am, offered to share first. I advised them, that they should let me know when they had heard enough as I liked to talk and love having the "spotlight". The woman next to me kept shaking her head in agreement as I spoke. When it was her turn, she shared that she also has a drug addicted son. Crack-cocaine is his DOC. She is a classic enabler. She needs help. The next woman was 30, she was adorable, she looked 23. Her husband was in a 28 day program detoxing from alcohol. His alcoholism led him to get physical with her and that was the straw that broke the camels back. The last one to share, was embarrassed to tell her mild story, after hearing our horror stories. Her husband of 2 years has been clean and sober for 17 years. She didn't know him when he was drinking, she is just trying to gain some insight into the disease. She was very sweet.
During the break we were given beginners packets which included literature and pre-printed phone lists. There was also literature available for purchase and pamphlets. I stayed for the second half of the meeting and the topic was unacceptable behavior. One lady shared about her drug addicted twin sons, one got clean and got his act together, the other did not. OK, I was feeling good, that was three mothers of addicts in the room. Things were looking up for me. A few others shared about their husbands alcoholic behaviors, and another started babbling about her best friend who takes advantage of her. There was no mention of drugs or alcohol. I think she may have been a co-dependent type who was working this program because there doesn't seem to be a CODA group near us. I hate to say it, but she annoyed me. Alot. I know I won't like everyone, and I know I don't walk in her shoes, or know what her struggles are, but she was awfully upset and carrying on about her friend asking her to babysit every weekend and her inability to say no.
I believe I may have made a new friend in the other beginner Mom with the crackhead son. We had a lot in common. We live near each other, we exchanged phone numbers and decided to try another beginners meeting at a different group on Sunday night. I was feeling quite sad over the weekend about how few friends I have these days. It seems my old friends are moving forward with their lives and I am stuck here in this loop of pain. I also have been feeling as though I have no opportunities to make new friends in my life and didn't expect this to happen.
Ok, so now, here is where I feel like a total nutcase. Is it weird that I like the NA meetings better? The NA people were grittier. I felt more comfortable with them. There are no "pre-printed" phone lists, they passed around a meeting list and hand wrote their names and numbers. When we introduced ourselves at Al-anon, you only give your name, not why you are there. There was less hugging. They stressed the anonymity thing repeatedly. I was more nervous walking into Al-anon than I was at NA. It's funny Scout recently shared some pics of her home group, it was pretty run down, however the NA home group that I was attending with the Prince could have been the long lost twin cousin of her place. The meetings are in a tiny dingy, dirty, smelly room in the basement of a church. Paint peeling from the walls. Mismatched chairs, wobbly tables and crowded to the hilts. I loved it. Last night the meeting was held at a Catholic School cafeteria. It was very nice. Very roomy. the tables and chairs all matched. There was no strange odor. The coffee was instant. I did not feel totally at home. They closed with the "Our Father" rather than the Serenity Prayer. I was not too comfortable with that. I am trying to embrace a higher power, but I am not sure it will be the G-d of my catholic upbringing.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
She just wants to love herself...
The Prince did take off on Thursday, but guess what... HE GOT A JOB!!! He started working at a local marine shop. He will do be doing inventory, stock work, etc. He started Friday afternoon and he worked all weekend. In celebration of Memorial Day weekend, the store was serving hot dogs and refreshments outside all weekend and that's what he did. He called me Saturday morning telling me to come and visit him and have a hot dog. I don't think I have ever felt so much pride in my whole life as seeing my Prince standing out there giving out free hot dogs. He is working every day after his program and all weekend. He is like a different person, like he has a purpose now. I am very proud of him.
I met someone at a BBQ this weekend who started out in NA and now goes to AA. He has been clean and sober for 17 years. He was deeply into coke and heroin, speed balls specifically and drinking. He had done 6 tries in rehab, was thrown out of his family home at the age of 17, lived on the streets, did some prison time, and is now running a multi million dollar family business with a beautiful wife and three lovely daughters. We spoke at length and he was able to provoke the Prince into a conversation when he stopped by after work. (Sorry, I just love saying the Prince and work in the SAME sentence). He did not think it was wise that I was going to NA with the Prince and could not have been more adamant about me going to Al-Anon. Now. Immediately. As Soon As Possible. He left the BBQ to go to a meeting and when he returned, he told me he spoke to his sponsor about me and they were going to get me the local Al-Anon meeting list and get me going. He also told the Prince how he preferred AA to NA as he sees more long term sobriety in AA then he ever saw in NA. He offered to take him to a meeting and he gave him his phone number, and that he can and should call... any time, for any reason, but especially before picking up a drink or using.
I love AA and NA and all of it's members. I am not so sure my son is ready to embrace a program yet, but I know that I am. Everyone I have met to date that is in the rooms (blogger peeps included) is just so willing to help and embrace those of us that need it in regard to this disease. To date, every one who has any experience living with this awful disease in one way or another, has offered me the same advice- get myself to a meeting.
So tonight I am going to try to attend an Al-Anon meeting or an Nar-Anon meeting. There is one of each equal distance from my home. It will be a far more effective way of spending my evening rather than laying in bed feeling sorry for myself and angry at the AH the way I usually do.
Thank you all for listening.
I met someone at a BBQ this weekend who started out in NA and now goes to AA. He has been clean and sober for 17 years. He was deeply into coke and heroin, speed balls specifically and drinking. He had done 6 tries in rehab, was thrown out of his family home at the age of 17, lived on the streets, did some prison time, and is now running a multi million dollar family business with a beautiful wife and three lovely daughters. We spoke at length and he was able to provoke the Prince into a conversation when he stopped by after work. (Sorry, I just love saying the Prince and work in the SAME sentence). He did not think it was wise that I was going to NA with the Prince and could not have been more adamant about me going to Al-Anon. Now. Immediately. As Soon As Possible. He left the BBQ to go to a meeting and when he returned, he told me he spoke to his sponsor about me and they were going to get me the local Al-Anon meeting list and get me going. He also told the Prince how he preferred AA to NA as he sees more long term sobriety in AA then he ever saw in NA. He offered to take him to a meeting and he gave him his phone number, and that he can and should call... any time, for any reason, but especially before picking up a drink or using.
