Friday, June 22, 2007

Erase myselff, and let go of what I've done...

La Petit "graduated" from the sixth grade yesterday. There was a moving up ceremony and a dance last night to celebrate this milestone. He has been expressing his unhappiness with my decision to sell the house and move to a different neighborhood lately. We moved to this neighborhood when the Prince was the exact same age. We previously lived in a neighborhood that was far more privileged than where we live now. Most of the children were home with nannies while the Dads were out performing surgery and the Moms were getting nose jobs and tennis lessons. It was also a very competitive district and I did not think the Prince would find success there. I thought we would be better off in a neighborhood with people who were more socio-economically in line with us.

We are working people, we do well, we do not want for much, but we aren't wiping our arses with hundred dollar bills either. I have a tendency to need change and lots of it, as though I am chasing something that seems to keep slipping through my fingers, so I then need to move on and look for it somewhere else. This move will be different (if I ever sell my house that is). It will mark the end of my marriage and the beginning of a new life for La Petit and I. It is not possible for me to stay in the house we own now on my own. So staying in the house is not an option for me. I also have a long, traffic filled commute to get to my job so logistically it will greatly improve the quality of my life to move to the northern side of this island we call home.

La Petit is very sad about this. I feel guilt and trepidation about moving him. My town is large and accessibility to drugs and alcohol for the local teens is as simple as walking into the bathroom in the middle school. I know that drugs are a problem everywhere. But I KNOW first hand what goes on in this town, how the teachers covered up fro my Prince, how the police just tell the kids to dump their pot and grind it into the dirt when the kids are caught with it, how our local park, which is heavily wooded is a paradise for the local kids to hang out and get drunk, high and laid till all hours of the night. We have a unique last name and I do not want the Princes reputation to precede his younger brother. My son was notorious in this town. The big stoner, the druggie, if you need something, just call the Prince, he can tell you where to get it, etc. etc.

So although I feel as though I am once again running from my life, I feel the need to change the environment, to get away from the painful memories that haunt me at every corner of this town. I want to be invisible again, anonymous. I want La Petit to start fresh and to embrace a new life for us. But what if it hurts him? What if it makes him resentful and angry? What is he suppresses that anger and it grows into a rage and he can not identify that rage and then he turns to drugs and alcohol to silence that rage and pain and to numb it all out and shut off his feelings? What if one day in the near future I have to let this one go too? What will I have left?

15 comments:

TodayTodayToday said...

Wow. Reading your quote is hitting home so hard. http://buzzbombfrompasedina.blogspot.com/ is my blog if you wanna see why. I think you've been through the ringer alot more than me though. Ive been going to Al-Anon a bit and Im also in AA and I go to NA with my fresh out of treatment wife and am thinking about getting active in it too. Anyway your honesty is comforting.

working mom NYC said...

Hey, Kel--
I just wrote a long response to your previous entry, so I won't write much now. Thanks for your comments today - WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS and we're going to be a lot happier on the other side of the struggle. I gather we both live on the south shore...Have a great weekend, the weather is s'posed to be lovely.
Lisa

pat said...

Kel,
You got a lot of stuff going on right now. One baby step in front of the other. Do not make too many decisions too fast. The last thing you need are any more regrets. Pray for direction and remember the answers come from the least expected place. Just open your mind up to hear the answers when they come.

Tab said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tab said...

LOL..just deleted very long comment.
I am sure if your little one feels like he can share his feelings and you just listen than that will be half the battle won for him.As for the rest,maybe he would like to chose to color of paint for his new room ? Change can be a super cool and healthy event but I see how it can scare the little one too.I just know you will do your best as you always do as a MOm and most excellent human!
oh yeah..and I hear we parents need to let go of our kids eventually...pant leg and all! lol
Thanks for being you Kel.
Love Tab xo

ME, myself, & I said...

What if this is the best thing that ever happens to you and he? What ifs are the devil's tools don't listen to them.

Syd said...

Kel, my sponsor told me that the geographic cure works for a while but eventually the same problems come back. Just keep working your program no matter where you are. You also can't live with expectations of the future--just live one day at a time. I have to keep telling myself to let the expectations go every day.

vicariousrising said...

As far as La Petit goes, we moved last year between 5th & 6th grade for my son. He was quite upset about it at the time, but now loves it here. The only thing he would change is that there is one friend from the old home he would like to move here.

I just thought I would put in that part of my experience in. Kids are resilient at that age provided that as much of the rest of their home life is relatively stable. Like Syd said, work your program, and you can help La Petit with a better home life, then the move will not be so bad. He won't resent the geographical change nearly as much as you fear, imho.

Hugs to you.

Tab said...

Hey you beautiful human you..
Happy Birthday xoxo !

Pam said...

Well that's a lot of what if's.
My grown children have often told me, that they were the happiest when I WAS HAPPY. So I think (for what it's worth) that if you keep working a strong program, and keep your life centered in it....that joy will flow down to little prince.

sober jen said...

Hi. I just found your blog, and I will read it everyday. You can do this. And we'll help.

just another addict said...

Don't forget that the rest of that fab song says :

"For what I’ve done
I’ll start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done"

No matter what one does as a parent, even all the great stuff, there's a chance one's kid will end up on some shrink's couch lamenting about how tough he/she had it coming up.
You are doing your best, kel. He will love you for that kind of effort in the end.

Peacd and Love,
Scout

Sober Chick said...

I have seen really good loving parents have teens that turn on them later. You can only do what you can do. Getting so involved with the "what ifs" will destroy you. Powerlessness followed by accepting this can offer some hope and glimmer of the future that is unknown.

Us children, when we get well, we realize how important our parents are. We must grow up however, and some of us choose very rough paths. Ammends are to be made, for now all you can do is what you can do.

Sober Chick said...

BTW Happy Birthday! Yay to the day you were created.

Tab said...

Hey Kel..Hope you are doing okay.
xo