I am so overwhelmed at work right now that the last thing I should be doing is blogging. But I need to vent and blogging has become my venting outlet of choice lately.
I have heard of alcoholic and drug addicts in recovery who have "using" dreams. In fact I have read about it in detail in many of your blogs and the Prince had told me when he was first getting clean about having some. Well, I tend to have "mother of the user using dreams". Does that make sense? I often have dreams about the Prince relapsing and they are so real and vivid and frightening that I wake up drenched in sweat, heart racing and trembling all over. I dreamt last night that he was relapsing right in front of me on some kind of amazing new pills and it was crazy, I could see him, high as a kite, as clear as day, I can still see it now. And we were fighting and I was crying and he and his dad were fighting, physically, and it was just so REAL.
I hate to admit how superstitious I am, but I always think if I talk to much about how well the Prince is doing or if I write about him being clean, then sure enough, I will get the call about a dirty urine. I know he has been talking to a girl who I know smokes pot. I spoke to a woman who is the mom of someone the Prince used to get high with this morning. We were pretty tight last year when I was trying to get the Prince into rehab. At the time she was in denial about the extent of her sons drug use, she hid it from her husband, made excuses etc. I didn't preach to her or push her, but I was sad that she didn't try to do more to get him help, he is a good kid who has the disease. He is a mess right now and I heard that his DOC is Ange Dust and probably alot more that he is using. There were also rumors floating a few months ago that the Prince was using dust, but it never showed up in his urine. My gut tells me he was doing it. I hate that my gut tells me these things with such clarity. Wish it could me the lottery numbers!
These dreams disturb me for the rest of the day. I feel like it was a premonition of sorts and am waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is only going to one NA meeting a week and that is because he has to. I don't know if I should be making him got to more meetings. I know that I would like to go to a meeting with him tonight. I can suggest it and he will initially deflect me, I can force the issue, but then the whole scene will be unpleasant, and there has just been so much unpleasantness around me these days, I don't need any more.
The harassment is continuing from the Italians girlfriend. Our youngest children go to school together and they are friends. La Petit innocently asked her daughter to go to a movie with us last night, not knowing what the situation was. She freaked and started leaving psycho threatening voice mails on my husbands voicemail about what a tram I am and to keep my son away from her daughter and basically threatening my son. I received another threatening email from her this morning, this time involving my drug addict son and alcoholic husband. This is now full blown harassment. I have not and will not engage. She is sick and they deserve each other. I just wish she could move forward and get on with her life and leave me and my little dysfunctional family out of her life. It doesn't look like that is going to happen. I think I may go to the police precint today and formally press charges. I am just not sure where that will get me. I would have let it be, but she is now threatening my child and I truly do not trust her. Any advice?
So, OK, the lessons I have learned here are to not get myself involved with any one until my divorce is final. And maybe even after that. I am now beating myself up further about bringing this on myself. I made a decision, a selfish choice to meet my own needs, to be with a man who has brought on so much destruction and damage to my life. All the while throwing up at me the things that hurt me the most: My children, my sons addiction, the pain of my marriage failing due to my husbands alcoholism, and now they are further trying to hurt my little one. Its amazing how when someone wants to hurt you they know just how to do it.
Does anyone remember that Calgonn commercial from the 70s or 80s?? Where the overwhelmed Mom chants.... "Calgonn..... take me away......" Lately, I find my self calling that same motto to my HP.... "HP......Take me away................................."