Wednesday, May 09, 2007

You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness...

I am so overwhelmed at work right now that the last thing I should be doing is blogging. But I need to vent and blogging has become my venting outlet of choice lately.

I have heard of alcoholic and drug addicts in recovery who have "using" dreams. In fact I have read about it in detail in many of your blogs and the Prince had told me when he was first getting clean about having some. Well, I tend to have "mother of the user using dreams". Does that make sense? I often have dreams about the Prince relapsing and they are so real and vivid and frightening that I wake up drenched in sweat, heart racing and trembling all over. I dreamt last night that he was relapsing right in front of me on some kind of amazing new pills and it was crazy, I could see him, high as a kite, as clear as day, I can still see it now. And we were fighting and I was crying and he and his dad were fighting, physically, and it was just so REAL.

I hate to admit how superstitious I am, but I always think if I talk to much about how well the Prince is doing or if I write about him being clean, then sure enough, I will get the call about a dirty urine. I know he has been talking to a girl who I know smokes pot. I spoke to a woman who is the mom of someone the Prince used to get high with this morning. We were pretty tight last year when I was trying to get the Prince into rehab. At the time she was in denial about the extent of her sons drug use, she hid it from her husband, made excuses etc. I didn't preach to her or push her, but I was sad that she didn't try to do more to get him help, he is a good kid who has the disease. He is a mess right now and I heard that his DOC is Ange Dust and probably alot more that he is using. There were also rumors floating a few months ago that the Prince was using dust, but it never showed up in his urine. My gut tells me he was doing it. I hate that my gut tells me these things with such clarity. Wish it could me the lottery numbers!

These dreams disturb me for the rest of the day. I feel like it was a premonition of sorts and am waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is only going to one NA meeting a week and that is because he has to. I don't know if I should be making him got to more meetings. I know that I would like to go to a meeting with him tonight. I can suggest it and he will initially deflect me, I can force the issue, but then the whole scene will be unpleasant, and there has just been so much unpleasantness around me these days, I don't need any more.

The harassment is continuing from the Italians girlfriend. Our youngest children go to school together and they are friends. La Petit innocently asked her daughter to go to a movie with us last night, not knowing what the situation was. She freaked and started leaving psycho threatening voice mails on my husbands voicemail about what a tram I am and to keep my son away from her daughter and basically threatening my son. I received another threatening email from her this morning, this time involving my drug addict son and alcoholic husband. This is now full blown harassment. I have not and will not engage. She is sick and they deserve each other. I just wish she could move forward and get on with her life and leave me and my little dysfunctional family out of her life. It doesn't look like that is going to happen. I think I may go to the police precint today and formally press charges. I am just not sure where that will get me. I would have let it be, but she is now threatening my child and I truly do not trust her. Any advice?

So, OK, the lessons I have learned here are to not get myself involved with any one until my divorce is final. And maybe even after that. I am now beating myself up further about bringing this on myself. I made a decision, a selfish choice to meet my own needs, to be with a man who has brought on so much destruction and damage to my life. All the while throwing up at me the things that hurt me the most: My children, my sons addiction, the pain of my marriage failing due to my husbands alcoholism, and now they are further trying to hurt my little one. Its amazing how when someone wants to hurt you they know just how to do it.

Does anyone remember that Calgonn commercial from the 70s or 80s?? Where the overwhelmed Mom chants.... "Calgonn..... take me away......" Lately, I find my self calling that same motto to my HP.... "HP......Take me away................................."


Syd said...

Kel, you've laid a lot of stuff out today. First, I think that you need to go to meetings. If the Prince wants to go, then he will. You can't make him. Advice #1 would be to get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting today.

Block phone numbers and emails from the psychos that are in your life. If nothing else, get a different phone number and change your email address. Advice #2 would be to not engage in any further conversation or contact with the psychos. They are definitely messed up and dangerous.

Finally, Advice #3 would be to do something today that you enjoy and that gives you pleasure. Anything to help relieve some of the stress that is imparted in the words that you write.

pat said...