I love AA and NA and all of it's members. I am not so sure my son is ready to embrace a program yet, but I know that I am. Everyone I have met to date that is in the rooms (blogger peeps included) is just so willing to help and embrace those of us that need it in regard to this disease. To date, every one who has any experience living with this awful disease in one way or another, has offered me the same advice- get myself to a meeting.
So tonight I am going to try to attend an Al-Anon meeting or an Nar-Anon meeting. There is one of each equal distance from my home. It will be a far more effective way of spending my evening rather than laying in bed feeling sorry for myself and angry at the AH the way I usually do.
Thank you all for listening.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Set me free, why don't you...
Last night I dreamt of being on a cruise with my family, and that I was able to leave the ship and take what appeared to be a "magical" train and I was able to visit different countries and sample different varieties of food and culture. It was a long, vivid dream, as most of my dreams are, and it ended with me being with a man in Jamaica and we were shopping and he took me to a place where only residents were allowed and they were angry with him for being with me and with me for being with him, and he was being oppressed and he got angry with me and I can remember chasing him and asking how long he was going to stay angry with me, and we were by the ocean, and it was really rough, and then I woke up, late, as usual.
I have dreams like this, ones that usually involve the ocean, being very rough, and very intimidating when I am feeling very overwhelmed with life. But the odd part of this particular dream was the love I felt for this man and my inability to keep him happy. Which I guess is just a part of my codependency issues. I am struggling greatly with being alone. I know that I am responsible for my own happiness and that I can not expect or need a man in my life to complete me. But what about loneliness and someone to share with? Someone to tell me "G-d bless you when I sneeze?
It has been a difficult week. Last Saturday at NA, it was a "pitch" meeting. A member would start and be given an opportunity to share that would be timed and should not exceed 4 minutes and then they were to choose who was to share next. Someone "pitched" to the Prince. At first he said he did not want to share and he had nothing to say. These people are wonderful and they weren't having it, they encouraged him and asked a few questions and he shared a little and I was really proud of him. Of course I wanted someone to pitch to me, but I guess as the "mom" I don't get to share.
During the smoking break, he started talking to some younger guys that were there. I went back in and he stayed outside with them for quite awhile. I was getting a bit annoyed, because I thought he should come back to the meeting. I THOUGHT. Key words. I even want to control how he conducts himself at meetings. After the meeting he told me he wants to start coming by himself from now on. Of course I took this as he is planning on getting high with one of these new kids, or that he plans on sneaking out of the meeting to go get high or something of that nature. I still do not trust him at all and I realize I have made absolutely no progress at all in my ability to let go. I may talk the talk, but I do not believe in myself or in him at all.
At this meeting, a young man shared about how his one year anniversary is coming up, and how he subconsciously thinks deep within himself, that it is like a graduation of sorts, like, "Hey, I stayed clean for one year, now I can be rewarded and go get high". Thankfully, from coming to meetings and working his program he came to realize that it isn't like a graduation. He is STILL an addict. He will ALWAYS be an addict, and he has to keep on not using, and keep on coming to meetings and then and only then, can he achieve success in his sobriety.
This got me to thinking about alot of the stuff that I don't like to think about with the Prince. I have seen some stuff on some my space accounts that he wrote making reference to how the party is going to be "ON" when he is finally "free" next month. He also made some comments to be regarding members who have 10 or more years of sobriety, and how he could not even imagine that. I told him he doesn't have to ever think about staying clean except for one day at a time. He said he knows he will relapse again. He just knows it.
When the Prince first started his program, I did alot of research and reading on addiction and treatment models, etc. To be honest at first I did not have alot of faith in twelve steps because I didn't know enough about it and not being a religious or even spiritual person, didn't think it could work for people like us. The program he attends does not use twelve steps. There is alot of hocus-pocus lingo out there stating that rehabilitation for adolescents has come a long way since its inception. That currently, treatment is different for adolescents than it is for adults. I agree that 30 days residential treatment and then into meetings does not work for kids. Absolutely. Kids need long term care, not necessarily residential for all kids, but a long term treatment plan that involves therapy, education, family involvement, positive reinforcement, etc. But I have since come to believe that, while the Prince has benefited from the program in alot of ways, he has maintained sobriety, albeit with many relapses, I am not so sure this will help him to achieve long term sobriety. I don't think he can do it without the twelve steps, and he has since told me he will go to meetings but he wont do the steps.
He will be 18 in 3 short weeks. He will age out of his program at the end of June. He will have to do some summer school in order to graduate. The we will need to put a follow up treatment plan into place. We have discussed him seeing his old therapist, who we all have seen in my family and I respect and trust him immensely, he will go to an alternative HS program for disaffected students for the summer with a small teacher to student ratio to get the last few credits he needs in order to graduate, and he will attend meeting 3-4 nights a week as apposed to going to intensive outpatient treatment a few afternoon a week. It all looks really good on paper. He will presumably get some work. He needs to get a job. He has made beyond no effort to do this.
