Thursday, June 21, 2007

Hold on, it's better than you think...

I have to really say thank you to all of my blogger buddies for being there and really listening and really caring about me. I can not express how much it and all of you have come to mean to me. Its truly a beautiful thing, this online bond we have all developed, and I have truly grown to love you all. It means even more, because each of you can relate to my situation from one point of view or another, some of you are in recovery, some are parents of addicts like myself, and some have other family experiences that connect us. The rest of the world, it has been my experience, just don't get it. Seriously, while I appreciate some of the advice my "normie" friends have offered me, trust me when I tell you, sitting down to dinner as a family every night is not going to get my son to stay clean.

To give you a brief update, the Prince and I have still not spoken since Fathers day. His grandparents and father spoke to him at length on Tuesday evening, and basically, from what I can drag out of these, strange, secretive, communication-challenged people, is that they laid down the guidelines. No more drinking and/or drugging. Period. Not if he wants to continue to live under their roof. It was also explained to him that he is still a very, very long way from being welcomed back into living in my home. I do not believe he is working a program although he tells his grandmother he is going to meetings. I am letting it go. I have basically let him go. This is how it has to be. I am not going to say it doesn't hurt like hell. But I know this has to be done. For my own sanity. I am not ready to speak to him yet, because I am not sure I can do so without reacting. When I am ready, I will call him and hopefully we can learn to have a relationship that will be loving without me trying to make decisions for him, or me being angry when he doesn't do what I want him to do.

I need to be a little honest here, I am secretly thinking deep in my soul, that if I don not see or speak to him, that he will feel guilty and make the right decisions. I know this is ridiculous, and it shows I still have ALOT of work to do on myself. In fact, in reality I am sure the opposite is true. When he was using, and he was in really bad shape, and I was taking him to court and things were just so awful and he was just so sick, we were having a huge fight, police were called, CPS got involved shortly thereafter because it got physical between the Prince and his father, and he was crying. He was begging me to just give up, to just let him do his thing, and I could not imagine a day would ever come that I would be capable of doing such a thing. Well, let me clarify that, I am NOT giving up on him, I will NEVER give up on him, but I need to distance myself from him for now. So maybe he is glad that I am finally giving him some space, giving him enough of the proverbial rope. I just pray he doesn't hang himself with it.

But if he does, I hope I can remember that it was his decision. Not mine, I am finally going to let him own this.


Tab said...

Each of us have our own unique life expriences that can at times,include issues of drug and alcohol abuse be it our own or those of a loved one or loved ones in my case.I admire so many bloggers who inspire the univeral desires and hope for a safer and healthier world.And we can all have some fun out here too!

I need to tell you that my son is not or has never been a full blown addict Kel.He has misused/abused in many ways and has crossed our boundaries many times.But he hasn't physically become addicted to anything that I know of.
He has tried alot of drugs that included crack cocaine for awhile but he seems to bounce back rather quickly when we keep him in check with our boundaries.Now he is just lazy more than anything.BUT..I will consider it a healing time for him as he looks for work and his own place..slowly but surely...cause that is what he "owns".Letting go can hurt but it also eventually heal too.
I like how you ended your post..
It is very true.
Love Tab xo

pat said...

Sadly, the average age kids become addicts is between the years of 11 and 21. The average age this addiction ends is between 21 and 35. These are just averages so there are alot of exceptions. Your son is at a very tough age because in the eyes of the law he is considered legal which simply means you cannot force him into treatment nor can you obtain any information about him if where in treatment on his own. I know this all too well. As far as the sitting down to dinner as a family every night, well, that does not work. Neither does lecturing, preaching, yelling or fighting with him. Some kids have to learn the hard way which really sucks because along the way to learning they can end up in jail or worse. The bottom line here is no matter what you do, it is still up to him. The best thing you can do for him now is to stay healthy yourself (mentally & physically). I was told once that the child who stood in front of me may have looked like my child but was not my child. Drugs have a way of making the most loving, caring, sensitive kid into someone we do not know because when they are "active in their alcohol/drug" addiction they become someone who would say and do anything to obtain that drug. That is what defines addiction. So, as your Prince stands in front of you, keep in mind that this person may look like your son but inside he is not. It is the addiction speaking. Another wise woman in the program told me "if his lips are moving, he is lying". Your Prince may have a long road ahead of him but I believe he will eventually find his way back. It is called Hope. So do not live in denial and most of all do not enable him. I had to learn this the hard way.

