Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Back in the saddle again...

Well I am back at work after my wonderful girlie weekend in Pompano Beach. An added bonus/surprise was the air and sea show was down in Ft. Lauderdale just a stones throw from our beach. It was amazing!! After seeing those amazing planes so close, and the talented pilots, especially the fighter jets, I can only say, it makes me feel REALLY GOOD that these guys are on our side. It was nice to get away, relax and do nothing but lay on the beach and relax and chat it up with my girls for a few days. It was exactly what the doctor ordered.

I am facing some demons today. I can not get the horrible words out of my mind that the Italian said to me. I know that it is only words and that they can only hurt me if it let it, and that he is the one who has this terrible anger to deal with, but still. I am disappointed in myself for even picking up the damn phone. I must not engage. Its over, let it go.

His girlfriend is actively harassing me, in a very passive-aggressive way. The private calls continue but I do not pick them up anymore. Even at work. I changed the voice mail message on my cell phone to a generic one so they can not tell for sure if I still "own" the number. She knows my email address and b'day and has managed to sign me up for some free trial online dating services. Ok, so i have to unsubscribe and delete the messages. Again, I must not engage. These are sick people, and it is almost flattering that they find me so compelling that they think of me often enough to waste their time on me, don't you think??

Ok, so when I got home from my trip, I noticed that the Prince had taken his TV and tv stand from his room in my house and brought it "home" with him to his grandmothers house. Last week he took his computer chair. I know we can not live together, at least not right now, and I know I am doing the right thing, but it hurts to see the last of his stuff slowly leaving my house. The room is looking like a hotel room right now. Very few personal possessions. Just a bed, a dresser, a desk without a chair or computer and the fishtank.

He went to NA with his dad over the weekend. I am proud of them both for going together. And again, I felt left out. As though he doesn't need me so much, that he really can get on without me. I know that is the goal, for our babies to grow up and fly away, but I feel that he is being enabled even more by living with them. She makes his life very easy. He doesn't have to do a damn thing there. She makes his lunch, makes his bed, cleans up after him. He can just lay around and play on his computer and bark demands at her and she grants his every wish. She is a lovely woman, she means well, but I do believe there has to be a happy medium in out parenting skills. I am the Gestapo and she is a mush.

I must start doing more work on ME. I am feeling so needy and worthless. I have gained some weight since I quit smoking and it makes me feel ugly, unattractive and unworthy. My depression is eating away at me, and I find it hard to stay awake unless I am at work. I even mapped two or three times a day while on my mini vacation. I know I must talk to the doc about this and maybe up my meds. I just can't seem to be able to make myself happy. I don't know how to.

Some Gratitude
  • Lots of love from La Petit Prince when I came in the door Sunday night.
  • A visit with my Dad last night at the rehab unit, he is walking a little better and was anxious to show me.
  • Emails from the Tabster sharing and letting me that I am really not alone
  • A tornado has not ripped throw my town and reaped pain and devastation on those I love
  • The Prince and the appearance of sobriety, even if it is just for today
  • My mom made an appointment to have her lungs repaired even though she continues to drink too much and not take her diet seriously


ME, myself, & I said...

once those words get into your head, it's hard to just push them out, I understand how that is. What helps be is to counter them with the facts about you that negate those horrible hateful words. Write them down someplace where you can see the truth about you everytime one of those insults comes to you mind.

Tab said...

Kel..how can anyone so beautiful to others think so little of herself right now? I don't know why we humans tend to be our own worse critics but we are.It is a well known fact, which is why god created friends :)
And this friend,though not yet formally introduced with a handshake..is telling you ..you are beautiful inside and out.
YOU help me know I am not alone also.
Be good to yourself..everyday.
I will do the same for me.
That way we have grace and beauty,
humility and wisdom to share between the two of us and the two thousand miles between us that carry other cool blogger buddies who are just trying to figure things out like we are.
Give up the drama with the Italian etc...you just don't need that on your plate do you ?
One day you will have to tell me when your birthday is girl ~
Thank you for sharing~
Love Tabster xo

vicariousrising said...

Focusing on yourself is an excellent idea. You cannot be any good to anyone else if you are sinking. I know it is terribly difficult to let your son go, especially when you feel other people are enabling him. You feel like the bad guy. But somewhere underneath it all, he knows you love him unconditionally and that you have what is best for him at heart. Somehow the kids really do know when you stay on the straight path. So, try your best to be the best mom you can like you have been.

I have psychotherapy twice a week and a lot of it is to help me keep my head on straight to be a better parent. It really is a hard, hard job, not one to be trifled with or dismissed. Get all the outside assistance you need and definitely take care of you.

Thinking of you...

Syd said...

Kel, I can read that you are hurting and feeling very low. I hate that you are beating yourself up. You are right--you have to take care of yourself. Maybe you need to go to more meetings, talk with your sponsor, exercise and keep busy. Those are things that help me get out of bad places.
You know my opinion on the Italian and the ex. If you can stick with healthy people who are doing well in their recovery(long time Al-Anoners), you'll have a support group of people who care. The Italian is toxic.

pat said...

Hi Kel,
I am new to your blog so I do not really know all the details but what I do sense is your daily battle in fighting the darkness of depression. I understand how that feels because I have been there, done that. The best thing to do is ignore those crazy stalker people. For some reason or other they want to drag you down probably because they are rock bottom people themselves. Just know you are not alone out there. Take care.