Oh Kel,
You can get a protection order for the stalkers. Save the messages as evidence. Now for your son, one NA meeting is not enough for a recovering addict especially a kid. There is too much peer pressure and temptation out there. However, you cannot force anyone, not your son nor your exhusband to go meetings. They need to want to do them for themselves. I finally got this fact myself after seven years of forcing my son into meetings. It never worked. I cannot tell you how many times, my son has been in and out of rehab, detox centers, outpatient therapy and even jail in his short life span. He even spent a year homeless, a time that nearly killed me, that was how strong the urge to use was for him. I spent so much time and energy trying to fix his disease that I did a job to my own health both physically and mentally. I cannot tell you how many sleepless nights I spent looking for him in the worse kind of neighborhoods and the nightmares when I did sleep were terrible. I had dreams that I was called because he overdosed and was in the hospital dying and I was trying to get to him and I got lost. I remember dreaming that I stood over his bed begging him to come back to me as he laid on a vent. I had the most disturbing nightmares and they were all of death. A year ago while I was in Florida, I got a telephone call that he was beaten by two men during a drug deal, he nearly died. I remember how I vomited uncontrollablly after the phone call and how difficult it was for me to get home for fear he would die. The result was he went right back out into the streets and when he was picked up by the police in September and thrown in jail for unlawful trespassing ( he slept in an abandoned house) I left him sit in jail for three months even though his bail was only 260 dollars. I came to the conclusion that the only way he had a chance to stay "clean" was for him to be away from the streets and behind bars. This was the most difficult decision I ever made. I wish I can tell you that he is "clean" and "sober" today but he is not. I know he gets high on "payday". He remained "clean" three months after jail and I took him back into my home. He has a job and so far has been able to keep it.He stopped attending meetings. However, this time after nearly having a nervous breakdown,getting divorced from his father, suffering depression and spending six days in the hospital with an ulcer, I made the decision to seek help for myself and went to Al Anon. A lot of days are hard and I try not to project beyond the day I am living in but it does not stop the pain, the worry or the love I feel for my son. Take care......You are in my thoughts.

Tab said...

Dreams.They can be a sign of our stress and fears.Your are very normal for a Mom.That or I am just as whacked as you!
We cannot make our boys go to meetings Kel.They aren't kids anymore.I know it hurts to let go .. but that is the only way we can truly let our children grow up my friend.Even when it is a dark time for them,if they are unhealthy and or unhappy.All we can do is let them know we believe in them,love them and let them go to find that in themselves.For themselves.
As for the Italian.I would cut all ties.Period.(You asked.)
I know it doesn't feel like it maybe Kel, but you are probably gaining more wisdom deep down than you know.
Thank you for sharing..
Love Tab xo

vicariousrising said...

I like all the advice you have been given here. The less you engage the crazies, the better off you are. Whenever they contact you, keep a record of it - either keep a written journal detailing when and what was said and/or any emails or exchanges. Do not respond in kind. Just keep this information to protect yourself as a record in the event you need it.

Unless there is a direct physical threat made to you, I'd avoid going to the police for the time being too. That might escalate things in a manner you do not want to deal with. However, if you know anyone in your homegroup that you trust that is a lawyer or counselor, they might have some advice for you.

Changing your phone numbers and email addies may sound like a hassle, but I'd go for it.

Hang in there. The less you interact with these people, the less energy you give them to throw back at you.


~MsManna~ said...

Wow. Take all the advice given. I have no idea what it is like with a child who has a drug problem. But Al-Anon will help. And it is true, we can't make kids go or do what we want. That is not gonna work. Al-Anon has helped me tremendously and I can't imagine living without going to these meetings weekly. I started with three a week.

I was recently troubled by someone who said things that were unkind to me and they bothered me. I was kinda upset that they bothered me so much too. And the bad thing, I didn't defend myself. Of course, you know the Italian. I had just met this friend of a friend. I feel bad and that I missed the chance to straighten him out so he will not treat me the same way the next time he sees me. Still trying not to hurt anyone's feelings! Even though mine were being stepped on. So I am still learning.

ME, myself, & I said...

At least you find comfort spewing forth into the internets. That is such a great blessing. I echo all of the great advice others have given and just want to let you know that I'm wishing you and yours good, positive things for the remainder of the week.

Nicki Mann said...

As a person with a recovering-alcoholic father, one alcoholic/drug addicted brother who "swears" he hasn't been using since he got out of jail, and one alcoholic/drug addicted brother who just got out of rehab, I feel your pain! (I'm not their mother, but I often feel like I am, since I've spent so much of my younger years trying to take care of those boys!) Good luck to all of you!

- Angel