Manipulation. He is the master. He has been bugging me for the last week or two for a day off. He will call me at night and say, "Hi Mommy," and I know he wants something. He only calls me Mommy when he wants something. The program is in "crisis" mode for the remainder of the week, which means, they sit in a room all day and do nothing, no group, no activities, no nothing. This is because one of the younger kids (younger meaning new to the program) did something unacceptable and wont own up to it so the entire group is punished for it. He is furious about it, he didn't want to go today. I worked from 8 a.m. yesterday until after 7 p.m. last night without even taking a break for lunch. I have working these hours all week. I was tired and not in the mood for his BS I told him he was going and it was off the table for discussion.
Prince Charming turned into the Beast. He got nasty and hung up on me. Whatever. This morning when he came over, he came in my room and immediately started. I didn't have the fight in me so I told him to do whatever the F he wanted to do, that I just don't give a damn anymore, go to school, don't go, I don't care. He got loud and in my face, just like the old days. It confirmed my feelings that we cannot live in the same house anymore because I just cant take the emotional abuse. So, bottom line, he didn't go. He wins. Just like he always does.
I have dreams like this, ones that usually involve the ocean, being very rough, and very intimidating when I am feeling very overwhelmed with life. But the odd part of this particular dream was the love I felt for this man and my inability to keep him happy. Which I guess is just a part of my codependency issues. I am struggling greatly with being alone. I know that I am responsible for my own happiness and that I can not expect or need a man in my life to complete me. But what about loneliness and someone to share with? Someone to tell me "G-d bless you when I sneeze?
It has been a difficult week. Last Saturday at NA, it was a "pitch" meeting. A member would start and be given an opportunity to share that would be timed and should not exceed 4 minutes and then they were to choose who was to share next. Someone "pitched" to the Prince. At first he said he did not want to share and he had nothing to say. These people are wonderful and they weren't having it, they encouraged him and asked a few questions and he shared a little and I was really proud of him. Of course I wanted someone to pitch to me, but I guess as the "mom" I don't get to share.
During the smoking break, he started talking to some younger guys that were there. I went back in and he stayed outside with them for quite awhile. I was getting a bit annoyed, because I thought he should come back to the meeting. I THOUGHT. Key words. I even want to control how he conducts himself at meetings. After the meeting he told me he wants to start coming by himself from now on. Of course I took this as he is planning on getting high with one of these new kids, or that he plans on sneaking out of the meeting to go get high or something of that nature. I still do not trust him at all and I realize I have made absolutely no progress at all in my ability to let go. I may talk the talk, but I do not believe in myself or in him at all.
At this meeting, a young man shared about how his one year anniversary is coming up, and how he subconsciously thinks deep within himself, that it is like a graduation of sorts, like, "Hey, I stayed clean for one year, now I can be rewarded and go get high". Thankfully, from coming to meetings and working his program he came to realize that it isn't like a graduation. He is STILL an addict. He will ALWAYS be an addict, and he has to keep on not using, and keep on coming to meetings and then and only then, can he achieve success in his sobriety.
This got me to thinking about alot of the stuff that I don't like to think about with the Prince. I have seen some stuff on some my space accounts that he wrote making reference to how the party is going to be "ON" when he is finally "free" next month. He also made some comments to be regarding members who have 10 or more years of sobriety, and how he could not even imagine that. I told him he doesn't have to ever think about staying clean except for one day at a time. He said he knows he will relapse again. He just knows it.
When the Prince first started his program, I did alot of research and reading on addiction and treatment models, etc. To be honest at first I did not have alot of faith in twelve steps because I didn't know enough about it and not being a religious or even spiritual person, didn't think it could work for people like us. The program he attends does not use twelve steps. There is alot of hocus-pocus lingo out there stating that rehabilitation for adolescents has come a long way since its inception. That currently, treatment is different for adolescents than it is for adults. I agree that 30 days residential treatment and then into meetings does not work for kids. Absolutely. Kids need long term care, not necessarily residential for all kids, but a long term treatment plan that involves therapy, education, family involvement, positive reinforcement, etc. But I have since come to believe that, while the Prince has benefited from the program in alot of ways, he has maintained sobriety, albeit with many relapses, I am not so sure this will help him to achieve long term sobriety. I don't think he can do it without the twelve steps, and he has since told me he will go to meetings but he wont do the steps.
He will be 18 in 3 short weeks. He will age out of his program at the end of June. He will have to do some summer school in order to graduate. The we will need to put a follow up treatment plan into place. We have discussed him seeing his old therapist, who we all have seen in my family and I respect and trust him immensely, he will go to an alternative HS program for disaffected students for the summer with a small teacher to student ratio to get the last few credits he needs in order to graduate, and he will attend meeting 3-4 nights a week as apposed to going to intensive outpatient treatment a few afternoon a week. It all looks really good on paper. He will presumably get some work. He needs to get a job. He has made beyond no effort to do this.
Manipulation. He is the master. He has been bugging me for the last week or two for a day off. He will call me at night and say, "Hi Mommy," and I know he wants something. He only calls me Mommy when he wants something. The program is in "crisis" mode for the remainder of the week, which means, they sit in a room all day and do nothing, no group, no activities, no nothing. This is because one of the younger kids (younger meaning new to the program) did something unacceptable and wont own up to it so the entire group is punished for it. He is furious about it, he didn't want to go today. I worked from 8 a.m. yesterday until after 7 p.m. last night without even taking a break for lunch. I have working these hours all week. I was tired and not in the mood for his BS I told him he was going and it was off the table for discussion.
Prince Charming turned into the Beast. He got nasty and hung up on me. Whatever. This morning when he came over, he came in my room and immediately started. I didn't have the fight in me so I told him to do whatever the F he wanted to do, that I just don't give a damn anymore, go to school, don't go, I don't care. He got loud and in my face, just like the old days. It confirmed my feelings that we cannot live in the same house anymore because I just cant take the emotional abuse. So, bottom line, he didn't go. He wins. Just like he always does.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Theres a dark cloud following me.....
