Friday, June 15, 2007

So I held my head up high, hiding hate that burns inside...

The theme of my blog to date has mostly been about my journey of being the mother of a drug addicted/alcoholic son. This has also been the main focus of my life for the last few years. I am finally embracing the twelve steps of al-anon in order to improve the quality of my own life. I do not expect it to be easy, as I have made alot of my own mistakes and continue the cycle of repeating them over and over again. I have also come to learn that I am classically codependent. I am guessing that this will come as no surprise to any of you.

Although the Prince has been all consuming in my life, I have other alcoholics in my life whose disease I have been able to detach from completely and not allow to affect my well being, at least not as deeply as the Prince has. My husband, AH, is an active raging alcoholic. We still live in the same home, but have had separate bedrooms for many many years now. We are currently in the process of selling our home and once it is sold, we will dissolve our marriage and go our separate ways. This is something I should have done many, many years ago, but I have lacked the courage to do so for a million different reasons.

The love and respect has gone out of our marriage a very long time ago. He has never been there for me and he is certainly not there for his children. He proves this just a little more each day. Yet I still find it sad to end it. I live in fear of ending up alone although realistically, I could not be more alone in my life now if I tried. I guess now that the Prince is at least attempting or pretending to attempt to deal with his recovery and I am letting it go a little more with each day, it is forcing me to face my own demons.

I assume it is classic codependent behavior to stay in a relationship that stopped working years ago. I guess it is classic alcoholic behavior that would allow AH to stay with me, knowing it doesn't work, and knowing how I feel. He just locks himself in his room downstairs and drinks and watches TV and shut himself off from La Petit and I at around 8 pm every night and it is just so sad to me. He expects his son to abstain yet he refuses to do so himself.

So my goal for the summer is to begin to learn to love myself and believe that I am worthy of love from another human being and I can still have a fulfilling life and future even though I am now just about pushing forty. This scares me more than I care to admit.

Begging.... serenity.... now, please.

3 comments:

Tab said...

You know I got a little choked up reading that you need to learn to love yourself Kel.I guess we all go through that in recovery but when you read it from someone you have already come to love (in an odd cyber buddy kind of way)and admire..well..it sort of made me sad for sec.Then I remembered that I felt that way once.We seem to be the last to validate ourselves huh?
And I couldn't help but selfishly celebrate your plans for the Summer and new path that may include coffe with yours truly :)
I love your journey you share here Kel..you inspire me!Keep staying true to your beautiful self and what the world open up in your life..! Imagine and Believe..just like Disneyland..lol..big hugs.
Thanks for sharing.

Syd said...

Kel, I am glad that you are facing these things.It is hard to deal with so much but if you work the steps of Al-Anon, work with your sponsor and practice your program, you will get the serenity that you deserve. Just give yourself to the program...

pat said...

Kel,
You have made the first step. Slow and steady. You will see that light at the end of the tunnel.