Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Step one, he says we need to talk...

So, I am writing this from home, on the laptop, which I am terrible at typing on. So please forgive any major typos or errors.

If the over use or abuse of the F word offend you... please stop reading now, cause I am in a vicious vile mood...
Ok, so now that the warnings are out of the way, let me just say this. MOTHERFUCKER. I feel as though the last 2 years of my life and my time and my money been pissed away in vain. I have not spoken to the Prince since Sunday. He is actively drinking and I am quit sure he is using again as well. My guess is weed, and I am almost certain he is using coke again.
I mean, WHAT THE FUCK. Seriously. Is this kid on a suicide mission or what??? He has been out of rehab for 11 days. He has come home stumbling drunk at a minimum of 2 of those days. (yes, Tab, my soul sister we are living parallel lives) The amount of money he has gone through leads me to believe he is using again. My in laws called us over for a " family meeting" tonight, due to his behavior to set boundaries or make decisions. I refused to go. If this fucking kid wants to kill himself, then do not let me stand in his f-ing way. Seriously. i am so trying to let go and work a program, but how exactly am I supposed to do that when every time I am supposed to go to a meeting, he fucks up and I am either expected to come clean it up or I need to be home to take care of La Petit. To top it off, the AH goes to his parents, spends 3 hours there, during which time I find a bottle of vodka and a bunch of empties hidden under his bed and when he gets home he has little or nothing to say about what was discussed, only that my kid is a fuck up, and he cant wait till he ends up in jail so he doesn't have to deal.
So, really, someone, please enlighten me. What the Fuck do I do now??? I can't save this kid, I get this now. But I cant take a fucking bat to his skull either. I am just so fucking done, someone, please stick a fork in me. I am just so disappointed. I am just so sad. i just want it to stop. Really, I get it, I am a bad mom. I have been tried and convicted.


vicariousrising said...


I love you, girl. I hope you are able to get to some meetings and get some support. Do not put yourself on trial and convict yourself as a parent or a human being. You deserve to treat yourself better than that.

Hang in there. I know you're tired of hearing that. I'm thinking of you. Please take care of yourself.


pat said...

You are at a crossroad. All of us who love or have loved an alcoholic/addict have been at this road not once not twice but several times. Call someone from the group if you find yourself out of a meeting. You need to talk to another person. And this is going to be the hardest part, do nothing. I mean it. Do nothing. Let these people go. Email me at pzysk14@verizon.net, I am giving you my phone number so you can call me. Til then, I am going to post in a little while after I get my thoughts together so I can at least give you a little direction. Hold on.

Tab said...

You know Kel..If I was in the same room as you I would so kick your ass for putting yourself down woman! Now reread your post and think about it.How do YOU think it is possible for any of us MOM's can stop our almost adult kids from doing those distructive things? That is called enabling if we try! and that is how we teach them they can manipulate us.

My kid is living in a safe house again because he doesn't make good choices right now.Is that my fault?
I don't think so but believe me,
I have had to work very hard at accepting that.I have my days too.
But ultimately my boy is 18 now.
He is pretty much a man/adult now.

As a blogger buddy who has come to admire you Kel I am telling you ..YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM..!
I do hear your fear and resentments.That is all part of letting go ..it doesn't happen overnight..and it hurts like fucking hell sometimes..I so get that Kel.

You keep sharing and doing what feels right for you.Trust your kiddo will do so in his own time in his own way and if he doesn't..know you always believe..he can!

Big hugs to you..I am now running late for work ..doh!

Anonymous said...

Go to meetings.
Work your program. After all, he doesn't even have one.
Be good to yourself, kel.
You are a good Mother and a good woman.

Syd said...

Kel, Listen to what Pat and Tab are saying. Do nothing. It isn't your problem and no matter what you do,you won't be able to stop what your son does. Just take care of yourself. Call your sponsor, get with your Al-Anon group and just let him go. If you continue to pick up the pieces for him,he will just continue to use. Give him up.

Sober Chick said...

Everyone has posted great suggestions. I have no experience in this . . . however I do know accepting that you are powerless and can only be responsible for your serenity is a must. It is much easier said from an outsiders view. How can you just sit back and watch someone kill themselves? You cannot help him, he must help himself first when he is ready. It may be one month from now, or 10 years from now. You do not have to suffer while he is suffering.

Get close to those that have lived through similar situations. Keep sharing too and don't forget to love yourself.

ME, myself, & I said...

All I can tell you is the same thing I tell my own mother who struggles with the fact that her children have different types of issues. You are not a bad mom and it is not your fault. He has made his choices and all you can do now is pray for him and love him.