This is the view from my office window yesterday as a thunderstorm came rapidly through the area.
I wish the stormy weather in my life could come and go as fast as a thunderstorm.
Last week I briefly contemplated making the best of things with AH and maybe trying to move past all of the anger and resentment to see if there could be something left.
We took La Petit out for dinner a few nights together, and it makes him so happy. It is sad because there is really nothing to say. We are different on so many levels. The conversation is forced and uncomfortable. So along comes the weekend and Saturday I went to sleep early, as usual, and I woke up in the middle of the night to get a bottle of water. I go downstairs to the kitchen, and there is AH, passed out drunk at the kitchen table, naked. Why does he have to be naked when he drinks? I have never understood this.
Normally I would wake him up and yell at him to go back to his room so as not to risk La Petit seeing him in that condition. But I was so angry, so disappointed, and I decided, F- it let him see him for who he really is. Why do I have to keep covering it up and protecting him? He doesn's seem to care who sees him, so why should I? Well, I woke up around 6 a.m. on Mothers Day and thought how sad for La Petit to wake up early to make me breakfast and find his Drunk Dad passed out naked in the kitchen, so I went down to tell him to move. The kitchen chair had been knocked over, the blinds on the sliding doors out to the desk were all screwed up. Of course he wasn't there, or in his room, and once again I got to play Hide and go seek the drunk. I found him in the Princes room, passed out cold.
He woke up and stumbled down to his room, and once again La Petit was disappointed on Mothers Day because his father didn't get him up early and take him to Starbucks to "surprise" me with my latte. I need to let go of this. I must not allow myself to be angered, hurt and disappointed by another's actions and disease any longer. I didn't cause it. I cant control it. I can not cure it.
I just wish that I could.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Tuesday, afternoon...
I think I need to find a little gratitude today before I forget that it could always be worse.
Gratituesday
- Email from La Petits teacher, even though he isn't doing what is expected, she cares enough to communicate it to me.
- A close friend at work to walk with and vent to at lunch
- Spending the day Saturday with my Prince. I can see him growing, slowly.
- My dad being able to spend an hour or so with us on Mothers Day outside of the rehab, although he wasn't feeling well enough to stay very long.
- Vanilla Lattes- Still love them hot, even on warm days.
- Blogger buddies sharing their journeys.
- Sometimes I have some clarity and I know what it is I need to do.
- The ability to find the strength to do it.
Monday, May 14, 2007
There's a shadow just behind me, shrouding every step I take...
There are so many things I want to share today. My head is kind of clouded and full and it is hard for me to organize my thoughts. When I get like this, I feel very anxious and nervous. It is as though my body physically is acting out because my mind is not properly processing all of the thoughts and feelings that I am having. This is not a good thing.
Saturday morning the Prince and I went to NA. It was an anniversary meeting. A man had achieved 8 years of sobriety. There was singing, cake and people speaking on his behalf. I felt honored to be a part of this. Hearing first hand from real live people, drug addicts, the trials and tribulations of their rise and fall of their drug using to me is brilliant. One spoke of growing up in an alcoholic family and the alcohol soaked parties every weekend, where at the ripe young age of 5 or 6 years old he remembers waking up early the next day and he and his brother drinking the leftover drinks that littered the house.
This story made me cringe more than a little because when we were young and the Prince was a toddler, possibly a little older, I am embarrassed to say we did our share of partying. I, of course being the control freak that I am, never left a mess when I went to sleep so my kids weren't in a position to drink the leftovers, but what kind of example did i think I was setting exactly?
Drinking was a big part of my life growing up. My Dad owned a bar or two in Brooklyn when I was growing up. He was an active alcoholic and I can remember more times than I care to, being woken up to the sound of him vomiting violently. Parties and holidays were all about the drinking. Each holiday had it's own special cocktail. Thanksgiving they served lemonade daiquiris. My fathers own special concoction. The holiday meals were followed with card playing and they drank angel tips. Some kind of liqueur with cream poured over it. They were quite lovely to look at. All of the drinks they served each came with its own special glass. Presentation was a big part of my parents drinking. I remember loving the beautiful crystal tulip glasses and matching pitcher my dad served the daiquiris in. It seemed so eloquent. (It was a tradition I carried on when I married and began taking over the holidays. I searched for years to find the same tulip glasses he served them in).
My parents left the "city" and bought a home in the suburbs with the small inheritance they received when my dads parents passed away within just 4 months of each other when I was three years old. As an adult I came to learn that alcoholism contributed to both of their deaths. My mom was a stay at home mom back then and she didn't drive. The first thing my parents did to their new home was build a custom bar in the basement. Special ordered the bar stools and everything. I have memories of parties that lasted for days. It was exciting for us, because the adults would give us money. We didn't think there was anything wrong with people partying and singing Irish pub songs till 6 in the morning. It was "normal".
Vacations were all about drinking. Boating was all about drinking. My Aunts and Uncles all drank. I had an Uncle that used to carry fresh squeezed orange juice in his briefcase to mix with his Gin when he stopped over. Another Uncle never went anywhere without his little cooler filled with cheap beer. Drinking and driving were the norm. Wine was consumed by the gallon just for the sake of it, not for enhancing the taste of food or for the sake of a good wine. I mean, lets be serious, how much can a glass of Chablis that came out of a 3 gallon vacuum sealed box, add to your meal?
I was 14 the first time I drank to the point of intoxication. We were in a little park, more of a field really, and I just started hanging out with a new group of friends. We drank little beers, we called them "quickies". I do not remember how much I drank, but I remember feeling light and free and dizzy and I liked it. One of the guys in our "group" pinched my breasts. I was too drunk to stop him or care about it. I realize now, that my first drunken experience happened simultaneously with the first time I was sexually harassed.