Syd said...

Kel, you are doing the right thing. I'm glad for you. It will bring you peace to take care of yourself and keep the focus on you and not your child.

Sober Chick said...

In the big book it state that no human power can relieve us of this Dz. I use to be baffled at why my father could not stop drinking. Was my love not enough? This Dz is so ugly.

Good for you to be honest with yourself. That is big that you can write about it. Being honest will help you grow and get through this painful time.

Tab said...

Now that I have time to reflect on it Kel..I don't know if my kiddos laziness is a good thingn or not.
I think he still likes to drink and pot so I don't think that truly qualifies towards any healing.I hope that made sense.
I wanted to share my last comment as a way for you to see not all of our kids turn to addicts.Abuse is abuse though..but sometimes..Like I did as a do not lose out for too long before they bounce back.Now having said that I am incredibly tired from anxiety about my kiddo as I don't know how happy he is with himself these days.I can only hope he does't go too far ..for too long.
{{letting go here ..ouch!}}
I am on my way out the door.
Peace and hugs.
Tab xo

ME, myself, & I said...

Good for you.

working mom NYC said...

Hi, Kel--
I haven't had time to read your blog for the whole month of June, so I just spent a long while reading everything you've written since my last visit.
You are so amazing, Kel--I am in awe of you, really, and how much you share your life struggle with us who care so much about you, Le Petit Prince and the Prince because of your honest revelations.

It's heartbreaking to see our kids making self-destructive decisions, but I do think it's time to replenish yourself, find the things that make you happy, and do them. Put the joy back into your daily life. I was at a meeting the other day and several men shared that at the time of their divorces, they felt a tremendous sense of failure. I said that to me, the final decree of divorce will feel like a major successful achievement. I think that you've been depressed so long with the Prince's addiction that you've lost touch with yourself - there's only so much you can do for him, and there's so much more exhiliration out there in the world to scoop up in your arms and embrace.

I keep hearing that 80% of the kids at my son's rehab relapse, which is a frightening thought, but given the fact that they're mostly 17 years old and younger, it's hard to imagine that they are going to stay clean for the rest of their lives. I can only hope that if my son uses again, that he won't stay in the depths of addiction but will climb back out with the help of NA or AA. I feel that the people with whom he chooses to surround himself after he graduates his program will make all the difference in his sobriety. That will be something over which I definitely will not have control.

Kel - At least we know that we're not alone. Showing the Prince and Le Petit Prince that you can be happy joyous and free without drugs and alcohol may be the biggest gift you can give them, by example.

Alene said...


It's been a busy month for me and I haven't had a chance to read your blog. But your thoughts in this posting hit home to me. I've been where you are and gotta tell you, you're on the right track. When you work a program, you will become stronger in your ability to step back and detach lovingly from the situation and from your son.

I've been going through this with my son since he was 17 and I put him into his first treatment program. He's now 31, father of a one-year-old, and when he relapsed earlier this year after some healthy and growing years, it was devastating. I managed to do well at not enabling him when I still lived on the west coast and we currently live 2,000 miles apart. It's easier yet at this distance, but that doesn't mean the pain of knowing he is slowly killing himself and damaging his brain is any less, or that I love him and his family any less.

I've found that up close or long distance, prayer is the key and entrusting him to our Higher Power is the only way I've maintained some sanity. Although that's questionable! lol:)