Erase myselff, and let go of what I've done...

La Petit "graduated" from the sixth grade yesterday. There was a moving up ceremony and a dance last night to celebrate this milestone. He has been expressing his unhappiness with my decision to sell the house and move to a different neighborhood lately. We moved to this neighborhood when the Prince was the exact same age. We previously lived in a neighborhood that was far more privileged than where we live now. Most of the children were home with nannies while the Dads were out performing surgery and the Moms were getting nose jobs and tennis lessons. It was also a very competitive district and I did not think the Prince would find success there. I thought we would be better off in a neighborhood with people who were more socio-economically in line with us.

We are working people, we do well, we do not want for much, but we aren't wiping our arses with hundred dollar bills either. I have a tendency to need change and lots of it, as though I am chasing something that seems to keep slipping through my fingers, so I then need to move on and look for it somewhere else. This move will be different (if I ever sell my house that is). It will mark the end of my marriage and the beginning of a new life for La Petit and I. It is not possible for me to stay in the house we own now on my own. So staying in the house is not an option for me. I also have a long, traffic filled commute to get to my job so logistically it will greatly improve the quality of my life to move to the northern side of this island we call home.

La Petit is very sad about this. I feel guilt and trepidation about moving him. My town is large and accessibility to drugs and alcohol for the local teens is as simple as walking into the bathroom in the middle school. I know that drugs are a problem everywhere. But I KNOW first hand what goes on in this town, how the teachers covered up fro my Prince, how the police just tell the kids to dump their pot and grind it into the dirt when the kids are caught with it, how our local park, which is heavily wooded is a paradise for the local kids to hang out and get drunk, high and laid till all hours of the night. We have a unique last name and I do not want the Princes reputation to precede his younger brother. My son was notorious in this town. The big stoner, the druggie, if you need something, just call the Prince, he can tell you where to get it, etc. etc.

So although I feel as though I am once again running from my life, I feel the need to change the environment, to get away from the painful memories that haunt me at every corner of this town. I want to be invisible again, anonymous. I want La Petit to start fresh and to embrace a new life for us. But what if it hurts him? What if it makes him resentful and angry? What is he suppresses that anger and it grows into a rage and he can not identify that rage and then he turns to drugs and alcohol to silence that rage and pain and to numb it all out and shut off his feelings? What if one day in the near future I have to let this one go too? What will I have left?