Looking back now through an adults eyes, I can see these kids were misfits. Most of them came from broken homes, single parent families where the mom worked all the time and there was little or no supervision. Many of these kids were not as "privileged" as myself. They all came from dysfunctional families of some sort. And I guess that I did too. I just didn't know it. This was a mix of guys and girls and they accepted me and my friend with open arms. There was a boy in the crew that was a year or so younger than me. He was chronically truant. I now recognize his behavior as he was likely a school phobic. I had a big crush on him and he on me. He was the first boy who ever put his arm around me. I was too shy and too f-ed up in the head to know what to do. It didn't matter because he was soon sent away for his truancy, or at least that is what we heard. I saw him again a year or so later. A friend of mine was dating his friend and we were hanging out at her parents house while they were away for the weekend. We drank beer, she lost her virginity to the boy she was with and I gave my first hand job. I wasn't very good at it. I didn't know what to do, and I was too afraid to ask. My naivete was so profound that I thought that since he had an erection he must surely have liked me. We barely even kissed that night. I don't think I never saw him again after that, maybe he was sent away again, or he moved, I cant remember. I never knew what became of him. I have a sinking suspicion he is not a CEO of some big company somewhere.
Alcohol removed my inhibitions. I felt like I belonged, it gave me the courage to do things sexually that I wasn't ready for, and for the wrong reasons. Alcohol was present at my first sexual experiences and throughout my adolescence. It led me to make unsafe choices, shunning birth control, and not because I was so sexually charged that I couldn't wait, but because I wanted to be wanted. I loved the idea of someone wanting me that badly. This pattern led me to an unwanted pregnancy with a man I barely knew at the age of 20, and ultimately to my marriage and the birth of my Prince.
I do not know where I am going with all of this. Syd's blog had a post last week on Lesson's that really got me to thinking about the relationships in my past and present. Each one tainted in it's own dysfunctional way. My inability to have a healthy relationship with a man. My need for control of the men in my life. My inablility to see a man for who and what he really is. I become so consumed with the idea that they see me as special that my self worth becomes dependent uopn it. The speaker at the meeting Saturday got me to thinking of the role alcohol has played in my life, the life of my family and the life of my children. These two things are dangerously intertwined for me.
Saturday morning the Prince and I went to NA. It was an anniversary meeting. A man had achieved 8 years of sobriety. There was singing, cake and people speaking on his behalf. I felt honored to be a part of this. Hearing first hand from real live people, drug addicts, the trials and tribulations of their rise and fall of their drug using to me is brilliant. One spoke of growing up in an alcoholic family and the alcohol soaked parties every weekend, where at the ripe young age of 5 or 6 years old he remembers waking up early the next day and he and his brother drinking the leftover drinks that littered the house.
This story made me cringe more than a little because when we were young and the Prince was a toddler, possibly a little older, I am embarrassed to say we did our share of partying. I, of course being the control freak that I am, never left a mess when I went to sleep so my kids weren't in a position to drink the leftovers, but what kind of example did i think I was setting exactly?
Drinking was a big part of my life growing up. My Dad owned a bar or two in Brooklyn when I was growing up. He was an active alcoholic and I can remember more times than I care to, being woken up to the sound of him vomiting violently. Parties and holidays were all about the drinking. Each holiday had it's own special cocktail. Thanksgiving they served lemonade daiquiris. My fathers own special concoction. The holiday meals were followed with card playing and they drank angel tips. Some kind of liqueur with cream poured over it. They were quite lovely to look at. All of the drinks they served each came with its own special glass. Presentation was a big part of my parents drinking. I remember loving the beautiful crystal tulip glasses and matching pitcher my dad served the daiquiris in. It seemed so eloquent. (It was a tradition I carried on when I married and began taking over the holidays. I searched for years to find the same tulip glasses he served them in).
My parents left the "city" and bought a home in the suburbs with the small inheritance they received when my dads parents passed away within just 4 months of each other when I was three years old. As an adult I came to learn that alcoholism contributed to both of their deaths. My mom was a stay at home mom back then and she didn't drive. The first thing my parents did to their new home was build a custom bar in the basement. Special ordered the bar stools and everything. I have memories of parties that lasted for days. It was exciting for us, because the adults would give us money. We didn't think there was anything wrong with people partying and singing Irish pub songs till 6 in the morning. It was "normal".
Vacations were all about drinking. Boating was all about drinking. My Aunts and Uncles all drank. I had an Uncle that used to carry fresh squeezed orange juice in his briefcase to mix with his Gin when he stopped over. Another Uncle never went anywhere without his little cooler filled with cheap beer. Drinking and driving were the norm. Wine was consumed by the gallon just for the sake of it, not for enhancing the taste of food or for the sake of a good wine. I mean, lets be serious, how much can a glass of Chablis that came out of a 3 gallon vacuum sealed box, add to your meal?
I was 14 the first time I drank to the point of intoxication. We were in a little park, more of a field really, and I just started hanging out with a new group of friends. We drank little beers, we called them "quickies". I do not remember how much I drank, but I remember feeling light and free and dizzy and I liked it. One of the guys in our "group" pinched my breasts. I was too drunk to stop him or care about it. I realize now, that my first drunken experience happened simultaneously with the first time I was sexually harassed.
Looking back now through an adults eyes, I can see these kids were misfits. Most of them came from broken homes, single parent families where the mom worked all the time and there was little or no supervision. Many of these kids were not as "privileged" as myself. They all came from dysfunctional families of some sort. And I guess that I did too. I just didn't know it. This was a mix of guys and girls and they accepted me and my friend with open arms. There was a boy in the crew that was a year or so younger than me. He was chronically truant. I now recognize his behavior as he was likely a school phobic. I had a big crush on him and he on me. He was the first boy who ever put his arm around me. I was too shy and too f-ed up in the head to know what to do. It didn't matter because he was soon sent away for his truancy, or at least that is what we heard. I saw him again a year or so later. A friend of mine was dating his friend and we were hanging out at her parents house while they were away for the weekend. We drank beer, she lost her virginity to the boy she was with and I gave my first hand job. I wasn't very good at it. I didn't know what to do, and I was too afraid to ask. My naivete was so profound that I thought that since he had an erection he must surely have liked me. We barely even kissed that night. I don't think I never saw him again after that, maybe he was sent away again, or he moved, I cant remember. I never knew what became of him. I have a sinking suspicion he is not a CEO of some big company somewhere.
Alcohol removed my inhibitions. I felt like I belonged, it gave me the courage to do things sexually that I wasn't ready for, and for the wrong reasons. Alcohol was present at my first sexual experiences and throughout my adolescence. It led me to make unsafe choices, shunning birth control, and not because I was so sexually charged that I couldn't wait, but because I wanted to be wanted. I loved the idea of someone wanting me that badly. This pattern led me to an unwanted pregnancy with a man I barely knew at the age of 20, and ultimately to my marriage and the birth of my Prince.
I do not know where I am going with all of this. Syd's blog had a post last week on Lesson's that really got me to thinking about the relationships in my past and present. Each one tainted in it's own dysfunctional way. My inability to have a healthy relationship with a man. My need for control of the men in my life. My inablility to see a man for who and what he really is. I become so consumed with the idea that they see me as special that my self worth becomes dependent uopn it. The speaker at the meeting Saturday got me to thinking of the role alcohol has played in my life, the life of my family and the life of my children. These two things are dangerously intertwined for me.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Should I love or should I fight is it all the same to you?
Not much to offer today. I am upset with both of my Princes. Apparently neither of them believe that the work assigned to them in their respective schools applies to them. I am just so over it. Life is going to kick the Prince in the a** someday soon if he doesn't start to realize he has to follow the same rules as the rest of us. Only he will lack a formal education, he will be judged for his past, and he seems to have the maturity level of a 12 year old, so he will have it just that much harder. La Petit just doesn't "like" to do his homework. I mean, c'mon... WTF??
Have a nice weekend y'all.
Have a nice weekend y'all.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness...
I am so overwhelmed at work right now that the last thing I should be doing is blogging. But I need to vent and blogging has become my venting outlet of choice lately.
I have heard of alcoholic and drug addicts in recovery who have "using" dreams. In fact I have read about it in detail in many of your blogs and the Prince had told me when he was first getting clean about having some. Well, I tend to have "mother of the user using dreams". Does that make sense? I often have dreams about the Prince relapsing and they are so real and vivid and frightening that I wake up drenched in sweat, heart racing and trembling all over. I dreamt last night that he was relapsing right in front of me on some kind of amazing new pills and it was crazy, I could see him, high as a kite, as clear as day, I can still see it now. And we were fighting and I was crying and he and his dad were fighting, physically, and it was just so REAL.
I hate to admit how superstitious I am, but I always think if I talk to much about how well the Prince is doing or if I write about him being clean, then sure enough, I will get the call about a dirty urine. I know he has been talking to a girl who I know smokes pot. I spoke to a woman who is the mom of someone the Prince used to get high with this morning. We were pretty tight last year when I was trying to get the Prince into rehab. At the time she was in denial about the extent of her sons drug use, she hid it from her husband, made excuses etc. I didn't preach to her or push her, but I was sad that she didn't try to do more to get him help, he is a good kid who has the disease. He is a mess right now and I heard that his DOC is Ange Dust and probably alot more that he is using. There were also rumors floating a few months ago that the Prince was using dust, but it never showed up in his urine. My gut tells me he was doing it. I hate that my gut tells me these things with such clarity. Wish it could me the lottery numbers!
These dreams disturb me for the rest of the day. I feel like it was a premonition of sorts and am waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is only going to one NA meeting a week and that is because he has to. I don't know if I should be making him got to more meetings. I know that I would like to go to a meeting with him tonight. I can suggest it and he will initially deflect me, I can force the issue, but then the whole scene will be unpleasant, and there has just been so much unpleasantness around me these days, I don't need any more.
The harassment is continuing from the Italians girlfriend. Our youngest children go to school together and they are friends. La Petit innocently asked her daughter to go to a movie with us last night, not knowing what the situation was. She freaked and started leaving psycho threatening voice mails on my husbands voicemail about what a tram I am and to keep my son away from her daughter and basically threatening my son. I received another threatening email from her this morning, this time involving my drug addict son and alcoholic husband. This is now full blown harassment. I have not and will not engage. She is sick and they deserve each other. I just wish she could move forward and get on with her life and leave me and my little dysfunctional family out of her life. It doesn't look like that is going to happen. I think I may go to the police precint today and formally press charges. I am just not sure where that will get me. I would have let it be, but she is now threatening my child and I truly do not trust her. Any advice?
So, OK, the lessons I have learned here are to not get myself involved with any one until my divorce is final. And maybe even after that. I am now beating myself up further about bringing this on myself. I made a decision, a selfish choice to meet my own needs, to be with a man who has brought on so much destruction and damage to my life. All the while throwing up at me the things that hurt me the most: My children, my sons addiction, the pain of my marriage failing due to my husbands alcoholism, and now they are further trying to hurt my little one. Its amazing how when someone wants to hurt you they know just how to do it.
Does anyone remember that Calgonn commercial from the 70s or 80s?? Where the overwhelmed Mom chants.... "Calgonn..... take me away......" Lately, I find my self calling that same motto to my HP.... "HP......Take me away................................."
I have heard of alcoholic and drug addicts in recovery who have "using" dreams. In fact I have read about it in detail in many of your blogs and the Prince had told me when he was first getting clean about having some. Well, I tend to have "mother of the user using dreams". Does that make sense? I often have dreams about the Prince relapsing and they are so real and vivid and frightening that I wake up drenched in sweat, heart racing and trembling all over. I dreamt last night that he was relapsing right in front of me on some kind of amazing new pills and it was crazy, I could see him, high as a kite, as clear as day, I can still see it now. And we were fighting and I was crying and he and his dad were fighting, physically, and it was just so REAL.
I hate to admit how superstitious I am, but I always think if I talk to much about how well the Prince is doing or if I write about him being clean, then sure enough, I will get the call about a dirty urine. I know he has been talking to a girl who I know smokes pot. I spoke to a woman who is the mom of someone the Prince used to get high with this morning. We were pretty tight last year when I was trying to get the Prince into rehab. At the time she was in denial about the extent of her sons drug use, she hid it from her husband, made excuses etc. I didn't preach to her or push her, but I was sad that she didn't try to do more to get him help, he is a good kid who has the disease. He is a mess right now and I heard that his DOC is Ange Dust and probably alot more that he is using. There were also rumors floating a few months ago that the Prince was using dust, but it never showed up in his urine. My gut tells me he was doing it. I hate that my gut tells me these things with such clarity. Wish it could me the lottery numbers!
These dreams disturb me for the rest of the day. I feel like it was a premonition of sorts and am waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is only going to one NA meeting a week and that is because he has to. I don't know if I should be making him got to more meetings. I know that I would like to go to a meeting with him tonight. I can suggest it and he will initially deflect me, I can force the issue, but then the whole scene will be unpleasant, and there has just been so much unpleasantness around me these days, I don't need any more.
The harassment is continuing from the Italians girlfriend. Our youngest children go to school together and they are friends. La Petit innocently asked her daughter to go to a movie with us last night, not knowing what the situation was. She freaked and started leaving psycho threatening voice mails on my husbands voicemail about what a tram I am and to keep my son away from her daughter and basically threatening my son. I received another threatening email from her this morning, this time involving my drug addict son and alcoholic husband. This is now full blown harassment. I have not and will not engage. She is sick and they deserve each other. I just wish she could move forward and get on with her life and leave me and my little dysfunctional family out of her life. It doesn't look like that is going to happen. I think I may go to the police precint today and formally press charges. I am just not sure where that will get me. I would have let it be, but she is now threatening my child and I truly do not trust her. Any advice?
So, OK, the lessons I have learned here are to not get myself involved with any one until my divorce is final. And maybe even after that. I am now beating myself up further about bringing this on myself. I made a decision, a selfish choice to meet my own needs, to be with a man who has brought on so much destruction and damage to my life. All the while throwing up at me the things that hurt me the most: My children, my sons addiction, the pain of my marriage failing due to my husbands alcoholism, and now they are further trying to hurt my little one. Its amazing how when someone wants to hurt you they know just how to do it.
Does anyone remember that Calgonn commercial from the 70s or 80s?? Where the overwhelmed Mom chants.... "Calgonn..... take me away......" Lately, I find my self calling that same motto to my HP.... "HP......Take me away................................."
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Back in the saddle again...
Well I am back at work after my wonderful girlie weekend in Pompano Beach. An added bonus/surprise was the air and sea show was down in Ft. Lauderdale just a stones throw from our beach. It was amazing!! After seeing those amazing planes so close, and the talented pilots, especially the fighter jets, I can only say, it makes me feel REALLY GOOD that these guys are on our side. It was nice to get away, relax and do nothing but lay on the beach and relax and chat it up with my girls for a few days. It was exactly what the doctor ordered.
I am facing some demons today. I can not get the horrible words out of my mind that the Italian said to me. I know that it is only words and that they can only hurt me if it let it, and that he is the one who has this terrible anger to deal with, but still. I am disappointed in myself for even picking up the damn phone. I must not engage. Its over, let it go.
His girlfriend is actively harassing me, in a very passive-aggressive way. The private calls continue but I do not pick them up anymore. Even at work. I changed the voice mail message on my cell phone to a generic one so they can not tell for sure if I still "own" the number. She knows my email address and b'day and has managed to sign me up for some free trial online dating services. Ok, so i have to unsubscribe and delete the messages. Again, I must not engage. These are sick people, and it is almost flattering that they find me so compelling that they think of me often enough to waste their time on me, don't you think??
Ok, so when I got home from my trip, I noticed that the Prince had taken his TV and tv stand from his room in my house and brought it "home" with him to his grandmothers house. Last week he took his computer chair. I know we can not live together, at least not right now, and I know I am doing the right thing, but it hurts to see the last of his stuff slowly leaving my house. The room is looking like a hotel room right now. Very few personal possessions. Just a bed, a dresser, a desk without a chair or computer and the fishtank.
He went to NA with his dad over the weekend. I am proud of them both for going together. And again, I felt left out. As though he doesn't need me so much, that he really can get on without me. I know that is the goal, for our babies to grow up and fly away, but I feel that he is being enabled even more by living with them. She makes his life very easy. He doesn't have to do a damn thing there. She makes his lunch, makes his bed, cleans up after him. He can just lay around and play on his computer and bark demands at her and she grants his every wish. She is a lovely woman, she means well, but I do believe there has to be a happy medium in out parenting skills. I am the Gestapo and she is a mush.
I must start doing more work on ME. I am feeling so needy and worthless. I have gained some weight since I quit smoking and it makes me feel ugly, unattractive and unworthy. My depression is eating away at me, and I find it hard to stay awake unless I am at work. I even mapped two or three times a day while on my mini vacation. I know I must talk to the doc about this and maybe up my meds. I just can't seem to be able to make myself happy. I don't know how to.
Some Gratitude
- Lots of love from La Petit Prince when I came in the door Sunday night.
- A visit with my Dad last night at the rehab unit, he is walking a little better and was anxious to show me.
- Emails from the Tabster sharing and letting me that I am really not alone
- A tornado has not ripped throw my town and reaped pain and devastation on those I love
- The Prince and the appearance of sobriety, even if it is just for today
- My mom made an appointment to have her lungs repaired even though she continues to drink too much and not take her diet seriously
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
We must remain, perfect strangers....
Can you tell I am feeling a bit anxious today? I want to keep this short and sweet and just give you the basics. Had dinner with the Italians ex wife a few nights ago, she cut La Petits hair and then we sat around and chatted. She doesnt want to be in the middle of the drama between me and her ex. We have developed a friendship that goes beyond that. She also does not question her kids about him and his exgirlfriend and or me cause she is just trying to live her own life. Anyway. I spoke with his daughter who I am very close with and she is very upset about the whole situation. My bad, mental note to self, do not allow another mans children to get close to you unless you are sure this is going to be a real, long lasting relationship. Then she proceeds to tell me that the Italian told her to spend he night eavesdropping on me and her Mom. That he wanted to know all of the things that we said about him, and to report it back. I mean OMG, grow up. What kind of man puts a little girl in that osition? He also told her that I was a slut, a lowlife, etc. etc. We spoke for a while about it.
Well guess who just called me ranting and screaming. What a loser, a piece of shit, trash, whore I am. A bad mother who created a drug addict and how its no wonder my husband is an alcoholic having to live with me. What a freaking pyschopath. Telling me to stay away from his kids, then the threats started, how I dont want to mess with him. I let him rant for a few minutes and told him to go F himself and hung up. My god, how do I get myself into these situations???? Well, I guess I should have listened to SYD and stayed far far away from these people. {sigh} Hindsight is everything.
I am very dissappointed because I came in to work feeling good today. Refreshed. Ready for the next phase. Well, at least I know what kind of a person he is now, and I can put it behind me. I did get to tell him what a vulgar disspicable man he is, which made me smile, although I do not think he heard me over his rantings. Geesh... Amazing how fragile a mans ego can be!!!
Had a rough family session at the Prince's program the same night. It kind of seems that the family counselour has it in for him a little. The conversation got a little heated in regard to the Princes reluctance to starting behaving responsibily as he is winding up the program, high school and his early adolescent years. He got upset, threw a fit, starting ranting and stormed out of the session. We continued on without him. The family counselour again discussed all of the problems with the relationship between the Prince and his Dad. She thought that he should be the one taking him to the NA meetings to maybe help them forge a better relationship. While I hope at some point in time that will come between them, it is more important to me that he find his place in the rooms and be comfortable there and know that he has a place there. He has the rest of his life to work out his issues with his dad.
Going to Florida tomorrow morning for a long weekend with my girlies. It will be nice to far away from all of the drama. We may also have a buyer for my house, so keep your fingers crossed for me! Peace to you and yours.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
I deserve it....
The Italian just called. He called from his work phone, not the cell phone so it just confirms that he is with the ex again. I also checked his cell phone bill online (can you say Stalker??) since he had asked me to set it up for him months ago, as he is computer illiterate.
He asked me to take all of his information off of my computer and said that I lied to him last month about an insurance bill that I said I paid for him online, that it was paid by money order instead. Whatever. She is lying to him. She always has. She stole from him, hid bills from him, etc. She also changed my number to her number on his cell phone, I guess she wants to know if he is still calling me. I would rather be alone than not be able to trust who I am with. They are sad and they deserve each other. They both lack self esteem, and can't be alone. I mean, how do you jump from one relationship to another in a matter of days? It was a quick phone call. I didn't say much and I am resisting the urge to call back. I am trembling a little bit.
Why am I letting this bother me so much? I honestly think it is all ego. I am having dinner with his ex-wife tonight, We are good friends. I miss his kids. I should probably just severe all ties with them. It will be hard not to ask questions about what is going on, she will probably offer it all up to me.
I deserve better than this piece of sh*t Italian A-hole. Why don't I believe it?
He asked me to take all of his information off of my computer and said that I lied to him last month about an insurance bill that I said I paid for him online, that it was paid by money order instead. Whatever. She is lying to him. She always has. She stole from him, hid bills from him, etc. She also changed my number to her number on his cell phone, I guess she wants to know if he is still calling me. I would rather be alone than not be able to trust who I am with. They are sad and they deserve each other. They both lack self esteem, and can't be alone. I mean, how do you jump from one relationship to another in a matter of days? It was a quick phone call. I didn't say much and I am resisting the urge to call back. I am trembling a little bit.
Why am I letting this bother me so much? I honestly think it is all ego. I am having dinner with his ex-wife tonight, We are good friends. I miss his kids. I should probably just severe all ties with them. It will be hard not to ask questions about what is going on, she will probably offer it all up to me.
I deserve better than this piece of sh*t Italian A-hole. Why don't I believe it?
....Later that same day.....
Ok, sometimes I feel so pathetic that I really cant stand myself. The phone conversation with the Italian has been bothering me all day. I have NOT called back and I guess that is why I am posting another blog. I am alot of things, but I am NOT a liar. This psycho ex who has apparently crawled right back into his women beating arms, is right back to her old lying tricks. The thing that broke them up in the first place. And he is so naiive that he believes her lies and is now calling me the liar, and I so badly want to defend my self and set the record straight and tell him that she is still f-ing with his stuff behind his back, and that he is just setting himself up once again, but you know what, whatever. Right? Why do I have to feel the need to fix hi after the damage he has done to me?
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